A year ago today, January 16, we almost lost Joanne. Her inter-cranial pressure was through the roof and her brain wash literally "smooshing" itself. I have been up most of the night flashing back to that day, what we talked about as a family, about our prayers and the hours we sat at Joanne's bedside willing her ICP numbers to come down. I know I have never been so afraid in all my life. And for some reason that fear visited me again last night. I was gripped by it.
I have not spent a lot of time looking backwards. Nor do I spend a lot of time looking very far forwards. I do pretty well at staying in the moment, focusing on "today" and what we need to do to make it through. That is enough. But for whatever reason this day has taken me back a year.
I want to think ahead. I remember one of the things that Joanne and I used to do a lot was dream for the future. We would talk about what we wanted to do and where we wanted to go. We talked about the girl's future and what we hoped for them. And it was always good, encouraging and exciting to have these talks. We don't really have them any more. Our hope is that we make it successfully through another day.
However on the drive back from Winter Park yesterday we did a little dreaming. Joanne wants a vacation. We talked about where we might go and what we might do and how we would pull it off. At this point Joanne can't spend too much time in the car before she really starts to feel a lot of pain and traveling on a plane would be a nightmare--I just have visions of TSA patting down Joanne! Besides that, sitting on a plane wouldn't be much better than sitting in the car. And Joanne hates to fly anyhow.
But that's not the point. The point is that it was really fun to look forward a little ways, to dream a little. I think we need to do more of that.
As far as looking back goes, it is all divided into two groups for me: hospital and home. Joanne was in the hospital from January 11 to May 15. So those are the "hospital days." Then there is after-hospital. The hospital days were the hardest for us. I remember snapshots from each of the three facilities that Joanne was in. I will not go into that much, but I have distinct mental picture's from each one; an image or two that are burned into me.
Being home is always better. There have still been plenty of challenges, lots of hurdles and lots of hard work on Joanne's part. But at least we are under our own roof and life has become a new kind of normal.
Last thing: We couldn't have survived this last year with our friends and family. There is not enough space to express the gratitude that I have. I will single out Gran and Papa for a minute here: their presence, support and hard work has saved the day. Without them we would be up a creek without a paddle. And there are my folks and the love that they have poured out on us. And there are special friends (I won't name names but you know who you are) who have been with us from that first day in the hospital and continue to walk with us. And then there are the countless other friends who have been the source of so much prayer and encouragement. The cards, calls, text messages, emails, and facebook posts have been overwhelming.
So here is hoping that the daylight will dissipate the fear and that I will focus on the fact that Joanne is still here (!) and not the fact that she almost wasn't.
Prayer requests:
1. Joanne has a cold. We have worked very hard to keep her germ free since she has been home and we have done a pretty good job of it. But somehow she picked up a bug. She has literally gone through two boxes of tissues in the last 24 hours. Please pray that she will start to feel better.
2. We are waiting to hear from insurance on what OT and PT will be available for us in the coming weeks. We are at the end of our time with the current team (who we love) and are waiting to hear from Kaiser as to whether or not we can continue on. Please pray that they would show favor.
3. Strength, strength, strength!
Toben
I am always praying, Toben. When life seems to much to go on. God is still there. And remember Phil. 4:13, "I can do all things through Him who gives me strength." Don't give up, He is there. Blessings :)
Posted by: Maribeth | January 16, 2012 at 08:01 AM
wow...one year...what a journey you all have been on...I say this to the Glory of God...to see He is faithful...never leaves or forsakes...since that day...God has given me daily prayers for your family...I have never met you and only started reading Joanne blog right before this happened...but God transcends time, space ...His body is His body and I am sure I am but one of many"strangers" that continue to pray for you all. I will continue to pray as God gives me His Spirit to do so...
Blessings to you all....
Posted by: r.elliott | January 16, 2012 at 08:02 AM
Toben - God is good. It's no accident that my facebook post this morning (before I read this blog) was about fear. Papa
Posted by: Chuck Friedenstein | January 16, 2012 at 09:55 AM
Hi Toben and Joanne,
I remember when the prayer request came in. Such urgency. I have been walking with you from afar, praying and praying, interceding for your precious wife and family. How far God has brought you all is just a miracle. :) Praise His name forever and ever.
Staying in the present is a good idea for that is what God tells us to do, and He is never wrong.
I will be continuing to pray for you all and hope that you will be able to take a vacation soon.
Lifting you up often.
<><
Posted by: Child of God | January 16, 2012 at 10:05 AM
Oh glorious turn-around of a gracious and wonderful GOD! Praise! Praise! Praise! Thank you, Jesus, for our Lazarus. She is a bright light in all of our lives. Love you, Joanne!!
Posted by: Holly Smith | January 16, 2012 at 10:32 AM
Sitting on the other side of the world, reading your words and praying that Our Heavenly Father will continue to give you strength for each day, and help you to not look too far ahead down the path. Praying that you will find joy as you trust in Him.
God bless you and your whole family -- including your marvelous support team.
Posted by: Susan | January 16, 2012 at 11:19 AM
Have followed your journey since day #1. Still don't "know" you face to face, but know your heart and spirit, Joanne. Your courage and endurance have been a beacon of light to many of us. Your ability to carry on despite tremendous obstacles has become a witness to the power of prayer, a kind word and deed, and the necessity of brutal honesty at times when we are at our lowest. You have honored God and your family by sharing your moments of joy and your moments of despair! They are all a part of the journey, aren't they?
Blessings.
