Joanne Heim

Looking Forward (Joanne)

Since having my stroke a little more than three years ago, I have spent most of my time looking back, wishing for life as it used to be.

i am slowly coming to realize that it will never be like it was before. Even if i were somehow physically resored to health, life has changed. i have changed, our family has changed. much has been lost that may never  be regained

 when I do look forward, I look far forward into eternity. I long for heaven, where all will be restored: perfect health perfect relationships, perfect contentment, perfect joy.

 looking forward to life here on earth feels like looking at a future of monotony, one day very much like the next, similar to yesterday and much like what tomorrow will be.

 yes, there are some variations: lunch with a friend, or coffee on a different day. a new book to read each day, a movie to discover, perhaps something different to wear.

 a few weeks ago I started reading Beth Moore's book, praying God's word. I read several chapters and was particularly struck by the chapter on overcoming despair caused by loss.  much of the chapter deals with loss resulting from the death of a loved one. yet I found much in the chapter that applied to me as well.  When I think of my stroke, I often think of it as  a thief-- something that stolen from me many of the things I care about-- my home, my cat, my favorite clothes and shoes, running, independence, my inability to do things like knit, crochet, hold the open the pages of a book, the ability to take care of myself and my family, in many ways, I feel like having a stroke stole my life and gave nothing in return.

 The thought of living a long life has no appeal to me anymore, in many ways I already feel like an  elderly person, dependents upon others for most of my needs.

 as I read the chapter on overcoming the speaker almost every day, one of the verses that has stood out to me the most is Psalm 27:13. it says" I would have despaired if I had not believed I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living." As I have paraphrased this into prayer it has become almost an hourly mantra" Lord, I do not want to lives in despair any longer; please hope me believe and have faith that I will see your goodness in the land of the living and that I do not need to wait until heaven to be happy again."

 there is also a paragraph or two in the chapter where Beth talks about the abundant life we are promised in John 10:10. She says that Jesus did not die to give us merely an existence, but a life of abundance filled with joy and filled to the full. There are days I desperately need to read this again and again. For there are many days in which I feel I am merely existing, not really living

 I do not believe that I am living the kind of abundant life that God has promised me, the life that Jesus died to give to me. but I long to live and not just exist

 however, I am not sure how to go about living such an abundant life in my own power, and so all I can do is pray for such a life, to believe that God is who he says he is; he can do all he says he can do; he fulfills his promises, and that because those things are true, I can realistically hope for an abundant life in the land of the living.

 please pray:

 for my faith to grow and be strong

 for my belief to stand firm

 for God to fulfill his promise of an abundant life for me

 for me not to dwell on the past, but to  look forward with hope

 thank you for your faithfulness and love. I love you back, even though I have yet to meet many of you face to face.

Joanne

 

 

Reading.... (Joanne)

 Anyone who knows me at all knows that I love to read. Reading is one of my very favorite things to do. I have loved books for as long as I can remember. Since my stroke, my love of books has been transferred to my Kindle. Reading an actual book is difficult for me to do. I have a hard time holding the book, turning pages, and not dropping it all on the floor.   a candle. Or, on the other hand, is perfect for me. I can hold it easily in just one hand and use only in my  thumb to turn the page. I spend hours reading every day, Averaging at least one  book per day, something that has been standard for me for many years. I read quickly and when I get lost in a book, I read even more quickly.

 It is not uncommon for people to ask me what it is that I am reading on any given day.

 My original Kindle asked me to rate each title as I finished it, and then posted an update to twitter. My new Kindle fire does not and I do not always take the time to post an update when I finish a book, so I thought that today I would do a quick general update on what I have been reading over the past week or so.

 I read for entertainment and to escape, so I do not often read books about people whose lives are similar to my own.

 I' much prefer to escape into a life unlike my own where I can do things that are out of the realm of my everyday life. I love action/ adventure/ spy thriller kinds of books where I can travel the globe, fast rope from a helicopter, jump out of an airplane, or in live an undercover and dangerous life filled with adrenaline and excitement

In the past few days I have discovered a series of books by Stephen Frey about a black ops group called Red Cell 7. I am on the second book in the series and expect I will read the rest of the series over the weekend.

I have also always enjoyed young adult fiction, making a point to read most of the Newbery Award winners. In the past few weeks I read all of Rick Riordan's Percey Jackson books as well as his Heros' of Olympus series.  Again, it's fun to escape and live in a world of Greek mythologie.

Another great young adult series is the I Am Number 4 books by Pittacus Lore.

Years ago I read The Giver and Gathering Blue by Lois Lowry. This week I discovered two more books in the series and quicly read them. These are books I plan to recommend to Emma who has suggested I read Scott Westerfeld's The Uglies series--books she was assigned to read for school and thoroughy loved. After reading the first book she told me "Mom, I really like distopian literature." Lois Lowry's The GIve Quartet would definitely fit that catagory.

For now I plan to finish the Red Cell 7 series books before finding something knew (I do have an e-copy of THe Book Theif on hold at the library and am waiting for it to become avaialable.

I am always lookign for great books to read. Have you read anything wonderful lately. If so please tell my about it and comment.

Thank you!

Joanne

P.S. Happy weekend and GO BRONCOS!!!

Testing testing

 Tobenworked hard this morning to install Dragon dictates on my new computer. Capital it's took a bit longer than expected

But after going through the tutorial and playing around with it some, I think I have just about figured out how to use it to blog.

 the good thing is that I cannot hear myself through the headset that is attached to the microphone. I think that would drive me absolutely crazy!

I am excited to see how this will work; it will take me a while to get used to speaking a blog post instead of typing or writing it

my voice is still not quite back to normal and I sound funny to myself – sort of like I'm coming down with a cold. I do not talk a lot most days so my voice often feels scratchy. I have cleared my throat once or twice so far and nothing strange showed up in what is being typed, so that is good.

I have always felt more comfortable expressing myself through my fingers as I type rather than speaking off-the-cuff typing gives me extra time to process exactly what I want to say

luckily, I have never been one to hem and haw or say um a lot while I am speaking, which would show up as I dictate

I do realize that while dictating with this software I cannot talk to myself out loud, which may turn out to be a good thing since it would give everyone reading I look into my crazy self :-)

a quick update on the rest of life: school started for the girls this week and the week has gone  Well.

I have also learned that I cannot talk  to anyone else in the room while dictating or it inserts part of that conversation into my dictation.

D Dragon is not recognizing then names of my family, so I willneed to teach it how to spell the girls' names as well as all of my other friends and family.

I do think I have the hang of this for the most part, so I am going to click publish and see what happens.

Have a terrific Friday and happy weekend to all of you.

More soon,

love, Joa gonne

Testing testing

 worked hard this morning to install Dragon dictates on my new computer. Capital it's took a bit longer than expected

But after going through the tutorial and playing around with it some, I think I have just about figured out how to use it to blog.

 the good thing is that I cannot hear myself through the headset that is attached to the microphone. I think that would drive me absolutely crazy!

I am excited to see how this will work; it will take me a while to get used to speaking a blog post instead of typing or writing it

my voice is still not quite back to normal and I sound funny to myself – sort of like I'm coming down with a cold. I do not talk a lot most days so my voice often feels scratchy. I have cleared my throat once or twice so far and nothing strange showed up in what is being typed, so that is good.

I have always felt more comfortable expressing myself through my fingers as I type rather than speaking off-the-cuff typing gives me extra time to process exactly what I want to say

luckily, I have never been one to hem and haw or say um a lot while I am speaking, which would show up as I dictate

I do realize that while dictating with this software I cannot talk to myself out loud, which may turn out to be a good thing since it would give everyone reading I look into my crazy self :-)

a quick update on the rest of life: school started for the girls this week and the week has gone  Well.

I have also learned that I cannot talk  to anyone else in the room while dictating or it inserts part of that conversation into my dictation.

D Dragon is not recognizing then names of my family, so I willneed to teach it how to spell the girls' names as well as all of my other friends and family.

I do think I have the hang of this for the most part, so I am going to click publish and see what happens.

Have a terrific Friday and happy weekend to all of you.

More soon,

love, Joa gonne

Update (Joanne)

I got a new computer! A good friend surprised me on New Years with a MacBook Air and Dragon dictation software. Toben has made my new computer look just like my old one with a little help for the Genius Bar at the Apple Store. 

Today we are working on getting Dragon installed. With Dragon I'll be able to do everythign on my computer by voice command: blog, email, facebook. It's going to be very cool. 

Yesterday we went to church. I had been going with my mother-in-love on Sunday afternoons to a contemplative service, but the church moved it to Thursdays at 12:15. So it's been a while since I've made it. It was good to be there yesterday. Especially with Toben there too. 

Tomorrow I'm having breakfast with a few friends. It is January 11th which marks my three year strokeaversary. In many ways it feels so much longer--three eternities at least. 

On Monday I have an appointment with my physiatrist, that's the fancy name for a recovery doctor. I haven't seen him in well over a year so we're just checking in. We have a list of questions about medication, therapies, and future doctor visits. Please pray he keeps the needles locked up--he's the needle-happy doctor. And once agian I have a no needle policy for the new year. I'm prepared to hide under a chair or run down the hallway if neccesary. Toben's going with me so I will have a hand to hold in an emergency :)

Thank you for all the comments, email and feedback from my last post before Christmas. Christmas ended up being a lovely, chaotic time. And I came back to the Springs feeling surprisingly rested. 

That's all the news for now. I will be sure to post something after my doctor's appointment using my new software which should be up and running by then.

Thank you Toben for being my typist today.

Joanne

So this is Christmas (Joanne)

Christmas has always been my most very favorite time of year – always.  However, I’ve had a difficult time mustering much Christmas spirit since my stroke.

            Instead, Christmas has become a difficult time of year for me.  Joy is elusive, sorrow and regret are all too near.  Instead of savoring the season, I sit and dream of how it used to be –

            This afternoon, mom, dad and I are headed to Winter Park to Wade and Kristen’s house, where we’ll be with Wade’s family too.  All thirteen of us will squeeze around her farm table to eat, on the couch to watch movies by the fire, around the tree tomorrow morning to open gifts.  It’s going to be loud and crazy and fun!

            And yet, I’m holding back my excitement. Why?  I laid in bed this morning for more than an hour, talking to God about it and noodling out an answer.

            No epiphany struck, but I figured out something:  I am uncomfortable with a Christmas of only receiving.  I’m coming to Christmas this year empty-handed, bankrupt, and able only to sit and be served rather than to stand and give.  I much prefer being the giver to being the receiver.  Being a receiver only is unbalanced, uncomfortable and humbling.

            I want to come to Christmas bearing exquisite hand-made gifts and food, the ability to serve others and wash dishes, clean the floors, and pitch in to help.  Instead, I will receive gifts; accept the service of others.  On the surface it sounds idyllic and even nice.  But underneath, I feel unworthy, uncomfortable, broken, scared.  The imbalance, the inequality is unstable and makes me feel prone to motion sickness.

            And so it is with grace.  Rather than resting in it, I find myself keeping score, grasping for ideas to balance the scales.  I come to God with empty hands, completely dependent and in need of everything.  I cannot strike a balance or find equality – there is none to be had.

            So this is grace.  This is salvation, this is Christmas.  I come empty, broken, humble, alone, off balance and unsure.  I can do no more than receive and be grateful.

            Toben and the girls are in Colorado Springs, so we will not be together for Christmas.  This too causes some instability, the inability to catch my balance, the wobbly feeling of unsteadiness, the strange roller-coaster twinge in my stomach.

            Yes, grace is amazing – it cannot be earned, repaid, or reciprocated.  It can only be received.  And that makes it uncomfortable at times.

            Lord God, let me be a gracious receiver this Christmas.  Let me overflow with gratitude and love for you, for my family.  O Jesus, teach me to be still and to accept, to see the beauty in the discomfort.

            “Nothing in my hands I bring, simply to the cross I cling.”

Merry Christmas

With love,

Joanne

Long time, No Blog: Here’s why (Joanne)

Dear Blog,

First, I miss you.  I miss the daily routine of getting my thoughts down.  (I do journal from time to time, but have struggled to be consistent.  I need to work on that!)

 First, my computer died.   And second, I still have zero no of my left arm and cannot type.  One-handed typing is very difficult!

Third, “If you don’t have anything nice to say (fill in the blank).  I have not had much to say that wouldn’t quickly turn into a laundry list of complaints and woes.  While I am medicated for depression, I remain depressed and can’t see over the edge of the pit on many days. I’m tired of taking so many pills – 30+ per day L.   At the risk of doing some complaining, here’s an update on life:

* Life is hard and added to not sleeping well, I have very little energy for much activity.

* My recovery is at quite a standstill.  I am not doing any therapy and so I’m not making any progress to report.  I’m glad to have a break – especially since I’m so tired.

* Parenting has been a supreme challenge -  I feel like I’ve lost my motherhood.  I have very little interaction with the girls per their request.  I miss them terribly and am deeply discouraged.

* Toben lost his job – Family Talk did not renew his contract after losing a major donor and he is busy searching for a new job.  We are filing bankruptcy in the next few weeks.  This scares me badly.

* We are still living with Toben’s parents in Colorado Springs.   I love my “in-loves” deeply, but I miss having my own home.  I miss my stuff – my treasures that made our house home.

