Toben's Uncle Jim always says that there's a story behind every story. Don't be so quick to jump to conclusions, he'd tell Toben. There's a reason why that person dresses that way, looks that way, did that thing. There's a story behind every story.
But how often do we rush past, not taking the time to look beyond the cute haircut, the great (or not so great!) outfit, the cute shoes, the well-designed blog to see who is really there.
The truth is, many of us often look like we have it together on the outside. We present ourselves to the world around us as put together, made up, coordinated, and confident. And maybe that's true. Maybe there are people out there who are that together--both outside and inside. I've just not met any of them yet. But for most of us, I'm guessing that it's only partly true.
Maybe some of it is an effort to control the controllable when other things feel out of control. Maybe some of it is an effort to make ourselves feel better on those days when we don't feel okay, when the truth is simply that a cute outfit or a really good hair day or a new pair of jeans goes a long way to help us overcome sorrow or weariness or heartache or grief. (It may be shallow, but it's true.)
It's not like we want to wear masks. And I don't think that's what we're doing really. I think it's more a matter of learning who is safe, what is private, where the boundary line is drawn when it comes to revealing the nitty gritty of what's going on underneath the outward appearance of things.
That and the fact that there is always--always--more going on under the surface than people can see at first glance.
And ultimately, the details of my struggle--of yours--are on a need to know basis. It's enough to know that struggle is present and that God knows the details and we can pray and love and support without knowing them ourselves. All too often we get caught up in wanting to know the details and the ins and outs of who said what or did what to who rather than just accepting the fact that there's hurt or sorrow or conflict there.
I had coffee with a friend this morning and we talked through some of this. Of the careful process of learning how much to say and to whom. Of the huge importance of looking beyond the surface to really seeing others as more than just an outward package. Of the difficult place when you realize you've said too much and feel exposed and vulnerable and unsafe.
Of course, we need those friends who do know the ins and outs. All the details--the good, the bad, and the really, really ugly--and love us anyway. I guess I'm talking more about casual friends, acquaintances, the people you know, but not really. That's more where this gets worked out, I think. Those relationships based more on perception than actual knowledge.
I'm feeling melancholy today. It's just on my mind, what I'm thinking about today. A reminder to myself that things aren't always as they seem, that the same grace I want others to give me is the grace I need to extend.
Feeling like this is sort of random, not making much sense. But some of blogging is journaling and figuring stuff out as I type. So this is what I've got right now. Wondering how to be more careful about what I say, what I share, and still be real.
How do you navigate this? Where's the balance between being private and being stand-offish?How do you know what to share and what not to share? Thoughts?
From a friend, who is more than a casual friend to you, I believe, I say to your question, I don't know. I usually say and share most of it. Then again, I usually get hurt in the process. So I need to learn to be a friend, who shares rightly and divides appropriately and loves deeply and continues to trust, even when I get hurt.
Posted by: Holly @ Crownlaiddown | June 18, 2010 at 01:40 PM
And this is why I have been a lot quieter lately as well. :)
Feel free to write/call/cry in this direction. You've got my new number I think. Feel free to use it as needed. I get it.
Posted by: Kimberly | June 18, 2010 at 02:35 PM
Your question here is a hard one for me, but one that I struggle with just as much today as I did many years ago, as a kid. I am a very private person and that has proved, over my many years of life, to be something that I tend to regret at times. Here's the thing...Being private (in my opinion) is okay. Being stand-off'ish is not. The problem here is that most people, when looking/observing a person(me, a VERY private person) from the outside usually see that person as stand-off'ish and automatically label them as a "snob" or self-centered. So,where is the line? For me, being private is who I am, I just need to work on not being TOO private, coming across as stand-off'ish and scare people away (hence, probably my reason for not having any really close friends for most of my life). This is something that I work on everyday! Most people struggle in life with addictions and and other "stuff". Well, for me, this is my struggle and what I find on my personal prayer list on a regular basis. I am finding that it is getting a little easier with age. So, I guess growing old does have its advantages. :)
Posted by: Amy | June 21, 2010 at 11:35 AM
Trust is key for me, trusting myself. Why am I saying it? To get attention? To get payback? To get sympathy? Or am I really seeking some encouragement and godly counsel? I have been that girl at bible study who has blabbed way too much about hubs or kids or family. Honestly, most of it was to boast myself up or pride making the point you can't break me. Which is phooey:) So I have to ask why am I sharing and then I can judge from there. Having said that I also have friends who will call me on what I say and not let me get by with the phooey. Praise God for them!
Posted by: rhonda | June 21, 2010 at 08:28 PM