I told Joanne if I ever wrote a book about our experiences post stroke I was going to call it , "At Joanne's Feet." There are a couple of reason's for this. One is that I spend a lot of time on my knees literally at her feet. She has an AFO (Ankle Foot Orthotic) that she needs to have put on and then her left shoe goes on over that. It's nothing she can do for herself. In fact it is a little like a wrestling match to get it on right and get the shoe over it from time to time. In the literally hundreds of times that I have put the AFO on I am starting to get a little better at it, but it's still a little tricky. So there I sit, on my knees grappling with this contraption and Joanne's left foot.
The AFO makes a ton of difference and there is no way she could walk without it. She is still on a cane, but the AFO keeps her from rolling her ankle. So about 4 times a day we go through the AFO on, AFO off procedure, where I am at Joanne's feet.
But the title also has other implications. Being at someone's feet is a learning posture, and I have a lot to learn every day about Joanne. Even 18 months in to her stroke, I am still finding things out about what she likes, doesn't like, what she wants to talk about and what she doesn't. I am learning how she desires to be treated. I am learning what gives her a good quality of life versus a poor quality of life. I am learning what brings her joy.
A few examples:
Joanne hates tacos. We have been married for almost 21 years and have eaten tacos at least twice a month during that time, but the other day when we were planning menus she said, "You know, I never really liked tacos." Wait a minute: all these years you have kept that to yourself? So now tacos are off the list.
Joanne loves to have her back scrubbed when she takes a shower. I use a loofa and have at it and she adores that, follow by a vigorous scrubbing with the towel when the shower is over. And she has to take her shower every night after dinner in order to sleep well. No exceptions.
Joanne loves big, gaudy rings. I think I had and idea that she liked rings but didn't know the extent. And the bigger and gaudier the better. She puts one on every day.
Joanne has very little concept of time. We have been learning so coping mechanisms, but it is hard for her to keep track of all the comings and goings and who will be where and when. Her iPhone has been a Godsend because we can the alarm on her phone to go off when anyone is away to ring at the time they are supposed to be home. The trick is to "beat the alarm" and get home before it goes off. If it goes off, it is a simple call to find out where one of us is and that puts her at ease.
Joanne loves to be read to. Both her dad and Emma have spent countless hours reading to her and she never gets tired of it.
Joanne hates the sound of her own voice and will avoid talking on the phone at almost all costs. She has a very monotone voice and very little volume control and she talks very slowly. So she is pretty sensitive to that. So I take most of her calls. There are a very few people she will talk to, but even then it is a stretch for her.
And the list goes on. I feel like I learn another little something every day. And I want to learn. I can improve Joanne's quality of life if I pay attention to what works and what doesn't. That's where the "at Joanne's feet" learning posture is so key. I hope that as they years go by I will always be at Joanne's feet, helping her in very practical ways, but learning from her as well.
Prayer request:
Please pray that I will keep my passion for serving Joanne in practical ways as long as learning from her on a daily basis. Pray that me heart remains tender towards this amazing woman and that I never get lazy in what I do and what I say.
Toben
Toben, this made me weep. AllI can say is Amen!
Posted by: Karen | August 09, 2012 at 08:00 AM
This is a really precious post. I will pray for your passion for serving her. I am sure it means the world to her that she has you and you serve her even in the little things and pay attn to the details (I think that's all any woman really wants!) :)
Posted by: Brynn | August 09, 2012 at 08:05 AM
What a wonderful prayer request, one that I'm sure God will be glad to answer...praying for you all!
Posted by: Jeanine | August 09, 2012 at 08:45 AM
I'm sure that Joann is also serving you, albeit differently than 'pre-stroke.' If you or she feel lead to share that perspective at some point, I think it would be a blessing to many.
Posted by: Christy | August 09, 2012 at 09:24 AM
Beautiful and Loving . . . so many husbands lack the passion for loving their wives. Joanne is very Blessed to have you Toben!
