Joanne Heim

Joanne's Perfect Day (Toben)

Over the last year, sometimes I will ask Joanne to describe her perfect day; as if God could restore her body and mind for 24 hours. It changes some every time I ask her depending on what's going on in her life at the present moment. I asked her again tonight and here's what she said:

1. I would wake up early and just walk around in my bare feet. At present Joanne wears and ankle-foot orthotic (AFO) that goes on under her running shoe on her left foot. It is cumbersome but it makes it possible for her to get around with a cain. But what it also means is that she hasn't been able to just jump out of bed and go or do and she pleases. She misses the feeling of her bare feet on carpet, and the hardwood floors, on the grass. So first things first--walk around barefoot.

2. I would go for a five mile run. This is always in Joanne's list. She loved to run in the cool of the morning. She would load her iPod with praise music and run and sing her heart out. I never saw her come back from a run without a smile on her face.

3. I would come home and read a book.

3.5 I would get to do my own haier and makeup, pick out my  own favorite outfit, accesorize and most importantly, wear cute shoes (preferably heels and the higher the better). Joanne basically has one outfit that we put her in every day. It is an outfit that she can manage on her own, it is modest, and it is lightweight and cool. But the only variety is today's color of t-shirt.

4. I would have friends over just to hang out. Joanne has always loved to have ladies in our home. She has hosted teas, Bible studies, knittign circles, book groups, etc. 

5. I would plan a meal, go grocery shopping. In the last year and a half Joanne has gone to the grocery store maybe 6 times. It is exhausting and overwhelming for her and she HATES to go. But she used to like it. So grocery shopping goes on the list.

6. Maybe I would  go on a little shopping spree with a couple of more friends. She LOVED to go to Anthroplogie and hasn't been in more than three times in the last 18 months. Great place to window shop.

7. Cook a meal and eat as a family. We used to be really good at this, but our meal routine has sort of dissolved since the stroke. We all sort of eat on our own schedule when we are hungry. The exception being that Joanne and I always eat together. The kids sort of drift in and out based on homework and whatever dinner they are preparing for themselves. Audrey is a vegetarian and the rest of us are not. Ergo, Audrey cooks for herself most nights.

8. I would take a long bath or shower (or both) unassisted. 

9. I would hang out with the girls until bedtime.

10. I would read a little more.

11. I would go to be with no pain. 

Pretty simple stuff but also profound to me. I look at this list and think, "There are things in there that we can do! That's great!" But the flipside isthat a lot of the most important things to Joanne she can't do at this point. Some of it is mental, some physical. On top of that, pain management is a huge factor. There are probably a few more of the above mentioned things that she could be involved in but she hurts all the time, day and night. I can't even begin to imagine what that's like.

Joanne, through a series of events, decided it was time to quit morphine. She has been on it almost continually for 18 months. And from what the doctor says, she is in massive withdrawls, just as if she was quitting Heroine or some other heavy narcotic. She has been feeling miserable. But the flip side is that she is mentally more alert by about 20%. But her pain is back. See, that's the devil in all of this. We can keep her out of pain and lethargic or we can allow her to experience some pain but be sharper. These are hard, hard choices to make. Withdrawls last about two weeks and she in on about day 10 so things are starting to get better. Just imagine having the worst flu ever and that is what withdrawls look like.

Back to the list. I have to read between the lines here. This list is a great learning opportunity for me. It reminds me to make sure that no matter what she has on, she can always accessorize (I think I have mentioned her love for big rings). I can have her friends visit more often. I can try to get her more focused time with each of the kids--that's a tough one and will get a post of it's own in the next few days. I can keep her involved in planning menues even if she can't do the shopping or much of the cooking.

I think the two most heartbreaking things for me are that she can't run her five miles everyday. She LOVED that and it got her off to the right start and returned her home very centered and ready to take on the day. The other is the cute shoes thing. I'll just say it: she has to wear ugly shoes. They are the only ones that will fit over the AFO. Joanne has a closet full of shoes, many of them come attached to a story of how, where, when and why she bought them. To have them sitting there in the closet is almost like taunting!