* We put the cats up for adoption and Joey and Pumpkin have both been adopted into new families (who I pray love them as much as I did).  They hated being kenneled month after month so I do know for certain that they are happier not to be in kitty jail, but my heart still hurts when I think of them.

* I have been spending lots of time in Denver with my parents, coming up for a week or so at a time here and there to be spoiled and loved and to give Toben a break as my caregiver day in and out.

 I do get to see my friends in Denver while I am here.  But I cannot bring myself to go past our house.  It would undo me and I am afraid of being undone.

 I just re-read the last post I wrote in January.  I’m afraid my Scripture memory is not going particularly well.  Mostly, I try to remember promises I’ve learned in the past, turning them into “God, You said…” kinds of prayers.

 Thank you for your continued prayers and encouragement – you brighten my day through Facebook and Twitter so often.

 

Please pray

1.        For a Job for Toben (one with good benefits would be sprinkles on the frosting on the cake).

2.       For my relationship with the girls.  I want so much to shower love on them, yet I also want to respect their desire for some distance.  It hurts and I am sad. 

3.       For the girls.  They are doing well for the most part – dealing well with school and friends.  I would dearly love for Audrey to have a big sister/mentor in her life to pour into her, to love on her, to be her friend.

4.       For my sleep.  I go to bed tired, wake up tired, lay awake in the night tired.  I am not active but I am worn out a lot.

5.       As I read this, I see I am afraid a lot.  One of the Psalms says, “When I am afraid, I will trust in you”?  I need help to do this more!  I do trust you, Lord; help me trust you more!

 I am in Denver now, so many thanks to my Dad for typing this for me!  And for loving me so unconditionally and well.

 I’m headed back to Colorado Springs on Wednesday and we will spend Thanksgiving there.

 My goal and desire is to blog more regularly.  So I hope to “see” you again soon.

 With love and many thanks for your love and care,

Joanne

Weekend in Snowmass (Toben)

Audrey and I, as a gift from my folks, came to Snowmass for the weekend. For those of you who don't know, Snowmass is right outside of Aspen. It is a cool little resort town and we are staying at the Westin, which we found on Priceline for a killer deal. The hotel is so nice! For the price I was expecting something a lot more basic, but this place  is beautiful. 

We drove almost 5 hours to get here yesterday because of some bad construction traffic on I70. But we stopped in Vail for lunch and then pushed on through. I guess we were here by about 3:00.

Oh, I forgot to mention that we stopped at Denver Children's Hospital on the way to see Audrey friend Sorcha who has Cystic Fibrosis. She has been in there a week or 10 days. Audrey spent the night up there in the middle of last week and wanted to see her again before she discharges on Monday or Tuesday. So we got a little bit later start than I anticipated.But no big deal. THis is Audrey's 15th birthday trip and so she's the boss. 

THe real reason for coming to Snowmass was to see if we could find Hunter S. Thompson's house. He was a famous and gifted writer that Audrey and I both love. He had a house in Woody Creek and that is right across the highway from where we are staying. So to start off we had dinner at the Woody Creek Tavern, which was his local hangout. And then using satellite imaging, we tracked down his home. The iPhone is amazing! I have to admit I got a little chill when we found it. To be at the place where so many wild adventures happened, so many stars visited and so many books and articles were written was pretty cool. I am usually not like that, but it was a a bit of a rush.

Got back to the hotel and Audrey went to the pool to finish her book after the mandatory jump on the bed. For as long as we have been coming to motels, AUdrey has always made it a practice to jump on the bed. Not sure why other then the fact that she can't do so at home so she takes advantage of her opportunity on the road. She cam back and took a shower before we headed to the bar for "second dinner." 

Second Dinner is sort of a thing with our family. We tend to eat dinner early so by 10 or 11 everyone is hungry again. So we went down and ate a bite before turning in.

I am up early. There is a Starbucks downstairs so I am enjoying a Venti coffee and writing this post. Audrey is still sacked out--she may be for a while. We will make a leisurely departure whenever she gets up and will arrive back in the Springs sometime this afternoon. No hurry!

Joanne is at Kristen's cabin in Winter Park with Kristen's family and her mom. I talked to Joanne last night and she is doing really well. This is officially the longest period of time we have been apart since the stroke. Feels weird but I think it's good. Emma ont he other hand is with my folk and getting spoiled! They went to P.F. Chang's for dinner which is Emma's favorite and then to the Apple store where Emma acted as jr. sales rep and tried to get mom into an iPad and dad into a new iPhone. That kid knows and loves her Apple products. 

Funny story: dad was trying to move some files around his iMac and the two of us were ahving a terrible time figuring out how to do it. Emma popped ina dn told us how to do it and I told her she was nuts; that it would never work. Well, we tried it and it worked! Major foot in mouth for me. That kid is Mac savvy!

I guess that's about it. We have a lot of school activities this week getting ready to start on the 19th.  Can't believe the summer is almost over!

Toben

Where's it Going! (Toben)

It's AUGUST!!! What in the world has happened to the summer! It feels like it is winding down already and I am not happy about it. I know it is coming to an end because the number of emails I'm getting from the school district has skyrocketed. It's like the staff has had to come back to work and they are making up for two months worth of lost communication all at once. Literally I had 10 messages in my inbox from District 20. The funny thing about it is that about 1 in 3 of the emails is a correction to a previous email. I have no idea how to keep it all straight. All I know is that the girls have registration sometime around the end of the second week of the month, and school starts about a week after that. Wow! I am not a great parent when it comes to school and schedules. No one will ask me to be on the PTA.

But this month is going to be pretty awesome. Audrey and I are going to Aspen and Emma and I are going to Winter Park. I am so excited to get one on one time with my girls! It is great to have these trips to look forward to.

Are you like that? Does having something to look forward to give you a little psychological boost? 

Totally off topic: My mom and I have made it a challenge to cook as little indoors as possible. There is no air conditioning in our house so we try to do everything on the grill outside. It has a burner on it so we can even cook side dishes out there. Last night when we were adding it up it came out that we cooked 5 of our last 7 meals outdoors. So I do the grilling and my mom takes care of the rest. I set the table and get the drinks put on and the girls usually play some role in getting the table ready for dinner. But it is seriously a well-oiled machine. Pretty cool! And we keep the house cool to boot.

I am ready for the weekend!

Toben

 

Long Time, No Blog! (Toben)

Summer is a great season for taking a little time off, and that is what has happened with the blog. With the kids at home there is less and less time to sit down and write these posts, but as I anticipate the coming of the new school year (and the new routine that goes with it) I will get back on the ball with posting. 

Feels like so much has happened int he  past weeks but I will look forward and tell you what we have coming up:

I am going to take each of the girls on an overnight; just the two of us. Audrey has a birthday on the 9th and my parents offered her a room night in a hotel at a location of her choosing. She chose Aspen--the kid has taste! Actually we are going to stay in Snowmass. One of Audrey's favorite authors spent much of his time in Aspen and wrote about his mis-adventures there so we are going to explore. We want to see his house, the memorial that was built when he died and we are going to eat in his favorite local tavern. To be honest I am most excited for the drive. It is about 4 hours to get there which means I will have Audrey in an enclosed space for a total of eight hours. We always tend to have our best conversations in the car. 

Later in the month, for my birthday, Emma and I are going back to Winter Park. Emma is a little less adventurous than Audrey and she is happy to return to the comfortable surroundings of Joanne's sisters vacation house there. We are going to play video games and eat a steak (Emma's two requests). Again, the drive will be the highlight for me. Of course I do like a good steak!

Joanne is reading up a storm this summer averaging about a book a day! She is taking a little time here and there to watch a movie. She watched The Hunger Games yesterday and gave it a thumbs up. She is going to go to Winter Park when Audrey and I go to Aspen. The house there is really set up well for her. She can get around just fine. Of course with her being there and Audrey and I being in Aspen it will be the longest we have gone without seeing each other since the stroke. As I think back on it the longest time up to this point that we have gone without being together is probably 12 hours at the maximum and that only a few times. That's going to feel weird!

The girls went with Kristen (Jo's sister) to the top of Pikes Peak yesterday on the train. Sounds like they had fun although Audrey was looking forward to a ride that was a bit more exhilarating than the eight miles per hour that the train actually travels at. But she was able to buy cotton candy at the summit so she was pleased. It was awfully nice of Kristen to take them and they had a blast with their three cousins.

I guess that's about it. 

Toben

Change of Perspective (Toben)

Very, very long story short: my sister is in the hospital for a drug overdose. This is my oldest sister, not my younger one. She is a drug addict and has schizophrenia. She has been in the hospital for about 10 days now. I'm not going to go into all the details but she has lived a very hard life, and drugs and alcohol have been a big part of it. I hadn't seen her in years but when she was in ICU I felt like I needed to visit her. She was in bad shape.

Joanne and I visited her yesterday and she was still pretty loopy--possible brain damage from the overdose. She kept asking for vodka and pot--obviously two things she isn't going to get. She was very agitated and kept talking about how she was going to "break out of this place." She is in no shape to do that--still has pneumonia, can't walk on her own, can't feed herself, etc. Apparently yesterday after we left she became combative and violent and had to be out in restraints. What a mess. 

I have hesitated to write about this because it's such a complicated relationship and situation. But I will just pass it along just so that you can be in prayer for our family. As I am able I will write in more detail but it is a little too close to home at this point. 

Toben

1000 MPH (Toben)

Question 1: How do you go from the craziness of your day to slowing down once your multi-tasks are done and your to-do list is all crossed off (if that ever happens)? I know some of you so don't pretend like you don't have crazy days! I am looking for ideas.

Question 2: If you had one piece of advice for the dad of a 14 year old girl what would it be? Don't get me wrong; I love parenting Audrey. But I would be curious for those of you that have raised girls or can remember what you needed to hear when you were 14 what would it be? Again, just looking for ideas.

OK. Now I am going to do these two things the best I can: give Audrey a little TLC and transition from the busyness of the day to whatever comes next.

Toben

Off to a Great Start (Toben)

As I write this I am sitting on the couch in Kristen and Wade's cabin in Winter Park. It is a little chilly in here so I put a fire in the wood burning stove. It is warm out but not hot so we will warm up a bit in here and then the sun should take over from there. I have Beethoven on Pandora and a fresh Diet Coke close at hand. Joanne is on the other end of the couch with her Kindle. I think this is about as good as life gets.

Of course I would trade Beethoven for my favorite Pandora channel--Hawaiian music. I am crazy for it! It reminds me of our trips to Kauai so many years ago. But Joanne HATES it! So I promised her a Hawaiian music free weekend.

But wait, it gets better! Emma brought her friend Madie with her this weekend. Madie is the daughter of one of Joanne's dear high school friends--Kelly Chipman (Gandy). Madie and Emma made friends without even really knowing that their moms were so close in school. Madie is a GREAT kid. Just the kind of friend you would want for your own child. Anyhow, Madie came up with us.

And so did Audrey. Now on our last trip to W.P. Audrey stayed home. Add I think she actually enjoyed the one-on-one time with my folks and Emma always likes it when she can play "only child." But Audrey wanted to come along this time. The cool thing is that Madie and Emma aren't excluding Audrey. They all had a blast on the drive up, singing songs and watching a movie. As soo as they got their stuff unloaded they were off like a shot--first over to the river and then into town. One of the coolest things about W.P. is that it is small enough close enough that the girls can walk to the shops and cafes easily. And I feel very safe having them do so as long as they stick together and have their phones.

Here is another cool thing. We couldn't all fit in my car so my dad let us use his new Honda Pilot. What a sweet ride! Beats the tar out of the Ford Focus for climbilng over mountain passes and hauling five of us and all our stuff.

Just talked to Audrey and she was right in the middle of a caramel apple! Could this weekend be off to a better start? I can't tell you how we need days like this--they are few and far between. There is a lot of struggle and busyness and caretaking and all the parenting and relational stuff that goes along with those various roles.

In fact yeaterday was one of those days where i just got the stuffing kicked out of me. I can't point to anything specific but I just felt harried and hurried all day long. And I had one of the worst night's sleeps I've had in months (which is really saying something). I think I finally fell asleep at 4 and was up at 7. Yuck! I laid there all night feeling so sorry for myself and in deep darkness in my soul.

Then what happens? God gives us a day like today (it's not over yet so I hope I don't jinx it!). Just when I feel like I am at the edge, God swoops in and pours on the blessing. I can't tell you how many times over the last years I feel like God has let me go right the the very edge and then He pulls me back. I know that God is good all the time but some days He is especially good to me and to our little family.

While we are here my parents are re-doing Audrey's room. She is getting new paint, new window treatments, bedding, etc.. Audrey stepped up and cleaned her room before we left. That may not sound like a big deal, but keep in mind that I have literally cleaned Audrey's room with a garden rake before. So the fact that we could see the floor was not to be overlooked. She is going ot be so excited when she gets home on Sunday.

Other odds and ends: Bethany had knee surgury yesterday and it went very well! The doctor thought he might have to do micro-fracture surgury  (again) but when he got in there it was clear that that was not needed. Praise God becasue the revocery time for micro-fracture is LONG! as is, she will be walking agian without crutches in a week.

Joanne's folks came down this week and took Jo and Audrey to lunch at La Baguette. They had a nice time catching up as they had been back in D.C. on family matters for almost two months!

