Audrey and I are back at the hospital. She had a minor breakdown this evening and just really needed to see her mom. I don't care what's going on, if Audrey wants to see her mama I am going to try to make that happen. I can totally relate. Sometimes when I'm not at the hospital I get extremely anxious, wanting to be there. My fear is that Joanne will be awake or scared or uncomfortable or in pain and that I won't be there to advocate for her or get her the help she needs or just keep her company. So anyhow, tonight is one of those nights that Audrey (and me too) felt like a night visit was in order. Thankfully Joanne is resting and will probably have no idea that we are here, but it is good for Audrey and I to share this time with her.
On the drive down here Audrey and I talked a lot about stress and sadness. I was trying to explain to her that everyone handles stress differently. Some people want to eat a lot and some people don't want ot eat anything. Some people want to sleep 24 hours a day and others can't sleep at all. Some people have anxiety attacks, some get depressed, some try to numb out. But it is different for each of us. We decided that the challenge is to not let your stress behavior win. We decided that we have to fight for normalcy--normal sleep, normal eating, normal hours, normal routine. But that can be so tough!
For example: I could sleep 24 hours straight at this point. But I have to fight that and get out of bed every morning and get my day going. I need to do that for Joanne, for the girls, for my employer (starting back to work on Monday) and for my own well-being. Audrey doesn't have much of an appetite these days, but we talked about the fact that she need to fight that, to eat well, to have the energy and health to stay strong for her mom and to do well in school.
We also talked about the reality that when we are in the middle of a stressful situation, especially one as long term as the one we find ourselves in now, it is really hard to quantify the stress. I think that we know things are stressful now as we walk this path as a family, but when Joanne gets to come home and things normalize (whatever that'll look like) we'll be able to better understand the stress of these days. And we are probably going to go through a period of needing to sort that out, of processing it, of letting go and recovering. I imagine taking a family vacation to the beach when this is all said and done and just sitting in the sand staring at the ocean and letting peace and well-being flood over us and to let the stress ebb away with the waves. Sounds a little idealistic as I sit here in Joanne's room, but...
On another note: I was completely, I mean completely blown away with Audrey's tender care for her mom today. When we got to the hospital Joanne had a hot flash--sometimes the brain triggers weird temperature events and the body has a little trouble regulating all of that. So Audrey sprung into action. We got the AC turned on and Audrey got a cold, wet cloth for Joanne's head. they she rubbed her arms and legs with another cold, wet cloth. And she kept at that for about an hour, working to get her mom cooled down. I just sat in amazement at the responsibility and care that Audrey was demonstrating. I really didn't do much because I didn't want to get in Audrey's way as she met Joanne's needs. What a special kid!
Then Audrey set out to brush Joanne's hair. Again, she gently brushed for who knows how long, trying to get some of the residual from her incision combed out. I can't tell you how it blessed me, and I know that it blessed Joanne even more so.
Joanne is still writing notes. She really, really wants a popsicle. Unfortunately we aren't allowed to do anything other than ice chips, which Joanne has clearly indicated are a sorry substitute. Maybe on Monday we can get permission for her to have popsicles. Terry from speech therapy is going to try her on yogurt or applesauce or something more solid to see how her swallow is working.
Prayer requests:
Audrey. Tonight when Audrey was crying and I was holding her how proud I was of her for her taking such good care of her mom. She said, "But I don't want to be the mom !" I took that to mean that she doesn't feel ready to step completely into a care-giver role with Joanne. She missed her mom like crazy and wants her to provide care for her. We talked about the fact that this is just a season and the Audrey doesn't have to be the mom, just that her role is going to be a little different for a time. My prayer is that even though this experience is "aging" Audrey some (see her last blog post), that she would still feel free to just be a kid (so glad she is back at Denver Christian with lot of friends her age). She has mentioned a dozen time how badly she just wants a hug from her mom. I am going to pray that that day comes soon. Also, Audrey is carrying some risidual guilt from a fight she and Joanne had the night before Joanne's stroke. Please pray that that guilt will be lifted and that she'll be at peace.
Toben
P.S. Emma was at the hospital again today and did just fine. She hung out in Joanne's room some and spent the rest of her time in the family room with her cousin. So glad to be over that hurdle with her!
Not that any of you wold have chosen these circumstances, but even so, I think one outcome of them is going to be an extreme closeness and mutual appreciation for each other as a family of 4. I've seen families that walk thru traumas like a mom with breast cancer or ever loss of a job, and they seem to have a closeness that couldn't have built any other way--but simply thru hard work and the realness that the people we love our precious and fragile. God bless you and keep you and your girls as you "do the work" during these long days!
Posted by: Brynn in CO | February 12, 2011 at 08:52 PM
Praying for Audrey tonight as I head to bed. What a brave little girl.
