Joanne Heim

It's Just a Pole (Toben)

I watched a series on youtube about how Navy Sailors become Navy Seals. It's crazy! Each class starts out with about 200 men and ends up graduating about a dozen or so Seals at the end of 6 months of training. It is brutal! In this series there was one guy who made it the whole way through that I was really effected by. He always seemed to have a smile on his face and made jokes (and often got the worst of it because of his comments). But he just had this great attitude--"throw everything you've got at me. I may only get one shot at this and I am going to have the time of my life going for the prize to be a Seal. The only way you'll stop me is if you kill me!"

I would never have picked this guy to make it. He was a jokester and a bit of a clown and yet he was tough as nails and never, ever cut corners. He was "squared away" as they say. He had a rock-solid core and nothing could shake him. He was such a very odd combination of resolve and relaxation.

After watching this series and seeing this guy make it through I thought, "I want to be that guy." I want to be able to maintain a good attitude, keep a sense of humor and at the same time have unshakeable core that allows me to do what others might think impossible. Strange how God could use a video series totally unrelated to my life to give me encouragement and a life lesson.

One of the things that I noticed about the training and about this guy is that after the shock and awe of any new experience wears off then it's just about sucking it up and going for it. One of the exercises they made these guys do was to haul around a ridiculously heavy  pole about 12 feet long and 18 inches in diameter that had been soaking in ocean water. I have no idea what it weighed but it was hundreds of pounds. Teams were assigned (about 10 to a team) and these guys had to haul that pole up sand hills and down sand hills and take it for runs in the surf and almost anything else you can imagine doing with a massive pole. It was their task, their assignment, their burden and ever present.

After they picked it up for the first time you could see some of the guys wilt, "This is too much to bear." And a lot of those guys rang the bell, left their helmet on the sidewalk and left the program. But this guy, who I came to admire, took the attitude, "This is our pole, and it ain't going to get any heavier. So if I can lift it today I can lift it tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that. It's just a heavy pole."

Man, if I could have that guys attitude! I think some of it is in-born and some of it is a gift. In all humility I think I have some of that in-born attitude (nature)--kind of that "bring it on mentality."  I am pretty level headed and pretty creative about how to do the best I can with what is available. I also think some of it was how I was brought up (nurture).  I have an ability to cope with some weirdness

So why am I telling you this? Joanne says she feels like a burden, and she feels like I bear the weight of that burden. But here's the truth: on January 11, 2011,  I made a choice. I told God, "However this turns out, I will take care of Joanne." I literally prayed that. Maybe the most simple prayer I have ever prayed. But that was it. And I meant it with every fiber of my being.

So now we have certain challenges as a family and I have certain responsibilities but, much like that soon-to-be Seal I can say, "This is my pole. I can lift it today and I can lift it tomorrow and if they ask me to lift it every day for the rest of my life, I'll lift it." But what I want today, a mean really long for, is the ability to do what I have to do with a smile on my face, and a little chuckle just under the surface. I want to go into situations with Joanne or the girls and think, "This is crazy! Oh well, bring it on and let's see if we can have some fun with it!"

And I want that because those are the guys that make it in the long run! The ones that try to "man up" and take everything so seriously and draw from a place of their own personal toughness? A lot of them washed out because one day that "toughness" didn't show up.

Here's another lesson: the guy who made it? He complained. When something was hard he would call it what it was. Actually some of the humor of the show was just listening to this guy talk about how horrible everything was! He didn't try to sugar coat it and make the hard stuff any less hard. He would say, "That was terrible! I can't believe we had to do that. But we did it so what's next?" This made me realize that it is OK for me to be honest with close friends and family about how hard some of these daily challenges really are. Doesn't mean I can't or won't rise to the occasion. I know I can do that. But I don't always have to put a big yellow smiley-face on everything too.

So that's my goal, my mission: to be that Navy Seal who looks adversity in the eye with a little smile on his face and says, "It's just a pole. This is going to be hard. What's next?" 

 

 

Dear All Of You (Joanne)

When I stop and think of how many of you have prayed for me over the last year and a half, I am floored! Thank you will never be enough. There is no way I could ever repay the favor. I am forever in your debt. And so every day I pray for you knowing you set aside your own requests and concerns to pray for me. And I pray that God will answer those things that you set aside because he knows what those things are even if you don't lift them up. 

If there is somethign specific I can pray for you, please let me know. It would be my joy.