Wade and Kristen and the kids are all up in the Grand Tetons. I guess they hit a deer on the way up--they drove all night. But they were in the Suburban which is a beast of a vehicle so I imagine the deer got the short end of the stick on that interaction. 

I guess that's about it. Tonight the girls are going to a concert in W.P. Village--a 90's cover band. Audrey was trying  to explain what that was to Madie and Emma and said that it basically is everything the Led Zepplin and the Doors to Linkin Park. Ummm...

Tomorrow is the Chocolate Festival. 40 vendors all offering samples. $10 gets you all the tastes your little heart desires. Joanne and I will be hanging out at home base and I will play taxi service. 

So here's to a good weekend. Thanks Jesus!

Toben

Now THIS is Parenting (Toben)

Currently 3:33 a.m. Audrey and I just happened to be up and she was staving so we set out to find her some food. Not surprisingly, not much is open at 3 in the morning...except 7-11. So we got some instant mac and cheese, some crackers and a can of iced tea. Rang up at about $3. Came home and cooked up the mac and cheese in the microwave and Audrey added blue food coloring. She is into blue food lately (I have no Earthly idea why). So now she's eating and I am sitting here on her bed. I am not begrudging the loss of sleep. I am actually rejoicing that Audrey and I could share these late night moments.  Feels like we are making a memory...blue mac and cheese and all!

Toben

Faith Alone (Toben)

I have the Latin words Sola Fide tattooed on my arm. That translates into "Faith Alone." When I got the tattoo I don't think I really understood what the depth of those words meant. I thought it was about my action--I was going to have faith and that was going to get me into Heaven. I thought it was about my pursuit of an ideal. I thought it was about a mindset. I thought it was about a set of behaviors.

Now I don't think it is about any of those things. To be honest, I am in a little bit of a "dark night of the soul." I am still struggling with where God fits into everything that has happened that last couple of years. This came as a stark realization last night when I was running errands with Emma. She asked me straight out, "Where are you with God?" Now Emma is 12 so this seemed like a pretty deep and thoughtful question coming from her. I asked her if I could think about it for a minute and she said that was fine. So I had a couple of minutes of quiet soul searching.

And here is what came to me: God hasn't gone anywhere. I vividly remember a conversation I had with my friend Jonathan a bunch of years ago when I was going through a tough patch in my life. I said I felt like I was running away from God. He said, "No matter how far you run, God is still there." At the time it hit me like a ton of bricks. He went on to say, "If God is always right there, what good does all your running do?" Wow! 

So that's what I conveyed to Emma. I told her that despite the hardships, God is still right there. Now sometimes we face Him, we may even embrace Him. At other times we may turn our backs and cross our arms and stomp our feet like little kids...but God isn't going anywhere. 

And it is that faith that God isn't going anywhere is enough to get us through. He is always present, always there to listen. At times He may seem distant, but that's more about us than it is about him. God is close! 

So what is my posture in relation to God who is right there? When I picture it in my minds I I see a broken guy, head hung low, tired and worn out and disappointed facing away from God but leaning back into Him at the same time. I am not angry; I'm not stomping my feet--I am too tired for that. I am just defeated. But I know that God is there to keep me up-right when I feel like I just want to fall over. 

I am planning on asking the girls what there mental image is of their relationship with God when I get them alone one-onp-one in the next few days, mostly because I am curious. I have an idea what they are going to say--after all I live with them and am a close student of them. But I want them to think about it and speak for themselves. Should be an interesting conversation! If it's OK with them I'll let you know what they say.

Needless to say, Faith Alone means something entirely different to me now than it did. Now it simply means that I belive that God is near.

Toben

 

Shifting Gears (Toben)

Yesterday we came up to Kristen's cabin in Winter Park. We are here for the weekend and what a beautiful weekend it is shaping up to be. We have doors and windows open and the temperature outside is just perfect. It is quiet here except for the occasional passing of a train or the chirp of a bird or bark of a neighborhood dog. How pleasant!

Yesterday the girls set out to meet the all the neighborhood dogs. The folks next door are young adults (20-somethings) and they had a party that looked like a poster for Abercrombie & Fitch! They all looked so young and beautiful and healthy. They were drinking a few beers and listening to music and generally enjoying themselves. It made me think of Joanne's and my early twenties and how it could have just as easily been us over there enjoying a delightful afternoon with friends. My, how 20 years will change you! 

Anyhow, they had a LOT of dogs with them and the girls played with them most of the afternoon. They scoured Kristen's house for dog treats, but finding none, they decided that the dogs might like Ritz crackers. So that's how they made friends with the dogs. 

I was watching the basketball game last night after Joanne went to bed and Audrey decided that what this house needed was so fruit. So off we went to Safeway down the road in Frazer. We loaded up on $20 worth of fruit and a large can of whipped cream. Brought it all home and the girls went to town, putting massive amounts of whipped cream on strawberries, blueberries, raspberries and blackberries. I think the fruit was just a delivery system for all the whipped topping! But they loved it.

Today my parents are coming up to hang out. The town is completely dead--no tourists this early in the season. But we will all sit around and read and talk and nap. Sounds nice, doesn't it! My dad's birthday is Sunday so we will go out for a birthday dinner on Saturday night at one of the places that Kristen recommended to me. 

Good stuff!

Toben

Memorial Day, New Season (Toben)

Memorial day this year marked the end of the school year for the girls. We are on to a new season! I think I am looking forward to their summer vacation more than they are. I love having them at home. I know I have mentioned this in the past but nothing makes me happier ten having all my girls under one roof. I think this summer will offer some "firsts" for our family.

Audrey has a boy friend...of sorts. It is more like a crush but she and said boy have spent a little time together (under close supervision) and I think they really like each other. This is a big deal! He is really the first boy that she has shown any interest in. So I am trying to parent wisely through this touchy time. I don't want to freak her out or be overbearing and over protective, but as one of my new favorite writers says, "Protect your daughters. Use a shotgun if necessary!" I am not quite to that point, but it has lead to some interesting and compelling discussions with Audrey. 

Emma. What can I say about Emma. I will brag a little here: Emma was the number one student in her entire sixth grade for the second semester (out of 300 students), topping a 4.o by several percentage points. WOW! I knew the kid was smart, and I knew she worked hard but this is really something! And it means a great deal to her. Emma is sort of quiet but she is fiercely competitive. Coming out on top means the world to her. She will honestly miss being at school this summer. She just loves it so much.

Audrey on the other hand will be more then happy to be out of school. She runs around the house yelling, "I didn't fail any classes!" And that means as much to her as Emma's accomplishment means to her. I am amazed at how different two kids raised byt he same parents in the same environment can be. I am sure that is the case for many of you parents out there. You have a couple kids and they are exact opposites. How strange and  wonderful that is. How boring it would be if Emma and Audrey were carbon copies of one another!

We really don't have any big plans for the summer. We are going to spend a few weekends in Winter Park and Jo's sisters house up there. It will be a nice change of scenery. But I think that may be about it. I need to figure out some other close-to-home activities to keep the girls from getting too bored. At this point I think Audrey is most excited about sleep and spending time with friends. Emma is getting into video games and helping out around the house. She actually said yesterday, "When I get bored I get a lot done!" 

So what are you doing this summer?

Toben

This Side of Heaven (Toben)

Had a conversation yesterday with a friend who has suffered much. I mean, a lot! She has been a good sounding board for me over the last years as we have walked through Joanne's situation. She definitely has a unique perspective. A lot of times when we talk we get a chuckle of of the things people say to try to make us feel better. Obviously we are quick to acknowledge that people really do want to be an encouragement but sometimes that uplifting word just creates more questions than it does answers. So here's one:

God promises healing, but does that mean that He promises healing on this side of Heaven or is He more often talking about the restoration that will occur in each and every one of His children what we pass away and enter His presence? I need to go back to scripture and re-read some of the key passages on healing and view them through this lens. 

My friend talked about the fact that both doctors and the scriptures can be correct even if they seem to be saying completely opposite things. Doctor: no, you're not going to get any better. God: I will heal you. In an eternal perspective both of those things can be true. 

Interesting food for thought. Would love to hear your take on this in the comments.

Toben

Life in CO Springs by Emma

Hey guys I haven't done a post in a long time and I wanted to tell you about my life in CO Springs.

I absolutly love Eagleview!!!! It rocks. I have made many new friends, my teachers are so nice. This quarter I'm in photography and drama, super fun, and pre algebra 7 and accelerated LA.

I get to see my sweet little kitty 2 times a week, she is doing great. Can't wait for spring, still can't beleive that we got 4 inches of snow on may day. 

 

CO Springs is awesome, i love living near my grandparents.

 punpkin:)

 

Emma

Wings of Eagles Meets Gravity (Toben)

This morning in devotions I was asked to read Isaiah 40:31. I am sure many of you already know it. It says:  

"But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles."

I was at the doctor, who I have been with for the last 10 years, this week and we were talking about Joanne's situation. One of the doctors was pretty blunt and just told me that Joanne was as good as she was going to get. Her "18 month window" was closed and that she would spend the rest of her life in her current condition. Minutes later a PA came in to do some other tests and she brought up Joanne and said, "Don't listen to what anyone tells you. Joanne can get better. You just have to have faith and keep trying." Wow, what whiplash! Who to believe?! 

Joanne's primary doctor was pretty blunt about the "18 month window" too. He said we may see little improvement here and there but for the most part we are at where we are at for the rest of Joanne's life. 

So what do I do with old Isaiah 40:31? What does it mean to "mount up with wings like eagles?" I am writing this because I totally confused. I don't want to get my hopes up that some miracle is going to happen and Joanne is going to be healed.  But I also don't want to deny God's power. How foolish would that be as a Bible believing Christian? 

So I sit here stuck between eagles wings and gravity. The gravity of the situation pulls down and down and down without ceasing. But the Word promises flight. I don't want to live in fantasy land and I don't want to live in constant disappointment, but I also don't want to underestimate God. Hmmmm....

Anyone have any insights on this one? I'm not looking for simple answers and would love to hear from people who have beat the odds (especially medically) to be restored in the name of Jesus.

Toben

 

Psalm 23 (Toben)

Today for devotions I took the staff through an interesting exercise. We read Psalm 23 from three different versions of scripture: the KJV, the NIV and The Message. As we read each translation I had the staff circle the passages or words that jumped out at them the most. The interesting thing was that everyone selected something totally different in each translation/paraphrase. Even though the meaning is the same in each the different phrasing drew emphasis to different parts of the passage. Makes me realize that when I am studying scripture there is real value to taking a peek at other translations. Anyhow, the experience caused me to draw a parallel in my life.

Everything I do can have different "translations." Depending on the day my translation may be the "Woe is Me" translation. Or maybe it's the "Super Dad" translation. And there are many others. So I am wondering what it might look like if in the midst of any given situation if I took just a minute to stop and thing about what other translation I could apply.

An example: Every night I give Joanne a little help with her shower. The last thing I do before I help her put on her PJs is that I get on the floor and dry off her feet. Now obviously I look at this activity as the "Servant Husband." Here I am, the selfless guy drying Joanne's feet for her so we can get those jammies and her night brace on. Problem is I get the "Servant Husband" crossed with the "Woe is Me Husband" too often. After all, crawling around the bathroom floor is not the greatest. But what if I looked at this activity through another lens. What if I looked at it through the "Bringer of Joy Husband." Joanne LOVES this time of day. She loves her showers, and her jamies and crawling into bed all clean and shiny. So can I celebrate her joy with her? Of course I can! I just need to read from a different translation. How much cooler to be the "Bringer of Joy!"

Example number two: I drive Audrey to school each morning instead of making her take the bus. Can you guess the translation I read when I have to get up so early every morning to complete this task? "Poor Selfless Dad!" Here I am, poor me, dragging myself out from under the warm covers to face the day about an hour earlier than I would like. And boy, when I look at it through this translation Audrey definitely picks up on it! She isn't fooled. She knows I am feeling sorry for myself and maybe just a little resentful of her. But my other translation, and the far better one is "Listening Dad." I get a whole 20 minutes in the car just me and Audrey; I get to hear about her expectations for the day, any concerns she has, what she is looking forward to. I get let in to her life. Wow, to be "Listening Dad" is such a privilege whereas "Poor Selfless Dad" gives me a false sense of entitlement...and grumpiness.

So that's what I want to think about and work on. What translation am I in today? What are some of your favorite translations?

Toben

 

Kindle Craziness (Toben)

Joanne's Kindle Fire died. I mean really, really...really died. I figured that the warranty was for a year and hers was two years old, so I went to Best buy and got her a new Kindle Paperwhite, which as it turns out is pretty lame once you are used to a Kindle Fire. So anyhow, Joanne is obviously being gracious about the situation but it's clear that she is not stoked. SO I figure, "what the heck. I'll call Amazon and see if they want to hook us up." So I call Amazon and the tell me that yes, we are way out of warranty but that Joanne is such a good customer and has Amazon Prime, etc. that they would be glad to extend the warranty and that they will have her a new Kindle Fire here by Tuesday. Seriously!? That is some freaking customer service! Of course they can see that Joanne is a heavy user and that they will more than make their money back. So no harm, no foul. I boxed up the Paperwhite and Best Buy returned it so it's all good. Way to go Amazon!

Toben

Identity (Toben)

Now that the house is sold and Spring break is over and we are back into our routine I have a little of time to think...and decisions to make. And I think our whole family has some identity issues to wrestle with and settle into. 

