Got a call from Joanne at 3 a.m. asking me to come to the hospital. She was lonely and in pain in her hip, shoulder and head. So I got up and headed to the hospital and got here a little before 4. So we hung out, just holding hands until the sun came up. I tell you what, I am not really a morning person and getting up so early is painful! But if Joanne needs me, I'll come running. She's is eating breakfast and then her day of therapy will start. Joanne's mom should be here around 9 so I'll head home and get a shower and then come back to the hospital.
Wish we could keep her pain under control. She is on two different pain meds and they don't seem to be taking care of things. We are keeping a corn filled bag bag (that Holly made) heated in the microwave and one her shoulder and that seems to be helping her a little bit.
On to other things: thanks to everyone who has clicked the "give" button on Joanne's blog. The support has been overwhelming and will be of significant help in cover some of Joanne's medical bills. At this point it looks like her total bill will clear a million dollars! Can you believe that? Thank God for insurance, but there will still be a portion of that that we will have to pick up. I am literally blown away by what you all have done! Saying "thank you" doesn't really express my gratefulness. But thank you!
I am struggling with how I am parenting. Yesterday I saw the girls for a total of about 15 minutes. I got them dropped off at school and then got home about 8 p.m. Audrey was awake but Emma was already crashed out on the couch. I got her into bed and sat with her for a minute but she was out of it. I got to talk to Audrey very briefly while I ate dinner but it just doesn't feel like I am parenting. That bugs me. Problem is I don't know how to fix it. I need to be with Joanne as much as possible but I miss my little ladies.
Progress update: Despite her pain, Joanne is continuing to make forward strides. She is talking up a storm and doing well with her PT, OT and speech therapies. Can't imagine that it'll be very long before she heads to rehab. She is also on a solid food diet so that opens up a world of possibilities as far as what she can est. This afternoon Kristen F. is bringing Joanne Chic-fil-a for lunch! And Jaime has promised her a burger and fries one of these afternoons! The hospital food isn't bad, but it is a little...bland.
Joanne's spirits are pretty low these days. She is tired of the hospital and wants to go home. Unfortunately she has a lot more hospital time ahead of her. Not positive how much, but it could be a couple of months of rehab. Poor girl. She has so much work ahead of her. The best thing we can do is keep bringing that encouragement and pump her up, focusing her on the positives. She really has come so far! Need to keep her attention on that and not the discouragement of what she can't do.
Prayer requests:
1. Pray that we can get Joanne's pain meds figured out so that she isn't hurting so much.
2. I think we could all use a good night sleep, especially Joanne!
3. Pray that God would lift Joanne's spirits and that he would direct friends and family as to how to best help her.
Toben
Praying and believing for complete recovery!
Julie Hoagland - Seattle, WA
Posted by: julie Hoagland | March 01, 2011 at 08:27 AM
Hi Joanne! I wanted to stop in and say hello and let you know how much I love seeing your tweets and tell you how glad I am that you are better! I'm sorry that you are still in a lot of pain. I have had shoulder pain for 20 years now and I can relate to your comment about not giving up your arm! LOL! There are times that I wish I could take mine off and leave in a closet for the day. :-) Just keep your great sense of humor! Laughing is a really good medicine. Hang in there girl! I'm praying for ya all the time!
Posted by: Beth | March 01, 2011 at 08:30 AM
Sending a little pkg. today. Hopefully it will help to remind Joanne how special she is to God. That He alone is her Healer!
Lifting you ALL up... relief for Joanne's pain, God's peace and rest for the whole family.
Posted by: Kellie | March 01, 2011 at 08:49 AM
Good morning Joanne, Praying for you today. Praying that His joy and comfort will surround you. Sincerely, Jane
Posted by: Jane | March 01, 2011 at 09:08 AM
I know I am just a Siesta from Bryan, Tx with no connection to anything personal...so I feel sorta dumb posting a suggestion. As I read your post Toben the thought crossed my mind is there anyone Joanne can minster to there or serve? She is obviously a giving, doing, praying person. I know I tend to feel pain when I'm bored and ready to feel better, but give me a distraction and I feel better for a time. I could just see her holding a child's hand....
