Joanne Heim

21 years (Toben)

21 years ago today Joanne and I got married. She was 19 and I was 21. And as young as we were I don't think we were really able to comprehend what our vows really meant. When we said "for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health" there is no way we could have known what that vow, that promise made before God, really meant. I think when I said it I figured it meant that if Joanne caught a cold I would bring her soup. But I know now that it meant, and means, so much more then that now.

If you are reading this you know the whole story. But maybe you don't know about this:

It was late in the ICU. Visitors were supposed to get kicked out at 11 but I rarely left that early. The nurses, John or Erin mostly, were ok with me staying a little later because I stayed out of the way, sat in a chair in the dark corner of Joanne's room and wrote this blog and thought about what all this meant. Sometimes I would get writers block or get tired of sitting so I would go for a little stroll around the ICU floor. There was always a hum to the place, even so late at night, as nearly everyone was hooked up to some sort of humming, pulsating, beeping machine that was keeping them alive in some form or fashion. But it was void of human sounds. Just machines.

So one night, about a week into this mess, as I was walking I thought to myself, "What's changed?" At this point we had no way of knowing how Joanne would pull through. She was still in a coma, her inter-cranial pressure numbers were still high, and she was missing half her skull. Not a rosy picture. Doctors told us so many different and conflicting things. One would tell us that within a few weeks Joanne would be walking out of the ICU under her own power. Others would say that she might never come out of her coma and that if she did, she would be vegatative at best. And everything in between. 

So on this night, the little voice in the back of my head kept asking, "What's changed?" And I remember thinking very clearly: everything and nothing at all. Having a massive stroke is a watershed event after which nothing can return to the way it was before. But in a couple of very important ways, nothing had changed. Joanne and I were still married, we still had two beautiful kids together, we still shared a life, she was still my favorite person in the world and the one I wanted to be with more than any other. Oh yeah, and we had this vow, taken 19 years before, that meant that when this thing happened, this very event, this stroke, that we were going to stick together. Nothing changed that.

I think I almost literally slapped my hand to my forhead as it dawned on me, "This is what 'in sickness and in health really means.'"  

And it has become my mantra. I think it to myself every day, most often when I am putting Joanne's socks on her after a shower. You see, to do this I sit on the tile floor between the toilet and the shower--I sort of get wedged in there, I am a good sized guy pushing 225 so this is no easy task.  And I pull on her socks and put on her night AFO (ankle-foot orthotic) and I think, "in sickness and in health." and when I get up with her in the night I think, "in sickness and in health." And through other various challenges too numerous to mention, those words, that vow, comes to mind. And it calms me and gives me perspective. It reminds me that I'm not doing Joanne any fovors by caring for her, I'm just keeping a promise. If I was doing her favors, I think I would easily tire of that and could go bitter very fast.

Maybe that doesn't make sense but to me it is the equivalent of the serenity prayer that addicts are taught to pray to steady them when things get tough. For me it is the same thing. When I remind myself and repeat my mantra it keeps everything in balance. Because there is no "but" or "if" in that vow we took now 21 years ago. It is purely declarative. I will stick with you, I will be by your side no matter how sick you get, no matter how much you lose. And not just for today or this week but for the rest of our lives. 

Now to be clear, repeating this mantra doesn't make things easier. It doesn't cheer me up when things are difficult. All it does is remind me of a promise I made. And then I have to go inside myself and ask this question: will I keep my promise. Becasue doing it and saying it are two very different things. So I have to look to my own character, to my own sense of self, to answer the question. I made a promise but am I a guy who keeps promises. 

So far I am and with God's mercy I intend to be going forward until the end of this crazy ride. So we will pass the 21 year mark knowing one thing for sure; where ever this journey takes us, we're sticking together. We have a ritual almost every night when I tuck Jo into bed. We lock pinkings and one of us will say, 'We made it through another day." And the pinkies? That's our way of reminding each other that we are going to stick together. A pinkie promise.  Not sure how that got started but I know it did before Joanne could even talk. Non-verbally we figured out how to affirm our vow. 

