21 years ago today Joanne and I got married. She was 19 and I was 21. And as young as we were I don't think we were really able to comprehend what our vows really meant. When we said "for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health" there is no way we could have known what that vow, that promise made before God, really meant. I think when I said it I figured it meant that if Joanne caught a cold I would bring her soup. But I know now that it meant, and means, so much more then that now.
If you are reading this you know the whole story. But maybe you don't know about this:
It was late in the ICU. Visitors were supposed to get kicked out at 11 but I rarely left that early. The nurses, John or Erin mostly, were ok with me staying a little later because I stayed out of the way, sat in a chair in the dark corner of Joanne's room and wrote this blog and thought about what all this meant. Sometimes I would get writers block or get tired of sitting so I would go for a little stroll around the ICU floor. There was always a hum to the place, even so late at night, as nearly everyone was hooked up to some sort of humming, pulsating, beeping machine that was keeping them alive in some form or fashion. But it was void of human sounds. Just machines.
So one night, about a week into this mess, as I was walking I thought to myself, "What's changed?" At this point we had no way of knowing how Joanne would pull through. She was still in a coma, her inter-cranial pressure numbers were still high, and she was missing half her skull. Not a rosy picture. Doctors told us so many different and conflicting things. One would tell us that within a few weeks Joanne would be walking out of the ICU under her own power. Others would say that she might never come out of her coma and that if she did, she would be vegatative at best. And everything in between.
So on this night, the little voice in the back of my head kept asking, "What's changed?" And I remember thinking very clearly: everything and nothing at all. Having a massive stroke is a watershed event after which nothing can return to the way it was before. But in a couple of very important ways, nothing had changed. Joanne and I were still married, we still had two beautiful kids together, we still shared a life, she was still my favorite person in the world and the one I wanted to be with more than any other. Oh yeah, and we had this vow, taken 19 years before, that meant that when this thing happened, this very event, this stroke, that we were going to stick together. Nothing changed that.
I think I almost literally slapped my hand to my forhead as it dawned on me, "This is what 'in sickness and in health really means.'"
And it has become my mantra. I think it to myself every day, most often when I am putting Joanne's socks on her after a shower. You see, to do this I sit on the tile floor between the toilet and the shower--I sort of get wedged in there, I am a good sized guy pushing 225 so this is no easy task. And I pull on her socks and put on her night AFO (ankle-foot orthotic) and I think, "in sickness and in health." and when I get up with her in the night I think, "in sickness and in health." And through other various challenges too numerous to mention, those words, that vow, comes to mind. And it calms me and gives me perspective. It reminds me that I'm not doing Joanne any fovors by caring for her, I'm just keeping a promise. If I was doing her favors, I think I would easily tire of that and could go bitter very fast.
Maybe that doesn't make sense but to me it is the equivalent of the serenity prayer that addicts are taught to pray to steady them when things get tough. For me it is the same thing. When I remind myself and repeat my mantra it keeps everything in balance. Because there is no "but" or "if" in that vow we took now 21 years ago. It is purely declarative. I will stick with you, I will be by your side no matter how sick you get, no matter how much you lose. And not just for today or this week but for the rest of our lives.
Now to be clear, repeating this mantra doesn't make things easier. It doesn't cheer me up when things are difficult. All it does is remind me of a promise I made. And then I have to go inside myself and ask this question: will I keep my promise. Becasue doing it and saying it are two very different things. So I have to look to my own character, to my own sense of self, to answer the question. I made a promise but am I a guy who keeps promises.
So far I am and with God's mercy I intend to be going forward until the end of this crazy ride. So we will pass the 21 year mark knowing one thing for sure; where ever this journey takes us, we're sticking together. We have a ritual almost every night when I tuck Jo into bed. We lock pinkings and one of us will say, 'We made it through another day." And the pinkies? That's our way of reminding each other that we are going to stick together. A pinkie promise. Not sure how that got started but I know it did before Joanne could even talk. Non-verbally we figured out how to affirm our vow.
It's ironic to me that I am writing this post at 1 a.m. which is about the time I would be wrapping up to go home when Joanne was in ICU. I never stay up this late any more but for some reason, tonight, here I am taking this trip down memory lane and this look deep inside me, remembering that everything has changed and nothing has changed at all.
