I know the dictionary definition of paradox pretty well--
"a proposition that seems self-contradictory or absurd but in reality expresses a possible truth." (dictionary.com)
And I'm comfortable with the concept for the most part.
But I am now living in paradox and...well..., it's not so comfortable after all. Why?
Because the paradox in which I find myself is a tricky one. It's MINE - something with which I've long wrestled and struggled. (My MISSION Community Church Psalm 23 girls will know this already about me)-the teeter-totter balance between dependence and self-sufficiency is not one Ihandle well.
Self-sufficiency and independence? I sure like the sound of those. I'm comfortable with them. I likethem. Do I want to have it all together and handle life on my own? You betcha! What's not to love about that?
And YET - God calls us - calls me to a life of dependence, a life of abiding and relying and resting on and in him alone. And not just for some things. But for ALL things.
Truth is, I really don't like being dependent - not one little bit. It makes me feel uncomfortable and weak. Out of control and scared, well--freaked out, really.
But I want it too. Because I know that God wants it for me.
So much of life after stroke is about dependence. I require help with so many things and needto be grateful in the being helped by and being dependent on others.
At the same time, much of life afterstroke is about independence too - learning and working to gain skills and abilitites that were lost. It's a weird tension to carry--being gracious and accepting of such dependence while alsostriving for and looking toward independence. The balance is hard to achieve and unpredictable and unexpected ups and downs are frequent and disorienting at times. Gaining independence while also being dependent is absurd, and yet isalso a possible truth according to the dictionary, anyway.
A paradox - learning to rest on both sides of the teeter-totter while doing my best not to fall off. It's going to take some time and prayer to maintain and eventually thrive here...
I know that so many of you pray for me already. It is a wonderful, encouraging and humbling blessing to me.
With love and gratitude too big for mere words on a computer screen,
Joanne
One phrase keeps sticking out.... Learning to rest.
You spoke to this heart sweet one.
Posted by: Oceanmomy | October 21, 2014 at 03:16 PM
You are brilliant. A shining light. His own beloved, one of a kind. I love you... And your magnificent, God- loving self. See you on Friday, my friend! We've got a picnic to have!
Posted by: Holly Smith | October 21, 2014 at 03:41 PM
So good to see you post again!!!
Praying from WA State.
-Erin
Posted by: Erin | October 21, 2014 at 04:14 PM
I love when you post. More, please. Love you.
Posted by: Sooz | October 21, 2014 at 04:55 PM
I love you so stinking much.
Posted by: Marla Taviano | October 21, 2014 at 06:33 PM
Joanne, I have followed you since your stroke. I am excited to refer you to a book written by Jill Vance Viggiano, the wife of a stroke survivor. They are now 6+ years out and on a new journey as inspirational Christian speakers re: their journey after a devastating stroke. You may really like their story, available on Amazon. You probably would zip through it in an afternoon, hearing from you how much you read. They are a safe and loving Christian couple here in Oregon and members of my church. Blessings as you navigate your paradox.
Nancy
Posted by: Nancy Berentson Espinoza | October 21, 2014 at 08:23 PM
The book: Painful Blessings, Jill Vance Viggiano
Posted by: Nancy Berentson Espinoza | October 21, 2014 at 08:23 PM
Yes, I am praying for your journey! (((hug)))
Posted by: Lisa Craddock | October 21, 2014 at 08:35 PM
Great to read a wonderfully written and thought provoking Joanne blog post. Keep them coming!
Posted by: Michelle Lawson | October 21, 2014 at 10:58 PM
I think of you often, Joanne. Most of all, I think you are BRAVE. Continuing to pray!
Posted by: Deidre | October 22, 2014 at 06:04 AM
Joanne, you are a skilled communicator and a fine Christian. Please know that you are helping many of us with your posts.
Posted by: Melanie - NJ | October 22, 2014 at 06:22 AM
Love to see words from you. This message resonates. Prayers for you from Toronto!
Posted by: erin | October 22, 2014 at 07:57 AM
I'm sad that God allowed you to have a stroke, but so grateful that He did not take that powerful writing voice of yours away. So grateful to hear from you, and see His grace in you. However, I can only imagine living this paradox isn't anything you would choose. Nor would I wish it on you or anyone. Yet, here you are, sharing your own life lessons and blessing us all with them. Hugs and prayers, friend.
Posted by: gretchen | October 22, 2014 at 10:08 AM
Oh so happy to see a post from you. Your words blessed me today! I continue to pray for you. "Learning to rest" in Him is a challenge we all must take. Thanks again
Posted by: Julie Reynolds | October 22, 2014 at 10:42 AM
Hi Honey
Your amazing x
Lots of love hugs and blessings x
Posted by: ruthy :) | October 23, 2014 at 07:19 AM
Joanne,
I understand your paradox. I understand your desire for independence, it's what we have sought our whole lives. But, I want you to understand that you are an INSPIRATION. To think of the lives that you are now impacting that seemed almost untouchable a few years ago, because of your health status change. You are making a difference. You are an encouragement and you are LOVED. You are a child of the KING.
Prayers for you,
Brandi
Posted by: Brandi Luiz | October 25, 2014 at 12:10 PM
I've missed your posts immensely! I too was in a paradox patiently waiting for you to post that you were okay and thriving; and you are doing just that! Lol! I am so glad you have found a new normal and, most importantly, it is a normal you orchestrated (with you family's input) and have accepted as your own! Now that's powerful, courageous, and sooo God-like! I love you and will continue to thank God for you!
With God's love,
Meisha
Yonkers, NY
Posted by: Meisha | October 30, 2014 at 01:16 PM