It's ironic to me that I am writing this post at 1 a.m. which is about the time I would be wrapping up to go home when Joanne was in ICU. I never stay up this late any more but for some reason, tonight, here I am taking this trip down memory lane and this look deep inside me, remembering that everything has changed and nothing has changed at all.

Toben

This and That (Toben)

Audrey had a rough day today: it was her last day at Creek so it was also the last day that she had at school with her friends. Not that those friendships need fall by the wayside now that she isn't at Creek anymore. We talked about it and I reminded her of how thing used to be.

To keep in touch with far away friends I actually had to write letters. Long distance phone calls were a "luxury" but stamps were affordable. I had a bunch of friends in California when I was in high school (I spent some of my summer vacations with my aunt and uncle who lived in SoCal) and I remember writing a letter a day to keep in touch. And when I was in college Joanne and I communicated through the mail my freshman year, when she was still at home in high school. 

Audrey rolled her eyes. Ancient history, I get it. I reminded her that in this day and age she has a dozen ways of staying in touch with her friends: text, email, facebook, twitter, phone, instagram, blog, skype, etc.. Ok, maybe not a dozen but a ton of ways to stay in touch. I think that made her feel a little better. I also reminded her that we will probably be up at the house a couple of times a week until it sells, so we can pick up her friends whenever she wants. I think that made her feel a little better. Whew!

Tomorrow we head to the Springs. Jo's dad has graciously given us use of the truck and we will be filling it to the brim with all our stuff. We have been transporting things down to my folk's house for the last couple of weeks so much of what we need is already down there. But we are bringing a lot with us tomorrow. Interestingly, the move is showing me the difference between what I have and what I really need.

For example, I am only brining the following clothing items to my parents:

5 pants

6 t-shirts

6 undersirts

4 short sleeved button down shirts

4 long sleeve button down shirts

Assorted socks, underwear and PJs

5 pairs of shoes

2 jackets

3 sweaters

That may look like a lot, but compared to what I used to have, this is a very small and essential list. Truth be told, I could probably pare it down a little is I needed to. I used to have over 20 pairs of shoes. I had at least 10 pairs of jeans and another 10 pairs of pants. I had dozens of t-shirts. You get the picture. So to me, it feels good to have so greatly scaled back my wardrobe.

Here is a weird thing about me: when I find something I like I buy multiples. So my 5 pairs of pants? All the same, just in differnet colors. T-shirts? All made by the same company. My button downs? Same brand all from Target. Do you do that? Do you buy multiples of the same thing if you like the item? Is that just a guy thing? See, I really don't care to be fashionable. I like to be functional. Not that the two are mutually exclusive but I am definitely function over fashion these days. I am sure that's becasue I am getting older and really don't care much what I look like. Life has too much drama for me to worry about what to wear. 

Wow, I am sounding like a cranky old man! Nothing against old men.

Joanne's wardrobe has been pared back quite a bit too. Emma has scaled back. Audrey on the other hand has tons of clothes. She filled the back of my dads SUV with bins and bins of clothing. I think she could probably go a month without doing laundry...maybe longer. But 14 year old girls are supposed to be way more in to fashion than there 42 year old dads. So no nudging from me for her to thin her wardrobe out. I say, "Go for it girl! If you enjoy having so many clothes more power to you." Of course it is easy to take this position becasue she gets most of her clothes at thrift stores. If she was shopping at Abercrombie or Urban Outfitters I would be singing a different tune. But most of her clothing items cost $3.99 or less. Yes!

As I write this Emma is sitting in the chair next to me sniffling away. Poor girl has a cold. Her nose is so red from blowing it all day. I feel terrible for her. We are highly germ conscious as a family becasue we don't want Joanne to get sick so we wash hands a lot, don't share drinks, etc.. But every once in a while a pesky germ follows one of the girls home from school. I hope Emma feels better soon so that she can fully enjoy her Christmas break.

I guess that's about it.

Toben

 

Real Snow! (Toben)

We are finally getting some real snow here along the front range of the Rocky Mountains. We only have a couple inches at this point but it is really coming down and we are expected to get another two or three inches. So not a lot of snow, but at least it's something. I am not a fan of winter, but I am glad that Colorado is getting snowed on because we really need the water come summer time. 