Toben
Thank you for writing and sharing, and taking us along on this journey. This is beautiful. Blessings to you all, and may your move be smooth. God bless from your reader in Zurich.
Posted by: Susan | December 27, 2012 at 01:40 AM
I remember reading about John the nurse when Joanne was in ICU. I can remember sitting here at my computer and literally begging God, by prayer, that she would pull through so her girls wouldn't have to grow up without a Mother. As my Mum did when she lost both her parents at a young age :( I thank God for answering my prayer for your family and thank you for continuing to update the blog. May 2013 be a year of great health and much happiness for you all.
Michelle from Australia
Posted by: Michelle Lawson | December 27, 2012 at 02:19 AM
Praying for strength for you to keep that promise x
Posted by: Angela Hall | December 27, 2012 at 03:40 AM
You are such an inspiration. Even if another husband felt this way, he wouldn't put it out there for others to read. You and Joanne have a story and God is using you in ways you never imagined. Praying that all the changes you are making are part of God's plan and that He will rain down favor on your family - BTW Love the pinkie promise - What a way to end the day! I have followed your "story" from day one because I was a blog reader -
Posted by: Laura | December 27, 2012 at 06:01 AM
Happy Anniversary to a very special couple, a beautiful example of how to live the gifts God gives us. You're both an inspiration to us and I'm truly blessed to have met Joanne in San Antonio and learned a lifetime of wisdom from her and still learning! Have a special day!
Posted by: Bobbie Lutz | December 27, 2012 at 07:56 AM
Beautiful. May God bless you both on this anniversary & those to come. And may He give you at least a small inkling of the incredible ripple effect your story (& how you've lived it, transparently, for all to see) has caused in the lives of others. Saying a prayer for healing & strength.
Posted by: Gretchen | December 27, 2012 at 09:32 AM
Hi Toben and Joanne,
Toben, you are a wonderful husband and one I look up to and respect. Thank you for sharing you heart and speaking the truth. This is what it is about, Christ's love and living one day at a time waiting on Him to give us our daily bread to make it through the present day because we do not know what tomorrow holds. He is providing you with a new and fresh filling every day, there is nothing stale in this ministry you have.
Praying for you two and for the love, determination and perseverance to make it through each day in His grace.
Covering you all in prayers.
<><
Posted by: Child of God | December 27, 2012 at 10:59 AM
Wow. What an anniversary statement, Toben. Bless you for this precious reminder of the sanctity of our marital covenant. And may God continue to bring overwhelming beauty out of what the enemy attempts to destroy!
Posted by: LuAnne | December 27, 2012 at 11:07 AM
Happy Anniversary Joanne & Toben. May God bless you with many more blessed and happy years together.
Posted by: Sarah | December 27, 2012 at 02:42 PM
Beautiful - Happy Anniversary!
Posted by: Tiffany | December 27, 2012 at 03:06 PM
What beautiful and heartfelt writing. I have followed your blog and prayed for your family since the stroke. Your steadfast love and commitment to your wife is a witness in a world that believes you stay in relationships as you feel good and things are working well for you.
Toben, I strongly urge you to take this blogpost and expand it into a book. I think your story
would,,, not only encourage many but teach about commitment, love
Posted by: Jenna Hoff | December 27, 2012 at 05:37 PM
You are one amazing man.
Posted by: Pam James | December 27, 2012 at 05:42 PM
Happy Anniversary! Peace. Ya'll inspire and are examples of what is right in the world. Stand firm.
Posted by: DigiNee | December 27, 2012 at 06:14 PM
Oh, we ain't got a barrel of money,
Maybe we're ragged and funny
But we'll travel along
Singing a song
Side by side.
Don't know what's comin' tomorrow
Maybe it's trouble and sorrow
But we'll travel the road
Sharing our load
Side by side.
Through all kinds of weather
What if the sky should fall?
Just as long as we're together,
It doesn't matter at all.
When they've all had their quarrels and parted,
We'll be the same as we started
Just a-traveling along
Singing a song
Side by side.
SIDE BY SIDE
(Harry Woods) (1925) there's more to this song but you get the idea . . .
Posted by: Nance | December 27, 2012 at 08:51 PM
Thank you. I remember the depths of my vows during my husbands illness now I need to remember that I the everyday frustrations with ones spouse. Happy anniversary.