So it's now 2 a.m. and I think I better be wrapping up. I have to be up with audrey in 3 hours. 

Prayer Requests:

1. Please pray for a speedy end to Joanne's withdrawls. She has had nothing but broth, toast, applesauce adn ginger ale for 10 days. Yuck! Along with that, please pray that we would find the right combination of non-narcotic pain meds to keep her a little more comfortable

2. Please pray that God would continue to grant me the wisdom to read between the lines and to help Joanne get some "wins" in some of the things she misses or wishes she could still do.

Toben

Facebook Fast (Toben)

I have started a 30 day facebook fast. I realized how much time I actually spent on facebook and how little vital information there really is on there and I decided to take a break. At first I was just going to go whole-hog and delete my account but a couple people talked me in to taking a month off before doing that just to make sure it was the right decision. And here is the deal: It's hard! I want to look at facebook but so far I have been able to resist the temptation.  Funny how something like that can really get its hooks into you!

I try to not talk about myself too much in these posts. I know that mostly you want to hear about jOanne and the girls. But I have to tell you about my day yesterday. My birthday was on Thursday and it really wasn't a great day. I was pretty down about it. But my mom suggested that we do a birthday do-over on Saturday and that sounded good to me. So here's what happened:

My folks arrived at out house at 7a.m. with Krispy Kreme donuts. We had a nice cup of tea (coffee for my dad) and then he brought in this large box all wrapped up. They told me to open in at to my utter surprise it was a Ruger 10/22 takedown rifle chamber in .22 long rifle. It is the limited edition rifle--only 5000 made! I thought my dad might be getting me a .22 but this was OVER THE TOP. I was just blown away. This is something I will treasure the rest of my life. Crazy cool! Check it out here.

Then dad and I hit the road for Rocky Mountain National Park. It was a beautiful, cool morning and we zipped right up there. Got to the park at about 9:30 and grabbed the shuttle up to Glacier Gorge trail head. We decided to hike to Mills Lake (about 6.5 miles round trip. Initially we had talked about doing Lawn Lake but that's a 10+ mile hike and I am not quite in 10+ mile hike shape. SO we hike up to the lake and it is literally one of the prettiest hikes I have been on. Everything was so green and lush. The hike only had about 1000 foot elevation gain so it wasn't too bad. 

When we got to the lake I was blown away. It is spectacular! the mountains are all around and the water is crystal clear. I was kicking myself for not bringing my swim suit because I would have jumped in in a heartbeat and swam out to some of the rocks in the middle of the lake. Dad took some pictures and I watched the trout swim all around. This is definitely a hike that Emma will have to go on someday and she is our resident fisherman. She would have had a blast.

So we headed back down after about 45 minutes at the lake and caught the shuttle to the car. We headed into Estes Park to our favorite shop called Outdoor World. It's been there for as long as I can remember. They make small patches for each of the lakes in the park and Emma was missing one from her Lake Haiyaha hike last week with my dad. So we picked that up, hit McDonalds for a Diet Coke and got back on the road.

We scooted along until we hit Lyons becasue there was a bike race passing through town. We probably sat at a dead stop for half an hour but we were having a great conversation so it didn't matter much. Eventually we got rolling again and got home around 4:00.

The house smelled amazing! I had asked for Beef Bourginon for my birthday dinner and it was cooking away in the oven. I took a quick shower and then Dad, Emma and I headed to my gun shop (Douglas County Firearms) for get a small scope for my new rifle. I love the staff there and they had done a great job of keep my dad's rifle purchase for me a secret (he bought it from DCF). So we got a little inexpensive scope and raced hoe for dinner...which was awesome.

After we ate and the kitchen was clean mom and dad headed out and we got Joanne showered and ready for bed. I was totally wiped out from my fun day and feel asleep no problem.Had a great night sleep as was up early for my cup of tea this morning. All in all it was about as good a 24 hours as I have had in a very, very long time. 

I am going to the range to site in my rifle in a little bit then we will just hang out as a family for the day. Perfect!

