I have the Latin words Sola Fide tattooed on my arm. That translates into "Faith Alone." When I got the tattoo I don't think I really understood what the depth of those words meant. I thought it was about my action--I was going to have faith and that was going to get me into Heaven. I thought it was about my pursuit of an ideal. I thought it was about a mindset. I thought it was about a set of behaviors.
Now I don't think it is about any of those things. To be honest, I am in a little bit of a "dark night of the soul." I am still struggling with where God fits into everything that has happened that last couple of years. This came as a stark realization last night when I was running errands with Emma. She asked me straight out, "Where are you with God?" Now Emma is 12 so this seemed like a pretty deep and thoughtful question coming from her. I asked her if I could think about it for a minute and she said that was fine. So I had a couple of minutes of quiet soul searching.
And here is what came to me: God hasn't gone anywhere. I vividly remember a conversation I had with my friend Jonathan a bunch of years ago when I was going through a tough patch in my life. I said I felt like I was running away from God. He said, "No matter how far you run, God is still there." At the time it hit me like a ton of bricks. He went on to say, "If God is always right there, what good does all your running do?" Wow!
So that's what I conveyed to Emma. I told her that despite the hardships, God is still right there. Now sometimes we face Him, we may even embrace Him. At other times we may turn our backs and cross our arms and stomp our feet like little kids...but God isn't going anywhere.
And it is that faith that God isn't going anywhere is enough to get us through. He is always present, always there to listen. At times He may seem distant, but that's more about us than it is about him. God is close!
So what is my posture in relation to God who is right there? When I picture it in my minds I I see a broken guy, head hung low, tired and worn out and disappointed facing away from God but leaning back into Him at the same time. I am not angry; I'm not stomping my feet--I am too tired for that. I am just defeated. But I know that God is there to keep me up-right when I feel like I just want to fall over.
I am planning on asking the girls what there mental image is of their relationship with God when I get them alone one-onp-one in the next few days, mostly because I am curious. I have an idea what they are going to say--after all I live with them and am a close student of them. But I want them to think about it and speak for themselves. Should be an interesting conversation! If it's OK with them I'll let you know what they say.
Needless to say, Faith Alone means something entirely different to me now than it did. Now it simply means that I belive that God is near.
Toben
i have been really struggling with where .god is for the las2 and a half years myself and I keep coming back to exactly the same thing I can't feel Him .Hedoesn't sm to be answering my prayers but, I have toteustthat .Hevis still thre and that He has a plan in al this even through all my complaining and ine- footed stomping If you Joann domplains to much... Trust me, I'm worse!
Posted by: heather Noce | June 18, 2013 at 10:44 AM
sorry, I type terribly now thatIcan only use my 'righthand. I meant to say, if you think Joann complains a lot, I'm much worse! And that las should be last
Posted by: heather Noce | June 18, 2013 at 10:53 AM
I've been concerned about you and your family. You seem in a very reflective mode. May I suggest that you need some down time, alone time, away time? A time, even if brief, where you are responsible only for yourself. A time to rest. A time to indulge yourself whether it is with sleep, food, activity, quiet, reading, prayer ...whatever. God will be there, too, and I believe your mind, body & spirit would benefit.
Posted by: GWen | June 18, 2013 at 11:48 AM
love it!!! God's wisdom is speaking through you:) I've been that feet stomping girl in the last few years too:(
Posted by: Tina Smith | June 18, 2013 at 01:16 PM
Still hoping you will write that book someday. Honest, heart wrenching words are needed and you always deliver, yet encourage and keep faith. Worth more than many sermons I've ever heard.
Posted by: nancy | June 19, 2013 at 05:44 AM
These are beautiful words. Probably so pretty to me because I GET IT. I get what you are saying. I have been mad and stomping before but those days are over. I am just tired but I'm leaning back on HIM. Toben, you have been through so much and I have been reading this blog since just before Joanne got hurt. I apologize for not sending one encouraging word. That was wrong. But I am reaching out today. I am right here to tell you that these words are wonderful and beautiful and many of us can relate to the feeling. Most of all God can relate and you are right, He will never leave your side. Just keep on keeping on. One day at a time. Some are good and some are bad and some are really really bad. Again, I get it. Prayers for whatever is heavy on your heart today. Prayers. Amen. Love, JP in IL
Posted by: Jen P. | June 19, 2013 at 09:06 AM
I follow your blog from afar, commiserating with you on the hard days, rejoicing with you on the good reports, and sharing family life together as I serve in ministry and raise my kids too. While I am no mental health expert, I would hazzard a guess what you are feeling its very normal. Stages of greiving and coping have ups and downs, and mostly I sense you are just tired. It's very difficult to see someone you love live a life that's different than what you expected, and where you have a limited ability to change things. God does always have a plan, though, and you are not alone as you can see from your many blog followers. Can I encourage you to read a book that might bring you encouragement? It is a auto-biography of a man I really respect. Here's a link to his blogsite, but you can also find his books on Amazon. http://johnstumbo.com/purchase-information-2/ His life was humming along fine when a still undiagnosed illness nearly killed him, and left him totally dependent for many, many months, unable to even swallow. The first book tells his story, the 2nd captures all his blog posts during the journey (much like what you are doing). Just this week he was elected president of our denomination (Christian & Missionary Alliance). What a journey God has led him on and through! Yours and Joanne's obviously won't look the same as John and Joanna's, but you might find some encouragement in their story. We will be continuing to pray for the peace that passes understanding to surround you and your family, and for you to have strength that only Jesus gives as you lead your family and shepherd your team.
Posted by: Lisa | June 19, 2013 at 10:18 AM
I have only been reading this blog since Joanne's stroke. So I don't know anything about your family prior to this. I do know that I always appreciate how honest you are. My husband passed away on March 22nd of this year. God and I aren't really on speaking terms..I'm sure he is speaking I'm just not ready to listen. I am listening to Him right now. I believe he spoke to me tonight through your blog. "Preach on, brother. The Truth is not always easy.
Posted by: Carol | June 19, 2013 at 06:33 PM
Thanks, Toben.
Posted by: Angie | June 23, 2013 at 03:35 PM
I 'get' what you are saying too. I'm also in a dark night of the soul as I process 15 tough years of serious medical issues in our family...and now the consequences of those years. As always, thank you for your honesty.
Posted by: Cheryl Veenstra | June 24, 2013 at 10:14 PM
Amen!
Posted by: Jennifer "InfertilityMom" Saake | June 26, 2013 at 06:57 PM
Toben,
Thank you for this post. Especially for sharing what Jonathan said to you. I needed to hear it.
Posted by: Sharon | July 12, 2013 at 01:58 PM