Posted by: Ashley Honea | February 12, 2011 at 08:55 PM
Toben,
What great woman you have in your life! You and Joanne have done a wonderful job bringing up such strong girls! Joanne is going to be thrilled on what they have accomplished while she has been sick!
Many blessings to you all.
Posted by: Laurie | February 12, 2011 at 09:00 PM
I'm following your blog (and praying) from Alaska; and to some degree, reliving the stroke my mom had when I was 13... It's been nearly 50 years and yet I remember that time so clearly. It is so good you and Audrey can talk about her feelings about not wanting to be the "mom". As the oldest, she's going to want to be responsible, yet it is so important she be given the role of child as much as possible. I've had a wonderful life, but that one event instantly took away my childhood. Keep listening to her, praying and PLAYING through this time. (Oh, yes, my mom recovered most of the way and lived another 30 years. Her testimony powerfully told of God's changing her role in the world dramatically, yet using her so much more as an empty vessel filled with, and obedient to, His Holy Spirit, listening and ministering in a new quieter way. I know God has great things in store for Joanne and your whole family as you look to HIM!)
Posted by: Pat | February 12, 2011 at 09:00 PM
Bless her sweet heart. Please let her know that her service to her mom is such a kind and loving thing. It would be easy for a kid to just shut down and not do anything. Praying that very soon, Audrey and Emma will get those hugs from their mom. I'm just sure that Joanne is yearning for that, too.
Posted by: Melana Cummings | February 12, 2011 at 09:13 PM
Highs and Lows. That's our walk with Him,
as He leads us thru the valleys and again to the mountains. This will not be a short journey and there has been some real groundwork layed even before this event began. To each of you who are following with Joanne and family, may we not grow weary in our prayers but be strenghtened in Him and for them as well to continue faithfully in prayer. A few weeks ago I did not even know Joanne but now God has gave me such a passion of prayer for this sweet one and her family.
Posted by: Patti in Craig | February 12, 2011 at 09:20 PM
I'm praying for Audrey. Your words brought back feelings of when my mom battled leukemia when I was 16. I felt much like Audrey does now. You are doing a wonderful job of talking with her and helping her to understand her feelings. Joanne is so proud of her too I'm sure. When I look back at that season in my life, I can see God's hand in everything. I will specifically pray that God will reveal Himself to Audrey through this time. I'm praying for both girls that they can hold onto that childlike wonder and innocence that can be taken away by difficult circumstances. God is working a miracle in all of your lives and I praise God and give Him all the glory.
Posted by: Allison | February 12, 2011 at 09:37 PM
Toben,
What lucky/blessed girls Audrey and Emma are to have such a wise and loving daddy. Reading your words and descriptions of your wants and desires for your daughters reminds me of my daddy...we lost him 6 years ago Feb.24th. I ache for what your girls must endure, for the grace with which they are handling a very adult trauma...my heart is so sad for Audrey tonight knowing this burden she carries, the guilt of a classic mom/daughter right of passage...it must feel so big and overwhelming for her. Then my mind turns to your Emma, finding her mama moments after her stroke, what that must have been like for her. And of course my thoughts are of you, trying to be all things to all three of the precious women in your life. It all must feel like too much to bear at once most days. When it seems like touch, when it is all to heavy to carry remember this...
Where there is pain, there is love. Where there is fear, there is love. When darkness destroys the light, there is love. When hope seems lost, there is love. When loss of control threatens sanity, there is love. When the saddness of your girls is beyond your fixing, there is love. When the burdens of the day weigh heavy on your soul, there is love. When the next step seems too far, so out of reach, there is love. When you feel like every small improvement comes with multiple setbacks, there is love. And Toben, where there is love, there is God. God is love and he who abides in love abides in God and God in he.
Loving your beautiful family through prayer, today and every day.
Posted by: Auntie Mip | February 12, 2011 at 09:43 PM
Hey Audrey,
Like your Dad said, days like today happen and everyone handles stress differently. I'm like you in the sense that my appetite isn't all that great and I get sort of anxious. At that point, I make myself eat because the whole not eating thing just isn't healthy. The silver lining to this cloud is that this is only a temporary situation and you have a lot of family, friends and people praying for you and your family! You dad is also really awesome! Hang in there, sweet girl!
Love,
Mere
www.thebabblingsofmere.blogspot.com
Posted by: Mere | February 12, 2011 at 09:54 PM
You are a good Daddy, Toben. God has prepared you for this day and you are doing a wonderful job. The words of wisdom you are imparting are being sealed in the hearts of your girls and they will no doubt draw on them MANY times over their lifetimes. Praying for you in FL.