Toben

Riding the Bus (Toben)

Audrey likes to ride the bus! I never in a million years would have though that she would like it, but apparently her experience riding the bus yesterday was highly successful. What a blessing that is. Our little neighborhood is about as far from Creek as anywhere else in the district. To get to the school takes about 20 minutes with traffic. I imagined many trips back and forth over the next year because I just assumed that she would want to get out of riding the bus at all costs. But she digs it so that's a bonus! Of course the last two out of three days she has overslept which has meant I need to drive her to school anyhow but still, the fact that she can at least ride one way is a huge help.

So far she is really liking school. She has commented the whereas at Denver Christian she really stood out with her hair and clothes, at Creek she fits right in. In one of her classes there is a kid with green hair and one with purple. Makes her bleached blond with pink striped mohawk look pretty mild! This is definitely a new world for her. On top of that she has dressed a lot more femininely and modestly over the last three days. Not sure where that is coming from but, we'll take it! I assumed that there would be many mornings where I would have to send her back upstairs for a "wardrobe adjustment." But so far she has looked great every day. 

And her attitude has been so positive. She definitely comes home tired but in a good mood. We give her her space when she comes in the door, but yesterday she sat in the family room with us for a good hour before heading off to do her own thing. Couldn't be more pleased with how she is doing.

Emma is adjusting so well too! It is definitely a switch for her to go between classes during the day, even if it is on a totally different scale from what Audrey experiences. I would say that there are about 100 kids in the middle school and half a dozen teachers that she rotates through on any given day. Seems pretty tame compared to Audrey's class of 845 students and 4000 students on campus total, but I keep reminding myself that this is still a big deal for Emma even if it is on a much smaller scale. But she seems to be doing really well too. She only has two classes with her BFF Hadley but at least they get to be together a few times a day.

I remember even three months ago how concerned I was about the girl's school situation, but God took care of it. He got them each in the right place for this season of life. Way to go God!

Joanne's been fighting the flu for the last few days. YUCK! Her comment, "I had a stroke. I should never, ever, ever have to be sick again!" Honestly this is the first cold/flu Joanne has had since her stroke, so 18 months without any illness is a pretty good deal. She seems to slowly be pulling out of it, but is still not at 100%. Hoping that she continues to improve over the next days. 

Maybe some of you remember my "top secret prayer" that I have talked about in previous blogs? When we almost lost Joanne I prayed two prayers and made one promise. The prayers were that God would leave Joanne with us here on Earth instead of taking her to heaven. My promise to him was that no matter what shape he chose to leave her in with us that I would devote my life to serving her. But my secret prayer was that she would still be able to read when it was all sorted out. Well God answered both those prayers. Joanne often hassles me that I didn't ask for more. After all I was on a roll! But my top secret reading prayer has been deeply meaningful. Joanne has a Kindle and she devours books. It is her escape and her solice. I am so glad God answered the secret prayer!

Prayer request:

1. PRAISE that school is going so well for the girls. Let's keep it going!

2. Please pray that Joanne would start to feel better and get over this crud.

Toben

All is Well (Toben)

Just a quick post to let you know that the girls both had a great day on Friday. Audrey was able to get her locker combo figured out and got to all her classes OK. She only had ten minutes in each class but she reports that she likes all her teachers and that French is definitely going to be her toughest subject--I think the teacher spoke French the whole time the class was there. 

Emma had a great hike with my dad and took some fantastic photos. She got home just in time for us to turn around and get her to DC to get her stuff put into her locker. We also got her homeroom assignment: Mrs. Gunnink! I LOVE her. I think Emma will really flourish in her class.

So everything is set for a good start to the school year on Monday!

This weekend we are doing as little as possible. Had some last minute school supplies to pick up for Audrey so I dropped her off at Target--she likes to shop solo. Joanne is a little under the weather so she has been taking it easy and is currently taking a nap (or at least she is attempting a nap. Emma is still in her PJ's and Audrey is making pasta. All is well with the world.

Toben

Calm Before the Storm (Toben)

Tomorrow it begins. Audrey has check-in at Creek. She will turn in a bunch of paperwork, get her schedule and locker number. We will probably walk the campus again just to get her a little more familiar. Then on Friday she has a full day on the campus for orientation. She will attend each of her classes for 10 minutes and generally get a sense of where to go and how to get around. They also do a lot of "welcome activities" with upper classmen, etc.. Then Monday it is show time!