Today is Emma's last day of school at Denver Christian. She starts her new school on the 7th so she is going to have a nice long break. Audrey has school through the rest of the week and will be off after school on Friday. Again, she doesn't start until the 7th. Both girls are excited because school starts much later for them then it currently does. Audrey has an extra 45 minutes in the morning and Emma has an extra half hour. May not sound like much but the parents here will attest, every little bit of time in the morning is a blessing. 

Our house is a disaster. In the process of moving out all the stuff gets displaced and set out to be boxed up. I am straightening up as much as possible every day and putting things in boxes. The girls are really working hard on their rooms and my mom has been a super-packer, attacking one room at a time until it is in ship shape. So far we have about three rooms that are really sorted out--living room, dining room and kitchen table area. The basement is also very close to being done. Tomorrow my mom finishes up the kitchen and will help Emma get her room in order. 

We move to the Springs on Saturday. Doesn't mean we won't be back up at the house a lot getting it ready to show, but we will spend our nights in the Springs. I am really looking forward to the move. I just want to be down there and get on with it. I think our space at my folks house is really great. Plenty of room and well put together. it's comfortable. Plus they have TV, which Emma especially is so excited about. She can sit in her bed and watch shows. 

We will be back and forth between families this Christmas. We are celebrating with Joanne's sister's family and her folks on the 23rd. Then we are doing Christmas with my folks on the 24th. And then we are back up to Jo's folks on the 25th for brunch. The weather is supposed to be nice over the weekend so snow driving shouldn't be a problem (thank goodness). I am excited to give the few gifts that we have been able to buy. Emma already got her gift from Jo and I--a very cool pair of hiking boots. And Audrey got her present--a new screen for her MacBook Air (which mysteriously got shattered). I know what my folk have gotten for the girls and they are going to love their gifts.

I guess that's about it.

Prayer requests:

1. Please continue to pray for the move. So much to get done! 

2. Please pray that the house would sell quickly and for a fair price.

3. Praise that the girls are registered at their respective schools and feeling good about where they will be next semester.

Toben

 

A Quick Hike (Toben)

I like hiking. Not long, strenuous hikes, but nice, short, brisk hikes. It clears my head and gets me some fresh air and physical exercise. So when my dad called yesterday to ask if Emma and I would be up for a hike today, I jumped at it.  We went to Roxborough State Park, just about half and hour from our home and it was beautiful! The weather was very cool but manageable. And the fresh air was so amazing. I take air for granted, but when I get a good snoot-full of cool, crisp Rocky Mountain air I remember how lucky I am to live here in Colorado. Felt good to get my heart rate up a little too.

Emma is a hiker. In fact she may like hikes even more than I do. And she loves hiking with my dad, her Papa. My dad is pretty amazing with Emma. He lets her set the pace and follows her lead. She gets such a kick getting off the main trail and exploring. And she always has her camera at the ready. For Christmas Joanne and I were able to get her a pair of hiking boots on Amazon thanks to a gift card that Joanne received. They are so cool and so much better than the runners that she has been wearing to hike. These have great tread and a lot of support for her feet and ankles. She loves them! I won't give it away but this Christmas will definitely be a good one for her future outdoor adventures. 

We had a lot of fun today talking about future adventures. We are going to spend a fair share of time in Rocky Mountain National Park starting in the Spring. Emma is determined that she will take at least one 7 mile hike. Not sure why she picked this number, but we'll go for it by the end of the season. We have a lot of shorter hikes to do before we'll be ready to tackle something that long (I realize 7 miles is nothing for a real hiker, but like I said, I am a casual hiker at best).

Today also involved a lot of packing and cleaning for the girls. Their rooms need a lot of attention and they both really worked hard today, getting the junk out of their rooms and out to the curb, sorting through clothes and putting things in "keep" piles and "give" piles. They did great. I think they are both ready to wrap things up and get down to the Springs.

