I've been thinking a lot about poor Eustace after blogging about that quote from The Voyage of the Dawn Treader the other day. About the layers of his dragon-y skin being removed one at a time until he lets Aslan peel it all off right down to the core.
And with that, I've been thinking about the whole pit thing (a la Psalm 40 and Beth Moore). There are definitely some pits in my past. Some pretty cavernous, others more like pot holes.
But as I was doing my Bible study (Jesus the One and Only) homework yesterday morning, I came across this:
"Satan would rather return to a previous job on an individual than find a new one. Satan is a lot of things, but creative is not one of them. He ordinarly sticks to what has worked in the past...when he has attempted to return to an area in my life where he held a previous stronghold--even though he's already been forced to leave. Have you experienced something similar? Briefly explain."
--and had a little epiphany.
My answer to her questions was this: Yes! For me it's having a "thing"--an issue that crops up again and again. Those issues? Control, guarding my heart instead of letting God guard it, self-sufficiency.
I answered the question and wrote in the margin about the things I struggle with, and I realized that they all stem from pride. Yuck. I've just been wandering around the edge for what seems like my whole adult life and falling in at different points around this huge, giant pit of pride.
Here's the story...
Control really cropped up for me once I had children. I've always been a well-ordered person and have liked to have my ducks in a row. Something I really don't think is bad. BUT...when my ducks revolt and run here, there, and everywhere, I couldn't handle it.
Anger--red-hot, uncontrollable, swallowing you in a huge gulp anger--was the result. I yelled at my kids, said horrible things, threw things around the house, lashed out at everyone and everything. It came on suddenly, taking me over, and made me feel even more out of control. I hated it, but couldn't stop. It was so unexpected, so frightening.
In the midst of all of this, my friend Hanna called me one day. "Joanne," she said, "control is an idol. You can worship control, or you can worship God." And then she hung up. (Do you have a friend like that, who speaks truth into your life unflinchingly? I hope so...because a friend like that is a wonderful gift.) It was the beginning of learning to give control to God each day. To see it clearly as something to hand over to him, to open my hands and not grab at control until my knuckles turned white with the effort.
It was a long process, years really. I still have to be on guard against control, but when it crops up now (like when the kids get sick in the middle of the night and my first reaction is anger because I'm so scared) I stop and think, "Oh, I know what this is and where it's coming from." I can say aloud, "Okay, God, I'm choosing to trust you in this, to let you be in control."
***
Guarding my heart was the next pit I fell into--well, jumped into willingly would be more accurate. When Toben was diagnosed as being bipolar, life fell apart. In his pain and illness, he broke my heart--repeatedly. So I took it back from him. Literally. I told him one day, "I'll stick with you through this, but I'm taking my heart back. I don't trust you with it anymore."
And I told God the same thing. "You're not protecting my heart in this and it hurts too much. Your Word says that you'll guard my heart, but it doesn't feel like it, so I'm taking that job back."
Bitterness was the result. Choking, strangling bitterness. Have you ever heard that bitterness is like a weed? It's true. I could feel like strangling my heart, choking me. It may sound like I'm being overly dramatic, but that's exactly what it was. I could almost see it sending down roots and twisting around my heart.
I sat at a traffic light one morning--at the intersection of La Costa and El Camino Real--scarcely able to breathe. There are been times in my life when I've clearly heard the voice of God invade my thoughts. This one of those. "Guarding your heart is MY job, Joanne," he said. "Will you let me do it?" Tears rolled down my face and I let go and gave my heart back to those around me. It hurt like crazy, but slowly the grip of bitterness eased.
My heart still hurt, but it was a healthy kind of hurt--the hurt that comes from being real and alive, rather than the choking hurt bitterness afforded. And now when my heart gets hurt, I remember that it means I'm alive, and I'm free.
***
I'm slowly coming to see the pit for what it is--pride. Control was pride--thinking I could control things beyond myself. Guarding my heart was pride--thinking I could do God's job better than he could. And the latest pit I've been in is clearly pride as well.
Self-sufficiency is how pride has been manifesting itself lately. Thinking I don't need anyone and can do it all myself. Can't remember if I shared this definition of humility with you. It's from the book TruFaced and goes like this: Humility is trusting God and others with who I really am.
Trusting God is easier for me than trusting others. God knows who I really am and there's no hiding from him. But trusting others is harder--especially those closest to me. Especially Toben, I think.