Posted by: Kim smith | December 27, 2012 at 10:32 PM
The Song came to mind ....What a Faithful God have I (we) what a Faithful God ...What a Faithful God have I (We) Faithful in EVERY way
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY xx
Posted by: Ruthy :o) | December 28, 2012 at 02:35 AM
Thank you, Toben, for evoking memories of our own experience when Doris suffered a massive stroke in 2002. As she lay in ICU stunned and half paralyzed, I reminded her that nearly 40 years earlier we had exchanged vows to stand by each other "in sickness and in health," and that my promise still stood. This was OUR stroke, not just hers. Both of our lives were changed that day over ten years ago. When she remarked once on her surprise at how I had risen to the occasion as a caregiver, I said I just thought of how she would have cared for me if the roles were switched, and took my lessons from her. Our Lord Jesus had died for both of us and this was a gift from Him that we never wanted. He would help.
We were both helped by the little book A PROMISE KEPT by J. Robertson McQuilken as he watched his dear wife slip into the fog of Alzheimer's. I needed to drink deeply from that well of giving out of love rather than mere duty.
So thanks again for being a model for men to emulate when a wife is down. It is normal for women to stand by their men, but men too often want to bail out and run. It takes courage to stick to your vows, and God will honor that, as do we.
Posted by: Bill in Ohio | December 28, 2012 at 01:48 PM
Happy Anniversary. More specifically, Happy Vows!!!
Grace and Peace,
Kim Feth
Apex, NC
Posted by: Kim Feth | December 29, 2012 at 10:07 AM
Happy Belated Anniversary... Its so awesome to sit here reading what your feeling. We first read about you and joanne back when you were writing about your BP. Im Linda and my DH is Mark, he was diagnosed BP years ago but hearing others talk about it and what you have been through and sticking it out, keeping your vows for better for worse is touching. I know that were not alone and I know that our God is walking right there beside you and with us.
Love and Hugs
Linda
Posted by: Linda Marie Finn | December 29, 2012 at 02:39 PM
Toben, this is the post I have been waiting for! First of all, congratuations on your 21st anniversary and the truth of your love being made manifest for all to see! I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that God had supernaturally called me to be an intercessor for your and Joanne's miracle...and I have walked this call out as lead by the Spirit of the Living God, believing with you for impossibles to be made possible. This post has ministered so deeply to my spirit and a divine gift has been given to me as a result of your obedience...love finds a way! My husband and I have been married 42 years, and without a doubt the LORD has brought us together. One of the heartaches that has been endured is that my husband suffers from Tourettes syndrome and his pride would never receive the diagnosis or get medical or behavioral help. It was easier to be "religious" and live in denial. As a result, severe emotional wounding has scarred and deformed. Recently, I have wondered if I could continue to stay under the severity, the meanness, the hurt. Your blog, your truthfulness and sincerety and bringing me back to "this one thing"...my vows, has helped me today. Love and grace will help me finish the course, with God's help, walking right beside us! God bless you and Joanne, heaven will tell!
Posted by: Pam Houston | December 30, 2012 at 08:47 AM
This one column is more powerful, thought provoking, convicting and encouraging than many sermons I have heard. Please write a book, both you and Joanne. Wish you many more years of togetherness. You both are truly amazing.
Posted by: Nancy | December 30, 2012 at 11:19 AM
This is a topic woefully needing a broader audience. Commitment to our vows is a daily reaffirmation of a choice we made. Some days it is done with ease and in joy. Somtimes it requires a conscious decision to be the people God wants us to be. It takes strength, compassion, and a good deal of inner reflection to admit this and to frame it all in the perspective of love rather than obligation. While the event that enabled you to write this post is no gift, your willingness to share this with the world is certainly a God given gift for all of us blessed to read it.
Posted by: Christy | January 02, 2013 at 08:45 PM
I needed to read this today, Toben. Brilliant.
Posted by: Karen Booker Schelhaas | January 03, 2013 at 09:09 AM
Amazing words. Brought me to tears.
Posted by: Melanie | January 10, 2013 at 03:13 PM
Happy anniversary Heims!
Posted by: Jennifer-theansweris.blogspot.com | January 14, 2013 at 04:39 PM
Amazing words. Brought me to tears. I needed to read this today, Toben. Brilliant. i enjoy this blog,
Posted by: Donor cultivation fundraising | January 30, 2013 at 07:36 AM