I would like to think that I know something about girls. And I would like to think that I know a thing or two about parenting them. But I tell you what, it is one curveball after another, especially with Audrey, who turns 14 next month. Just when I feel like I can call the next pitch, something comes across the plate that I can't even begin to understand. Like how I stayed consistent with the baseball analogy? And I can't stand baseball! So let's talk about Audrey first.
Audrey is energetic, creative, outspoken, opinionated, fun, intense...I could go on and on. She is amazing to me! And she reminds me a lot of what I was like as a kid. She has a mohawk (with pink highlights), dresses crazy, has a few piercings, rides a skateboard, and likes all kinds of crazy music. That would have been a description of me at that age (minus the pink highlights). One of the main differences between us is that I don't think I was hit as hard by the hormones and I don't think I was aware/involved in much drama. Audrey is deep into both.
I think I mentioned this in another post, but last year I was really feeling a word from God to create safety for Audrey. With all that has happened with Joanne's stroke, it would be very easy for Audrey to feel un-safe. In fact I know that she has battled this--this feeling of un-safety. So I work incredibly hard to be safe for her. Maybe that makes me look like a less-than-strict parent, but I could care less about that. Safety first! Everything else that comes out of our relationships stems from that. I think Maslow would back me up on that one--safety is next on the list after physiological needs.
In taking that posture, I try to help her to rebel in safe ways. Yes, I could take exception to the pink mohawk instead of taking her to Toni&Guy to get it done right. I could have said no to the last piercing instead of taking her to our piercing guy Brian to get it done right--yes, we have a piercing guy. Joanne has had to have her nose redone three times becasue the ring has to come out for every MRI and surgery. I could tell Audrey that she looks weird when she thinks she is at the height of self-expressive fashion, but I hold my tongue.
And you know what? Audrey loves me and listens to me and she knows that beyond a shadow of a doubt that I love her and would lay down my very life for her. We go for rides together, just to run errands or something and we listen to music and talk...actually she mostly talks and I mostly listen, but I am always blessed by her talking to me at a mile-a-minute. Because at least she's talking! As long as I can keep her talking, I'm good. If she goes silent on me, I will worry.
One example: I have told Audrey that wherever she is, if she ever needs me to come get her, I would drop what I am doing and come running. If she was at my mom and dad's house and called to say she needs to come home, I drive down and get her. If she is in Winter Park with her Aunt and Uncle and needs me, I would gladly drive the hour and a half and go get her. If she was sleeping over with a friend and at midnight decided that she needs to come home, I'm all over that.
And the reason is simple: someday she is going to be in some situation where her very safety is at risk and I want her first and only thought to be CALL DAD! I will move Heaven and Earth to get to where she is as fast as I can possibly get there. But I have to let her know that's how I roll before that situation arises. If I blow her off and then expect that someday when she really is in trouble that she will call me, I am fooling myself. I want her to think first and foremost that I will be her safety.
Next post we'll talk about Emma!
Prayer request:
Please pray that Audrey would feel safe. And that beyond what we are able to offer her in this physical sphere, that she would derive a sense of safety from her heavenly father as well.
Toben
Praying for just that, Toben. Audrey is amazing and lovely. God has some great and awesome plans for your girl! I see some Joanne in her, too :) Love your family much!
Posted by: Holly Smith | July 23, 2012 at 01:07 PM
And don't neglect the fact that for a dad to have a great relationship with his daughter especially in the teen years will also help her protect her heart when it comes to dating and romance.
You're doing an amazing job!!
Miss you!
Posted by: mindi | July 23, 2012 at 04:09 PM
Thank you for this post - as a parent of young children (boy and girl), it is a great reminder of what is important!
Posted by: Colleen | July 23, 2012 at 05:33 PM
You are a wonderful dad. That is so very important it is everything to her right now. Just to know you are present and care for her is huge. You don't have to meet her every need. Just love her and let her know just like you are. I was grown when my mother had a massive stroke similar to Joanne's and mom was 69. My daughter and I had no one to lean on and even though grown we so needed that someone. Someone to say they'd be there and that it would be alright. Even if we knew good and well it wouldn't be. A safe place to fall is all we needed. We didn't have it and 12 years later we are much more afraid of life than we ever were before. Bless you for knowing how important you are.
Posted by: Rita | July 23, 2012 at 05:57 PM
Such a sweet post with insight I needed to hear... thanks!
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Posted by: Adidas Porsche Design | July 23, 2012 at 09:03 PM
Okay - I'm tearing up at your "call dad" description. I have a very close relationship with my Dad and that was always my first thought when I got into any sort of trouble. (Even into my college years.) I always had confidence that Dad would know what to do - he would be able to help me - or at the very least, he would listen when I needed to talk. Now that I'm grown up, I realize my Dad doesn't always have all the answers - but that my relationship with him reflects the relationship I have with my Heavenly Father - always there - always safe - always loving. I hope your influence on Audrey will also point her to her Heavenly Father - the one who HAS moved heaven and earth for her.
Posted by: Jean | July 24, 2012 at 05:56 AM
You are teaching wonderful lessons & setting great expectations for what a husband/father should be. She'll set her standards high and God will honor that.
Posted by: Gwen | July 24, 2012 at 06:37 AM
Toben, you are doing a great job! As a mom of a young adult daughter and son that managed to go through minor rebellions and come out whole on the other side, you are handling the minor things(hair/piercings) perfectly and focusing your attention on the major things (trust/security). Every girl is different, but you've probably got another year or two of the hormones all over the place,and one day being all grown up and the next day seeming like a young girl (I'm referencing some of the Walgreen's purchases lol). And you remember correctly, boys don't have nearly as much drama! :) Hang in there, continuing to pray for you all!
Posted by: Pam | July 24, 2012 at 05:19 PM
This is the relationship I have with my Dad -- and I think, now as an adult, it has helped me tremendously in making life decisions. I weigh the consequences, but know how to have safe fun too. ;-)
A very close member of my family was killed on September 11th - when I was 16. And both of my parents had to change up their parenting style from then on with myself & my 3 siblings. Sometimes trauma opens up the door for a more open, unexpected relationship...
Praying for you & your girls. You are never far from my mind!
Posted by: Kristen | July 24, 2012 at 05:23 PM
Speaking from a daughter with a father who would do the same to protect me, That is a wonderful thing you do for Audrey! Safety is certainly a MUST.
Will keep this in prayer!
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