In the midst of his crisis, I learned to be self-sufficient out of necessity. Toben was so ill that he couldn't meet my needs. He needed all of his energy to turn to God, to heal and become whole again. Self-sufficiency became a habit--one I become proud of, thinking I could get through anything--just me and God. But God created us for relationship--with himself and with others. And God created Toben and me for each other.
I am slowly giving up self-sufficiency. But no, that's not it. I can't just think, I got myself into this and I'll get myself out of it. Because that's just more prideful self-sufficiency. Instead, I have to get down on my knees each morning, face to the carpet, and ask God to pull me out. To peel off the layers of my pride and expose my need for him and for others. To give me a humble heart--"smooth and soft as a peeled switch and smaller than I had been." Because I want him to lead me to "the rock that is higher I" (Psalm 61:2), to the place of peace and refuge that Eustace called "perfectly delicious."
From Psalm 40:
I waited patiently for the LORD:
he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD...
I desire to do your will, O my God;
your law is within my heart...
may your love and your truth always protect me...
Be pleased, O LORD, to save me;
O LORD, come quickly to help me...
I am poor and needy;
may the Lord think of me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
O my God, do not delay.
Dear, Sweet Joanne.
As I began reading this post, I had to go back up to the blog banner and convince myself that I wasn't on my own blog or worse...in my journal. I truly felt as if I was reading about myself. I have had, still struggle with that same anger, same inability to control the flash-in-the-pan lashing out. And I, too, have discovered that it (the anger), wanting to control and pride are all wrapped together in a nice, little, Satan-endorsed, package. This thing that has been going on with My Girl over the past few months has been all about pride, control. Hers, mine, The Man's. And God has so called me on it. And this morning, which I'll be blogging about today sometime, he led me to the greener pasture. The place on the other side of the last few months. Not that I believe the struggle has ended and we're all cured and well, but that the worst of it is over and the trusting and belief has to be set in stone. No waffling, no doubting. Which I've already found myself doing and have instantly been convicted to, "knock it off."
I wept as I read your post this morning. Wept for what you have been through, Toben, the girls, and wept for your openness and honesty and trust to put it out there.
Love, Susan
Posted by: Susan | October 26, 2007 at 09:01 AM
And you have a very precious heart to give, Joanne. Keep turning that soil up to Him. For I see a harvest!
Love you Friend...thanks for sharing your heart. I understand...yes, I do. Now I need to take this and see what uncreative thing is plaguing me. Hmmm...there are lots of things. So I hold this lesson on my lap and say, "Yes, God! Do change me and mold me and fashion me, so that I bring you glory. Let's look at this stuff, this sin, together and deal with it."
Posted by: Holly Smith | October 26, 2007 at 09:28 AM
WOW!! I had to, like Susan, look around and make sure that you didn't have a camera in my office (or a bug in my brain). The part about guarding your heart is something that is very close to me. It was like you were describing me when you were talking about the bitterness strangling your heart like a weed. There is an older man that works beside me that....well...let's just say he has a really big ego and tends to put on a show. Every. Single. Day. To make a long story short, he tried to take one of my employees and get him to work for him for money under the table. Which he knows was wrong because we sign a contract that says we are not allowed to work for a similar company at the same time we are working here. So he KNEW it was wrong and we've not spoken since, this happened about a month ago. I tend to tell myself that I don't need this, and I shut myself off (this has happened before, us not speaking) from any contact with him at all. I don't speak to him (unless spoken to, I'm not rude lol) and I just plain don't bother him and he gets the hint. But I also feel like it's something that is on my mind everyday that I have to come to work. I don't like that it has that sort of "control" over me. So your post has convinced me that I need to let God guard my heart, it is his job after all right? Thank you so much!!
Posted by: Kristina | October 26, 2007 at 10:10 AM
Joanne,
Thank you for sharing your heart so openly. I know exactly what you mean about "ducks in order." I need to take a good look at my own control issues and ask the Lord for His help.
Have a good weekend,
Sara
Posted by: Sara | October 26, 2007 at 01:43 PM
Amen. God led me to this post tonight.
Posted by: mia | October 26, 2007 at 03:50 PM
You had me in tears...you in your pit of marriage desperation while voicing my experience in my own pit with the chaotic boys...same pit of pride...uggh....same bondage of bitterness...same horrific weeding that Jesus has been working "surgically" on too (I'm still finding root threads I never knew were left. I love how you put your heart out there...I am with ya girlfriend...God is so very good to us...so patient...so very, very patient! Love ya!