Speaking of which: Emma was at her new school (Eagleview) on Friday for orientation and math placement testing. In short, she rocked! She figures she got an easy "A" on her placement test and finished the 45 minute exam in about half the time. The kid is sharp! She left feeling really good about her new school and is anticipating getting started after the break. She also got to choose her electives and put photography as her first choice. I hope she gets it! That would make the transition just that much better.

Audrey goes to Air Academy tomorrow for her orientation. It is a little weird and kind of cool to be sending her off to the school that Jo and I graduated from over 20 years ago. I think she is going to love it. We've been talking about it and she said, "If I can handle Creek (with 4000 students) I can handle anything." And I think she's right. Air Academy has only 1200 students so I think it'll feel very manageable to her. I'll update in my next post on how her orientation went. 

I think the move is hardest on Joanne. She is leaving her nest, which she so carefully put together over the years. In the long run I think she'll feel like we made the right decision to downsize and get a place that's more conducive to her level of mobility but in the interim it really stinks for her. It is especially difficult for her to have so much activity going on around her and her being limited in what she can do to help. I wish I could make this easier on her but I'm just not sure how to do that. 

Anyhow, as I write this everyone is pretty well tucked in for the evening. Joanne is in bed reading her Kindle. Emma is watching a movie and Audrey is listening to music and playing with clay (her new favorite artistic expression). Feels good to have everyone here together and settled. As you know from previous posts, nothing makes me happier than to have all my girls under one roof. 

Prayer requests:

1. Please pray that Audrey would have a good time at Air Academy tomorrow and would be energized by the idea of heading there after break.

2. Big praise the Emma's time at Eagleveiw was such a smashing success. The transition for her is a big one going form a class of 30 to a class of 300! But she is excited and ready to go. Thank you Jesus!

3. Please lift up Joanne as she struggles with this move. 

Toben

Moving (Toben)

Short post just to update you: We are moving to Colorado Springs. We have been thinking about it for a while and the time has come to go for it. There are lots of reasons for the move and I won't go into all of them here but one big one is that my job is in the Springs and moving down there will allow me to cut my commute from 2 hours daily to 10 minutes. How cool is that? 

The girls are already enrolled in school and will go for their placement testing and tour of the school later this week and early next week. They are both doing well with the idea of moving which is a real blessing. I think that some of it is that it represents a new start--something we desperately need. Again, over the next weeks I'll go into more detail.

We are going to put our house on the market the first of the year so we still have a TON to do to before we move out. We are leaving a bunch of stuff so that the house will be "staged" for showing, but everything else needs to go. I have to give special recognition to my mom and to Audrey. They make quite a team when it comes to getting things packed up. You should see these two attack a project! We will be workng on finishing everything up over the next three weeks.

We are going to live with my folks until the house sells. They have done an amazing job of making space for us and we have gotten to stay down there for a few weekends and it has worked really well. They have a great basement with lots of room and so we'll be in a good place until the time comes to move into our own place. 

Sorry for the short post. I just wanted to let you all know what's going on. I will write a longer post when I have time and as I have the creative juices flowing--feeling a little flat these days. So much to do!

Prayer requests:

1. Please pray that we are able to get the house in order over the next couple of weeks.

2. Please pray that the house would sell quickly!

3. Please pray for the girl's transition.

Toben

 

Speed Shopping (Toben)

I do the grocery shopping at our house. I shop at Target because I know where everything is. I know it's not the cheapest, but I tried to shop at the Walmarts a couple of times and got utterly lost and frustrated. Since Joanne usually stays home by herself while I shop I am motivated to go as fast as I can because I don't like leaving Joanne home alone. So Target it is. 

Here are my secrets: make a list. I try to always know what I am going for before I head out the door. If I try to remember stuff I always forget something, and it is usually the most important something. 

I mentally plan my path through the store. This is a little weird, but as I drive to the store I visualize the path I will take through the store. I guess a lot of elite athletes visualize their event before participating so why should I be any different? Pharmacy, then the bread aisle, cereal and then dairy. Check.

Get a cart that works. I don't have time for a cart with a sticky wheel. If I pull out a cart and it fights me, I abandon it and go back for a new cart. I also won't use carts that pull to the left or the right. I need the cart to be on the team!