Joanne has been robbed of her identity in a way that I'm not sure many of us (at least I) can't comprehend. Everything that she was all about is all about gone. I'm not going to go into depth on this because I feel like I have covered this ground in many other posts. But I think some of her identity will be restored when we get our own place. We are probably going to get through the school year without a change but I am looking around on the web at places in District 20 that might be a good fit for us. I have been surprised to find that a number of different apartment complexes have handicapped ready apartments. That's pretty cool! Joanne can really get around a regular house, but it's nice to have the extra wide spaces for her to get through and grab bars in the bathroom. 

The girls identity has been deeply affected too. They went from being homeshool kids, to Christian school kids  to public school kids. They too lost their house and they left their friends in Denver. Emma has made new friends but I think Audrey is still a little gun-shy to make friends--she is really struggling to get attached or to trust people. I get that. Again,the next phase for us is to get our own place. I think they'll feel more "planted" once we move.

I have had something weird happen as a result of selling the house. Joanne and I have been home owners for almost 20 years. Now we aren't. A house is not my identity but it does feel weird to not be a land owner any more. In fact I think in colonial America my lack of property ownership would not allow me to vote. I too am looking forward to having a place of our own, but I have to say that of all of us, I have benefited the most from moving in with Mom and Dad. They have been such an amazing help to me personally. I feel like I have support. There is part of me that makes me never want to leave, but at some point we have to get back out on our own.

One weird challenge for us is the cats! They lived at the house in Denver until it sold, and since then we have had them at our friendly neighborhood kennel. We go visit them a lot but we are desperate to have them back with us. I think the kennel is an OK set up and they are well cared for, but I think they need a home for the time being until we can have them in our apartment. So if any of you out there want to cat sit for a month until we move, just let me know. That would be a huge relief and blessing!

I guess that's about it for now.

Toben

 

 

Resurrection (Toben)

Don't gasp, but we didn't go to church this Easter. I think it may be a law that you must attend and Easter Service. But we didn't. Instead we watched a Catholic Easter Mass from the National Basilica. It was incredible! The way they do mass is so reverential and formal and feels appropriate for the remembrance of Christ's resurrection. In most churches I have been to it feels like the pastor knows he has one shot to talk to all the people who only come to church once or twice a year. If I was a pastor I would probably do the same thing. But in the Mass we watched, it was clearly a celebration of Christ's rising from the dead and it wasn't at all evangelistic. In fact Joanne commented that it really was an "insiders" service. If you weren't familiar with the way Mass is conducted you would be utterly lost at the Easter Mass. I wonder if the Catholic Church does a "starter Mass" for those new converts to sort of fill them in on the why and wherefores of Mass?

Anyhow, this was probably the first Sunday in our lives that we weren't at a service for Easter. There are many reasons that we decided not to go. Some of them were probably valid and others were not, but I know for me that I am in the midst of a Dark Night Of the Soul and that I am struggling mightily with my faith. I don't think it's hit me until recently that that's where I am. And the rest of our little family is there too. Joanne struggles, Audrey struggles and Emma, being the age that she is, struggles in her own way. We are all dealing with so many "non-Christian" emotions--anger, fear, sadness, shame...did I mention anger? We are still very much asking the question, "Why did this happen!" The price to pay has been so great!

Now I know in writing this that all those emotions are not "non-Christian." Lots of believers wrestle with these very feelings to one extent or another. In fact I can sit here and think of literally a dozen families that struggle. Maybe not just like we are struggling, but struggling just the same. I think it's central to the human experience. I have often said that no one gets out of this life unscathed and I truly believe that. We all take our shots.

One thing I wrestle with is that Joanne's stroke happened over two years ago but to me it's like it happened yesterday. I am still reliving those minutes and hours right after her stroke on a frequent basis--I have flashbacks and different things can set it off. It can be the spot on I-25 where I got the first call from Audrey that something was wrong with mom to seeing Audrey or Emma's phone numbers come up on my caller ID. I can instantly be transported to a very anxious place. I get a tightness in my chest...

I wonder why this hasn't passed. I wonder if I will feel this way forever.

And what's worse is that I know Joanne is feeling these feeling more deeply than any of the rest of us. It is her life that was taken from her. We had a couple of long talks over the weekend and she is still so very much in mourning from all that's lost. My favorite is that she says she watches advertisements for cleaning products on TV and desperately wishes she could buy a can of Scrubbing Bubbles and go clean a bathroom! She longs for the day when she could wield a bottle of Windex. It is truely the little things that mount up and remind us of what has passed.

So the resurrection. What does that mean to us? Here is the best way I can put it. To me it feels like much of our life was put in a coffin and buried when Joanne had her stroke. Things that were became no more. And that coffin was buried. Now, every once in a while a little something will be resurrected. Maybe we'll experience it on a walk around the Garden of the Gods or a drive up into the mountains. There will be a moment of normalcy or even happiness and it feels like we are stealing a little something back from the grave. And even though it seems unlikely, I am still hoping that one of these days God will choose to resurrect something big! Maybe it will be a restoration of the girl's relationship with Joanne. Maybe it will be a physical ability on Joanne's part. Maybe it will be the rediscovery and ability for Joanne to do something she loves. Who knows what it could be, but I am ready, anticipating those little resurrections. How I wish they would come faster!

Joanne made an interesting comment this weekend. She said, "I wonder what Saturday was like for the disciples?" They lost Jesus to the cross on Friday and then what? I imagine that the grief was punishing but I also wonder if there wasn't some hope against hope that Jesus was really going to come back. All I know is that it must have been an excruciating day. Of course Sunday changed everything for the entire course of human history. 

I feel like it is our perpetual Saturday. And I can tell you, we are all waiting expectantly for our metaphorical Sunday to change the course of our family's history!

Toben

Going...Going...Gone! (Toben)

We decided to sell the house back in August. With my job being in the Springs and with new opportunities developing there the daily 2 hour commute was really hindering my ability to do what I needed to do to be successful in my work. On top of that, my parents offered us a great place to stay and an enthusiasm to jump in and help with Joanne and the girls while we made the transition. So in early Fall we began to pack up the house. It was a process that took months! We couldn't have done it without help from our families but I am happy to report that the Sunday before our closing, we were finally able to say, "It's finished!" That's almost 8 months to the day from when we decided that a move would be best!

We closed on the house on Monday. What a process that is! Forms flying everywhere, signatures and initials on everything. The closing agent then has to check and double check that everything is in order. Then the forms get sent off to the new mortgage company for their final approval, which means you sit for an hour and wait after all the paperwork is done. We were there with the new buyers and got to talk to them about the house, how much we had loved it, and the neighborhood and how we think they will fall in love with it the way we had. They were definitely as excited to be getting the house as we were to be moving on.

Finally after all is said and done, they handed us a check and that was that. We are no longer home owners. What mixed emotions! We truly loved our house but driving 2 hours a day to get to the office just didn't make any sense. And even though the school situation for the girls wasn't bad by any means, their new situations are better. Audrey is fitting in a little better at a smaller school that is a little less intense then Cherry Creek and Emma is finally being challenged in getting to take some "talented and gifted" classes. All good. Emma has made some good friends, so praise God for that! Audrey is still looking but it is only a matter of time before she finds someone to pal around with. I pray daily that just the right friend will come along for her.

Now my commute is 5 minutes! I can't express what a difference that makes! I am so much more relaxed and productive. 

And it is an unspeakable blessing to have my mom and dad around for Joanne and the girls. It's just a really good fit for us to be there. In the next couple of months we will get our own place and that will be an adventure. Joanne is leaning toward renting a house. The only thing Audrey cares about is having a basement that she can move into. Emma wants a TV in her room.  And me? I don't want to move anywhere that will require any kind of yardwork whatsoever. I don't want to mow, fertilize, shovel, rake or trim anything! I want someone to do all that for me. So I am thinking condo or townhouse or even a decent apartment. And we need to stay as close as possible to my folk's place as they will still be helping with Joanne. And I want to be close enough that I can still watch Nuggets games with my dad and crash in for dinner a few nights a week. 

Joanne wrapped up her watercolor class at Bemis Art School on Tuesday. He mom and Shanna came down to take her to class. they painted Aspen trees. The class has been good for Joanne. I think she has enjoyed it and it is another opportunity for her to get out of the house and have an adventure. She is probably going to take a drawing class or a calligraphy class next. 

Another fun thing: a bunch of Joanne's friends and her mom and sister came down tot he Springs to take Joanne out for a birthday lunch. They went to Marigolds, which is a great lunch place, and I think everyone had a nice time. I will say however that with no plans today, Joanne is excited to get a day in her PJs. 

The girls are on Spring break for the next week. I envision a lot of sleeping for Audrey. Even Emma is starting to sleep a little more. It's like a switch gets flipped and all of a sudden kids can just sleep and sleep. Then at some point as an adult the switch flips the other way and you just can't get that kind of sleep any more. Weird!

I guess that's about it. Thanks for all the prayers about the sale of the house. THe timing was close to miraculous--our house was under contract four days after we listed it! I am not going to chalk that up to coincidence but to God's goodness!

Prayer requests:

1. Praise God for Emma's great love for her new school, for her new friends and for new challenges.

2. Please pray that Audrey would find a good friend.

3. Please pray that when the time comes we will find just the right place to rent.

Toben

 

Happy Birthday! (Toben)

Today is Joanne's birthday! 

Birthdays post stroke are definitely different than pre-stroke ones. It is a chance to look back and remember things in a different context. For example, for her 39th birthday she moved from Kindred to Spalding. She had to transfer in an ambulance adn it made her ill. Not a happy day. There was cake but she couldn't eat it. Not a great birthday.

Last birthday joanne was in her walking boot from her achilles surgery and we went to a TobyMac concert. Much better than 39 but it is contextualized by her surgery and everything that went along with that. 

This birthday is marketed by transition. We close on the sale of our house on Monday. We have been living with my folks and thinking about what the next few years will look like. So as I think back in the future on this birthday it will be the transition birthday.

And here's what I have to say: Joanne, you are the light of my life. I can't imagine what it would have been like to try and do life without you. I am thankful to God that He left you here on this earth when he could have so easily called you home. I know it has been a tough couple of years, but we are making it, day by day. I love you Joanne. Thanks for sticking around. It is my pleasure and blessing to get to serve you and my privilege to be your husband.

Toben

On The Front Lines (Toben)

At Family Talk our theme this month is On the Front Lines. It has a lot to do with issues involving military families and what they go through as they protect our nation and the principles on which it was founded. As I hear these stories I am blown away at the commitment and sacrifice of our soldiers (both male and female) and their families. But as I have been reflecting on this theme, I have been struck by the ways so many families are on their own "front lines." The words that have echoed in my head are "being on the  front lines is the price you pay for doing what is right."

Many, many families I know suffer because they do the right thing. We are bombarded every day with stories of people who suffered because they or someone in their family did a wrong thing. There are addictions, and affairs, abuse, and negligence. And those are terrible things. But there are a lot of families that suffer "for righteousness sake." Where are those stories in the popular media? Mostly they get tacked on to the end of a newscast or they end up as a footnote on some website. I wish those families that do the next right thing, time after time, got more attention.

Those of you who have followed this blog know that our little family has been on the front lines with Joanne's stroke. I won't go into details here because you already know them and there are almost too many challenges/sacrifices to list when you add kids and extended family into the mix. Everyone in our family in on the front lines--trying to do the right thing and paying a price for it.

Add as a matter of fact, as I look at other friends and family I realize that everyone I know is on some sort of front line or has recently been there. What the heck!? 

The thing that is a real kick in the gut is that I can remember times when our family wasn't on the front line. I can remember times of relative peace and prosperity. And I didn't appreciate them! How foolish of me, how short sighted to not celebrate those times. I took them for granted. I feel like an idiot that I didn't revel in the blessing we were experiencing. 

Anyhow, I would be interested to know who else feels like they are on the front lines. And if you are not, please, do me a favor and CELEBRATE! It's right and appropriate to revel in God's goodness!

Toben

 

 

 

 

Leaving Space (Toben)

I have gone to Joanne's watercolor class a few times now and it is really amazing. I had no idea how complex it is to paint with watercolor. In other kinds of painting you start with the darkest colors and layer in the lighter ones as you go. But in watercolor you have to do the opposite: you start with your lightest background color and get progressively darker. And to get the light background color you do what is called a "wash". Basically you pick the color of the background and cover the whole canvas in that shade before layering in the rest of the painting. What this requires is that you  have the painting in your mind before you start. And because it is watercolor it is nearly impossible to go back and fix mistakes. In other painting you can just paint over what you don't like, but in watercolor you get one go at it.

The thing that was most fascinating to me is that there is a way to leave blank space on the page. There is this stuff called "masking fluid" which is basically liquefied rubber cement. If you know you want some white in your painting, you use masking fluid to pain in that shape or element. Then you do your wash, then you take a special eraser and remove the masking fluid revealing white space that you can then fill with color. Pretty cool concept. 

I got thinkign about this and realized tha tI am sort of intrigued with living a little more like watercolor adn a little less like other kinds of painting. First off I want to have a general idea of what I am going to paint before I start throwing color on paper. If I do it right the first time I have less to repaint and cover up later. The other is more profound for me. I need to leave white space--places in the painting to be filled in at a later date. Again, this takes fore-thought and intentionality but it is necessary to this technique. If I leave a few blank spots, that gives me the opportunity to come back at a later date and add this or that to what I'm doing. 

