Raising Girls Part 2 (Toben)

On one of my last posts I talked a lot about Audrey. Well now it's Emma's turn. What can I say about Emma? First and foremost I would talk about her resiliency. Emma is the one who found Joanne on the basement floor after Joanne had her stroke. I can't imagine what she went through in seeing that and experiencing all the fear and chaos that comes from having fireman, paramedics and policemen in your house, all while your dad isn't home! Luckily Gran was with them very shortly after Emma found Joanne, But I still freak out a little thinking about what she must have done through in that compressed time.

And Emma was the last of the family to see Joanne after she went into the hospital. She spent a lot of time in the waiting room and her on-going response was, "I will wait to see mom when she is better." Well unfortunately Joanne was in for a long haul before she resembled anything like "better." But we gave her her time until Joanne was conscious enough to actually ask for Emma. At that point the rules changed and I had to let Emma know that like it or not, she needed to see her mom. 

I will never forget that first visit. Emma tried to be brave but was obviously freaked out. She only spent a few minutes with Joanne before she needed to get out of there. It was a very emotional experience for her as you can imagine.

But then something changed: Emma warmed up to her mom, she became very affectionate and really began to serve her. I'm not sure how to describe it other than to think that Emma knew that her mom needed her and that she was going to step into that role.

Now Emma is with her mom a good portion of every day. She continues to serve her. If Joanne needs a drink, Emma is the one who gets it for her. Emma cooks Joanne's breakfast almost every morning. If she needs chap-stick (to which Joanne is addicted) Emma will track some down for her. Mostly Emma just wants to be present with Joanne. THey sit and read together in bed every night. My heart almosts bursts!

Example: when Joanne had her achilles surgery she and I slept in the downstairs living room since Joanne couldn't negotiate the stairs. We slept there for two months...and so did Emma. She slept in the over-sized chair that sits in the corner of the living room. And after Joanne was able to go upstairs she still spent the night on the floor of our room because she felt safest there. Even now, Emma is likely to fall asleep on our floor before eventually finding her way to her own room to sleep.

Emma and Joanne are very close. They get each other. It is a symbiotic relationship: they bothneed each other.

I have always said that Emma has a "happy heart." Yes, sometimes she is a little terror and she has a temper and can only be pushed so far before she snaps back, but for the most part she is a happy kid. I worry a lot about Emma because she doesn't seem to have gone through a greif phase with Joanne's stroke. She has more or less taken it in stride and made the best of it. I wish I could say that for the rest of us! At 11 years old I am expecting that in the future she will have some issues to work through around the stroke, but for now she is my happy heart.

Prayer request:

Please pray that Emma's relationship with Joanne would remain strong and that when it is time for Emma to wrestle with what has happened that she will still draw near rather than isolate her self.

Toben

Comments

[Jan]

Toben this may be none of my business, and I mean no disrespect, but it may not hurt either of your girls to get a little bit of counseling to help them process some of these enormous changes that have happened in their lives. Couldn't hurt to try it. Hope everything works out the best for all of you.

[Toben]

Dear Jan,

We are pro-counseling! Both the girls have been in family systems counseling with Joanne and I and they have been in counseling at school, which they'll pick up again in a month. Audrey also sees a clinical psychologist once a month.

Toben

[Jennifer, Hawaii]

Will be praying for dear Emma also! What sort of breakfasts does she make for Joanne?

[Nike High Heels]

Good food for thought here. Thank you very much for the extensive explanation. Very nicely written. Really makes think.

[Brandi Luiz]

Toben,

I applaud all you have done as a family! You have been a blessing in the midst of the pain your family has gone through. I wonder if part of the "rebellion" of not wanting to see her Mom in the Hospital was part of her grieving process. Maybe then she was battling all those emotions of the changes to come in her Mom. Maybe?? God is still in control. He will guide them through. Continually praying for you, all of you.

[Gwen]

I have a daughter who doesn't deal easily with sickness, injury, hospitals, etc. In the crisis of the moment, she withdraws. Then she shows her concern & caring by doing things for the patient. Sounds like your sweet Emma. Different folks different responses. Isn't it wonderful how God uses all of us & our unique personalities to build a family that complements each other. I don't know who said this, but "...if we were all alike, some of us would be unnecessary." God bless you & yours!

[Toben]

Jennifer in Hawaii,

Emma makes her mom waffles and eggs most mornings but sometimes it's just yogurt and granola.

Brandi,

Emma not wanting to see her mom was a clear demonstration of her "will" to make things different. She wanted to be in control of an out-of-control situation. Eventually she had to jump in with both feet and she has been rock solid for Joanne ever since...although she still hates hospitals and doctor's offices1

Toben

[Sara G]

My 10 yr old daughter has been my helper when I have needed her and my stroke has brought us even closer, wasn't always that way. Within 2 or 3 days after, she came to the hospital and did not want to look at me or say anything. She gave me a card and cried. I don't remember what else but it was almost 4 months later that we got to visit at home. She had stayed with my mom in Florida while we were in Oklahoma. Now, she and well my husband too, follows me from room to room. It's been a tough journey the last 2 1/2 years. My daughter cheers even at the smallest progress and has given me courage. I don't like that she has had to see my cry and my frustrations at times but she hugs and cries with me.

As much as I like to think my daughter is strong I hope that she can work out her thoughts and talk with me or a counselor. Praying for you all and cheering along. I think of Joanne often.

[Heidi Carrico]

Wow, sounds like a sweet girl with a big, happy heart! Amazing how God can use situations like this to make a young girl such a servant. We know she will go far in life with that pesonality!
Toben, please dont worry so much about her not grieving Joanne's loss. Im one of those christian gals who believes in holding on tight to faith and believing God has a purpose for everything and looking at the positive side and moving forward. That your daughters still have their mother is probably what Emma is thankful for and cant change what has changed from the stroke. Continue encouraging and praising her for handling this well and dont try to make her grieve.
I have lost my hearing when I was 5 and as time when on and I longed to hear again, I remember telling my folks my longing. And Ill forever be grateful that they didnt weep or tell me they were mad about it too that I lost my hearing. Instead they smiled and told me God had a plan and encouraged me to be positive and make the best of what I had not LOST. Because of them never grieving alonside me, but instead smiling and telling me I still had so much to live for...Im thankful to say 32 years later...I couldnt be more content and joyful.
I dont mean to act like I know everything...but sometimes, like myself, it helped that others encouraged and complimented me on my positive attitude amid my loss and thats what kept me thriving in this silent life. Knowing others were watching how I handled things and were inspired. To God be the Glory! I know if Emma continues her happy heart and keeps her focus on God and remembers he has a plan...she will be more than just OK.:)
I cant tell you enough how inspired I am by your blog and following Joanne's journey. You hang in there, Toben....you are an amazing husband with an inspiring wife who I would love to hug and two beautiful girls who are so strong and will be ones to change the world. Keep on encouraging and complimenting them on their positive attitudes.... and let God take care of the rest!

God bless you, Toben!!!

Heidi C.

[Kim Feth]

Covering that one in prayer!
Peace,
Kim Feth
Apex, NC

[Fran Shea]

Toben, I started following your blog only days after the stroke because Beth Moore requested prayed in her blog. I have followed Joanne's journey often and continue to pray for you all. I love hearing about your girls too! What a blessing they are and how they've grown through this. I appreciate your candid and intimate descriptions of what is really going on with Joanne and the family. We are all blessed and are continuing to learn how God works a good work even in such difficult journeys!

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