Emma's process is a little more straightforward. She goes to "backpack night" on Friday to move into her locker. And that's about it. She is already so familiar with the teachers and students that her transition should be a pretty simple one. That's the benefit of having and older sibling--Audrey was able to answer all her questions about middle school. Of course some of those answers made Emma want to go to school and some of them didn't. But on the whole, I think she is ready to get back at it.

Where has the summer gone! I think that on a scale of 1-10 our summer was a 6.5. The girls got to do some fun things--Emma had lots of time with Joanne's folks, camping, river-floating, hiking and fishing. ALl stuff she loves to do. In fact she talked my dad into taking her on one last hike on Friday before she starts back to school.

And I think Audrey got to do a lot of what she wanted to do. There were some sleepovers, some trips to the mall, a little shopping, a couple of movies. But mostly she wanted to do crafts, hang out on-line and sleep; all things that she got to do in spades! I wish we could have arranged for a few more activities for Audrey but when you are 14 I don't think your idea of a good time is "arranged activities."

I have to say that the schedule has been pretty nice for Joanne and I. There have been very few early mornings, no breakfasts to make, to lunches to pack, no activities to drive to and from and no homework to help out with. It's been a very laid back summer for Joanne and I and I think we will miss it. But it'll be good to get back into the swing of things next week. I am especially excited to go to Creek football games! They are a contender for state every year and they have a real-deal stadium to watch from. We'll have to see how handicapped accessible it is but if we can swing it, we'll definitely be at a few big games this year.

I think that's about it. One season comes to a close and another opens up. Hoping for the best and expectant to see what comes next!

Prayer request:

Simple one--please pray that the girls both get off to a good start. A great first week of school will go a long way toward setting the tone for the rest of the year.

Toben

Back To School (Toben)

A week from yesterday the girls will return to school. Audrey will be headed off to Cherry Creek High School and Emma to Denver Christian Middle School. I can't believe it. When Audrey entered middle school I thought, "I'm not old enough to have a kid in middle school." So now I am really freaking out. High school? Are you kidding me?

Funny thing is that the girls couldn't be going to more different schools. Emma will be in a class of less than 30 students. The freshman class at Creek is about 900. But you know what? Each seems like it will be a good fit. 

Audrey is ready for a new adventure. She is nervous that she won't make friends and the idea of an 80 acre campus over four massive buildings is intimidating, but I think she is also excited. There are so many opportunities for her. I will post her courses when she gets them on Thursday.

Emma wants the comfort that comes from the familiar, and Denver Christian certainly is that for her. She will be in school with most of the kids that she was in fifth grade with, including her BFF Hadley. I think she is going to have an easy transition and a real feeling of safety at D.C..

I will post more as they get into the swing of things. We have some back to school shopping to do which my mom is going to take charge of (God bless that woman) and Audrey has check-in and orientation this week to get familiar with the school and classes before she starts on Monday.

Prayer requests:

1. Please pray for an easy transition for both girls.

2. Please pray for a friend for Audrey.

3. Pray that as Joanne and I settle into a new routine, minus the girls, that things would transition smoothly for us too. The girls are a big help around the house and with Joanne so it will be...different without them.

4. Praise! God has provided what each of our girls need for this upcoming year. Just a few months ago we were struggling trying to figure out what to do, but God opened doors for us to get the girls in the right spot. Thank you Jesus!

Toben

Dear All Of You (Joanne)

When I stop and think of how many of you have prayed for me over the last year and a half, I am floored! Thank you will never be enough. There is no way I could ever repay the favor. I am forever in your debt. And so every day I pray for you knowing you set aside your own requests and concerns to pray for me. And I pray that God will answer those things that you set aside because he knows what those things are even if you don't lift them up. 

If there is somethign specific I can pray for you, please let me know. It would be my joy.