Posted by: robyn | February 12, 2011 at 10:00 PM
Toben,
I know that in your quiet moments, you may be questioning your own ability to handle all that has been put before you. I just want to encourage you to continue being the awesome dad you've been with your daughters and the wonderful husband you've been for Joanne. I will be praying that our Heavenly Father will pour out His blessings upon all of you and meet the specific needs of each of you.
Brian
Posted by: Brian Elder | February 12, 2011 at 10:10 PM
I appreciate all you are teaching as you walk so transparently. Pausing to lift you all to the Lord...
Posted by: Michal Ann | February 12, 2011 at 10:10 PM
Praying for the Holy Spirit to fill you with His peace during this stressful time! Also praying you ALL will be getting your hugs very, very soon!!!
Believing and dreaming of that vacation to the beach will be sooner than you think!!
And Praising God for all the special things you saw today! And Thanking Him for the Miracles we have seen so far!!
Posted by: Colette | February 12, 2011 at 10:15 PM
Oh, Toben. I don't know what to say or really even what to pray. So I'm just going to pray that God will love on each one of you tonight in the exactly perfect way that only he can, that each of you four will feel his love so powerfully and KNOW that you can do this. You can do all things through him who gives you strength. Love you all!
Posted by: Marla Taviano | February 12, 2011 at 11:12 PM
I can totally relate to Audrey's comment that she doesn't want to be the mom. My mom (a teacher) had a stroke when I was about 16. During her recovery, she had to learn to speak again. She practiced by reading Readers Digest out loud. I remember helping her with the words - it just felt so wrong and mixed up to "teach" her! And I just ached for her touch. I still (28 years later) have vivid memories of her playing with my hair and stroking my head as I lay my head next to her active hand on her bed - it was SUCH a comfort. Maybe that would help Audrey? Sadly, the cancer won less than a year after mom had the stroke.
Posted by: robin | February 12, 2011 at 11:23 PM
It may be helpful to lead a discussion with the girls about all the changes and what they miss the most about their 'old life'. It's a necessary grieiving process. The need for a hug from mom, an acknowledgement of the relationship, is probably something all three of you share. You and Audrey and Emma are the team called to bear this unusal burden together and yet separately. Joanne has a different calling in all of this. Don't be afraid of the 'where was God' questions. He can take it. Praying in Idaho.
Posted by: Kathy Rivera | February 13, 2011 at 12:25 AM
I'm just continuing to pray for all of you. You are doing an amazing job of helping your sweet girls through this. Surely our Lord is with you!
Posted by: Cindy Moses | February 13, 2011 at 05:29 AM
This is bringing back so many memories from when my Mother had a stroke 23 years ago. My Sister was only 16 and took over that Mother role! She cared for my Mother and did most everything for her! I will never forget those days! I am praying for Audrey and Emma as they love their Mother back to good health! Have a blessed day, HUGS and prayers from Georgia!
Posted by: Theresa Roach | February 13, 2011 at 06:36 AM
Hi Toben,
I know how tough it is to feel like you are the mom with your own parent. My mom was severely mentally ill and my sister and I not only raised ourselves but took care of her. We were blessed that we both found the Lord early in life and made times for ourselves to we could be, just kids again.
Your two girls have been in my prayers each and every day, as they struggle with the fears they have with Joanne's illness and mortality.
Encourage them to have some kid time. Movies, ice skating, anything that is fun and makes them laugh. Anything that gets them away from the stress of Joanne's health. Reassure them that you can handle anything with Joanne, and they should go off for a few hours and have fun. (start small and work up to an overnight with a friend)
I'm praying, praying, praying, and the Lord above is an awesome Lord and he will answer our prayers.
Blessings!
Posted by: Maribeth | February 13, 2011 at 06:44 AM
Toben
As I read this my heart breaks for Audrey but I am praying that God will give her the strength and encouragement to get thru this. I am praying that the hug from there mom will come soon and Jesus will hear our prayers. This early morning when I was just waking up I prayed Psalm 40:29-31
I prayed that over Audrey and Emma
He gives strength to the weary and in creases the power of the weak Even youths grow tired and weary and young men stumble and fall but those who hope in the Lord will renew there strength They will soar on wings like eagles they will run and not grow weary they will walk and not be faint. (Psalm 40:29-31 NIV)
I am praying for you as well thatGod would give you encouragement and strength I will praying for you as you go back to work.
I know you had said the girls got a WII Nintendo have you got any games for it yet I have Dance 2 and Dance on Broadway maybe the girl would enjoy those if you can find them and then maybe all 3 of you could play and laugh together.
