Joanne Heim

Psalm 23 (Toben)

Today for devotions I took the staff through an interesting exercise. We read Psalm 23 from three different versions of scripture: the KJV, the NIV and The Message. As we read each translation I had the staff circle the passages or words that jumped out at them the most. The interesting thing was that everyone selected something totally different in each translation/paraphrase. Even though the meaning is the same in each the different phrasing drew emphasis to different parts of the passage. Makes me realize that when I am studying scripture there is real value to taking a peek at other translations. Anyhow, the experience caused me to draw a parallel in my life.

Everything I do can have different "translations." Depending on the day my translation may be the "Woe is Me" translation. Or maybe it's the "Super Dad" translation. And there are many others. So I am wondering what it might look like if in the midst of any given situation if I took just a minute to stop and thing about what other translation I could apply.

An example: Every night I give Joanne a little help with her shower. The last thing I do before I help her put on her PJs is that I get on the floor and dry off her feet. Now obviously I look at this activity as the "Servant Husband." Here I am, the selfless guy drying Joanne's feet for her so we can get those jammies and her night brace on. Problem is I get the "Servant Husband" crossed with the "Woe is Me Husband" too often. After all, crawling around the bathroom floor is not the greatest. But what if I looked at this activity through another lens. What if I looked at it through the "Bringer of Joy Husband." Joanne LOVES this time of day. She loves her showers, and her jamies and crawling into bed all clean and shiny. So can I celebrate her joy with her? Of course I can! I just need to read from a different translation. How much cooler to be the "Bringer of Joy!"

Example number two: I drive Audrey to school each morning instead of making her take the bus. Can you guess the translation I read when I have to get up so early every morning to complete this task? "Poor Selfless Dad!" Here I am, poor me, dragging myself out from under the warm covers to face the day about an hour earlier than I would like. And boy, when I look at it through this translation Audrey definitely picks up on it! She isn't fooled. She knows I am feeling sorry for myself and maybe just a little resentful of her. But my other translation, and the far better one is "Listening Dad." I get a whole 20 minutes in the car just me and Audrey; I get to hear about her expectations for the day, any concerns she has, what she is looking forward to. I get let in to her life. Wow, to be "Listening Dad" is such a privilege whereas "Poor Selfless Dad" gives me a false sense of entitlement...and grumpiness.

So that's what I want to think about and work on. What translation am I in today? What are some of your favorite translations?

Toben

 

Kindle Craziness (Toben)

Joanne's Kindle Fire died. I mean really, really...really died. I figured that the warranty was for a year and hers was two years old, so I went to Best buy and got her a new Kindle Paperwhite, which as it turns out is pretty lame once you are used to a Kindle Fire. So anyhow, Joanne is obviously being gracious about the situation but it's clear that she is not stoked. SO I figure, "what the heck. I'll call Amazon and see if they want to hook us up." So I call Amazon and the tell me that yes, we are way out of warranty but that Joanne is such a good customer and has Amazon Prime, etc. that they would be glad to extend the warranty and that they will have her a new Kindle Fire here by Tuesday. Seriously!? That is some freaking customer service! Of course they can see that Joanne is a heavy user and that they will more than make their money back. So no harm, no foul. I boxed up the Paperwhite and Best Buy returned it so it's all good. Way to go Amazon!

Toben

Identity (Toben)

Now that the house is sold and Spring break is over and we are back into our routine I have a little of time to think...and decisions to make. And I think our whole family has some identity issues to wrestle with and settle into. 

Joanne has been robbed of her identity in a way that I'm not sure many of us (at least I) can't comprehend. Everything that she was all about is all about gone. I'm not going to go into depth on this because I feel like I have covered this ground in many other posts. But I think some of her identity will be restored when we get our own place. We are probably going to get through the school year without a change but I am looking around on the web at places in District 20 that might be a good fit for us. I have been surprised to find that a number of different apartment complexes have handicapped ready apartments. That's pretty cool! Joanne can really get around a regular house, but it's nice to have the extra wide spaces for her to get through and grab bars in the bathroom. 

The girls identity has been deeply affected too. They went from being homeshool kids, to Christian school kids  to public school kids. They too lost their house and they left their friends in Denver. Emma has made new friends but I think Audrey is still a little gun-shy to make friends--she is really struggling to get attached or to trust people. I get that. Again,the next phase for us is to get our own place. I think they'll feel more "planted" once we move.

I have had something weird happen as a result of selling the house. Joanne and I have been home owners for almost 20 years. Now we aren't. A house is not my identity but it does feel weird to not be a land owner any more. In fact I think in colonial America my lack of property ownership would not allow me to vote. I too am looking forward to having a place of our own, but I have to say that of all of us, I have benefited the most from moving in with Mom and Dad. They have been such an amazing help to me personally. I feel like I have support. There is part of me that makes me never want to leave, but at some point we have to get back out on our own.

