Well, here we are in Denver, in my parents' house (not occupied by them at the moment), just the four of us, surrounded by boxes, and hooked up to high-speed internet.
I hate moving. While most of the boxes are stacked in the garage--awaiting the next and final move when we buy a house, there are boxes and piles throughout the house. I do not function well in chaos--no matter how seemingly organized that chaos is. And since the past two months have been pretty chaotic, I finally had a huge breakdown/meltdown/freakout today.
Since we decided a move was necessary I've tried to be positive and keep it all together. Not too many tears, treating others nicely, and so on. Until late this afternoon, when I found myself curled up on the floor between my bed and the wall, hiding and crying my heart out. Once the sobbing finally died down, I started to unpack my clothes, hiccuping and stopping to blow my nose when I couldn't sniff anymore.
Yuck. I've had that crying headache ever since and it won't go away.
I realize that I'm worried about more than I thought--buying a house, Toben's job, making friends, missing California, finding the trash cans (I know I own a bunch--why can't I find them?), getting the girls unpacked before school starts on Thursday, the kids adjusting to a new school, and all the regular mommy worries of having my kids grow up to be normal, healthy, functioning adults who will still like me when they're grown.
I'm feeling a little overwhelmed.
On the plus side, I cooked a real meal for dinner tonight for the first time in forever. Nothing fancy--spaghetti--but it was hot and didn't come in a paper bag. We set the table with real (not paper!) plates and even read a chapter of an American Girl book while Toben cleaned up the kitchen. And there's a frozen custard place just down the street. And we drove around a neighborhood near this one and picked up a flier for a beautiful house (I'll call tomorrow) that's in our price range.
I know that all of this won't seem nearly as important or dramatic or depressing in a month or two, but here I am in the midst of it. I wish I was better at letting things go, at not sweating the small stuff, of just kicking back and enjoying the present moment. I've wished these things for a while now, and wonder when I'll finally get it right. Somehow I suspect that it's not a matter of one day waking up and having it all figured out, but more of a gradual thing--easing up in one area, just as something new pops up to dealt with.
Wouldn't it be nice to have it all together? But if that were the case, I'd either be dead, or perfect--and then I'd be lonely, because who wants a perfect friend? :)
Hope the pretty house turns out to be a keeper.
You're in a tough situation. Even though you have your baby chicks with you, mother hens always like to have the home nested.
Posted by: capello | August 16, 2006 at 12:03 PM
I'll take you just as you are, my dear friend!
Posted by: Heidi | August 18, 2006 at 02:29 PM