Praying for you all
Carol
Posted by: Carol | February 13, 2011 at 07:03 AM
As someone who had to step into a "caretaker" role a bit too early, I will be saying special prayers for Audrey. I cannot imagine the great stress this is putting on all of you, but I do pray that the burden will be lifted by God and replaced with a peace that only He can provide. I continue to be amazed at the healing that is taking place in Joanne and pray that God will keep his amazing healing hand upon her so that she will have a complete recovery. I pray for the day for Joanne to be the mom again, to hug Audrey and Emma, and even dish out a little discipline...what a sense of normalcy you'll have then! :)
Posted by: Becky | February 13, 2011 at 07:21 AM
I am so touched by all the comments. God is a compassionate God and those that have Christ living in them and how it shows even through the internet as they wrote really moves me. Toben you are a good man. God is developing Christ like qualities in you that will be far reaching. His love for mankind is beyond words. I am praying your request as well as for Complete Healing for Joanne in His Name. Siesta from Bryan, Tx
Posted by: yanna westmoreland | February 13, 2011 at 07:40 AM
Dear Audrey,
As a mommy myself, I can confidently promise you that your momma is not concerned about the fight you had the night before her stroke. From the core of my being I can promise you that. You don't know me and this won't mean much, but I just had to say it. No matter what that argument was about and not matter what was said and what was done, your momma knows beyond all doubt that you love her and she knows that you are sorry for your part, and that she is sorry for hers. She knows that if you could erase that event, you would do it in a snap. Sounds like her thoughts are in there and that she is processing very well. She wants to be the momma. She wants to comfort you and she wants to encourage you in all the ways that you are wonderful. Sweet girl, don't worry about the yesterdays.... eat a little, be strong, and go into the tomorrows with faith, hope, love, strength and in God's power. James 1:12 "Blessed is the man (and young girl) who perseveres under trial, becasue when she has stood the test, she will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." Praying for you still!
Posted by: melissa irwin | February 13, 2011 at 10:28 AM
Praying for you & your girls...
Posted by: Leah C | February 13, 2011 at 12:40 PM
Toben,
You're a very VERY wise father. Audrey and Emma are blessed beyond words to have been gifted to you and Joanne by God.
One word I didn't see here, Grief. I sense there's a bit of that going on as well; though it's really hard to recognize when the person you're grieving is alive and basically sitting right near you.
You will have a "new normal", though it sounds as though Joanne is going to make it farther back more quickly than Richard has. You did a fabulous job explaining stress to Audrey. The grief thing though? And I'm not expecting less from God than a TOTAL healing for Joanne!, there IS grief right now. Grief for what was "normal" just a short time ago, in your life, and in their young lives. I was a Grief Counselor for 6 YEARS and didn't recognize the symptoms in myself, after we got home to our new normal.
NOT telling you how or what to feel, think, or say. Just that it took a long time before someone said to me, "What you're going through is the grieving process" and suddenly everything I was feeling made total sense.
In my prayers ALWAYS,
Amy
Posted by: Amy M. Fry | February 13, 2011 at 01:07 PM
I wish I could say something profound to make it all better and to give you comfort, but I really can't. All I can do is offer you my prayers and thoughts and to say that my heart aches for you all. Audrey is so blessed to have a Father like you that is so sensitive to her needs, and can communicate so well with her. That is so important to her, just to feel like she can talk about what is going on and that she is being heard. I will continue to pray for you, Joanne, Audrey and Emma. May God give you strength, courage and wisdom to deal with each new day that comes your way. Please give a big (((HUG))) to Joanne for me and tell her that I will always remember how encouraging she was to me through my blog.
Posted by: erin | February 13, 2011 at 03:45 PM
You have such a beautiful family! Your daughter helping her mom and your open communications with your daughters is amazing!
Posted by: tara | February 13, 2011 at 03:54 PM
Wow. So impressed with all that Audrey did for her mom. Simply amazing.
My family of 4 has been going through unemployment and living with in-laws for the last 7 months. It is nothing like what you all are going through but I do agree that trials such as these bring families closer. My 2 teen girls are doing without A LOT but they have stepped up and matured in ways we never dreamed. Audrey and Emma are sure to do the same.
Continued prayers for you all!
Posted by: Kellie | February 13, 2011 at 04:12 PM
You are such an amazingly in-tune and empathetic father. Joanne and the girls are so lucky to have you during this tough time.
Posted by: Dionna | February 13, 2011 at 05:16 PM
Praying for peace! His peace. Your family is on our hearts daily. We've never met, but we share so many things in common and God reminds us of you daily. As homeschooling parents, and parents who have loved each other most of our lives, as fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, as a family who has suffered severe sickness together... Our thoughts and prayers are with your family, Toben, Joanne, Audrey and Emma. They will continue to be!
Posted by: Kristi Walker | February 13, 2011 at 05:20 PM
While Praying for Audrey this morning re guilt the Lord reminded me of an illustration that has been a great help to me...turn the guilt into a tennis ball.. and throw it back to Jesus.
With love and Blessings
Posted by: Ruthy ;o) | February 14, 2011 at 08:01 AM