Toben just yelled down to me "You need a new blog header, that one's too Christmassy." Proving that he does read my blog and that I'm not the only one who yells in the house.
(I'm most excited about not being the only one who yells--though I really TRY to go to wherever the person I'm talking to is. Especially since it's something I say to the girls every single day.)
Anyway, I think this illustration from a vintage Valentine is just so darn cute. And the funny thing is that it's signed on the inside. "Love, Mommy" with the date. A little weird, but I'm going to think it's cute and quaint and vintage-y. (Because to be honest, if Toben called me Mommy I think I'd run for the hills!)
So this will be up for the rest of the month. But I feel like I need to say that this is NOT us. Even though she's wearing red (and we know I love that!). She's blonde, I'm not. And Toben doesn't really look anything like that. I don't even think he owns a tie. Or a jacket.
And I can't remember the last time hearts appeared above our heads or fireworks erupted the last time we kissed. Because my life is not a romance novel. I have a real husband, I am a real wife, we have a real marriage.
And while I think our marriage is pretty miraculous, it really has nothing to do with romance. In fact, it really has nothing to do with us.
On our own, I don't think we'd be married today. Because when Toben was diagnosed as being bipolar it was so hard and I was so unhappy and I was so tired of hurting all the time. Heartache is a real thing and gets old.
He'd tell me again and again that I'd be better off without him and I started to believe it. We sat down one night and decided to get divorced. We agreed it would be best for me, best for the children. We had witnesses and everything.
But God knew better than what we thought was best.
And so we never followed through. It confuses me to this day because there's no explanation for it--except God.
Living with mental illness in our marriage isn't fun. It's something that affects every single day. It affects our finances, our communication, our conflicts, our parenting. But it's okay.
God has used it to teach us, to cause us to grow, to show us how to love one another--not with feelings, but with action. Because that's what love is. A choice to act one way instead of another. Love must be demonstrated, then feelings follow.
"Living with mental illness in our marriage isn't fun. It's something that affects every single day. It affects our finances, our communication, our conflicts, our parenting."
People who haven't been there don't understand that even when hubby is "well" it still affects your day to day world. It's always nibbling away at your thoughts.
God is the ONLY reason I'm still married today. We couldn't possibly keep it together through all the madness without Him.
Posted by: Mary @ Simple Things | February 06, 2009 at 02:25 PM
You inspire me.
Not because I think your life is "perfect".
I know it's not.
I just like who you are and how you live--even when it's not perfect.
See you tomorrow. Tea cakes are in the oven, chocolate madeilines are ready, sandwich fillings are mixed, and the scones are next to be prepped.
Posted by: Kimberly | February 06, 2009 at 02:57 PM
This post hit me in a very poignant way. I grew up with a bipolar dad so I have a child's perspective of what it does to marriage and family. In my own 30 year marriage, without the burden of mental illness, we've had to make the choice to honor our commitment and to keep on loving even when it got too hard. God keeps on blessing us. Thank you for keeping it real here Joanne.
Posted by: Lina | February 06, 2009 at 03:01 PM
Thanks for encouraging me once again and reaffirming that although there is no diagnosed mental health issue in my marriage, I feel like depression is ever present. Only God can make a miracle out of a mess! You did it again, real, vulnerable and loyal. He should get all the glory, don't you think? Thanks for doing that again. :-)
Posted by: Dedra Herod | February 06, 2009 at 03:17 PM
Congrats on your 100%. Keep it up. Just caught up on your blog. I usually take one day a week and grap a coffee and catch up on your and Janna's blogs. Congrats on the book, can't wait to read it. Emma looks so cute..where does the time go..
Keep on keepn on..in school, in marriage, in parenting, and in life.
amy
Posted by: Amy McLean | February 06, 2009 at 03:25 PM
Praise the Lord!! He shines so brightly in you precisely because you can't do life on your own. NONE of us can!
You're a hero to me, sweet friend! May God bless you HUGELY today!
Love you!
Posted by: Marla Taviano | February 06, 2009 at 03:26 PM
Um...Love, Mommy???