Posted by: Lynn | January 16, 2012 at 11:38 AM
You all have inspired me for some 3 or 4 years now. I know your road is hard but great will be your reward in heaven. Since I doubt our paths will ever meet (Oh vs. Co), I look forward to meeting you both in heaven...a long time from now :) Never give up!
Posted by: Adri | January 16, 2012 at 12:49 PM
Praying without ceasing for a total recovery that amazes and stumps everyone. And now praying for strength, the family, and a vacation. What about travel by train and you could get one of those sleeper cars so that Joanne could stretch out?
Peace,
Kim Feth
Apex, NC
Posted by: Kim Feth | January 16, 2012 at 01:46 PM
Thank you God for granting Joanne more time here with her husband and girls, and her friends.
Toben and Joanne, you know more than I right now that we serve a BIG God whom is MIGHTY and in that I believe is the freedom to dream BIG. If our dreams come about, they might not be exactly as we dreamed them to be, but when we are reunited with God in Heaven, it's gonna be amazing and that is a good dream to look forward to.
Keep on dreaming!
Posted by: Jennifer | January 16, 2012 at 05:14 PM
What a year. I am so thankful Joanne is HERE. Keep dreaming for the future, because God loves you immensely and He is Good. : )
with MUCH love,
lisa c
Posted by: blessed | January 16, 2012 at 06:01 PM
I answered a prayer request last January for prayers for Joanne. And I've been praying for you all since.
God Bless all of your family. And prayers will continue to come from our family here in Australia for you all.
Michelle x
Posted by: Michelle Lawson | January 16, 2012 at 06:47 PM
p.s. As you live no where near a cruise port (I think? Being Australian, American geography isn't my forte!!), this might be a useless idea. But what about a cruise?
We have TWO kids with special needs. And they are both very different in their needs, abilities and what they can cope with. Cruising for us is one lot of unpacking, no food to worry about, they can be as involved or not as they want with kids club, the scenery changes daily. And I feel like I get a break.
I am a holiday-a-holic. I need my next adventure to look forward to. I can understand how Joanne feels with needing a vacation to look forward.
God Bless you all.
M x
Posted by: Michelle Lawson | January 16, 2012 at 06:50 PM
Look at how far Joanne has come in a year and how far down the road you all will be this year. A vacation sounds like a wonderful idea!
Posted by: Janet Cline | January 16, 2012 at 07:30 PM
"Accidentally" ran into your blog many months ago. God has kept you on my mind as I've prayed that He would become more real to you than you ever imaginged. Will continue to pray for a complete, miraculous healing.
Posted by: Christy Youngblood | January 16, 2012 at 08:05 PM
Joanne,
You've never met me and I've never met you but I was praying my heart out for you last year when your ICP numbers were through the roof. God wouldn't let this burden rise until I had prayed and prayed. And I remember exactly where I was also when the prayers started. I know it's been a long journey. You've worked harder than you probably ever thought you could and you've made it! Today is a day to rejoice in! May God continue to strengthen and heal you today.
Posted by: Sandi in MN | January 16, 2012 at 09:28 PM
Love you guys so much. It hurts my heart whenever you're hurting, and I wish so badly I could take some of the pain on myself. Continuing to lift you in prayer and trusting God has a beautiful plan for your family that includes healing and rest and fabulous dreams for the future!
Posted by: Marla Taviano | January 17, 2012 at 06:58 AM
Continuing to pray. Will pray specifically about a vacation. If anybody ever needed one, it's your family.
Posted by: Karen Booker Schelhaas | January 17, 2012 at 08:34 AM
That day,Angela posted on Facebook asking for prayer for a friend in surgery. When I posted back- "Praying"- she told me it was you. I read your story, old posts on your beautiful blog. God used all of it to work on some things in me that NEEDED work. Your ability to communicate heart feelings and truths, your honesty and courage have blessed me this year. It is a privilege to be able to pray with you for strength and healing. God will continue to do His work in you for His glory, and I'm so interested to see how you get a vacation :-) Thank you for all you share.
Posted by: Julie Powell | January 17, 2012 at 09:12 AM
Wow. So, so thankful with you for God's goodness this year. Praying for continued healing--and just peace as you remember such hard days. -Janel Breitenstein
Posted by: Jb2 2000 | January 18, 2012 at 01:27 PM
Continuing to pray and hope Joanne cold is better.
Posted by: unityfalls | January 22, 2012 at 11:19 AM
I agree with the Australian sister, a cruise would be wonderful, and we live right near 2 cruiseports, in L.A,(San Pedro)and in Long Beach Harbor. If you ever want to cruise from here, we would love to host you in our home and help you get to the Cruiseship! Just wish we were millionaires and able to pay for a cruise for you! You and your family are all "bright lights," shining for Jesus! Look how far you have all come in a year. Amazing...just amazing grace. I am also lifting up your therapist "D" and the tragedy with her dear sister. May she be blessed to walk in the power and comfort that only God can bring in a devasting season in their lives.
Lovingly,
A So. Cal "Siesta",
Pam Houston
Blessings
Lovingly,
Posted by: Pam Houston | January 23, 2012 at 07:28 AM
Toben and Joanne,
I haven't checked in for awhile but you have been on my mind lately. I continue to lift you and the girls up in my prayers and appreciate the blog updates that you have provided. I just want to let you know that you have been a source of inspiration and encouragement for me.
God Bless,
Brian Elder
Westerville, Ohio
Posted by: Brian Elder | January 25, 2012 at 10:18 AM