Posted by: yanna westmoreland | March 01, 2011 at 09:13 AM
Praying for that encouragement to come in droves in many ways. You are such an inspiration Joanne. Keep it up girl! Praying for unexpected blessings to come when you need them most.
Posted by: Amy T | March 01, 2011 at 09:14 AM
I feel the sadness in this post!
Praying Galatians 5:25
"Since we live by the Spirit,
Let us keep In step with the Spirit!"
Praying for God to fill you up with His Holy Spirit and keep you pain free.
My memory verse for today is
Philemon 7
"Your Love has given me great Joy and encouragement, because you, brother, have refreshed the hearts of the saints."
Praying you ALL will feel refreshed by His Spirit!!
Thank you Lord!
Posted by: Colette | March 01, 2011 at 09:15 AM
She can do this! The Great Physician is healing her <3 I'll keep praying!
Love, Mere
Posted by: Mere | March 01, 2011 at 09:19 AM
If it would help I would fly from St. Louis and be with Joanne in the middle of the night when she is in pain. Praying for your entire family.....
Posted by: Janet Cline | March 01, 2011 at 09:22 AM
Toben,
In so many ways I probably have no business saying this, but I really feel compelled to and I just truly hope and pray that you understand that it comes from a place of deep caring and love and not from a place of judgement.
I think you need to try to spend more time with the girls. I know that if you could, you would split yourself in half.. I know that it feels like an impossible choice. But they've, for all intents and purposes, lost the PRESENCE of their mom at home for now, they are in a new school and with you gone, they've lost their dad's presence as well. That's their whole world. You're spending some time with J and I have no doubt that people would be glad to sign up to be with her during a couple of hours each evening so that you could be at home with the girls. She can understand that in a way that they just simply cannot grasp.
I feel awful writing this and I hope so much not to increase your burden or your guilt. But I really felt that I needed to say it to you. Those little girls need you desperately right now.
With great love-
Leeann
Posted by: Leeann | March 01, 2011 at 09:34 AM
Pain is so much worse in the dark and when alone with no distraction. Is there anything at all in the way of a "project" that Joanne could be responsible for? Maybe a prayer bead chain, with a bead representing each family member and special friend or cause and her "mission" is to pray (say each person's name) while she fingers through a variety of textured and sized beads.
She needs something to do with a purpose.
And it needs to be able to be accomplished right now with one hand. Hmmm. I will pray for your wisdom and the wisdom of her therapists to discover what this project, or projects, might be. Can you imagine if she couldn't text, if she was trapped with the need and no way to let you know? Praise for Joanne's ability to look after her needs in this way, this is alone miracle.
Toben, you need to make your needs a priority too. Not only are you allowed to, but for Joanne's sake, you need to. It is the worst kind of family crisis when the partner ends up sick as a result of burning out.
The cost of medical care is the dirty little secret that most folks don't have the courage to speak about and I so appreciate your honesty in letting folks know. These are real numbers, and I think a million dollars is probably conservative. And the 20% that is often the deductible may not sound like much till the numbers get crunched and suddenly that is 200,000 you need. I will keep praying that insurance is as co-operative as possible. Praise for the givers, the need is truly astronomical.
Posted by: merlin | March 01, 2011 at 09:53 AM
Dear Toben, I will be praying that God will give you wisdom on how to balance your time, and His divine power to do all He wants you to do. May the Holy Spirit lift you up. He is with you!
"So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10)
Posted by: Karene | March 01, 2011 at 09:56 AM
Hi Toben,
I agree with Leeann that you do need to spend more time with your girls. I am sure that if you asked Joanne she would agree. I am speaking from a mom's point of view and if I was in this position, although I would really want my husband by my side I would want more for him to be with the kids. I home school and I know Joanne did too I am sure she is concerned for her precious daughters.
Praying and praying for complete recovery and soon.
Blessings,
<><
Posted by: Child of God | March 01, 2011 at 10:46 AM
Prayers are continuing for Joanne and for you and the girls. I mean, let's face it, your whole life exploded on the day Joanne had her stroke. Now while Joanne works to recover, you all need to find a new normal. I will pray for that too.
Blessings.
