Toben and I are hosting a party tonight as part of Two Ignite, the new marriage ministry at our church. The theme for this month is 2play--you can find out more about the ministry and what all the "2 (fill in the blank)" things are all about here.
Our neighborhood has an amazing clubhouse and several pools--and we can rent the facility for free a couple of times a year. So we're hosting a pool party tonight and expecting quite a crowd.
(I do have to say that I struggle with the "play" part of this. It feels like we're really just hanging out. We've not really organized games or anything like that and I'm sort of wondering if we should have. Anyway.)
I'm excited to meet some new people, to hear some marriage stories, to sit under the twinkle lights in the palm trees, and sip some sangria. (I found an alcohol-free recipe here. Not that I'm opposed to alcohol, but with Toben's struggle with alcoholism, we just avoid it. Period. I'll let you know how it turns out. I got a beautiful beverage jar at Costco yesterday and I'm so excited to see how pretty it looks in it!)
I'm serving up some chicken tacos (the chicken is cooking in the crockpot already this morning) and will post recipes and pictures and maybe even some video after the party tonight. But a couple of things are on my mind this morning.
This move has been a good one, mostly because of our church. We didn't have to "church shop"--Toben's being on staff pretty much determined that we'd go to Mission Community Church! But even at that, we made a choice to jump in and get involved. To meet people. To be at church whenever it's open.
We've invited people over for dinner. Instead of waiting around for people to befriend us, we've tried to reach out to others. Who cares that we're the new ones? We don't have to wait to be asked, we can ask!
Please don't think that I think we're all that. But we've moved quite a bit, and this move has been particularly good and different from the others because we made some specific, determined choices about how we'd settle here.
All too often, I think we as people expect others to reach out to us, to invite us, to know that we're new, that we need friends. And when (especially in a big church where there are so many new faces) people don't automatically know all that, we give up, get disappointed, and sit around feeling grumpy and even a little bit mad.
We get out of something what we put into it. We have to make some effort, take some chances, get up and get out and reach out if we want to feel at home in a place.
The cool thing is that we don't have to wait for a new move to start reaching out. Sometimes we've been in a place for a while, but still don't feel quite at home. We can always start over--even in the same old place. And in starting over, we find a whole new place.
I relate to this.
John pastored for many years. Every time we moved to a new place, we did the inviting. We picked a week night that worked for us, and each week on the appointed night we picked a family or two to join us for dinner. I had 2-3 menus that were easy to prepare and I rotated between them. Those weekly dinners were foundational to the relationships we made at each church we were a part of.
I've let that slide in the last few years...it seems to have made a difference once we weren't a part of a church staff...but I so agree with you about being proactive. If you're sitting around waiting for an invite, you might be waiting for a long time and missing out on some blessings.
Have fun tonight.
PS--I signed up with two friends at church to feed 100 people in a few weeks. Maybe we'll make chicken tacos. ;)
Posted by: Meredith | September 13, 2009 at 11:11 AM
Great point!!!
And I agree with Meredith....we were in and out of the ministry for 10+ years now. Needless to say we've moved around a LOT...
Currently, we are serving in my husband's "home" church, where he stepped down about a year ago from his position. It was hard for me to feel connected after we weren't paid staff.
I am generally shy by nature..maybe waiting for someone to befriend me...but clearly you all are right. In order to feel connected, a person MUST connect themselves.
I love reading your blog...so fun. Very glad to have found it. :)
Posted by: Jeni | September 13, 2009 at 11:38 AM
It helps that you are in Phoenix. Alot of people are transplants and I found them to be incredibly easy to befriend when I lived there. Just ask around about who is a native. I am glad you are getting connected. Is it easier if you are on staff? Do you find people seek to get to know you because you are married to Toben? vs. an ordinary church attending family. Just curious.
Posted by: Lisa | September 13, 2009 at 12:23 PM
Your post was so refreshing! The best way to find a friend is to BE a friend first! I know too many people who have been offended because no one was reaching out to them. Your main focus at church shouldn't be what you can GET out of it, but what you can GIVE. Not how others can minister to you, but who YOU can minister to!
Posted by: Bethany | September 13, 2009 at 01:20 PM
I am loving following this ministry! I hope you will be able to bring it to Denver when you return. It would be awesome at our church - a growing start up with almost all young couples and families! BTW your excitement for the Esther study got me motivated to join in our study at church. We start Wednesday and I am so excited to get into a group study again. Have fun at the pool party- sounds fun!
Posted by: Elizabeth Mardesen | September 13, 2009 at 03:27 PM
Thanks for this post. My husband is an associate Pastor and we're at his first call and have been here just two years. We've been toying with the idea of an "open house" and just inviting more people for dinner. But with him being the pastor it gets a little sticky sometimes...and we have small kids so that adds to the dimension. But it's good to be reminded that being a friend first is always good! Thanks!
Posted by: Jamie | September 13, 2009 at 09:39 PM
Thanks for the push! We've been in Nashville for two years and know almost no one... I was a pastor's kid and got used to being the one everyone approached. I don't have this luxury as an adult, but I still sit at home and wonder why I'm lonely. Thanks for the reminder- I needed that today!
Posted by: Mandy | September 14, 2009 at 07:05 AM
Lisa: No I don¹t think being on staff at the church changes it really.
Because most people don¹t know Toben is on staff! He¹s not a pastor and has
never really been introduced in front of everyone. So we feel just like
everybody else! :)
On 9/13/09 12:23 PM, "[email protected]" wrote:
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