Love you all,

Joanne

At Joanne's Feet (Toben)

I told Joanne if I ever wrote a book about our experiences post stroke I was going to call it , "At Joanne's Feet." There are a couple of reason's for this. One is that I spend a lot of time on my knees literally at her feet. She has an AFO (Ankle Foot Orthotic) that she needs to have put on and then her left shoe goes on over that. It's nothing she can do for herself. In fact it is a little like a wrestling match to get it on right and get the shoe over it from time to time. In the literally hundreds of times that I have put the AFO on I am starting to get a little better at it, but it's still a little tricky.  So there I sit, on my knees grappling with this contraption and Joanne's left foot. 

The AFO makes a ton of difference and there is no way she could walk without it. She is still on a cane, but the AFO keeps her from rolling her ankle. So about 4 times a day we go through the AFO on, AFO off procedure, where I am at Joanne's feet.

But the title also has other implications. Being at someone's feet is a learning posture, and I have a lot to learn every day about Joanne. Even 18 months in to her stroke, I am still finding things out about what she likes, doesn't like, what she wants to talk about and what she doesn't. I am learning how she desires to be treated. I am learning what gives her a good quality of life versus a poor quality of life. I am learning what brings her joy.

A few examples:

Joanne hates tacos. We have been married for almost 21 years and have eaten tacos at least twice a month during that time, but the other day when we were planning menus she said, "You know, I never really liked tacos." Wait a minute: all these years you have kept that to yourself? So now tacos are off the list.

Joanne loves to have her back scrubbed when she takes a shower. I use a loofa and have at it and she adores that, follow by a vigorous scrubbing with the towel when the shower is over. And she has to take her shower every night after dinner in order to sleep well. No exceptions.

Joanne loves big, gaudy rings. I think I had and idea that she liked rings but didn't know the extent. And the bigger and gaudier the better. She puts one on every day.

Joanne has very little concept of time. We have been learning so coping mechanisms, but it is hard for her to keep track of all the comings and goings and who will be where and when. Her iPhone has been a Godsend because we can the alarm on her phone to go off when anyone is away to ring at the time they are supposed to be home. The trick is to "beat the alarm" and get home before it goes off. If it goes off, it is a simple call to find out where one of us is and that puts her at ease.

Joanne loves to be read to. Both her dad and Emma have spent countless hours reading to her and she never gets tired of it.

Joanne hates the sound of her own voice and will avoid talking on the phone at almost all costs. She has a very monotone voice and very little volume control and she talks very slowly. So she is pretty sensitive to that. So I take most of her calls. There are a very few people she will talk to, but even then it is a stretch for her.

And the list goes on. I feel like I learn another little something every day. And I want to learn. I can improve Joanne's quality of life if I pay attention to what works and what doesn't. That's where the "at Joanne's feet" learning posture is so key. I hope that as they years go by I will always be at Joanne's feet, helping her in very practical ways, but learning from her as well.

Prayer request:

Please pray that I will keep my passion for serving Joanne in practical ways as long as learning from her on a daily basis. Pray that me heart remains tender towards this amazing woman and that I never get lazy in what I do and what I say.

Toben

On Being a Dad (Toben)

I love it. There is nothing I would rather be, nothing I would rather have define me then that fact that I am a husband and father. We have lots of things that define us, and for our family, some of those have been stripped away since Jo's stroke, but the important ones for me at least remain: husband and father.

I am in the mood to talk a bout being a dad to daughters. I honestly think there is nothing better. When the girls were younger, people would always tell us, "Just wait till they hit their teen years. Then you'll have your hands full." Well, Audrey is a teen and I couldn't be happier. Is she more of a handful then she was when she was ten? Absolutely. But is a way it makes for a great and interesting parenting challenge. I never want to be a dad who puts it on auto pilot (and for a couple years I did that). I want to be a dad who is observant and responds relationally to what I observe. I want to be a student of my girls.

And they have plenty to teach me! Audrey has taught me to take advantage of the little moments. I try to get her to come with me when I run errands. And more often then not, when we are in the car and she is constantly flipping through the programmed radio stations on the car stereo, we get to talk. Sometimes it's about nothing much but sometimes it is more significant and we actually get to talk about what's on her heart and mind: school, boys, her mom, struggles with friends, etc.. Those are golden moments. 