Posted by: Maribeth | March 01, 2011 at 10:50 AM
Toben you are truly a God filled man. Feeling guilty and torn are many things you will go through. I remember when my husband had his liver transplant 7 years ago and our boys were 6 and 4 how I felt so torn on where to be. God will lead you and take care of you. Your world right now is in turmoil. I see a really good book in your future. Take it easy on yourself, don't beat yourself up. You should be an inspiration to all fathers out there and husbands. You are dong much better than I think I could do. God is blessing you through this trying time. Were praying hard for you. Maybe fill a MP3 player with your voice and prayers for Joanne when she is scared and hurting at night. This may soothe you until you can come in the morning. Praying for you all. When your precious girls grow up and are looking for a husband, what wonderful standards they are going to have, knowing how their husband should treat their wives.
Posted by: Bob and Wendi Davis | March 01, 2011 at 10:52 AM
Thank you Toben for "full disclosure" which you always write from a heart of love. I will keep praying, especially in my own wakeful spells.
I really like Merlin's comments!
I empathize with your dilemma in spreading yourself to all your "girls." I had the same conflict when my mom's health suddenly failed but that ordeal only lasted 11 days and nights. As you've mentioned, you're in a marathon. Lord, please comfort, strengthen and encourage Toben.
On a practical note, you mentioned a microwaved corn bag to comfort Joanne's sore shoulder. My idea might work even better because the grains are smaller. I learned about this from a physical therapist 15 years ago when the mayor of Seattle was Norm Rice. Thus, my heating pad is named "Norm." Simply put 5# of brown rice in a zippered pillow case, cover it with one or more extra cases for laundering and microwave for 3 minutes. Shake the rice around a little to make sure it's the right temperature. The heat is very soothing and lasts a long time. The same "Norm" can be nuked hundreds of times. It just gets a little more dried out over time but it's just as effective.
Someone could sew a bag for you but you can get started right away with any old pillow case tied shut with a string! I can't recommend my friend "Norm" highly enough.
May you all feel the Lord's embrace.
The eternal God is your refuge,
and underneath are the everlasting arms.
Deuteronomy 33:27
Posted by: Michal | March 01, 2011 at 11:25 AM
Thank You for being so REAL... the song just came to mind for you... by Don Francisco No matter what may happen Child I'LL NEVER LET GO OF YOUR HAND.
Lots o Love n Prayers
Posted by: Ruthy :o) | March 01, 2011 at 11:29 AM
If I may make a suggestion/comment: I was in a bad car accident several years ago and was having pain that was not relieved by regular pain medication. The doctors prescribed a pill for nerve pain (neurontin). This might help Joanne. I know that being in pain is very frustrating, especially when nothing seems to work to take it away. Continually pray for your family:
Posted by: Betsy Negley | March 01, 2011 at 11:46 AM
The other pain suggestion I have is a pain patch. My sister is on one and it is wonderful. take care you are doing good.
Posted by: Sharon O | March 01, 2011 at 12:01 PM
I've been following your journey and praying since the beginning after hearing about Joanne from a friend in Colorado. I recently came across an article (link below)
about the power of pictures of loved ones to reduce pain and it made me think of you.
Maybe adding a big picture of you, Toben, to Joanne's bedside along with all the other lovely & inspiring decorations would help Joanne find comfort when she is hurting? I'm not a morning person either (ugh) so figured it might be worth trying something different that is easy to help you both get more rest & relief without driving in the middle of the night.
http://www.photography-news.com/2011/02/looking-at-partners-photo-reduces-pain.html
I'll continue to celebrate your victories, big & small, and pray for you during the low points!
Posted by: Kristi | March 01, 2011 at 12:57 PM
God did not make us to carry burdens. ...when He said we are like sheep..note that sheep do NOT carry packs. I pray that you can give Jesus your burdens and lighten your load. Praying for complete healing!....praying for complete joy!
Love from Atlanta...
Posted by: Rachel Pate | March 01, 2011 at 01:07 PM
Praying for encouragement for Joanne. That's tough being in a hospital for long periods of time (my sis in law was in the hospital for 10 wks on bed rest with her twins-they are healthy 3 year olds now-Praise God!) and it can get lonely and discouraging. But on the upside, when she gets into the rehab hospital they'll have her so busy the time will fly by (my sis is a PT and says they work you hard and patients are often busy with all sorts of stuff to do) I'm praying that God will give you wisdom on how to balance time with your kids and precious wife. James 1:5 says that if we ask God for wisdom, He'll give it to us and that's so comforting to me when I don't know what in the world to do.
