Drama Queen

 

I am not usually a drama queen by nature; I tend to stay pretty even tempered. (Though I will say I used to be a drama queen. Not sure if that was me, or just me having two children under the age of five for a season. Whatever it was, it was exhausting and I didn't like it much.)

Anyhow, today I was a drama queen. Or, more of a DRAMA QUEEN as the case may be.

Not so pretty. No tiara, no royal robes.

Just a good hair day and a really bad attitude.

The thing is, I don't even know what set me off. The day started fine. I blogged about my desire to get back to some discipline in my walk, some strict training in this journey of faith. I got the boys to school (my extra two!) after spending the night with them, and then went back home. I walked in the door and WHAM! 

It felt like I walked into a cloud, under a cloud, into a swirling mess. Some of it feels like SUPER DUPER PMS (my friend Yvette says it should all be capitalized like that, and I agree), but some of it felt darker than that. Stifling. Suffocating.

When I said "Bring it" at the end of my last post, that is so not what I meant.

And so I struggled against it and fought the cloud and then in a fit of rage gave in. Said horrible things to Audrey. Yelled a lot and was mean. 

And I have to admit that it felt good to give it free rein. For about a fraction of a second. And then it felt bad. Really, really bad.

I hate knowing that kind of thing lurks in me. I had thought it was gone--it's been years since rage has come out like that. And it scared me.

So I curled up on the floor in the living room and did the ugly cry. And then I got up and cried some more. Then read comments from you on Twitter and Facebook and listened to voicemail and cried some more.

And then I apologized to my sweet girl. Asked her to forgive me. And she did. I hope what she'll remember is me admitting I was wrong, remember my sorrow over my words rather than the words themselves. 

I hope she'll remember someday when she's a grownup that it's hard to be grownup sometimes, hard to be a mom. That moms can apologize to their kids, ask for forgiveness too.

I hope she remembers that we get do-overs. That while we do have to deal with the consequences, we can forgive and move forward and start again.

***

Lisa sent me this verse, and it's one you might need to if you can relate to any of this. It's definitely going on a card and be written on my heart:

I will try to walk a blameless path, 

but how I need your help, 

especially in my own home, 

where I long to act as I should.

Psalm 101:2, Living Bible

Comments

[Jeni]

I'm going in search of a card RIGHT NOW to write that verse down. I have a 3yo and a baby, and it's hard. I think I'm going to put the card on the windowsill over my kitchen sink, so I will see it several times a day.

[Angela]

I just wanted to let you know how much I'm enjoying your blog. Also, I just ordered your book "Happily Ever After." I've been married for almost 4 months, and it's not at all what I expected. I was reading Marla Taviano's book and she quoted your book. I thought, hey, I've been reading her blog! (Guess I should have looked at the sidebars a little more closely - it shouldn't have taken me that long to know you wrote books too). :-) Just wanted to let you know you've been a blessing to read, and I can't wait to read your book.

[Holly @ Crownlaiddown]

There's nothing like a do-over...a fresh page...a new day. Love you, friend. And I miss you, too.

[Kimberly]

Much love & prayers for you!

[adele]

Joanne, this reminds me of a prayer I often pray on my bad days, "By your grace, may Hannah grow and thrive in spite of my today." And by asking for forgiveness like you did, you've made a huge impression on her. Love ya. Hang in there, and I CAN'T WAIT to see you guys this Saturday. I've miss ya!

[Marla Taviano]

Feeling your pain. Thanks for being so transparent. Love you, friend!

[ann]

i've had those days...more than i'd like to admit or even number. i agree with adele; i've uttered, mumbled, cried the same prayer: "Lord, by Your grace, may K or L or E {fill in the blank} grow to love You and be drawn to You...in spite of me."

asking forgiveness for my ugliness toward K or L or E {fill in the blank} requires me to first humble myself before the Lord...i don't have the strength to ask forgiveness on my own...and i know He uses the moment for His glory. {less of me...MORE of Him}

[Janna]

Coping this verse to post on my fridge right now! Praying for you friend!

[kellie]

amazing how coky we get and Satan is right there to make us feel defeated. But your heart was there, hearing the wrong words come out and you allowed Gods grace to humble you. How good is that. God is good. children can be such an example of Gods forgivness and grace!

[Caroline]

been there last week, even a little today! my little ones are seeing forgiveness and granting it before they can understand it. thanks for the honesty and a powerful verse!

[Heidi]

I think that "cloud" blew your way from being here yesterday. It was ugly here (see facebook post) and I readily sunk to Tory's 7 yr old level....I really hate that I can do that!!! Both kids had me in tears and then I cried again trying to explain it to Auston. What a mess. Just couldn't shake it all off like normal. Dog gone hormones blended with moody/demanding child = childish behaving mommy. The healing is so cathartic once forgiveness has been extended. You are not alone in the exploding mouth followed by a double portion of guilt. Hugs to you...my drama queen. God is still good. ;)

[Angie]

Aaghhh! You've put into words what I feel far too often. I cringe when I see how ugly I can be in my heart and with my words. I have a friend who constantly encourages me to apologize to my kids when I've acted poorly and it is so humbling. I love that verse, Joanne. I'm also going to display it where I'll see it often. And I'm going to memorize it too - which is a big thing for me to say!

I'm glad we're all in this together.

(Oh and this - "Just a good hair day and a really bad attitude." - is so funny and so true!)