Stay alert: there may be something that I needed that I forgot to put on the list. I can't get too focused on the list that I forget to grab a can of Salt and Vinegar Pringles for Emma's lunch when I walk down the chip aisle.  

This morning I had a list of 20 items and the entire trip from my house, through the store and home took half an hour. Joanne says I am a shopping super hero and that I need to wear a cape when I grocery shop.  I don't think so...it might slow me down.

Toben

 

A Post You Will Not Like (Toben)

I think it's time to stop and take stock. Maybe not today, but in the near future. As we come up on the new year and on Joanne's second srtokeaversary (more on this later) I think I need to take a good, solid look back at the last two years. I'll blog about it when I get there. I really want to process through what we have learned, what we have done right and what we've done wrong and what we what to change. I don't want to live an unexamined life. 

Well, let me be more honest: there is a part of me that just doesn't want to to know how I have blown it over the last years. I already, just off the top of my head,  can cringe at some of the decisions that I've made. I can think of damaged relationships, poor parenting moments and times when I haven't been the husband that I would want to be. Seems like those moments really pop out while the good stuff I think I've been able to do fades--the good stuff doesn't seem to carry the same weight as the bad stuff. The bad rises to the surface because the good is the "expected" behavior and, not celebrated (that would be arrogance). While the bad stuff is an indicator of lack of faith and poor character.

An example: compare these two sentences; 

"I can't believe he left her after all she's been through."

"I can't believe he stayed with her after all she's been through." 

The two seemingly similar sentences couldn't ben more different. The first one, I think I believe someone would say that in real life. The second one? Not so much because the expectation is there for doing the right thing. Whoever did that second thing would be a class A creep! And I honestly believe that to break a vow like the one we say about caring for each other in sickness and in health is a really big one. I think there is a special place that people go who abandoned a disabled child or spouse. I don't want to ever, ever go there!

Why is that? To be honest, I think I am a break-even kind of guy. I am about half good and half trianwreck. I know that there are "theological" answers for this position--I have been steeped in evangelical christianity so I know about how we are all sinful, and fall short of the glory of God--we are human so it is our nature to blow it. But I am seeing something more then that. I am seeing poor choices and poor motivations as indicators of my humanness and the good stuff I have done I have to chalk up to God's help, the the spirit in me. So essentially I have to own the bad stuff as my own selfish humanness, but the good stuff isn't about me, it's about God in me. Hmmm...is that really it? I get the blame but none of the credit? I am all evil and God is all good so any good in me is God in me? I have to wrestle through that one.

Or maybe it's simpler then that: Sometimes I act like a jerk and sometimes I don't. It may be clear by now that I am struggling with my faith. Do I believe in God? Absolutely. Do I believe in Jesus? Without question. Do I believe that they are loving an benevolent. Not so far in our case. See, this is the part you're going to hate. I am trying to be honest here and have grappled as to whether or not to even write this post because I don't want people running around thinking that somehow I have lost my salvation. That's not it. It's just that God may not be quite who I thought he was and that it may take me a while to get to know him as he really is. May take the rest of my life to figure that one out...and I am okay with that.

I've said it before: I don't believe God owes me an explanation for Joanne's stroke. In fact, I have grown quite comfortable with the idea that it is meaningless. To attach meaning means to attach motive and I don't want to go down that road. So God is welcomed to keep the reason for Joanne's stroke a secret. I can live with that. The alternative is to see God in literally everything and that would be equally crazy making. Joanne has a bad night's sleep (often) so what is God trying to say? We are hurting each other as a family so we must not be spiritual enough. We are damaged at a very fundamental level so maybe God has turned his back on us. Too much to grasp when all I'm trying to do is make it through the day. 

Every night, without fail, Joanne and I will look at each other and one of us will say, "Well, we made it through another day." Then we lock pinkies for a minute as a promise that we'll try it again tomorrow. That's about as good as it gets.

Please go easy on the comments. I know that the blog is often pretty up-beat and maybe even (dare I say) inspirational or at least mildly amusing, but I really want to be honest. I want to write down what I really think about. I feel like I owe it to the readers out there to not always make our situation sound like a daily victory. A lot of times it's just not. It's ugly and broken and painful and humiliating and damaging....kinda like life.