Posted by: Carrie | March 01, 2011 at 01:25 PM
My brother recently had to take a job in Colorado, leaving his 2 children in Utah. When he called me on a low day of missing his family, this is what I told him: That God's ways are so different than ours, we can never really understand what's going on "behind what we can see scenes". That love is shown in so many ways. Sometimes, children can't understand perseverence until they "see" it. Sometimes, they can't understand what true love, as opposed to the world's "romantic" love, until they see it. Hard work very often can't really be understood, until you experience it.
Take comfort in knowing that while tradional parenting isn't where God has you right now, He is doing such powerful things in your children's lives. They are SEEING love, perseverance, and God's powerful work right there in front of them. I know (from very personal experience)that what you're dealing with is so hard. But, take heart...they are seeing what a husband truly is.
One day, they'll choose their own husbands...and they wouldn't have one that isn't just like their daddy. They'll pick men who have characteristics like you, Toben; through good times and bad, through sickness and health. Men who love God, and their family, with all their heart. They will never forget a daddy, and husband, who hates mornings, but willingly crawls out of bed to hold hands with his girl because she is lonely away from him and home!
Praying daily for Joanne and each of you!
Family in Christ, Kristi
Posted by: Kristi Walker | March 01, 2011 at 02:03 PM
You are showing such dedication and courage, Toben. It must be so difficult to balance being a husband and being a father at this time. Don't beat yourself up about it.
I hope Joanne's pain will soon go and that she will get the comfort of release from that and the strength that will come from full night's sleep.
Best wishes to you all.
Lynn
Posted by: Penbleth | March 01, 2011 at 02:44 PM
Toben, you don't need tons of advice on how to parent or father your girls. Please remember that when you love and care for their mother, you are parenting at the same time. They will never forget how you cared for their mother. I envy their future husbands because of the model you have been. Kids are resilient.
Posted by: Max | March 01, 2011 at 02:51 PM
Praying for all of you - wow - amazing this path you're on!
My heart goes out to Joanne, being so ready to leave the hospital. I will certainly pray regarding that. I was in the hospital about 3 years ago for 2 nights and I was so very homesick and so very ready to go home. This has become a marathon, isn't it?
Thank all of you for all of your posts. Thank you for sharing your story.
Posted by: Elizabeth Rhodes | March 01, 2011 at 02:59 PM
Toben,
The handbook on how to be married to someone who has suffered a stroke has already been written - it's in the Bible. Be like Jesus - no matter what moment you are in, be in that moment and no where else. It's hard, and I'm working hard at it, too. The girls see you loving Joanne with the love of Jesus. And they see you loving them. And you will look back on this time one day and think, "Wow, that was pretty tough, but we made it through."
If Joanne needs to call me, she can give me a call. I'm on EST. My cell is 919-924-9622. I can't be there, but I can certainly wake up and carry on a conversation so that you can get some sleep.
Peace,
Kim Feth
Apex, NC
Posted by: Kim Feth | March 01, 2011 at 03:54 PM
Toben - you are a remarkable husband and dad. Don't beat yourself up. I agree with the person that told you when you are there with Joanne you ARE parenting your kids. The best thing any dad can do for his kids is love their mother!! You have a wonderful support system - with grandparents and their Aunt Kristen to help pick up the slack with the girls. Kids Emma & Audrey's ages are remarkably resiliant - much more so than we give them credit. Praying for the Holy Spirit's stength and power in your life and healing in Joanne's.
Posted by: Beverly Wooley | March 01, 2011 at 04:41 PM
Some ideas about shoulder pain...ignore if you want...
Might want to try an ice massage on her shoulder. Freeze a cup of water (paper or styro foam cup) and then rip/cut off part of the top and massage it on her shoulder for five minutes.
Could a massage therapist come and work on her?
Just some thoughts....again to want to give "advice" but just wanted to share. Praying for Joanne's spirits.
Posted by: Kimberly | March 01, 2011 at 04:56 PM
Love the picture of you two holding hands in the quiet of the early morning. It's a tangile picture of the marriage covenant in action! I am thinking that Joanne is recoving so quickly that she is also coming into a realization of her situation like waves of reality. Her mind is working faster than her body, and her body is recovering at a miraculous speed.