Love you all,

Joanne

This and That (Toben)

I asked Joanne what I should blog about. She is trying to take a nap so asking her that question, at this time, probably won't get the best response. How about an, "I don't know." Fair enough. But I feel like catching you all up on the Heim's.

I was almost out the door to work today when Gran came over and told me that I-25 was closed due to an accident. I called Ryan and he told me not to worry about fighting the traffic to get down to the Springs. I am working on a very cool book project for him so getting more time to write in my favorite space was a good thing--I love sitting at the kitchen table and having at it. I find that I do most of my writing there. I cranked out about 3000 words, which for me is pretty good at a sitting. Now I will spend time buffing up the work I have done and try to give it a little polish.

I am a strong believer in the cruddy-first-draft camp: get it on the page and fix it later. It feels so good to be writing again! I am a little surprised. I have been blogging but that feels different somehow than working on a manuscript or a proposal. I think it's like jumping into a cold pool on a hot summer day. it feels bad for about 10 seconds and then it feels so good! Tackling a book project feels much the same for me. Getting those first words down is TOUGH, but after that it's a pretty good rush!

I did something that I haven't done for a LONG time. I actually started with an outline. This is like writing 101 but I actually write one down and then followed it up with chapter summaries. Crazy how the basics still apply even when you have a few books under your belt.

But enough about me. I know you come to the blog to hear about Joanne so here you go:

Joanne got a GREAT haircut this past weekend. She hadn't had it cut in months and months so we made her an appointment with Jlynn (our favorite) and she got a great looking (and easy to style) new haircut. Here is the deal--some haircuts require a thing called a "flat-iron." I call it a burned off ear lobe waiting to happen. So I pleaded with Joanne and Jlynn, "nothing that will involve me flat-ironing Joanne's hair!" Well they heard my pleas and I don't have to pick up that instrument of potential torture. Joanne looks like a million bucks and can pretty much do her hair herself with one hand. Of course Audrey and I both have opinions on how it should be done so one or the other of us is always up in Joanne's business while she is styling, but such is life.

Life has been pretty quiet since Beth Moore a couple of weeks ago. Sister Kristen was nice enough to bring dinner the other night. We have make-it-yourself pizzas. She made the dough up fresh, cooked it on the griddle then we each got to "decorate" our own pizza and pop it in the oven. Oh my gosh it was good! I think the best part was the fresh mozzerella.

Joanne is sad lately. I think she is has been hit again with the notion of all that she has lost. Not sure what has brought this on, but the loss of identity and ability to do the things she used to love is definitely in play. I can't imagine what it must be like to have lost the use of a limb! If her arm and hand still worked, she would be typing this blog, but one-handed typing is hard for her and she doesn't like it so there that goes out the window. If her arm and hand still worked she would still be crafting, cooking, and doing all sorts of other things that she enjoys. But as she says, "My left hand isn't on the team!" 

What about her leg and foot? If they still worked she would be running--something she misses more than almost anything. She would be able to get around the house easier. She could get in and out of the car, walk around the grocery store or the mall without a struggle. 

But she has lost both, and that is bugging her a lot lately. Why didn't the stroke just take one and leave the other? How nice that would be! Well, that's not how strokes work I guess. You loose the left side or the right side, but your definitely loosing a whole side! I have on-going conversations with her massive team of doctors, shooting off emails about this and that and looking for guidance and encouragement. I guess I am looking for the magic bullet--the one thing she can do that'll fix it! But none of them posses such knowledge...nor do I really expect them to have it. But I am compelled to ask and they are nice enough to respond. But the news is mostly sad.

So we fill Joanne's days in simple ways. She always looks forward to a good breakfast, which Emma always makes for her. One waffle, properly crispy, with butter and syrup topped with two eggs over medium. She has had this every days for months except on donut days which happen on either Saturday or Sunday.

If it is nice out and not too hot Joanne enjoys sitting on the deck. We ahve a little pond (which she dug a couple of years ago) and it makes a nice, relaxing sound. She spend a good amount of time each morning reading her Kindle. I am never sure what book she is into but she loves spy novels. Then there is second breakfast. Some would call it an early lunch but to Joanne it is second breakfast. Maybe a little more time reading then she is often upstairs for a rest. She especially enjoys it when her cat Joey joins her (which he has today).

