Moving from A to B, or Denver as the case may be

It's been a big week around here. And I'll spare you the long story and just give you the "net net" as my friend Michael says: 

We are moving back to Colorado on June 30.

But since I am a girl, I can't leave it at the "net net." It's going to have to be a long story after all. Here's the rest. And this may be a doozy of a post, but here goes.

Emotionally I am all over the place: Up and down and turned inside out. Happy and sad. Excited and terrified. Relieved and worried. At peace and tied up in knots. Sure and full of doubt.

I've been lots of fun to live with these past few days. Poor Toben.

As I've journaled and prayed--a lot--this week, the question I keep asking is "Why?" It feels like God changed his mind. Like he was so clear about us staying in Arizona another year, and then is suddenly leading a different direction. And I just don't understand.

Or maybe it's not so sudden. There are so many circumstances, so many details that suddenly make a lot of sense when viewed as a whole. 

Things like looking and looking for a new rental house here only to have every single house we liked rented by someone else that same morning. Things like details with our house in Denver. Things like my sister and her family having moved back to Denver, moved to a house just 10 minutes or so from ours. Things like teaching and learning so much about trust that God as teacher has decided need a practical kind of an exam. 

Things that God has orchestrated into place and then suddenly connected with a big "ta-da!"

But still. I think part of what's going on is that I'm doubting hearing his voice. Was what I heard back in January about staying here next year not him? Is this not him? Was it all him and he's just changed plans? I'm feeling so confused.

The thing is though, that Toben is not confused. At all. He's certain and sure and confident and excited. And hearing from God left and right. 

(Which is a post brewing for the Our Crazy Marriage blog. Because God's definitely using all of this to affect some change in our marriage.)

So, all that to say, we'll be back in Denver. 

Some nitty gritty stuff: We're going to homeschool again next year--the girls have made it clear that's their first choice. (So Wendy and Kristina and Nikki: We're on for homeschool stuff together, right?) Though I may trade babysitting for math instruction with my sister. I'm registered to take a class at Denver Seminary--New Testament Greek on Monday nights. We're going to continue life as a TV-free family. And we're becoming a one-car family for the near future.

The one big thing that seems to be missing? A job for Toben. Thus my fear and freaking out. Prayers much appreciated. Make that much, much, MUCH appreciated.

***

When I typed "moving to Colorado" into Google to see if I could find a cute picture or image to post, you want to know what popped up on the first page of results? This:

 

My very own family room. Weird, huh? 

***

So most everything up till this point in the post was actually written yesterday morning--Friday--but I didn't post it because Audrey wasn't home yet. She's been at camp at Forest Home in California all week and didn't have a clue that this was happening.

(Neither did we. Have to say that while it may not seem sudden to God, it was sudden for us. We got up on Sunday, dropped Audrey and her stuff at the bus for camp, worked all morning at church, some stuff happened, we had some discussion, and then at 3 o'clock we were moving back to Denver.)

We went back and forth about going to get her to tell her, how to tell her, so on and so forth. But we wanted her to have a great week. And she did. Until she got home and found out.

She got home last night completely exhausted and hungry. And telling her we are moving did not go well. She's asking all the same things I've been asking myself: Why? Didn't God say we were staying in Arizona? Not to mention feeling like she's just spent a week making amazing friends, looking forward to junior high with them, and feeling like she belongs here.

It's so hard. Her heart is hurting, breaking. If you'd pray for her, I would appreciate it more than I could say.

***

The thing is, I am excited. Not that you'd be able to tell by how I've been feeling or acting. Denver IS home. It's just that Arizona is home too. I have to remind myself that there are people who live in a place for years and never feel at home the way we do--and we feel that way in two places, no less.  

As I told Audrey, we can feel sad, scared, and whatever else we're feeling. 

And we have to choose to remember the things we're excited about too. Gran and Papa. Aunt Kristen, Uncle Wade, Ava, Tyson, and Levi. Getting her own room again. Having a guest room for friends from Arizona to use. Putting the swings back in the trees in the backyard. My refrigerator (some appliances do merit strong feelings of love). Friends there. Green grass. Camping trips with Gran and Papa. Crafty space in the basement. Trips to the mountains. Seminary.

So, the next three weeks are going to be filled with finishing up our school year, packing, wrapping up stuff at work, spending time with friends here. Something tells me it's going to go by quickly.

***

That's what's going on in a nutshell. A really, really big nutshell.

Comments

[Nikki]

WOW!!!!

Well, despite the sadness, fear, etc... can I say I'm excited? :) And yes, my dear, we are ON with home-schooling stuff. And anything else you need.

What kind of job is Toben looking for specifically? We will be praying...

[Barbara Motyka]

I will be praying for all of you! Good luck with the moving process, although by now I know you have had lots of practice!
Barb in CNY

[Krista]

I've never commented but read your blog daily. This post really resonated with me because after homeschooling for 8 years, accepting a leadership position in our homeschool coop for next year, and purchasing most of our needed high school curriculum - over the course of a weekend decided to put our kids in public school. Through May I felt totally led by God to continue to homeschool and now I know that I know that God has led us to change directions. I've had the same questions, "Did I miss something? What was God's point?" At least this life with God is never boring!