I have also discovered with Audrey that I need to affirm my love for her all the time. Saying "I love you" multiple times a day drives the point home. Every once in a while I ge to wrap my arms around her and hold her for a bit and let her know how special she is and how proud I am of her. And the payoff? I am one of her "safe people." She told me her list of people she trusts, people she feels safe with. Unfortunately it is a pretty short list, but I am on there. That's all I'm looking for and I will do whatever it takes to stay on that list.

Emma is a different cup of tea. She is quieter but she has a lot going on inside. She is all about proximity. She wants to be near Jo or all all the time. She will follow Joanne from room to room throughout the day, doing whatever it is she is doing, just near Jo. At night she almost always falls asleep on the floor next to our bed becasue she desires that nearness. I think this is born out of some deep seated fear. After all, Emma is the one who found Joanne after she had her stroke. Her therapist said that has left her with a little bit of PTSD type behavior. I ache that an 11 old (then 10 year old) has to suffer such a burden, but that's her life so what can we do about it?

One of my favorite things is that Emma will get in bed with Jo and read out loud to her every night. Jo loves to be read to and Emma is a really good out-loud reader. So that is their ritual. It feels like a reversal, like Jo should be the one reading to Emma (which she always did before the stroke) at night, but it is indicative of how things have turned upside down in our home. The things Jo used to do are being picked up by the rest of us, and reading out-loud is one of them.

What else about Emma? She has a heart of gold: she is genuinely happy and helpful much of the time. But she has a solid core too that she won't allow to be violated. In other words, she can really dig in her heals when she gets crossed. But she never lingers in that space. I see flashes of it, but before you know it she is back to her happy helpful self. I think one day she is going to have to do some therapy on her own to really process the challenges that she has faced over the last 18 months, but for now, she seems well adjusted and generally OK.

It comes down to this: I wouldn't change my girls in any way. I love them just the way they are. Are their things about them that drive me crazy? Absolutely! But the good outweighs the bad at every turn. I love that Audrey lets me in, lets me love her. And I love that Emma is joyful and always ready to help. Because of that, I can survive the rough patches. I know at their core that I have good kids, loving kids.

And finally, here is my key thought: they are looking for a protector of their hearts. They are looking for me to step in when their hearts hurt and try to process through with them what is going on. The heart of a tween/teen age girl is a fragile thing and not to be taken lightly. So I think about this all the time: how do I protect Audrey and Emma's hearts toady. I look for opportunities and pounce on those opportunities when they arrive. I am passionate about it. It is at the very core of my parenting.

Yes, I blow it all the time. Daily in fact. But when I do I try to make it right with them as best I can and let them know that they are my priority, that they are my love, and that I am here to protect their hearts.

Prayer request:

1. Pray for strength that I would never, ever give up on these precious ones. It can be tiring but I never want to run out of steam when it comes to protecting their hearts.

2. School starts in a little over ten days. Please pray that both girls get off to a good start.

3. Praise God that he has blessed me with this family. For all the struggles and ups and downs there is no little group of people I would rather do life with.

Toben

P.S. Next post: On Being a Husband

How Do I Love Thee.. (Toben)

Love is a funny thing. I was driving in the car with Audrey today to do a little back to school shopping at the local resale store--can't afford much at the mall. So off the Uptown Cheapskates we headed. And I told her, "Audrey, I love you the most!" And I meant it. Can you guess her next question? "Well what about Mom. Don't you love her more?" I answered, "Not more, just different." Audrey, "Well what about Emma?" Same answer from me. 

Got me thinking: there are three ladies under my roof that I would lay my life down for without hesitation. Literally. So do I love one more than the other or is the human heart and mind capable of loving three people "the best" all at once? I never thought about that before. I guess I believe it's possible because it is how I feel. And I love them the most for different reasons. It goes beyond just the obligation to love them because they are mine and under my care, but I could list for you the things I love about them too. Yes, I love them because they are God's gift to me, but I love them for who they are and who they are becoming as well.

We got Audrey to MOST killer deals today. She was feeling a little badly yesterday because a lot of her friends are getting shopping sprees at the mall (and I mean shopping sprees) to go back to school. Most of them are going to be starting high school so the parents are going full tilt to make sure their kids have the best and most up to date fashions. But would you believe that God showed up in our shopping today?