Toben

It's Just a Pole (Toben)

I watched a series on youtube about how Navy Sailors become Navy Seals. It's crazy! Each class starts out with about 200 men and ends up graduating about a dozen or so Seals at the end of 6 months of training. It is brutal! In this series there was one guy who made it the whole way through that I was really effected by. He always seemed to have a smile on his face and made jokes (and often got the worst of it because of his comments). But he just had this great attitude--"throw everything you've got at me. I may only get one shot at this and I am going to have the time of my life going for the prize to be a Seal. The only way you'll stop me is if you kill me!"

I would never have picked this guy to make it. He was a jokester and a bit of a clown and yet he was tough as nails and never, ever cut corners. He was "squared away" as they say. He had a rock-solid core and nothing could shake him. He was such a very odd combination of resolve and relaxation.

After watching this series and seeing this guy make it through I thought, "I want to be that guy." I want to be able to maintain a good attitude, keep a sense of humor and at the same time have unshakeable core that allows me to do what others might think impossible. Strange how God could use a video series totally unrelated to my life to give me encouragement and a life lesson.

One of the things that I noticed about the training and about this guy is that after the shock and awe of any new experience wears off then it's just about sucking it up and going for it. One of the exercises they made these guys do was to haul around a ridiculously heavy  pole about 12 feet long and 18 inches in diameter that had been soaking in ocean water. I have no idea what it weighed but it was hundreds of pounds. Teams were assigned (about 10 to a team) and these guys had to haul that pole up sand hills and down sand hills and take it for runs in the surf and almost anything else you can imagine doing with a massive pole. It was their task, their assignment, their burden and ever present.

After they picked it up for the first time you could see some of the guys wilt, "This is too much to bear." And a lot of those guys rang the bell, left their helmet on the sidewalk and left the program. But this guy, who I came to admire, took the attitude, "This is our pole, and it ain't going to get any heavier. So if I can lift it today I can lift it tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that. It's just a heavy pole."

Man, if I could have that guys attitude! I think some of it is in-born and some of it is a gift. In all humility I think I have some of that in-born attitude (nature)--kind of that "bring it on mentality."  I am pretty level headed and pretty creative about how to do the best I can with what is available. I also think some of it was how I was brought up (nurture).  I have an ability to cope with some weirdness

So why am I telling you this? Joanne says she feels like a burden, and she feels like I bear the weight of that burden. But here's the truth: on January 11, 2011,  I made a choice. I told God, "However this turns out, I will take care of Joanne." I literally prayed that. Maybe the most simple prayer I have ever prayed. But that was it. And I meant it with every fiber of my being.

So now we have certain challenges as a family and I have certain responsibilities but, much like that soon-to-be Seal I can say, "This is my pole. I can lift it today and I can lift it tomorrow and if they ask me to lift it every day for the rest of my life, I'll lift it." But what I want today, a mean really long for, is the ability to do what I have to do with a smile on my face, and a little chuckle just under the surface. I want to go into situations with Joanne or the girls and think, "This is crazy! Oh well, bring it on and let's see if we can have some fun with it!"

And I want that because those are the guys that make it in the long run! The ones that try to "man up" and take everything so seriously and draw from a place of their own personal toughness? A lot of them washed out because one day that "toughness" didn't show up.

Here's another lesson: the guy who made it? He complained. When something was hard he would call it what it was. Actually some of the humor of the show was just listening to this guy talk about how horrible everything was! He didn't try to sugar coat it and make the hard stuff any less hard. He would say, "That was terrible! I can't believe we had to do that. But we did it so what's next?" This made me realize that it is OK for me to be honest with close friends and family about how hard some of these daily challenges really are. Doesn't mean I can't or won't rise to the occasion. I know I can do that. But I don't always have to put a big yellow smiley-face on everything too.

So that's my goal, my mission: to be that Navy Seal who looks adversity in the eye with a little smile on his face and says, "It's just a pole. This is going to be hard. What's next?"