The parallels to daily life are obvious. Think ahead, leave space, etc.. Love the little lessons that pop up in unexpected places.

Speaking of which, Joanne is working on skies and trees right now in class. She spent a good hour yesterday practicing her technique. Did you know that one of the basic tools of watercolor is a blow dryer? You have to dry each layer of watercolor before you add the next or your colors just run together. So Joanne and I were a team yesterday. She would paint and I would blow-dry the canvas. 

She and I also took a drive yesterday to Woodland Park, which is about 45 minutes up into the mountains. There isa place there called The Donut Mill that has the  most amazing donuts you've ever seen. They are HUGE. I am not kidding when I tell you that their jelly donut is the size of a small melon! We I picked up a few donuts to bring home to the girls and Joanne and I snaked on one on the drive back. It was nice to get a change of scenery.

Audrey and Emma have TCAP testing this week. I have no idea what that is but it must be a big deal because I get an email from the schools about it every day! What it means for Audrey is that she gets to sleep in another couple of hours as the testing doesn't start until 10 and I usually have to have her at school by 7:30. And on Friday she gets out at 10 and has the rest of the day off. That makes for a happy kid. Alas, Emma will be on her same old schedule all week. Bummer for her!

We are movign the rest of our stuff out of the house in a week in preparation for closing in two weeks. Should be pretty easy. Looking forward to getign thsi baby sold and moving on with our lives!

Prayer requests:

1. Pray that everything goes smoothly on the closing of the house. I won't be at peace until the deal is officially done! 

2. Praise for a easier week for Audrey!

3. Another praise for how Emma has taken to school. She absolutely loves it! What a treat to get to take a happy kid to school in the mornings.

4. A prayer of thanksgiving for my parents who have come alongside up significantly over the last two months but letting us live with them while the house sells. They are the best hosts!

Toben

Road Hat! (Toben)

I found a road hat! What is a road hat, you may be asking? Well, it is simply as stated--a hat found in the road. My love of the road hat started many years ago when I found a a great red baseball cap in a gas station parking lot. It advertised some fishing boat company that I had never heard of. I picked up that dirty hat, took it home and washed it a couple of time and there it was, the perfect hat. It was beat up, broken in, and it fit perfectly. That hat was a favorite of mine for years until I gifted it to a friend who was equally fond of that hat. I figured it had come into my life as an unexpected gift and should be re-gifted to pass on the joy.

Since then I always keep my eyes open for a good road hat. In the last 20 years I think I have found three or four road hats and a lake hat. None of the road hats after the first one were salvagable or didn't fit right. The lake hat was fished out of Lake of the Ozarks. It was a nice hat but too small. It went to my brother in law Wade and I think he may still have it to this day.

We as luck would have it, I found another road hat this week. Joanne and I were driving home from lunch with her folks when I spoted it in the middle of the road. It had been snowing and the roads were a bit soupy but I can spot a road hat at 100 yards, regardless of the conditions. So I slammed on the brakes, whipped a 180 and pulled my door up along side the road hat. Of course I was aware of traffic but my quick stop adn u-turn had turned everything in the backseat topsy-turvey including Joanne's watercolor supplies. But I was able to fish the hat off of the road and into the car without wrecking.

It was nasty--filthy wet and clearly run over a few times. But I did not despair--It was a road hat! I took it home and carried my prize inside and immediately into the washing machine. I filled it with soapy water and bleach and let it sit for a couple of hours. Then I washed it and my mom put it in front of the fire to dry. Of course I had to grab it from the hearth in a hurry. The secret to a good road hat is to let it dry on your head. That way it shapes just right. So I wore a wet hat around for a couple of hours and can now say...

The road hat turned out perfectly! It is sparkly clean although still obviously "broken in." And it fits like a dream. I now have a new favorite hat. I especially like the tire tread pattern across the brim. Awesome. Long live the road hat! And to whoever it is that lost this hat, I am sorry for you and hope that you find a good and suitable replacement. 

Quick updates:

Joanne is loving her watercolors class. She went with her mom and dad this week and everyone had a nice time including a lovely lunch at La Baguette (favorite French restaurant) afterwards.

Emma missed a couple days of school this week with a head cold. This kid never gets sick, adn when she does she never misses school. So when she said she needed to stay home I knew she was really feeling poorly. She seems to have recovered and is back int he swing of things.

Audrey got a killer haircut this week. She had grown it out for months and finally got tired of it and just wanted it gone. So we went to the local barbershop (not a "Salon") and got it cut. The girl is so beautiful that even with very, very short hair she is still a stunner. Her facial features are to die for so the short hair just accentuates her beauty.

My mom and dad are refinishing the downstairs bathroom in a 24 hour dash. There were a few things in there that needed replacing so they jumped in with both feet. This is the bathroom tat our family uses so we are getting a new toilet, vanity, cabinets and flooring. Should be very nice!

Joanne's folks are back from a long visit to the lovely state of Arizona with some friends. THey had a nice time including a visit to the Barret-Jackson car show/auction There were over 1300 cars there! They had some erratic weather but I think they got some warmth for at least part of their time there.

Me? I'm just thankful for my road hat. 

Toben

P.S. I thought of all kinds of deep adn meaningful metephors for the road hat and what it might all mean, but I didn't want to push it. You can come up with your own meaningful application for the road hat strory!

Shine On (Toben)

This morning in devotions we looked at Philippians 2 and I was struck by some words in verse 15: "Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky."

I must admit that when I read these words my mind took me to a totally secular place. Pink Floyd has a song called "Shine On You Crazy Diamond."  Some of the lyrics are:

Shine on you crazy diamond.
Now there's a look in your eyes, like black holes in the sky.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
You were caught on the cross fire of childhood and stardom,
Blown on the steel breeze.
Come on you target for faraway laughter, come on you stranger,
You legend, you martyr, and shine!

I'm pretty sure the Floyd didn't get their inspiration from Philippians 2 but conceptually the two line up and the message is simple: We are called to shine even in the midst of tough circumstances. And we're not called to shine from some sort of light that we can manufacture on our own, we are to shine with the light of Christ in us. 

What the passsage also implies is that there is a lot of darkness out there. After all, if everything was brightness no one would see us shine. But the world is a dark place. 

So I have to think of what it means for me to shine. When I am with Joanne, how do I shine? When I am with Audrey and Emma, how do I shine? When I am with other friends and family and co-workers, how do I shine? I don't have a ready answer for that. I feel like our whole family has been in survival mode for so long that the idea of actually shining seems almost impossible. But we are called to do it. The verse doesn't say, "Shine if you feel like it." It says that if you do everything without grumbling and arguing...blameless and pure...in a warped and crooked generation--then you will shine like stars.

I do a lot of internal grumbling. I put on a happy face (most of the time) and do what needs to be done. But sometimes what I'm feeling inside is far from "shiny!" I guess that's when I need to ask God to make the outside line up with the inside. That I need to reverse the order and let a light shine from inside me. 

Real world check: This is HARD! Most of the time I feel like a lump of coal, not like a diamond or a star. This leads to a question of where I get my identity from. And that is a subject for another post. But for today I am going to think about shining like a star in the sky in each situation I find myself in. Doesn't mean it will be easy and I'll walk around blinding people with my brightness, but it gives me something to shoot for and something to rely on God to do in me.

If I could pick one are to shine in, it would be as a servant to Joanne and the girls. What area would you most like to shine in?

Toben

Lost One Thing (Toben)

For thos eof you that follow the blog you know that when Joanne had her stroke I prayed to prayers. One was that Joanne would not die. The other was that if she did live she would retain the ability to read. Both prayers came true and I am thrilled by that. Joanne always gives me a hard time. She says, "You were on a roll. You could have asked for so much more!" Anyhow, as I look back I am still convinced that these were the right prayers to pray. Joanne is still with us and she is a voracious reader. It fills her days and keeps her mind active. Plus she can still be in scripture which has always been a cornerstone of her faith. 

She is headed to painting class this morning and I am so hopeful that this will become another outlet for her creative bent. The class is really challenging--who knew watercolor was so complex! but she loves the class and I think it'll really be fun for her once she gets the basics figured out.

Joanne has lost a lot of things that formed her identity pre stroke. I won't go into details here--most of you already know what they are, but she has retained some important ones. She can get around for the most part, she can speak, she can read and has the use of her right hand and arm which allows for a lot. But she has lost a lot too.

So here is my question: If you made a list of the top ten things that you love to do or that define who you are and you had to cross five of those things off the list, which would you keep?

I would cross off writer and I could turn off my creative side and would leave, husband, father and mentally/emotionally sharp and the ability to speak. I would be willing to let a bunch of the physical aspects of my being go if I was able to stay connected to my family and friends. My top secret keep would be the ability to type. It's how I stay in touch with the world. 

What would your list look like?

Toben

Time Away (Toben)

What a great weekend! Of course it's only Sunday morning so we have some weekend left but so far we have had a great time at the cabin.  We have kept a fire in the fareplace and everyone has kind of done their own thing. Last night some of the family watch My Big Fat Greek Wedding and then Emma and Bethany watched Star Wars. Not sure what time they got to bed but it was later than the rest of us. We did get a few inches of snow and that was beautiful. The weather really changed over the day. It was in the 30s and sunny in the morning and then the snow moved in and the temperature dropped a good 10 degrees. All the nicer to sit in front of the fire.

Bethany went snow boarding in the morning. She has had double micro-fracture surgury on her knees so it was a pretty risky move but she really wanted to go. She made it through the morning and then we picked her up. She had fun but her knees had had it. Poor kid! She came back and played Dance Dance Revolution with the  girls and did a little homework. 

Joanne read for much of the day. We meant to get her watercolors out but that never happened. She was very content to sit and read and watch the news as the weather reports from the East coast poured in. What a go they are having at it! Made the little bit of snow we got seem like nothing. 

The girls went ice skating for about 5 minutes. They are always excited to go and it usually lasts until one or the other of them falls; then they are done. Yesterday when I drove them down to the rink I just sat int he car and waited for the first wipeout. True to form, it only took five minutes and the girls were back in the car. When they got home there were some neighborhood dogs outside playing and the girls went out in the snow to play with them. They came in covered in snow from head to foot! But they had a blast!

We will head down the mountian at about 11 or 12 in order to beat traffic. So glad we're able to come up here. Can't wait to do it again.

T

 

At the Cabin (Toben)

Wade and Kristen offered us their vacation home in Winter Park for the weekend, and all the planets aligned and we were able to take advantage of their offer. My mom and dad and Bethany were able to come up too. What a great deal! Joanne, the girls and I came up early and got the heater turned on, built a fire and figured out how to use the TV remote. The girls went ice skating for about half and hour. My folks and Beth came up at about 6:30. I went to a cool pizza place and brought in dinner. We watched an episode of The Office and everyone was tucked in by 9:30. I think I had the heat turned up a little high so a few of us were up in the night turning down the thermostats but other then that I think everyone sleep pretty well. 

Now were all up (except for Audrey) and the coffee has been brewed. Mom made oatmeal, eggs and toast for anyone who wanted breakfast. Beth is going snowboarding today so I'll run her over to the hill here in a little bit. She picked a perfect day to do it. The sky is totally clear and it's not too cold out. I think she is going to have a blast. The rest of us will hang out and see what trouble we can get into. We will definitely keep the fire burning and everyone has a good book.  Dad and I might pile in the car later and go for a drive and see what there is to see.  

I think that's about it.

Thanks you Jesus for the generosity of Wade and Kristen and for a fun last minute change of plans.

Toben

The Gospel (Toben)

Today at work one of the women from the broadcast team did devotions and it rocked! She showed a couple of really well done videos and had some scripture for us to read. Basically the message is that God loves us and is there to restore us when we are broken, be it because of sin or life circumstance. That's the gospel! Jesus died to bring life to people who were dead in their sin. What a great reminder and what a way to start the day! Way to go Virginia!

I am working at home today--mom and dad are out and about today and I didn't want Jo to be home alone. Plus Audrey got a late start today so I had to get her out to Air Academy later than usual. Working on email campaigns today. We have so much great information on the Family Talk website and it's fun to get to play around with all that content and to let people know what is out there for them. 

Joanne is painting today. Yesterday in class she learned a couple of new techniques that she is trying out. I tell you what, watercolor is way more complex then I would have thought. It is so much about layering color and the use of water (as opposed to just paint) to get the effect that you want. It's just fun to watch her create something. Being creative is in her blood but she hasn't had much of an outlet since the stroke. She says, "This is really hard." But she is sticking with it and I think after a couple of months of classes she is going to ROCK! And the main point is that she is having fun. Not enough fun in her life.

The house process continues. I think we are basically done until closing in a month. The inspections are done, the repairs have been made, everyone has signed off on the deal. Now we just wait. What a weird emotional experience this all is. I'm not sure how to describe it. And it is definitely different for each member of our family. It is definitely hard on Joanne. It is medium-difficult for Emma. I think Audrey is over it and ready for whatever comes next. It's really not been very hard for me except from a financial and logistical perspective. I was afraid it wouldn't sell but it went in four or five days. I'm like Audrey--I want to be done with it too and move on to whatever is next for our family.  I am still loving the five minute commute to work!