Audrey REALLY wanted a pair of True Religion jeans, which even I know are about the coolest jeans around. Problem is that that cheap TR jeans start at about $200 new. So I literally said a little prayer and asked God for just one pair in her size at the resale store. Turns out we found 3 in her size. They look amazing on her--like they were costom fit her her. Of course she has a model's body (no hips!) so no surprise that high end fashion works for her. She is so STOKED and we still have just a little left in her back to school budget. They we 1/5 the price of new jeans. Thank you Jesus! So she can go to school feeling really good about what she is wearing, which I remember form my own H.S. days is a pretty stinking big deal!

I love it that God shows up in the weirdest places and at the most unexpected times. 

Audrey first trip to Cherry Creek H.S. is Friday; the day after her birthday. She has a couple of placement tests to take and then will get her class schedule. Holy cow! Audrey is going to High School! I am so excited for her. A little nervous because I think Creek has over 3000 students but I think she is going to do well there.

I also have a selfish motivation for her going there; Creek has won state football a bunch of times over the last few years and I love H.S. football so now I have an elite team to cheer for.Their stadium is epic too. We are going to have some fun fall nights watching Creek crush their opponents. Go Bruins!

Emma starts back at DC on the same day Audrey goes back--August 20. She is going ot breeze right in as she already knows almost all her classmates. It is a PREFECT situation for her and we remain deeply thankful to God (and special friend) that made this possible for Emma. Still, having a new middle schooler makes my head spin!

Off Topic: I went for a 7 mile hike yesterday with my Dad up in Rocky Mountain National Park. We hiked up to Ouzel Falls. It was stunning. No other way to put it.My dad is a photographer so we were really there to shoot the falls and it was so fun to watch him work with his gear. He knows what he's doing! Can't wait to see the outcome. We literally shot for about 30 minutes and only took 7 pictures. How cool is that!? Fun to watch an artist at work. 

Now those of you that know me know that I don't exactly have an athletic build. I am a bit round in places and definitley not in the best shape of my life. So that 7 miles was about all I could take, but I had such a great sense of accomplishment. Tylenol has been my friend today! Hope dad and I get a couple more hikes in before the season is over. 

Joanne is amazing to me--I still get to know the "new her" a little more every day. Just the fact that she gets out of bed every morning to face the day is an inderdible act of courage. Today she read and napped and we got to talk some. I think I have mentioned this before but on the day she almost passed, I just remember pleading with God to leave her here on Earth, no matter what. Thanks to him and only him she is still with me. Can't imagine a life without her. There are challenges, but she gives me a reason to smile every day. 

Prayer requests:

1. Pray that Audrey would find a friend right away. This is a very specif prayer but it will change everything for her if she was  able to find a friend.  And would it be too much to ask that the friend be a solid Christian/good influence/Young Life kid? A parent can only hope and pray!

2. Please also say a prayer for Emma that the transition to M.S. is a smooth one. All signs point to yes, adn her BFF will be there, but it still represents a new season and and new challenge for her.

3. Joanne's folks are camping at Rock Mountin National Park all week. Simple prayer that they would have a blast! They have earned it!

4. Praise!!! My mom and dad have come alongside in a very special way to our family. They live almost an hour away, but they have always been willing to drop whatever they were doing and come to our rescue. I praise God for them and their willingness to listen to me, to process with me, to counsel me and to encourage me. And their love for our family is unparalleled. Thank God for them!

Toben

Under One Roof (Toben)

Is it just me, or do you feel better when all your family is under one roof? I love the fact that Emma and Audrey can go off and have adventures with friends or grandparents, but it just doesn't feel as "right" to me as when they are all here at home. It is when I am at the most peace.

The funny thing is I will be sitting somewhere or getting ready to go to bed and I will feel this need just to see them or give them a hug and I will get up and seek them out and give them a hug or a kiss and tell them that I love them, just for no reason other than that they  are mine and I adore them. Then I can go back to whatever it was that I was doing with a greater sense of peace.

