Looking Forward (Joanne)

Since having my stroke a little more than three years ago, I have spent most of my time looking back, wishing for life as it used to be.

i am slowly coming to realize that it will never be like it was before. Even if i were somehow physically resored to health, life has changed. i have changed, our family has changed. much has been lost that may never  be regained

 when I do look forward, I look far forward into eternity. I long for heaven, where all will be restored: perfect health perfect relationships, perfect contentment, perfect joy.

 looking forward to life here on earth feels like looking at a future of monotony, one day very much like the next, similar to yesterday and much like what tomorrow will be.

 yes, there are some variations: lunch with a friend, or coffee on a different day. a new book to read each day, a movie to discover, perhaps something different to wear.

 a few weeks ago I started reading Beth Moore's book, praying God's word. I read several chapters and was particularly struck by the chapter on overcoming despair caused by loss.  much of the chapter deals with loss resulting from the death of a loved one. yet I found much in the chapter that applied to me as well.  When I think of my stroke, I often think of it as  a thief-- something that stolen from me many of the things I care about-- my home, my cat, my favorite clothes and shoes, running, independence, my inability to do things like knit, crochet, hold the open the pages of a book, the ability to take care of myself and my family, in many ways, I feel like having a stroke stole my life and gave nothing in return.

 The thought of living a long life has no appeal to me anymore, in many ways I already feel like an  elderly person, dependents upon others for most of my needs.

 as I read the chapter on overcoming the speaker almost every day, one of the verses that has stood out to me the most is Psalm 27:13. it says" I would have despaired if I had not believed I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living." As I have paraphrased this into prayer it has become almost an hourly mantra" Lord, I do not want to lives in despair any longer; please hope me believe and have faith that I will see your goodness in the land of the living and that I do not need to wait until heaven to be happy again."

 there is also a paragraph or two in the chapter where Beth talks about the abundant life we are promised in John 10:10. She says that Jesus did not die to give us merely an existence, but a life of abundance filled with joy and filled to the full. There are days I desperately need to read this again and again. For there are many days in which I feel I am merely existing, not really living

 I do not believe that I am living the kind of abundant life that God has promised me, the life that Jesus died to give to me. but I long to live and not just exist

 however, I am not sure how to go about living such an abundant life in my own power, and so all I can do is pray for such a life, to believe that God is who he says he is; he can do all he says he can do; he fulfills his promises, and that because those things are true, I can realistically hope for an abundant life in the land of the living.

 please pray:

 for my faith to grow and be strong

 for my belief to stand firm

 for God to fulfill his promise of an abundant life for me

 for me not to dwell on the past, but to  look forward with hope

 thank you for your faithfulness and love. I love you back, even though I have yet to meet many of you face to face.

Joanne

 

 

Comments

[Joanne Heim]

Thank you, Pam!
J.

Sent from my iPhone

[Cindy M.]

Please update us -- it's been almost two months. We worry!

[Missy]

Hey Joanne, where are you? Write for us, please! A few sentences would help. We need your voice. What do you see when you open your eyes in the morning?

[traci]

Miss you joanne! I'd love to hear your heart girlfriend! ...raw...or revived ;).

[Joanne Heim]

Thank you!
J.

Sent from my iPhone

[Joanne Heim]

Thx!
J.

Sent from my iPhone

[Lori]

You have not lost your gift of writing, as I read your words and experienced your transparency I was moved and challenged. I am reminded that the things I despair over are so ridiculous and selfish and today you have challenged me through your words to "look for the goodness" of our Lord.
Praying for you Joanne. Use your gift of writing. I wrote very shortly after your stroke that I look forward to the day that I can come hear you speak at a huge womens conference and I am still waiting for that day.

[Carole]

Thinking of you, sweet girl... May you be filled with peace this Mother's Day.

Proverbs 31
28 Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her

29 Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.

30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

31 Honor her for all that her hands have done, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

[Deborah]

Just wanted you to know I'm praying for you on this Mother's Day--praying that you were able to have some good time with your girls, and praying for you and your aching heart if that wasn't possible. You are not forgotten, even when you are silent.

[Katie]

Hi! Someone just referred me here from my own blog. I was diagnosed with a brain tumor in May 2012 and suffered a massive stroke during surgery. I've recently started blogging about what I remember (or don't remember, as the case may be). I'm not sure if it will be of any comfort or help to you or your readers, but I am happy to have found you. www.missingmonthofmay.com

[Joanne Heim]

Thank you, carole!