Posted by: Heidi | October 26, 2007 at 04:38 PM
Hi Joanne-
I know you don't know me at all, but I look at your site almost every day. I feel like I have a secret friend who likes a lot of the same things I do. Now, I realize we've shared some of the same problems. Actually, a lot of us have. Anger is an issue I never had to deal w/ until I couldn't easily have a child. Lack of control became a struggle for me too. I also understand the guarding of the heart that comes from being hurt. I felt God really let me down, that He allowed me to struggle unfairly. I finally did get to be mom to my beautiful boy Ethan and I thank Him for that precious gift every day. But, the knowledge that He really let me go through something sooo hard was still a struggle. I couldn't understand. Anyway, the verse, "Trust the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding" has been my verse that I claim everytime I start asking God the Why? questions. Also, the book Living Prayer that you recommended is great. I think it answers some of those questions.
Hang in there. Thanks for such a great site. You'll be in my prayers today.
Missi
Posted by: Missi | October 26, 2007 at 06:24 PM
Dear Joanne,
May God bless me with a beautiful repentant heart like yours. You are like King David, writing us modern day Psalms. Here's a great big cyber hug coming your way -
love, Janine
Posted by: Janine | October 26, 2007 at 08:53 PM
^Janine took the words right out of my mouth. Well, the words I would have said if I would have thought of them. You are definitely one of my favorite modern-day Psalmists. Love you, friend!
Thanks for the reminder that ooooh, do I have a long way to go!!
Posted by: Marla Taviano | October 26, 2007 at 10:28 PM
JoAnne,
God bless you and your willingness to open your heart and bare your soul. You are not alone in your journey sister. I too struggle with the pit of pride and low self-esteem. Unfortunately those "pits" play out as angry outbursts that are directed at those I love the most. I have found myself yelling so loud that I thought I would break blood vessels in my eyes -- then I was so, so scared and confused about where that anger could have been stored deep within me. That is not the person that I want to be, not the person that God wants me to be.
Thank you for opening up and sharing with all of us -- we are in this together. A circle of cyber support for each other on the journey.
Posted by: Lisa R-P | October 27, 2007 at 06:59 AM
wow, great post. very relatable! thanks for sharing.
Posted by: Betsy | October 28, 2007 at 05:59 PM
Oh wow do I have the t-shirt on this one...This was so transparent. I know you had to be afraid to type it out but holding that thing to the light is a huge part of breaking Satan's stronghold. I relate to this on so many levels and really am grateful I came here today...
But, here's the cool thing..I didn't come here by accident.
YOU ARE THE WINNER OF THE 'LOVING WELL' STUDY AT MY BLOG! :))
Is that the coolest thing or what?
Email me your address and I'll get it to you this week..:))
Much love,
Lisa
Posted by: Lisa @ The Preacher's Wife | October 28, 2007 at 07:10 PM
You don't know me but I have popped by your site a time or two...there have been many times where I have waken in the middle of the night, fearing that a post I had written was too real, too vulnerable, too transparent and then been amazed at the response...I can see you have had the response of many nodding in agreement. Thank you for your obedience to share the realities of life mixed with following Jesus.
For quite awhile, I had 5 different colored and different sized wooden ducks all lined up on my mantle...they were the only place that I knew "my ducks were all in a row" ;-)
This scripture has become incredibly meaningful to me over the last few years especially as my husband and I have dealt with our oldest daughter's struggle with depression:
"That is why I am suffering as I am. Yet I am not ashamed, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him for that day."
II Timothy 1:12
Richest blessings to you,
Helen
Posted by: Helen | October 29, 2007 at 03:45 PM
Joanne I just want you to know how much I appreciate you sharing this. I actually have tears streaming down my face while reading this post. You see you and I are very similar and I struggle with a lot of the same issues. Mainly the "bitterness, self-sufficiency, closed heart, and control". It's helps to know there are others out there that struggle with these issues, and also that with Gods help, you are dealing with it. I am in a dark place right now and I am struggling to let go of my bitterness and hurt. I know that I need to give my heart to God. I need to let go and let GOD help. I know God has heard my cries, now I need to wait patiently for him to come and help.
Thank you Joanne for taking the courage to share...it means a lot.
Posted by: erin s | October 30, 2007 at 01:42 PM