Joanne Heim

Living in paradox

I know the dictionary definition of paradox pretty well--

    "a proposition that seems self-contradictory or absurd but in reality expresses a possible truth." (dictionary.com)

And I'm comfortable with the concept for the most part.

But I am now living in  paradox and...well..., it's not so comfortable after all. Why?

Because the paradox in which I find myself is a tricky one.  It's MINE - something with which I've long wrestled and struggled.  (My MISSION Community Church Psalm 23 girls will know this already about me)-the teeter-totter balance between dependence and self-sufficiency is not one Ihandle well.

Self-sufficiency and independence?  I sure like the sound of those.  I'm comfortable with them.  I likethem.  Do I want to have it all together and handle life on my own?  You betcha!  What's not to love about that?

And YET - God calls us - calls me to a life of dependence, a life of abiding and relying and resting on and in him alone. And not just for some things.  But for ALL things.

Truth is, I really don't like being dependent - not one little bit.  It makes me feel uncomfortable and weak.  Out of control and scared, well--freaked out, really.

But I want it too.  Because I know that God wants it for me.

So much of life after stroke is about dependence.  I require help with so many things and needto be grateful in the being helped by and being dependent on others.

At the same time, much of life afterstroke is about independence too - learning and working to gain skills and abilitites that were lost.  It's a weird tension to carry--being gracious and accepting of such dependence while alsostriving for and looking toward independence.  The balance is hard to achieve and unpredictable and unexpected ups and downs are frequent and disorienting at times.  Gaining independence while also being dependent is absurd, and yet isalso a possible truth according to the dictionary, anyway.

A paradox - learning to rest on both sides of the teeter-totter while doing my best not to fall off.  It's going to take some time and prayer to maintain and eventually thrive here...

I know that so many of you pray for me already. It is a wonderful, encouraging and humbling blessing to me.  

With love and gratitude too big for mere words on a computer screen,

Joanne

 

 

     

A Quick update on life

I tried to sit down and blog just a bit ago, but could not remember how to get the microphone to work with my dictation software.  I considered one-finger typing, but knew I wouldn't have the patience for that - despite a sermon this morning about patience!  So I pulled out my clipboard and a good pen and decided to write a post by hand and then ask Mom to type it for me (Thanks, Mom!)

I know I always write that I miss blogging and promise to be more consistent in the future.  But I haven't .  I'm sorry.

Today - this one time - I will claim technical difficulties as my excure!  Grrr...!

For the rest of the blog-less summer, I'll go with busyness - moving, camping, getting settled, finding a new routine and a new normal.

I normally think that busyness is a lame excuse, and I still do.  In fact, I feel totally lame for saying I've been too busy to blog.  Urgh.  Yuck.  But it's done now, so on to the rest...

We are mostly settled in our home and it is great!  I love it!  I've found a lot more independence and general ease in day-to-day life and routine.

I'm just about completely independent in the bathroom and need Mom only to dry my back after my shower every night--it's pretty tough to do with only one hand!

We have quite a full routine...bedtime is a wonderful time of the day after lots of activity!

On Mondays, I attend an art therapy group at the Rocky Mountain Stroke Center.  We talk and paint or draw and generally hang out all morning.

On Tuesdays, I go to a PT group and come home exhausted.  I'm working on balance a lot.  Standing up straight with head,shoulders, hips, knees and feet aligned is harder than I remember it being.  Last week I rode a stationary bike a bit - lots of balancing required to stay upright-- it got my heart pumping and felt like real exercise!

On Wednesdays, Dad drives me down to Colorado Springs for my weekly counseling appointment.  We stop for lunch on the way home and tend to go somewhere with good onion rings!

On Thursday mornings, Mom and I go to Bible study at a local church.  We are on week 4 of Children of the Day and look forward to seeing Beth on screen every week.  Thursday afternoons alternate between a massage and warm water PT class.  I prefer massage therapy above all other choices!

Fridays are mostly free and a good day for being with friends - coffee, breakfast, lunch, or just hanging out.

Weekends include our small group from church twice a month, and Sundays are full with church, teaching Sunday School with Dad (we now have Middle School students--we've been promoted!), and relaxing, and rest.

There is time in our weeks for things like the local symphony orchestra, a movie night here and there, book reading, and everyday tasks and such.

Life is full - and good!

My stamina is increasing little by little - which is necessary just to keep up with the calendar.  Like everyone else, I could use more energy!  

I do post regular updatesand photos on Facebook(Joanne Heim) and Twitter(@joanneheim) with more everday kinds of things.

Love to all,

Joanne :)

P.S.  Hi Diane ;)