School. Audrey may just be coming around, slowly, on Air Academy. She really likes a couple of her teachers and I am realizing how important that is. Yes, it's good to make friends but loving your teachers allows her overcome some other objections. Of course she isn't likely to say that she is warming up to it--she is a 14 year old girl and has a lot invested in not liking things, but I am so close with her that I can tell. She especially likes her graphics design teacher and she is getting to do some very cool projects in that class. They are doing grapical treatments to photos of Johnny Cash. How cool is that!?

Emma loves school! She got invited to a party this week. She has been there for less than a month and the kid is making friends. I think she likes her teachers and is doing great in her classes. This is a big deal because coming in mid-year the way she did, there is a lot of material that she has never covered. She is playing catch-up on a lot of subjects but she is still pulling great grades on her work and tests. She has said a number of times that she likes Eagleview better than the last school.  She told me that she thinks she is getting more challenged than she was at DC. Don't get me wrong: we LOVE DC, but I always suspected that she was cruising through a little at DC too easily so I am glad to see her pushed. I will say that DC ROCKED at math. She is in 7th grade math and we are going to ask her counselor if she can move up another class--she says math is "way to easy." It excited me that as a 6th grader that she is loving math and doing so well. So props to Mr. Amidon and DC for making a math wiz out of Emma!

Wow, this post is getting long! The tide feels like it is turning a little. There was a lot of bad and very little good there for a while but some good is creeping in. Yes! Let's keep it rolling!

Toben

Update (Toben)

Well, a lot is going on. The house sales process is still ongoing. Things are looking good so far but we need to keep praying until the deal is done...and then we need to pray some more in praise that it got done! We had our home inspection and there are a few things we need to fix, but it all looks manageable. I think we all feel a little bit like we're holding our breath, but we just need to relax and let God do His thing. If this is meant to be, then God will see it through and we get to go along for the ride. 

The cats are on kitty vacation to Aunt Kristen's house. We needed a place to put them for a few days while the house was getting inspected and Kristen graciously invited them over for a few days. The funny thing is that Kristen has a big dog named Presta and Emma was just sure there was going to be dog/cat drama when they all got together but we slowly introduced the cats to the dog and as far as I know everyone is getting along. 

Jo has watercolor class tomorrow. Kristen is driving down to take her. I think they are going to have a blast. Last week was a lot of teaching and not a lot of painting but tomorrow the brushes are supposed to come out and the paint is gonna fly! Can't wait to see Joanne's first masterpiece. She has always been so artistic that I expect this will be a great outlet for her. After class Kristen and Joanne are going out to lunch. What a fun day for the two of them. 

So glad the weather is not cold! I hate the cold weather and it's no fun for Joanne either. Makes it tough to get around when there is snow and ice. Nothing in the forecast for the next week. Yeah! Of course Joanne's folks are in Arizona so they are soaking in the rays. Sounds like they are having a blast. Talked to them yesterday and they were having so much fun they didn't even think they were going to watch the Superbowl! Small world: they were at a church in Tucson and ran into woman who goes to the church they attended here in the Springs. Who woulda thunk it?

Oh well, I guess that's about it. I am still loving the opportunity to work for Family Talk and to get to do so much writing. Copy writing is such a unique kind of writing and it feels good to be stretching that particular writing muscle again. 

Prayer requests:

1. Praise! The house sale is moving forward right on track. Pray for smooth sailing the rest of the way out.

2. Another praise! Emma is loving school. What a blessing that is.

3. Can I get another Praise?! Joanne loves art class and is looking forward to it every week!

Let's leave it as an all-praise post!

Toben

Art Class! (Toben)

Joanne and I are sitting here in watercolor class. The instructor (Patrice) is taking the class through the basics, from paper to brushes to paint and palettes. Joanne is soaking it all in. I think this is going to be an amazing experience for Joanne! She is definitely going to need someone here with her for class--lots of two-handed activity. I should be able to come with her to most of her classes--they have great wi-fi so I can stay up on work while she paints and I can help out when she needs an extra hand.

So glad she's doing this!

Toben

 

The Contract! (Toben)

I'm nervous to write this post because I don't want to jinx it, but it looks like our house has sold. We went through the whole process of offers and counter offers and finally arrived at a mutual agreement with a family in Denver. So the final contract has yet to be signed but the offer from both parties has already been signed, sealed and delivered. How cool is that!? 

We had a ton of interest in the house over this week. I think in four days we had a total of about 20 showings and two offers. The first offer was a joke and came from a guy who was probably just looking to flip the house (fix it up and re-sell it). But the second offer came from a family that just loved with the house. I can't tell you how good that makes me feel! I really wanted a family to move in there that would love the house the way we have loved it.

We are closing in mid-March. I guess the average time to closing is between 30-45 days but it still seems like a long time to me. But that's that not that big a deal. We are still enjoying living with my parents so being her another couple of months is just fine with me.

It certainly has been a strange week emotionally. We first started talking about selling the house last summer. Then we finally decided that we needed to make that move in early Fall. Then started the process of getting the house ready to sell. During that time we found a great realtor (a friend of a friend) who we really felt comfortable with and who loved the house. Then came moving out our stuff (except for some of our furniture) then came the staging and the cleaning. Then the sign went in the yard and Wham! Bam! The house is under contract. It feels like we have cleared a major milestone. Of course the deals not done until it's done, but we made a huge step this weekend. We loved that house and had a lot of good times there, but we have also had the worst times of our lives there. Ready for a new start.

I know I have mentioned this before but we wouldn't have been able to sell the house without help from my folks. They gave us a great, comfortable place to stay and the packed and cleaned the house with very little involvement from me--they just grabbed ahold of the project and got 'er done. I bet they invested over 100 hours when it was all said and done. I owe them big time!

So now we jsut hang out and wait for closing. After that, we'll start the process of finding a new place to live. We are going to rent for some time before we'll be in a position to buy another house. The great thing is that my folks are in no hurry to kick us out so we can rally take the time to find a place that's perfect for us.

Joanne starts watercolor classes on Tuesday! I am so excited for her. She is going to Bemis Art School in downtown Colorado Springs. I actually took art classes there when I was a kid so it is pretty cool that she is headed back there for a class. I think she is going to be amazing. I have seen her play with some other water color painting in the past and she is pretty darn good. With a little training she is going to be awesome but the main thing is I think she is going to have a blast. I will try to figure out how to post photos on the blog and will keep you up to date on her work. 

We had a blast at Emma's birthday dinner. We went to Fargo's for pizza. We have been going there since I was just a kid so it was a trip down memory lane to be there again. Emma had her new best friend Maddie with her and Bethany and Oliver joined Jo and I, Audrey and mom and dad. The food was really good and they salad bar is just epic. I can't remember the last time I had salad bar. How weird. Seems like everyone used to have a salad bar but now they are harder to find. And the best part about a good salad bar? Bacon bits. Pizza was really good too. Anyhow, we had a blast and Emma said it was a 1015 on a scale of 1-10. Not bad. 

Audrey dyed her hair white last night. I tell you what, that kid does more weird stuff to her hair but she always ends up looking great! I was nervous to let he dye her own hair. We ahve had it dyed professionally in the past and I think one time Joanne dyed it pink, but Audrey has never dyed it herself. But you know what? She did a good job and she looks just fantastic. She is such a beautiful girl that it is hard for her to mess up her looks. I love her sense of adventure when it comes to her appearance. And did a mention that she added a couple of piercings over the last couple of months? She got her eyebrow pierced a while back and her lip done last weekend. I think she's probably done with piercing for a while. She is still stretching her ears but very slowly so as not to tear them. 

I tell you what--I was so much like Audrey when I was a kid. The only difference is that I did my own piercings (ears only). I did get my eyebrow done professionally though. I guess like father, like daughter.  To be honest I could really give a rip about how she looks as long as her heart is in the right place. She isn't drinking, smoking, doing drugs or hanging out with bad boys (or even good boys for that matter) and no self injury. So if she wants to express herself through her looks, I'm cool with that. 

OK, I suppose I should wrap up.

Prayer request:

Only one--Praise for the contract on our house!!!

Toben

The House (Toben)

Our house in Denver went on the market today. And not a day too soon if you ask me. We have been preparing to put it on the market for months. It has been an incredible amount of work, much of it done by my mom and dad who attacked the project with pitbull ferocity. We have moved everything out and into storage except for the furniture which we left in there to "stage" the house. Apparently people want to see a house with furniture in it because it gives them a better idea of what it will look like with their stuff in it. Who knew! 

Everyone in the family is dealing with this process differently. Joanne is miserable. This was her nest and she has been plucked out of it--it was full of all her favorite things and now all that is in boxes. I feel terrible for her and can't even really relate to how tough this must be. But I know it's gut-wrenching for her.  Audrey is glad to be making a clean break. I think the image of finding her mom on the basement floor is something she hasn't been able to shake. Emma is pretty laid back and is just glad to be living someplace that has cable TV. Me? I am just so stoked to have a five minute commute that I can hardly stand it. I can't believe that I used to drive an hour each way to get to work. Now I drive five minutes. Yippee!

Talked to the realtor today and she has already gotten a couple of calls on the house. Cool! Let's get that baby sold!

Prayer Requests:

1. Please pray for peace for Joanne. She is struggling with the loss of the house.

2. Praise! Emma LOVES her new school! I mean LOVES it!

3. Please pray that I will be the parent Audrey needs me to be as we navigate through this tough time.

Toben

 

2013: Alignment (Joanne)

As I have thought about this upcoming year, the word that keeps coming to mind is alignment. I would really like my head and my heart to get lined up and in sync. I want to live and make decisions and live according to the truth I know in my head rather then my feelings at the moment. I want to walk by faith, not by feelings.

Yes, my feelings are real, valid and important but they are also fickle and ever changing. In short, they aren't very relaiable or steady. So what feels good or right one day doesn't feel good or right a week later. I need some unchanging, solid stuff to hang on to. So I am praying that God takes the truth in my head based on his word and brings it down about 18 inches to effect change in my heart. 

To help with that I am going to approach scrpture memory a bit differently this year. I will be doing the SSMT. Holly and I are going to be memory partners although I don't think we'll be going to Houston in a year. The idea of traveling scares me and I am not up for it especially without Toben. Here's how I'm approaching scripture memory: when I feel _________ then a verse I think might help me take those thoughts captive and bring my feelings into line with the truth. So my first one is this: When I feel overwhelmed or attacked and want to respond childishly then 1 John 4:19 in the Message--I, though, am going to love--love and be loved.

I am thinking I will make two-sided flashcards on index cards for this so that I can find how I am feeling easily and then flip the card over to the truth. I do have a few ideas for future verses and feelings--when I feel hopeless, sad, tired, like God has forgotten me , angry, betrayed, helpless, powerless, discouraged, lonely, afraid, like giving up.

I'd also like 2013 to be a year of acceptance. I want it to be a year of accepting my new reality, of being more comfortable with it, of being thankful for it even. That seems almost impossible to me, but then I remember the truth. That nothing is impossible with God, that nothing is too hard for him. While there is much that is too hard and impossible for me I can do all things through Christ in me. See, there's another card for me this year!

Joanne

P.S. I have really missed blogging! And thanks to my bossy friend Susan--I am journaling daily once again. As I journal I am hoping some of what I write down can become blog posts for Toben to type for me.

P.P.S. As always I am thinkful and overwhelmed by your constant and faithful prayers for me and my family.

Tears (Toben)

As a parent, does anything break your heart more than the genuine and legitimate tears of your child? I tell you what, when one of my girls cries, and has a good reason to do so, it eats me up. This morning Emma was in tears because she feels overwhelmed in her science class. that are studying things that she never covered in her last school and she feels utterly lost. Emma is such a diligent student that to feel like she is behind is crushing for her. 

So we sprung into action: a quick note to her science teacher asking for extra help adn a request for a tutor was all it took to get her calmed down enough to head out to school. She isn't feeling well on top of that so I am picking her up after her first couple of classes because she has tests and projects in them. I'll bring her home, tuck her in bed with a cup of tea (or a Sprite) and help her recuperate both physically and mentally. Poor kid!

Dad is continuing his drive home from Spokane today. The weather is bitter cold and the roads weren't great for the his drive yesterday. Hoping things are a little better going for him today. And then Bethany flies in this later late afternoon. Mom is driving to Denver to pick her up. I am not completely comfortable with mom driving in the cold and snow and might get a little pushy about allowing me to drive her up. We'll see what happens during the day. 

Yesterday was the laziest day we have had in a long time. I did one useful thing and that was it. My dad has a hunting knife that he has had since he was a kid. Audrey and I did a   little research on the knife and it turns out that it is about 100 yeas old and is somewhat valuable. My dad had been using to cut weeds out of the lawn for the last 40 years! So I took his old knife to my local knife store and asked them to fix it up a bit. They did a great job cleaning and sharpening it and I brought it home and placed it on his desk for him to find when he returns tonight. He is going to have to find a new weed-cutting knife!

Other then that, we watched football and movies yesterday. I got dressed but everyone else was in PJs. I think Audrey even wore PJ's to the mall when I went out to get the knife sharpened. I think I might have worn my PJs too but it just felt a little too weird. Not that I wear strange PJs or anything...

We had a lovely fire and Joanne sat right in front of it and read much of the day. Very relaxing!