Fear, anxiety, a sense of loss about her life before the stroke are natural thoughts for her. Toben you, and the family, have had more time to adjust to these ideas while you waited for her to wake up.
I hope that she is expressing some of her thinking now that she is able to talk more.
Praying about all of these things. We are Body, Soul and Spirit and the Lord is waking her up in each of these areas.
Thank you for your post and the picture of love and intimacy that is transcending this challenging season. How beautiful.
Kathy in Idaho.
Posted by: Kathy Rivera | March 01, 2011 at 05:17 PM
Toben and Joanne - I'm praying for you both and for your daughters. Our loving Father will see all of you through this season. In Christ - Paige.
Posted by: Paige Szajnuk | March 01, 2011 at 05:45 PM
I've been following since the beginning and have never commented before but I really feel lead to. I had a mom who was in ICU for 8 weeks and would be up there all the time, consumed with her and her care. But I got to a point and realized that I needed to do as much as I can, but trust the Lord with her care and be up there as much as possible, but I needed to take care of myself and family. Maybe two nights a week say I am going to go home early, go to the hospital and then spend quality time with my girls, and go to bed. Just trust God, the nurses and doctors will take care of her, but most importantly the Lord will. You have a long road to go and need to pace yourself. PLEASE know that this is said in complete love. I have prayed for Joanne and for you. I have sat in the hospital and seen horrible things happen to a loved one and their is NOTHING like it, sooooooooooo scary and you feel like you have no control, but our mighty God is in control, He will restore her and she will be a walking testimony to His love and amazing power. You are doing an amazing job, you are an amazing husband and daddy and God is with you every step of the way!
Posted by: Allison | March 01, 2011 at 07:01 PM
Toben, I know you must be exhausted. But I think years from now, you will never regret the time you have spent with Joanne. This is not a forever situation. Your children need you to be there for their mom. Please try and avoid feeling any guilt over this. This is just what you HAVE to do, for this season of your life.
Posted by: Melana | March 01, 2011 at 10:44 PM
at times like this...there is not much to say...there are tears in my eyes for the stress all of you are feeling...sleepless nights, pain, torn and unbalanced...all of you wanting all of you to be at home again...
May the God of all comfort, comfort you. And may the God of wisdom give you direction in each moment of how to spend your time.
Peace to all of you.
Posted by: Kathleen Jaeger | March 01, 2011 at 10:52 PM
That you are even talking about Joanne eating solid foods.....talking.....being present. What a miracle!
Praying for you, for the girls. Praying for J's recovery. May God give you all comfort. Take care of one another.
Posted by: AndreaW | March 01, 2011 at 11:05 PM
I have been following your story since it was posted on Beth Moore's Blog and have been praying for your family. I am a social worker at a hospital and have seen your story many times. People will have many heartfelt suggestions in the way they feel is best for you to handle your situation. Trust in the Lord. He will place you where he wants you to be. Your children have a Heavenly Father who knows what they need and will be their provider. The Lord is their refuge and strength. Your children are witnessing Faith, Hope, and Love. When you love their mother, you are loving them. Most children are missing this act of love in their lives. God has everything under control. Blessings from Iowa.
Posted by: Lisa | March 01, 2011 at 11:12 PM
Hi Joanne. I am Nicki from Sydney Australia, my friend Nicky who is also living here has also commented this blog. We talk about you often and give each other updates. I am a friend of Marla's through Facebook and blogging.
Just wanted you to know that we are praying for you on the other side of the world and eagerly reading and following your story. What a blessing to be able to pray to our great God on each others behalf, no matter where in the world we are God hears us!!
Much love and prays from Down Under!!
Posted by: Nicki | March 02, 2011 at 01:22 AM
Hi Joanne and Family,
So glad to hear you are improving so much each and every day. God is good and is blessing you each day. I hadn't read your blog until I found out about your illness. I am encouraged everyday as I read about you and your families courage. Keep up the good work and I am moved each day by all of your strength!
God Bless each of you!!!
Jamie
Posted by: Jamie Foreman | March 02, 2011 at 06:58 AM
Love you guys! Praying for all four of you!
Posted by: Marla Taviano | March 02, 2011 at 07:05 AM