[Sandy]

Praying for you and the whole family. Sounds like a lot to take in and try to accomplish over the next few weeks. I'll be thinking about you and praying too.

[Jen Schrock]

Wow!! In thrilled to hear you'll be back! However, you confusion and uncertainty are very valid and I would be torn just like you. He's with you through it all, just like always! We'll be praying!

[Dedra Herod]

Wow, just wow... I'm praying for you to rest in the fact that He has this all figured out and that your job.. believe.

Believe that He has the BEST of everything under control.. and your job.. pack and remain grateful.

Love ya girl,
D

[Kimberly]

Amazing how much can change so quickly, is it not my dear friend? We sooooo need to get together. Now, if I could just figure out where to live!

[Eveline]

When I read your post 15 mei about Denver or stay, I read between the lines that your hart is in Denver. with your family.

Good Luck!

Eveline!

[erin]

Maybe sometimes God changes things on us on purpose. To see if we would follow Him anywhere. To make sure we are listening.

I will be praying for you and your family! For peace and joy to follow God back to Denver! I am in the process of moving myself.. moving from California to Oregon! Boxes are taking over my life! Praying for the whole process to go smoothly.. it comes fast!

[Kimberly]

Wow, we are never really in control. I will be praying for your girls...change is hard. Right now my husband is in Africa for the second 6 weeks this year. I know with all my heart God provided this job for him a year ago and will carry us through these times, but it is much harder on my 7 year old son. Well we will miss having breakfast at LGO next November but one of Kevin's brother is in Denver so you never know when we might come knocking...probably when there is snow since my kids have always lived in the south.

Much Love,
Kimberly

[Mer@Lifeat7000Feet]

Wow, Joanne. I'm feeling overwhelmed on your behalf! I didn't cry until you wrote about Audrey. Because I SO get that. My kids just got back from a wonderful week of camp and really feel "glued" to their friends right now. They made some strong bonds. So yes, I will pray for all of you, but especially Audrey.

I also get the feeling of belonging in two places. We had amazing friends in Arkansas, but we were able to go deep with some people within months of moving here and we feel as much (if not more) at home in CO as in AR. We're blessed. And you are as well.

Lots to pray about I guess. A job. A church home in CO that feels like your church in AZ. Getting re-settled and finding your groove again, etc.

I'm so glad you have your family there. And friends! It's HUGE that your husband is absolutely certain this is the path God has laid out for your family. HUGE.

I can relate to so many things you said, and I could write a novella in your comments but I won't. We can catch up later this summer once you find your pace in Denver. In the meantime, I'll be praying.

[Rachel]

Perhaps God did say for you to stay in Arizona to check out your obedience to Him (kinda an Abraham/Isaac thing). Perhaps God was checking to see if you would become content with your circumstances (Philipians 4:11). Since it appears that you have done both, it seems God rewarded you with your heart's desire (Psalm 37:4). Praying your move goes smoothly. =)

[kristin pattison]

Dear Joanne...
so glad for you...so glad I met you..and will always know you! Please occasionally post pictures of your shoes.

Love, Kristin

[No.17 CherryTreeLane]

I am praying for you, friend.
I love you.
R

[Donna]

Wow...God must have something good waiting for you all at home. Keep in the Word. I will pray for you and your family's needs. Have a safe journey back to Denver.

Your blog has so encouraged and helped me sort things out in my own life...and to think it all began by reading your book like three years ago. Thank you, Joanne.

Today we had a ladies tea at church and we celebrated the seasons of womanhood. I loved hearing all the ladies stories and I am happy that God always has a plan...like it was said today, if you step back and look at life as a tapestry...a thread weaved over time...what a picture you will have. God is good.

[Kim]

I am speechless! We have so enjoyed having you and Toben here and all the Two Ignite events. You will be dearly missed. I know God has great plans for your family! We will keep you in our prayers.

[Marla Taviano]

Oh, wow. Praying for Audrey. For you. For Toben. For Emma.

Love you, friend! And (selfishly) MUCH more excited about the prospect of visiting you in Denver someday than Gilbert. ;)

[Dawn W]

Wow. Wow. WOW!

You know, in my life I think sometimes God has asked me to do things - things that maybe I really, REALLY didn't want to do - just to command my obedience. And, once I've experienced the sweet place of submission and obedience - life took off in a completely different direction, but still in HIS leading.

I'll be praying for your family.

Be blessed!

[Kristen]

Well you KNOW we're excited to have you back home. Levi FINALLY gets to meet his Uncle BoBo!

[Holly]

My mouth is open...I totally just read this and HAD NO CLUE! I think I need to re-read it and make sure that I understood correctly... you really need to call me, when you have a moment's peace. Love, Holly

[Susan]

Seems to me I recently read a post by you saying something about being homesick...wondering if He might have purposely placed that on your heart...

In any case. I am praying for you, Toben, Audrey & Emma. In no particular order, I might add!

Sad that I just made plan reservations to visit you in AZ. *just kidding*

I would be much more psyched about visiting you in AZ :)

Love you.

S