Prayer requests:

1. Please pray for a safe return home for Bethany and my dad.

2. Please pray that Emma would get caught up at school and that whe would feel confident in her studies.

Toben

Strokeaversary #2 (Toben)

Today marks the second anniversary of Joanne's stroke. Can it really be two years? It doesn't feel like it. In a lot of ways it feels like it just happened. Starting this morning I have been having flashbacks. I looked at my watch at 8:45 and instantly realized that that is when Audrey called me in a panic that something was wrong with mom. 9:15 at the emergency room. 10:00 into radiology, and so on. I remember every detail of that day. It was probably the longest day of my life. The hours spent not knowing if she would live or die were the hardest, most surreal hours of my life. I remember thinking, "This isn't really happening." But it was.

I imagine this whole weekend will be a little difficult because in the immediate days after the stroke the family had to make the toughest decisions any of us are likely to have to make. We literally held Joanne's life in out hands and we had to make decisions for which no outcome was guaranteed. Dark days. 

I also remember friends and family. Joanne's folk, my folks, Wade and Kristen and Jamie and Kristin. They were all there. I remember how comforting it was to have them around and how each helped me make it through.

One story I'm not sure I've told. If you know Kristin Franklin then you will get this. When Joanne got moved to ICU her phone and my phone were ringing off the hook and literally dozens of text messages were coming through as word spread through facebook and twitter about what had happened. Kristin said, "Give me those phones. You don't need to be worrying about this." So I turned over the phone and she took care of it. In coming days she would prove to be a great security guard, keeping people from wanderign back to Joanne's room--the ICU was pretty easy to access. She would grab people as they got off the elevator and would ask them, "Who are you here to see?" If they sai,"Joanne" she would kindly inform them that Joanne wasn't accepting visitors. Everyone else was allowed to pass. Kristin rocks! 

And Jaime took me for a lot of walk through the hospital. He would sense the pressure and emotion building and would say, "Let's take a walk." And we would wander around the hospital. He would buy me a Diet Coke. We would chat about whatever and then he would return me to the waiting room or two Joanne's room with a little bit of sanity restored. I'll always appreciate that about those two. They have truly stuck with us. 

Of course the family has been amazing too. As luck would have it, my computer died a couple of days after Joanne went into ICU. Wade hooked me up with a new MacBook, the one I am writing this post on. In fact I wrote perhaps the most important blog on this computer after Wade gifted it to me. It was one of the first posts about the stroke and over 60,000 people read that post. And since then we have had over 2.5 million visits to the blog. And it's all thanks to Wade taking care of my technological needs. Thanks again Wade!

And Kristen (Joanne's sister) was in charge of "mood." She brought in flowers and art and music to and sat holding Joanne's hand while Joanne was in a coma and couldn't really appreciate it all. But I appreciated it, and I know everyone else did too. It gave some tranquility and dignity to a place that is by its very nature short on both. 

I guess you never really know how strong a bond is until it's tested and man, has Joanne's stroke tested bonds! But both our families have stepped up in major ways to help us make it through to this point. I am so thankful for thier love and support. 

And to all of you who have read the blog and faithfully prayed for our family, I am so thankful for you. You are the reason I write these posts in the first place. I know that if I put something on line that it will get prayed for. That's more than enough reason to post. I thank god for the army of prayer warriors who have come along side us. There have been a number of you have have commented and let me know ou were praying, and countless others that I know are praying even though they don't comment. And then there is Shanna, who comes to the house to pray with Joanne every week. Yet another faithful friend who has stuck like glue to Joanne since her stroke. 

So for the rest of the day and through this weekend I am going to try not to focus on how tough things are, how much hurt there is at all that has been lost, but I am going ot try to turn my thoughts to what I am thankful for. Maybe I'll post a list tomorrow or Sunday.

Do you remember where you were when you heard about Joanne's stroke?

Toben

 

 

School Update (Toben)

I have no idea what happened but Audrey had a GREAT DAY at school! She came home higher than a kite. Apparently she really connected with a couple of teachers. Thank you Jesus!

Back to School (Toben)

Both Audrey and Emma returned to school this week to very mixed results.

Emma is doing great! She jumped right in and is enjoying her classes and has already made two friends. One of the girls she has gotten to know is the daughter of Joanne's best friend from ninth grade. What a small world deal that is! Also, based on some testing and on her transcripts Emma has been placed in advanced Math and English. It'll be so good for her to be challenged. I think she spent a little time coasting at Denver Christian because she is such a smart kid with a solid work ethic. So far everything looks good for Emma in terms of her integration and success at her new middle school. She even mastered getting her locker open which was a real concern for her.

Audrey is a little bit miserable. Granted, she has only had one day of school, but she "hates" it. It needs to be said that Audrey has "hated" every school she has attended so this is nothing new. I am very hopeful that she will make a friend or two. I think that would really change the picture for her. She had her best friend from Creek come down to the Springs last weekend which was a good deal, but it turns out that that friend is going to move to Tennessee so Audrey is bummed about that.

I just hurt for Audrey because she has a hard life. I think some kids that act like Audrey need a good smack in the head, but when I look at Audrey's reality and it is pretty tough. She has lost a connection with her mom in a lot of ways, she had to move house, move schools, lose touch with friends. And she is a 14 year old girl, which I am convinced has to be the most difficult thing to be. For whatever reason, I feel an enormous amount of compassion and empathy toward her. I feel like if just one thing could go really right for her it would begin to change everything. 

I tried to brighten her day this past weekend by taking her to get her eyebrow pierced. She has wanted a new piercing for a long time and we worked together to find the best tattoo shop in town and on Saturday we went in and got it done. The guy who does their piercing is a real pro. She has had a number of piercing from a guy in Denver who we really liked but this guy down her is every bit as good in my estimation. The piercing looks so good on her. Now she is trying to figure out what she wants done next--which I have told her will be a long ways off! She even has plan for her first tattoo; full back angel wings! I have tried to explain to her how long and how many sittings it'll take to get that done but she is determined. Of course she won't get a tattoo until after she turns 18 and I will get a vote on what she gets and who does the work. 

Joanne is hanging in there. As we come up on the second anniversary of her stroke I think she is struggling because after all this time she still faces a lot of challenges that she thought would be behind her. I try to boost her spirits. For example, she loves the carrot cake at the neighborhood deli so today she will have that for lunch. It's nutritious because it has carrots, right? She is still spending a lot of time reading each day, and since my folks have TV she has enjoyed watching "What not to Wear" on TLC. Her friend Kristin is coming to take her out for coffee on Friday which will be a great treat. But even much more so than Audrey, Joanne has a tough go of it. She is in constant pain and has so much trouble getting around. Wish I could fix it for her! 

Prayer Requests:

1. Praise for Emma's experience at school!!!

2. Please pray that Audrey would make a friend or two. That could be a game changer for her. And is you could also just pray that a good thing would happen for her that would be great.

3. Please pray for peace for Joanne. Her daily life is a struggle and she gets so down about it. Pray for a boost in her spirits.

Toben

Back At It (Toben)

Well, we are slowly getting back at it after the holidays. We are getting ready for the girls to head back to school on Monday.  I think Emma is reasonably ready to go but Audrey is pretty distressed. I would have thought it would have been the other way around. Emma is going from a class of 30 to a class of 300 whereas Audrey is going from a class of 1000 to a class of 300. I think what is really hard on Audrey is that she is leaving her friends. However, I have let her know that her friends are welcome to come to the Springs any time they want--I'll even drive both ways if it keeps her happy and her friendships connected. Of course shes texting and talking to her friends all the time so at least technology is helping.

Now that we are in the Springs I am able to go into the office every day! From my parent's house it takes me exactly 5 minutes to get to the office. I know that might seem like a drag to some people, but it is a real bonus for me. I love the office and the people that work there. I get to work with such a great team and it is fun to feel like I am contributing. It is incredible to not have a one hour commute on either side of my work day. Good stuff!

My dad and I have been able to take a couple of hikes over the break. The most memorable one was a night hike up Cutler Mountain. The moon was full and we went with the Colorado Mountain Club. It gave us great views of the city and the moon was amazing.  The hike was only about 3 miles round trip but it was also about 13 degrees out! My brother-in-law Wade gave me some great outerwear for Christmas so I had totally great clothes to wear and my boots that my dad got for me worked great. It was fun to hike with some new people--there were definitely a few "characters" but it kept things interesting.

Yesterday Emma came with us on a hike. For Christmas my dad completely outfitted Emma for hiking and Joanne and I had gotten her some hiking boots. She has a great kids pack, a water bottle, a pocket knife (her favorite gift of all), a fleece hat and hoodie, and some hiking socks. She is ready to go. She came on a 2 mile walk with us yesterday at Ute Valley Park, which is just five miles away, and she did great. Again it was very cold out but Emma was a trooper--no complaining and she really keeps up a pretty good pace. Fun to hike with her and dad.

Joanne is settling in to life at my parents house. She, as well as the girls, are thrilled to have access to TV. We haven't had TV for about 3 years so they have a lot of catching up to do. Joanne's favorite is "What Not To Wear." Emma is glued to Animal Planet. I have to admit that I am stoked to be in front of the TV for bowl season. I have always really loved college football so I am basking in the opportunity to watch.

We are eating well too! When we were in Denver I had a very limited menu of things I could prepare for the family. We ate a lot of pasta, ramen, eggs, and other stuff that was easy to put together. Here we are getting home cooked meals every night. I jumped in this week and volunteered to cook dinner. I made homemade meatballs and a great sauce. Unfortunatly my meatballs ran over the edge of the pan and trashed the oven and made the whole house fill up with smoke. I was trying to do something helpful and ended up just making a mess! But the meal was tasty.

We are almost moved out of our house. We probably have just a half dozen boxes to move into storage and a few pieces of furniture to get loaded out. Then my mom and I will "stage" the house for showing. Praying that the house sells quickly!

I guess that's about it.

Prayer requests:

1. Please pray that we can finish getting the house in order and that it will show well and sell quickly.

2. Please pray that the girls would have a good first week of school. Maybe they will each find a friend. That would be huge!

3. I am so thankful for a good job. I know a lot of people who have been out of work; some of them for a long time. So I feel blessed that I am able to make a living.

Toben

 

 

 

21 years (Toben)

21 years ago today Joanne and I got married. She was 19 and I was 21. And as young as we were I don't think we were really able to comprehend what our vows really meant. When we said "for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health" there is no way we could have known what that vow, that promise made before God, really meant. I think when I said it I figured it meant that if Joanne caught a cold I would bring her soup. But I know now that it meant, and means, so much more then that now.

If you are reading this you know the whole story. But maybe you don't know about this:

It was late in the ICU. Visitors were supposed to get kicked out at 11 but I rarely left that early. The nurses, John or Erin mostly, were ok with me staying a little later because I stayed out of the way, sat in a chair in the dark corner of Joanne's room and wrote this blog and thought about what all this meant. Sometimes I would get writers block or get tired of sitting so I would go for a little stroll around the ICU floor. There was always a hum to the place, even so late at night, as nearly everyone was hooked up to some sort of humming, pulsating, beeping machine that was keeping them alive in some form or fashion. But it was void of human sounds. Just machines.

So one night, about a week into this mess, as I was walking I thought to myself, "What's changed?" At this point we had no way of knowing how Joanne would pull through. She was still in a coma, her inter-cranial pressure numbers were still high, and she was missing half her skull. Not a rosy picture. Doctors told us so many different and conflicting things. One would tell us that within a few weeks Joanne would be walking out of the ICU under her own power. Others would say that she might never come out of her coma and that if she did, she would be vegatative at best. And everything in between. 

So on this night, the little voice in the back of my head kept asking, "What's changed?" And I remember thinking very clearly: everything and nothing at all. Having a massive stroke is a watershed event after which nothing can return to the way it was before. But in a couple of very important ways, nothing had changed. Joanne and I were still married, we still had two beautiful kids together, we still shared a life, she was still my favorite person in the world and the one I wanted to be with more than any other. Oh yeah, and we had this vow, taken 19 years before, that meant that when this thing happened, this very event, this stroke, that we were going to stick together. Nothing changed that.

I think I almost literally slapped my hand to my forhead as it dawned on me, "This is what 'in sickness and in health really means.'"  

And it has become my mantra. I think it to myself every day, most often when I am putting Joanne's socks on her after a shower. You see, to do this I sit on the tile floor between the toilet and the shower--I sort of get wedged in there, I am a good sized guy pushing 225 so this is no easy task.  And I pull on her socks and put on her night AFO (ankle-foot orthotic) and I think, "in sickness and in health." and when I get up with her in the night I think, "in sickness and in health." And through other various challenges too numerous to mention, those words, that vow, comes to mind. And it calms me and gives me perspective. It reminds me that I'm not doing Joanne any fovors by caring for her, I'm just keeping a promise. If I was doing her favors, I think I would easily tire of that and could go bitter very fast.

Maybe that doesn't make sense but to me it is the equivalent of the serenity prayer that addicts are taught to pray to steady them when things get tough. For me it is the same thing. When I remind myself and repeat my mantra it keeps everything in balance. Because there is no "but" or "if" in that vow we took now 21 years ago. It is purely declarative. I will stick with you, I will be by your side no matter how sick you get, no matter how much you lose. And not just for today or this week but for the rest of our lives. 