Gag.
Posted by: Marla Taviano | February 06, 2009 at 03:26 PM
Thank you for being so...real.
My husband is an alcoholic, and I have been feeling that heartache lately, and yes, it does get old. I just need to remember to get my needs met from Jesus.
Thank you!
Posted by: Beth | February 06, 2009 at 03:39 PM
Hi Joanne,
I have been following your blog for a while through a link on Kim Davis' blog. I love it! I was blown away when you said your husband is bipolar.....I have an adopted little boy (almost 7) who has not been diagnosed but is being treated for "symptoms of". It is hard.....shows me how to better pray for you. It's one of those things nobody can understand until they live with it. I applaud you....if I had the chance to "divorce" a child I may have been tempted at times. God it the healer. It's heartbreaking to see someone you love struggle with mental illness though. Thanks for being transparent!
blessings,
Donna
Posted by: Donna | February 06, 2009 at 03:53 PM
I had no idea. And, I just sit here and thank God for you, for your marriage, and for His miracles. He is awesome. Life will NEVER be easy, but with God, we can and we will get through it. Don't ever let go.
Love ya girl!
Posted by: Fran | February 06, 2009 at 07:01 PM
I do like romance but I also think love is definitely a decision, especially after 25 years of marriage and three children. But an occasional nooner...always nice.
:0)
Posted by: Susan | February 06, 2009 at 07:06 PM
What a beautiful testimony to the power of our Jesus!
Posted by: Melissa @ Breath of Life | February 06, 2009 at 07:26 PM
Joanne, i am just coming out of a year long depression r/t my hypoactive thyroid...i wanted to sing 'i can see clearly now the rain is gone...' today. but i also know that if i don't take my medicine, get the exercise and sleep i need and remain in Him (John 15:5) the lifted fog i am enjoying today can creep in quietly and undetected.
thank you for your authenticity...reminds me of TrueFaced...i saw Toben's name in the contributors. the book is one of the most influential books i've read recently
Posted by: ann berg | February 06, 2009 at 09:11 PM
God is soooo good. AND...I love the new header!
Posted by: Cherry Tree Lane | February 06, 2009 at 11:44 PM
So grateful for God's redemption (in my life and in yours)! Thanks for being transparent--you are an encouragement to many!
Posted by: Holly B. | February 07, 2009 at 12:19 AM
Beautiful entry (:
That last picture is really cute. Can't imagine you in such a huge dress though. Haha!
Posted by: Puva | February 07, 2009 at 01:02 AM
Hi Joanne,
I have been a "lurker" of your blog for some time now. I have read "The Simple Wife" and really try to practice your ways of placing God first and being a great person, wife, and mother.
This post has really hit home. No mental illness in my marraige, but we are two real people with two sets of real emotional baggage. And you are right, no matter how hard our little hearts try, it is only with God's help that we are able to make it through life together and life in general.
Thank you! You are an inspiration!
My best, Allison~
Posted by: Allison | February 09, 2009 at 07:54 AM
Oh Joanne -- I am just catching up with my blog reading. thank you so much for your transparency, your authenticity, and for being you. I learn from you all the time and today is no exception. Your honesty gives us all permission to be human, to be real women who can share and learn from each other. To acknowledge our baggage and name the color of the suitcase that we carry. Thank you friend!
Lisa
Posted by: Lisa R-P | February 09, 2009 at 08:47 PM
Wow. I just found your blog via Marla Taviano's. Totally wasn't expecting to see anything about dealing with BP & marriage in the same post. Or at all. In my marriage, I am the one who is affected with BP disorder 2. And I have recently told my husband that he deserves better. But I cannot bear the thought of being without my children & I know that God gave me my husband & kids for a reason... But it's so hard when your life is constantly permeated by emotions. Medicines help, but without the Rock that is God, well, life would be very different for me. I do feel very alone at times. I so wish that I could be normal; it seems like life would be easier, though I am sure that other things people deal with are just as hard. Thanks for showing me I am not alone.
Posted by: ginger | February 14, 2009 at 01:55 AM