One weird challenge for us is the cats! They lived at the house in Denver until it sold, and since then we have had them at our friendly neighborhood kennel. We go visit them a lot but we are desperate to have them back with us. I think the kennel is an OK set up and they are well cared for, but I think they need a home for the time being until we can have them in our apartment. So if any of you out there want to cat sit for a month until we move, just let me know. That would be a huge relief and blessing!

I guess that's about it for now.

Toben

 

 

Resurrection (Toben)

Don't gasp, but we didn't go to church this Easter. I think it may be a law that you must attend and Easter Service. But we didn't. Instead we watched a Catholic Easter Mass from the National Basilica. It was incredible! The way they do mass is so reverential and formal and feels appropriate for the remembrance of Christ's resurrection. In most churches I have been to it feels like the pastor knows he has one shot to talk to all the people who only come to church once or twice a year. If I was a pastor I would probably do the same thing. But in the Mass we watched, it was clearly a celebration of Christ's rising from the dead and it wasn't at all evangelistic. In fact Joanne commented that it really was an "insiders" service. If you weren't familiar with the way Mass is conducted you would be utterly lost at the Easter Mass. I wonder if the Catholic Church does a "starter Mass" for those new converts to sort of fill them in on the why and wherefores of Mass?

Anyhow, this was probably the first Sunday in our lives that we weren't at a service for Easter. There are many reasons that we decided not to go. Some of them were probably valid and others were not, but I know for me that I am in the midst of a Dark Night Of the Soul and that I am struggling mightily with my faith. I don't think it's hit me until recently that that's where I am. And the rest of our little family is there too. Joanne struggles, Audrey struggles and Emma, being the age that she is, struggles in her own way. We are all dealing with so many "non-Christian" emotions--anger, fear, sadness, shame...did I mention anger? We are still very much asking the question, "Why did this happen!" The price to pay has been so great!

Now I know in writing this that all those emotions are not "non-Christian." Lots of believers wrestle with these very feelings to one extent or another. In fact I can sit here and think of literally a dozen families that struggle. Maybe not just like we are struggling, but struggling just the same. I think it's central to the human experience. I have often said that no one gets out of this life unscathed and I truly believe that. We all take our shots.

One thing I wrestle with is that Joanne's stroke happened over two years ago but to me it's like it happened yesterday. I am still reliving those minutes and hours right after her stroke on a frequent basis--I have flashbacks and different things can set it off. It can be the spot on I-25 where I got the first call from Audrey that something was wrong with mom to seeing Audrey or Emma's phone numbers come up on my caller ID. I can instantly be transported to a very anxious place. I get a tightness in my chest...

I wonder why this hasn't passed. I wonder if I will feel this way forever.

And what's worse is that I know Joanne is feeling these feeling more deeply than any of the rest of us. It is her life that was taken from her. We had a couple of long talks over the weekend and she is still so very much in mourning from all that's lost. My favorite is that she says she watches advertisements for cleaning products on TV and desperately wishes she could buy a can of Scrubbing Bubbles and go clean a bathroom! She longs for the day when she could wield a bottle of Windex. It is truely the little things that mount up and remind us of what has passed.

So the resurrection. What does that mean to us? Here is the best way I can put it. To me it feels like much of our life was put in a coffin and buried when Joanne had her stroke. Things that were became no more. And that coffin was buried. Now, every once in a while a little something will be resurrected. Maybe we'll experience it on a walk around the Garden of the Gods or a drive up into the mountains. There will be a moment of normalcy or even happiness and it feels like we are stealing a little something back from the grave. And even though it seems unlikely, I am still hoping that one of these days God will choose to resurrect something big! Maybe it will be a restoration of the girl's relationship with Joanne. Maybe it will be a physical ability on Joanne's part. Maybe it will be the rediscovery and ability for Joanne to do something she loves. Who knows what it could be, but I am ready, anticipating those little resurrections. How I wish they would come faster!

Joanne made an interesting comment this weekend. She said, "I wonder what Saturday was like for the disciples?" They lost Jesus to the cross on Friday and then what? I imagine that the grief was punishing but I also wonder if there wasn't some hope against hope that Jesus was really going to come back. All I know is that it must have been an excruciating day. Of course Sunday changed everything for the entire course of human history. 

I feel like it is our perpetual Saturday. And I can tell you, we are all waiting expectantly for our metaphorical Sunday to change the course of our family's history!

Toben