Now to be clear, repeating this mantra doesn't make things easier. It doesn't cheer me up when things are difficult. All it does is remind me of a promise I made. And then I have to go inside myself and ask this question: will I keep my promise. Becasue doing it and saying it are two very different things. So I have to look to my own character, to my own sense of self, to answer the question. I made a promise but am I a guy who keeps promises. 

So far I am and with God's mercy I intend to be going forward until the end of this crazy ride. So we will pass the 21 year mark knowing one thing for sure; where ever this journey takes us, we're sticking together. We have a ritual almost every night when I tuck Jo into bed. We lock pinkings and one of us will say, 'We made it through another day." And the pinkies? That's our way of reminding each other that we are going to stick together. A pinkie promise.  Not sure how that got started but I know it did before Joanne could even talk. Non-verbally we figured out how to affirm our vow. 

It's ironic to me that I am writing this post at 1 a.m. which is about the time I would be wrapping up to go home when Joanne was in ICU. I never stay up this late any more but for some reason, tonight, here I am taking this trip down memory lane and this look deep inside me, remembering that everything has changed and nothing has changed at all.

Toben

This and That (Toben)

Audrey had a rough day today: it was her last day at Creek so it was also the last day that she had at school with her friends. Not that those friendships need fall by the wayside now that she isn't at Creek anymore. We talked about it and I reminded her of how thing used to be.

To keep in touch with far away friends I actually had to write letters. Long distance phone calls were a "luxury" but stamps were affordable. I had a bunch of friends in California when I was in high school (I spent some of my summer vacations with my aunt and uncle who lived in SoCal) and I remember writing a letter a day to keep in touch. And when I was in college Joanne and I communicated through the mail my freshman year, when she was still at home in high school. 

Audrey rolled her eyes. Ancient history, I get it. I reminded her that in this day and age she has a dozen ways of staying in touch with her friends: text, email, facebook, twitter, phone, instagram, blog, skype, etc.. Ok, maybe not a dozen but a ton of ways to stay in touch. I think that made her feel a little better. I also reminded her that we will probably be up at the house a couple of times a week until it sells, so we can pick up her friends whenever she wants. I think that made her feel a little better. Whew!

Tomorrow we head to the Springs. Jo's dad has graciously given us use of the truck and we will be filling it to the brim with all our stuff. We have been transporting things down to my folk's house for the last couple of weeks so much of what we need is already down there. But we are bringing a lot with us tomorrow. Interestingly, the move is showing me the difference between what I have and what I really need.

For example, I am only brining the following clothing items to my parents:

5 pants

6 t-shirts

6 undersirts

4 short sleeved button down shirts

4 long sleeve button down shirts

Assorted socks, underwear and PJs

5 pairs of shoes

2 jackets

3 sweaters

That may look like a lot, but compared to what I used to have, this is a very small and essential list. Truth be told, I could probably pare it down a little is I needed to. I used to have over 20 pairs of shoes. I had at least 10 pairs of jeans and another 10 pairs of pants. I had dozens of t-shirts. You get the picture. So to me, it feels good to have so greatly scaled back my wardrobe.

Here is a weird thing about me: when I find something I like I buy multiples. So my 5 pairs of pants? All the same, just in differnet colors. T-shirts? All made by the same company. My button downs? Same brand all from Target. Do you do that? Do you buy multiples of the same thing if you like the item? Is that just a guy thing? See, I really don't care to be fashionable. I like to be functional. Not that the two are mutually exclusive but I am definitely function over fashion these days. I am sure that's becasue I am getting older and really don't care much what I look like. Life has too much drama for me to worry about what to wear. 

Wow, I am sounding like a cranky old man! Nothing against old men.

Joanne's wardrobe has been pared back quite a bit too. Emma has scaled back. Audrey on the other hand has tons of clothes. She filled the back of my dads SUV with bins and bins of clothing. I think she could probably go a month without doing laundry...maybe longer. But 14 year old girls are supposed to be way more in to fashion than there 42 year old dads. So no nudging from me for her to thin her wardrobe out. I say, "Go for it girl! If you enjoy having so many clothes more power to you." Of course it is easy to take this position becasue she gets most of her clothes at thrift stores. If she was shopping at Abercrombie or Urban Outfitters I would be singing a different tune. But most of her clothing items cost $3.99 or less. Yes!

As I write this Emma is sitting in the chair next to me sniffling away. Poor girl has a cold. Her nose is so red from blowing it all day. I feel terrible for her. We are highly germ conscious as a family becasue we don't want Joanne to get sick so we wash hands a lot, don't share drinks, etc.. But every once in a while a pesky germ follows one of the girls home from school. I hope Emma feels better soon so that she can fully enjoy her Christmas break.

I guess that's about it.

Toben

 

Real Snow! (Toben)

We are finally getting some real snow here along the front range of the Rocky Mountains. We only have a couple inches at this point but it is really coming down and we are expected to get another two or three inches. So not a lot of snow, but at least it's something. I am not a fan of winter, but I am glad that Colorado is getting snowed on because we really need the water come summer time. 

Today is Emma's last day of school at Denver Christian. She starts her new school on the 7th so she is going to have a nice long break. Audrey has school through the rest of the week and will be off after school on Friday. Again, she doesn't start until the 7th. Both girls are excited because school starts much later for them then it currently does. Audrey has an extra 45 minutes in the morning and Emma has an extra half hour. May not sound like much but the parents here will attest, every little bit of time in the morning is a blessing. 

Our house is a disaster. In the process of moving out all the stuff gets displaced and set out to be boxed up. I am straightening up as much as possible every day and putting things in boxes. The girls are really working hard on their rooms and my mom has been a super-packer, attacking one room at a time until it is in ship shape. So far we have about three rooms that are really sorted out--living room, dining room and kitchen table area. The basement is also very close to being done. Tomorrow my mom finishes up the kitchen and will help Emma get her room in order. 

We move to the Springs on Saturday. Doesn't mean we won't be back up at the house a lot getting it ready to show, but we will spend our nights in the Springs. I am really looking forward to the move. I just want to be down there and get on with it. I think our space at my folks house is really great. Plenty of room and well put together. it's comfortable. Plus they have TV, which Emma especially is so excited about. She can sit in her bed and watch shows. 

We will be back and forth between families this Christmas. We are celebrating with Joanne's sister's family and her folks on the 23rd. Then we are doing Christmas with my folks on the 24th. And then we are back up to Jo's folks on the 25th for brunch. The weather is supposed to be nice over the weekend so snow driving shouldn't be a problem (thank goodness). I am excited to give the few gifts that we have been able to buy. Emma already got her gift from Jo and I--a very cool pair of hiking boots. And Audrey got her present--a new screen for her MacBook Air (which mysteriously got shattered). I know what my folk have gotten for the girls and they are going to love their gifts.

I guess that's about it.

Prayer requests:

1. Please continue to pray for the move. So much to get done! 

2. Please pray that the house would sell quickly and for a fair price.

3. Praise that the girls are registered at their respective schools and feeling good about where they will be next semester.

Toben

 

A Quick Hike (Toben)

I like hiking. Not long, strenuous hikes, but nice, short, brisk hikes. It clears my head and gets me some fresh air and physical exercise. So when my dad called yesterday to ask if Emma and I would be up for a hike today, I jumped at it.  We went to Roxborough State Park, just about half and hour from our home and it was beautiful! The weather was very cool but manageable. And the fresh air was so amazing. I take air for granted, but when I get a good snoot-full of cool, crisp Rocky Mountain air I remember how lucky I am to live here in Colorado. Felt good to get my heart rate up a little too.

Emma is a hiker. In fact she may like hikes even more than I do. And she loves hiking with my dad, her Papa. My dad is pretty amazing with Emma. He lets her set the pace and follows her lead. She gets such a kick getting off the main trail and exploring. And she always has her camera at the ready. For Christmas Joanne and I were able to get her a pair of hiking boots on Amazon thanks to a gift card that Joanne received. They are so cool and so much better than the runners that she has been wearing to hike. These have great tread and a lot of support for her feet and ankles. She loves them! I won't give it away but this Christmas will definitely be a good one for her future outdoor adventures. 

We had a lot of fun today talking about future adventures. We are going to spend a fair share of time in Rocky Mountain National Park starting in the Spring. Emma is determined that she will take at least one 7 mile hike. Not sure why she picked this number, but we'll go for it by the end of the season. We have a lot of shorter hikes to do before we'll be ready to tackle something that long (I realize 7 miles is nothing for a real hiker, but like I said, I am a casual hiker at best).

Today also involved a lot of packing and cleaning for the girls. Their rooms need a lot of attention and they both really worked hard today, getting the junk out of their rooms and out to the curb, sorting through clothes and putting things in "keep" piles and "give" piles. They did great. I think they are both ready to wrap things up and get down to the Springs.

Speaking of which: Emma was at her new school (Eagleview) on Friday for orientation and math placement testing. In short, she rocked! She figures she got an easy "A" on her placement test and finished the 45 minute exam in about half the time. The kid is sharp! She left feeling really good about her new school and is anticipating getting started after the break. She also got to choose her electives and put photography as her first choice. I hope she gets it! That would make the transition just that much better.

Audrey goes to Air Academy tomorrow for her orientation. It is a little weird and kind of cool to be sending her off to the school that Jo and I graduated from over 20 years ago. I think she is going to love it. We've been talking about it and she said, "If I can handle Creek (with 4000 students) I can handle anything." And I think she's right. Air Academy has only 1200 students so I think it'll feel very manageable to her. I'll update in my next post on how her orientation went. 

I think the move is hardest on Joanne. She is leaving her nest, which she so carefully put together over the years. In the long run I think she'll feel like we made the right decision to downsize and get a place that's more conducive to her level of mobility but in the interim it really stinks for her. It is especially difficult for her to have so much activity going on around her and her being limited in what she can do to help. I wish I could make this easier on her but I'm just not sure how to do that. 

Anyhow, as I write this everyone is pretty well tucked in for the evening. Joanne is in bed reading her Kindle. Emma is watching a movie and Audrey is listening to music and playing with clay (her new favorite artistic expression). Feels good to have everyone here together and settled. As you know from previous posts, nothing makes me happier than to have all my girls under one roof. 

Prayer requests:

1. Please pray that Audrey would have a good time at Air Academy tomorrow and would be energized by the idea of heading there after break.

2. Big praise the Emma's time at Eagleveiw was such a smashing success. The transition for her is a big one going form a class of 30 to a class of 300! But she is excited and ready to go. Thank you Jesus!

3. Please lift up Joanne as she struggles with this move. 

Toben

Moving (Toben)

Short post just to update you: We are moving to Colorado Springs. We have been thinking about it for a while and the time has come to go for it. There are lots of reasons for the move and I won't go into all of them here but one big one is that my job is in the Springs and moving down there will allow me to cut my commute from 2 hours daily to 10 minutes. How cool is that? 

The girls are already enrolled in school and will go for their placement testing and tour of the school later this week and early next week. They are both doing well with the idea of moving which is a real blessing. I think that some of it is that it represents a new start--something we desperately need. Again, over the next weeks I'll go into more detail.

We are going to put our house on the market the first of the year so we still have a TON to do to before we move out. We are leaving a bunch of stuff so that the house will be "staged" for showing, but everything else needs to go. I have to give special recognition to my mom and to Audrey. They make quite a team when it comes to getting things packed up. You should see these two attack a project! We will be workng on finishing everything up over the next three weeks.

We are going to live with my folks until the house sells. They have done an amazing job of making space for us and we have gotten to stay down there for a few weekends and it has worked really well. They have a great basement with lots of room and so we'll be in a good place until the time comes to move into our own place. 

Sorry for the short post. I just wanted to let you all know what's going on. I will write a longer post when I have time and as I have the creative juices flowing--feeling a little flat these days. So much to do!

Prayer requests:

1. Please pray that we are able to get the house in order over the next couple of weeks.

2. Please pray that the house would sell quickly!

3. Please pray for the girl's transition.

Toben

 

Speed Shopping (Toben)

I do the grocery shopping at our house. I shop at Target because I know where everything is. I know it's not the cheapest, but I tried to shop at the Walmarts a couple of times and got utterly lost and frustrated. Since Joanne usually stays home by herself while I shop I am motivated to go as fast as I can because I don't like leaving Joanne home alone. So Target it is. 

Here are my secrets: make a list. I try to always know what I am going for before I head out the door. If I try to remember stuff I always forget something, and it is usually the most important something. 

I mentally plan my path through the store. This is a little weird, but as I drive to the store I visualize the path I will take through the store. I guess a lot of elite athletes visualize their event before participating so why should I be any different? Pharmacy, then the bread aisle, cereal and then dairy. Check.

Get a cart that works. I don't have time for a cart with a sticky wheel. If I pull out a cart and it fights me, I abandon it and go back for a new cart. I also won't use carts that pull to the left or the right. I need the cart to be on the team!

Stay alert: there may be something that I needed that I forgot to put on the list. I can't get too focused on the list that I forget to grab a can of Salt and Vinegar Pringles for Emma's lunch when I walk down the chip aisle.  

This morning I had a list of 20 items and the entire trip from my house, through the store and home took half an hour. Joanne says I am a shopping super hero and that I need to wear a cape when I grocery shop.  I don't think so...it might slow me down.

Toben