I don't want to be a smothering parent. And I would never want to stand between them and an adventure but I have to fight the tendency to keep them close just because it makes me feel better. I want them to have relationships and full lives. Along those lines, I wish we could be the house that all the kids want to hang out at. I love it when the girls have friends over. Of course being in the area of town that we are in their friends have some pretty cool houses with home theaters, TV, and every gaming system, etc. so it's hard to compete with that! But still, I would love to make space for kids to come hang out. We don't even have TV so that could be a challenge!

It is going to be a real shock to the system to have them back at school in the next few weeks. It'll be good to move into that season, but the days will definitely take on a different flavor. I will miss those two! Of course their are adventures to be had in the next couple of weeks so that they can build a few more great memories before this summer passes.

As I am writing this I wonder if some of my thoughts and behaviors stem from the fact that the girls and Joanne were home without me when Jo had her stroke? I wasn't here. Maybe I am thinking that if we are all together then nothing bad can happen. Hmmmm. Of course that is wrong headed thinking and could definitely lead to a little smothering behavior. Gotta work on that...

Toben

 

 

Therapy (Toben)

One of the readers the other day posted a comment about how it might be good for our family to get some counseling. I really appreciated the comment because it affirmed one of the things that has been central to our process for the last year. We have a family counselor, Audrey has her own psychiatrist as do I, the girls both got counseling at school and Emma was involved in a very cool grief workshop for elementary aged student. Whew! We love to get our counseling on! 

Today we had a great session with our family therapist. It was one of those rare appointments where he just affirmed a lot of the things we've been thinking and he was especially affirming of Audrey who has been doing some great work lately. In past sessions Audrey has been pretty quiet but today she was just overflowing. It was so cool to see her so engaged.  She even asked to talk to the doctor for a few minutes on her own so that she could get some breathing exercises and techniques to combat anxiety attacks. I'm looking at her thinking, "This is a kid we had to DRAG here two months ago." I am so proud of her and thrilled to see her maturing right before our eyes.

Made me realize how much of the battle we have faced as a family over Joanne's stroke is a mental/psychological/relational one. Yes, there are the physical components and limitations for Joanne but so much of the battle for each of us is happening between our ears! 

Here is what I am thinking: we need to air out our brains. I almost envision a cool breeze or clear water passing over each of our minds, clearing away the clutter and confusion and just leaving our brains shiny and happy. I am going to think about what it might take for each of us to get our brain cleared up. I know this is a weird visual but that's how my own brain works! I think we are all trapped in our own thought processes and fears and confusions. Let's clear out the noise and rest in light of our refreshed minds!

So here's what I really need to ponder: God promises to renew our minds (Romans 12:2). What does that mean? How do we pursue him so that that renewal can happen? Sounds like what is being promised is  a fresh start. I love that idea! And wow, we could use it!

I have a great friend whose wife's family pulled the kids out of school and sailed around the world for two years when she was young. That's what I'm talking about! I envision getting in the car and hitting the road, heading west to San Diego first and then north to the Canadian border. And then maybe east across the top of the country and when we run out of room to the east we can head south to the Carolinas before turning the car back toward the west and home. For some reason I envision this happening in an old VW bus with the windows down and the wind blowing through our hair (for those in my family that have hair--can the wind blow through Audreys mohawk or my shaved head?). Anyhow I am feeling the call of the open road and what that would do for our souls. 

Of course the timing is all off--the girls start school in exactly 20 days. But mark my words, before it's all said and done we're gonna take the mother of all roadtrips. Put that one on the bucket list.

Prayer requests:

1. Please pray for the renewal of our minds, in whatever form that takes.

2. I feel thankful for the basics--food, shelter, clothes, etc.. Praise God for the basics!

3. Please pray for courage for Audrey as she is going from a school where her class had 30 kids to a school where the freshman class is about 1000 kids! And she doesn't know a soul. This is definitely a good move for her and she is both thrilled and terrified. Please pray for peace for her. And a good friend right off the bat would be an extra great blessing.

4. Joanne could use a dose of hope--dealing with discouragement these days. Pray that God would provide her a vision of what her life can be, and not get stuck in what is.

Toben