Posted by: JULIE | August 09, 2012 at 09:24 AM
I've been following Joanne since before you went to Arizona...each of your continued posts are showing your vulnerability and strengths.
My daughter has had seizures as a result of brain surgery (10 years ago); she is on three anti-seizure drugs. At almost 11 years old, she still has NO concept of time. THANK YOU for sharing how you strategically use the alarm on Joanne's phone - definitely something we can try here!!!
Remember to continue to pace yourself for the marathon - you're doing great so far!
Posted by: Kirsten in Chicago suburbia | August 09, 2012 at 11:49 AM
When I read "Joanne hates the sound of her own voice" it reminded me of Joyce Meyers. She has always had a deep voice for a woman, and hated it for years. But, now she is a hugely well known Bible teacher and her distinct voice helps you to recognize her anytime you hear it.
Posted by: Sharon | August 09, 2012 at 12:38 PM
I love you both and pray for you daily. Hugs, hugs, hugs!! Thank you for being such an inspiration.
Posted by: Marla Taviano | August 09, 2012 at 01:32 PM
What a sweet and loving post. I love to read your blog… love to read about how you thoughtfully engage all of the women in your life. You are such an inspiration of loving servitude and what it looks like to be a student of life. You study your daughters, celebrate their differences , and when you could easily grumble about the challenges you face each day, you see them as sweet opportunities. I've followed y'all since the day of Joanne's stroke and I marvel each time I read what a precious picture you all are of God's children. Thank you for sharing so openly and transparently and thank you for showing us how to love well.
Posted by: kimber | August 09, 2012 at 03:35 PM
I am overwhelmed by your example of love and grace Toben. Such an example of Christ. The way Jesus told us to love our wives.
Praying for you . . . hoping you take some "Toben" time along the way. Important to keep your cup filled so you can serve out of the overflow. . . Blessings . . .
Posted by: Maryellen | August 09, 2012 at 05:21 PM
I am in awe of you Toben and your posts. As a wife, I could only hope and pray that my husband would step up to the plate as you have. And I know he would theoretically - but to see it in action is an amazing thing. You are a blessing as a dad and a husband to your family. Thanks for sharing!
Posted by: Tiffany | August 09, 2012 at 08:08 PM
Great post...praying!
Posted by: Ali M. | August 09, 2012 at 10:15 PM
Praying for you as one stroke survivor caregiver to another. Each day we face new challenges on this journey but with the love and support of family, friends and our Heavenly Father all things are possible. It is a blessing to have the opportunity to walk beside our spouse on the stroke recovery path and serve them . After six and a half years I can honestly say I am still learning! You are indeed an inspiration and I am so thankful I was lead to your blog. As I read your past posts I remember oh so well being in those same moments and my heart goes out to you and your family. Each one of us in this role share the need for your prayer request today. May you be blessed with many more days at the feet of your dear Joanne.
Posted by: Deb Whitmore | August 10, 2012 at 06:53 AM
What a beautiful and loving family you are... still thinking of you and praying.
Posted by: julie | August 10, 2012 at 12:42 PM
I will definitely lift this prayer request up. And I will pray you be strengthen as you continue to be such a blessing to your wife.
Posted by: unityfalls | August 13, 2012 at 04:32 PM
You are truly a man of God!
Posted by: Terry Ewing | August 22, 2012 at 01:13 PM
May the joy of the Lord be your strength. I will too pray for your prayer request. Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desire of your heart. (Your request pleases Him)
Posted by: stephanie smith | August 22, 2012 at 06:59 PM
This is so sweet. an example of loving ur wife as Jesus loves d church.
Posted by: Dinali_Cooray | August 22, 2012 at 08:54 PM
I;m learning from you both. What an amazing love you two have.
Posted by: MT | August 23, 2012 at 11:03 AM
That's amazing about Joanne retaining French! :o)
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