Joanne Heim | Sent from my iPhone

[Joanne Heim]

Thank you!
J.

Joanne Heim | Sent from my iPhone

[Becky]

Remaining confident with you, that we will see the goodness of the Lord. Much love and many prayers.

[Joanne Heim]

Love you, friend!
J.

Joanne Heim | Sent from my iPhone

[Joanne Heim]

Thank you!
J.

Joanne Heim | Sent from my iPhone

[Shannon O]

Dear Joanne,
I love reading your blog posts. I developed a vocal disorder 14 years ago that often makes it hard for me to speak. It has taken me quite some time to make peace with my disorder. I too felt like so much was taken away. I love reading your posts and being able to identify with your emotions although I know your stroke has made things so much harder on you. I pray that this will be the year that God restores your job and your relationship with your girls. Your words are amazing. I was wondering if you could write letters to all those you love - letters with all the thoughts that may be difficult for you to express vocally. If your girls (and other family members) love to read, then I know they will love reading your thoughts. It is so hard to have a fully functioning brain, but struggle to outwardly express your thoughts. Tell stories about your childhood. Give advice for the future. Express love through words on paper.

With love,
Shannon

[Shannon O]

Oops! I meant restore your joy not job.

[Joanne Heim]

Thank you!
J.

Joanne Heim | Sent from my iPhone

[kimberly]

You are missed and loved!!!

[Joanne Heim]

As are you!
J.

Joanne Heim | Sent from my iPhone

[Robin Good]

I pray for your continued healing, not just your body, but your heart, and soul. Forgiveness and love are just about all a person needs, but those are easy words to say, harder to live. Seems we always want to judge everything; I'm good, I'm bad, I'm capable, I'm incompetent, I'm smart, I'm good at X, I'm bad at X. It is hard for us to accept and love and forgive ourselves, to be actually who we are day to day, with all the limitations that might bring. I am grateful and thank Jesus for your blog and the documentation of your journey. You don't know the end of the story. You're just beginning your journey, so I guess that is where faith comes in. You like to read. You are writing your own story, and this chapter is just beginning, and when this one concludes, you can go on to the next. Sometimes it seems so scary and bad and it doesn't make sense. When that happens to me, I try to count my blessings-- for the breath in my lungs, and my heart beating within my chest, and my capacity to love with all its confusion and mystery. What would life be with out it? Struggle takes many forms. From what I read here, you are one heck of a fighter. We all need to rest too. Love will find a way. Let go and let God. (and thank you for this beautiful documentation and your family. You testify to the vast, omnipotent power of God working through us and our relationships of love) --- on a side note. If you look at this stroke as your 'enemy' there is a bit of wisdom that taught me a lot, it goes; 'Thank your enemies for they teach you much about yourself' and if you look at the stroke as a 'teacher' maybe you can find something in that. I just have to say thank you, thank you, thank you ... .all of you. :-)

[Joanne Heim]

Thank you!
J.

Joanne Heim | Sent from my iPhone

[Chris]

Dear Joanne,
You are on my 'ongoing prayers list'!!! As I've told you in the past, I followed you and bought all your books. Let me encourage you to write another. You are an expert on the topic of loss. You can help others and maybe help yourself through writing!! Your books (Living Simply and Misplacing God) sit on my LR table! I have some tucked away for my daughter. You are thought of and prayed for more than you know!

[Joanne Heim]

Thank you!
J.

Joanne Heim | Sent from my iPhone

[pam]

Dearest Joanne,
Please write - you are loved and missed - you are being lifted up daily in prayer - just one word, one sentence, one move forward.
Pam

[Joanne Heim]

Thank you. Post coming soon.
J.

Joanne Heim | Sent from my iPhone

[amy]

Praying for you this morning, beautiful Joanne. I can only imagine how much you miss pre-stroke life. Goodness, I miss your pre-stroke life simply because I enjoyed reading your words here so much. God is good all the time, but oh my can it be hard here. I'm praying for new joys, new perspectives, new peace, new goodness. You are an inspiration just by being authentic you. Just wanted you to know I thought of you and lifted you up on this August morning.