And that's about it. Sometimes there are errands to run or trips to make her and there to picj up or drop off this or that. But mostly she is here, in the house. She is rarely alone though. Emma tends to stick close and I am never far away. Audrey is in "Audrey world." She is almost 14 and I suppose that is to be expected. So that's about it.

Emma is over cooking with Gran today. They are making all kinds of yummy things, some of which will make their way into our home to be gobbled up.

Audrey is off to Walgreen's. This probably doesn't sound like a big deal but she does have to cross a pretty good sized road to get there. I want to protect her and tell her "no way are you going across that road!" but the kid is almost 14. So off she goes, finding her freedom. I am OK with that. Oh my gosh, when I was 14 I had the run of the neighborhood. Joanne too. We used to go MILES from home with instructions to "be home by dinner." And I think that started when I was about 10! Audrey is 14 and if she wants to go to Walgreen's, I need to let her give it a go. I sent her out the door with instruction not to get run-over. Plus I said a little prayer to the same effect.

So, it's not thrilling but it is an update none the less. I have been deeply encouraged by a number of comments and emails that have come to Joanne's facebook account or through the blog comments. It means so much to both of us to hear from everyone and to know that people are praying. Speaking of which:

Prayer requests:

1. Please pray for Joanne's spirits as she is down lately. She needs encouragement.

2. Please pray that those of us closest to Joanne will have wisdom, compassion, encouragement, and patience. 

3. Please pray that Audrey doesn't get run over, literally or figuratively, as she finds her freedom.

Toben

 

Craving Normal (Toben)

I was sitting in my big chair this morning while everyone was still sleeping. I got thinking about January 10, 2011: the last day everything was normal. I don't think I have really stopped and counted the ways in which our new normal is different from our old normal. I am sure the list would be pages long and in the end it would just be depressing to see all that has changed. Even just in my head I can think of literally dozens of things that changed on January 11, 2011. I realized that I crave normal, in whatever form it takes. 

It struck me this morning as I was going to Kripsy Kreme to get our weekend donut splurge. I was sitting in the drive-through and I thought to myself, "This feels normal." It was something I did before the stroke. It felt good to be doing something normal. Of course that feeling doesn't last.

Joanne needs to get up which require both of us to get her dressed, get her AFO on and her shoes. And then it takes a good couple of minutes to make it down the stairs in our house. And then there are the pills that I set out; the nearly dozen pills that she has to take every morning for everything from seizure to pain to depression, etc.. So the normal act of getting donuts runs headlong in the to the new normal of extra assistance, slow movements and medications. 

On top of that I saw a women running today and something about her gait reminded me of how Joanne used to run. She often would do a five miler each day. I remember how invigorated she was when she would come home. She has nothing in her life that has replaced that activity and that feeling that she used to crave. It is hard for Joanne to see people running when we are out and about. She will often say, "I hope you appreciate it!" as we drive past. 

So today I am going to do my best (the way I do most days) to just stay in the moment and not borrow from past or concern myself with what is in our future. Either one of those rhuminations doens't lead me to a good place. I need to focus on the fact that we are still a family, that we are together and that Joanne survived a really close encounter with death but thanks to God's grace she is still here with us today. 

I hope that soemday the new normal really is just that: normal. A year and a half later it still doens't really feel that way. But until then I need the mental disicipline to take joy in the little things...like fresh from the oven Krispy Kreme donuts!

Prayer Requests:

1. Praise for the beautiful weather we are having. We have no AC so those 100 degree days last week really made the house stinking hot (alomt 90 degrees inside). But lately it has been cooler with a little rain in the afternoons. Such a blessing! Hope it lasts for a while.

2. Praise for the love that we still have in our family. Despite all the difficulties of the last 1.5 years we still love each other and maybe even more than we used to? Not sure about that but I know we are connected at a deeper level then we have ever been before.

3. Audrey is 13. Need I say more? She is struggling and has actually been to see a pediatric psychiatrist. He is trying a few things to try and even out her cataclysmic mood swings. Pray that she will find peace. She mentioned to me in the car the other day that she feels like she has grown up fast with all that has happened. I don't doubt it. Please keep her in your prayers.

Toben

Beth Moore (Toben)

I feel like I need to write more about Beth Moore as Living Proof Live was such a blessing to Joanne. So I'll start at the beginning:

Joanne asked me to go with her to Living Proof Live down in the Springs. Now I am not a Beth Moore fan, mostly because I am a guy  and Beth doesn't really appeal to most guys. But I told Joanne that of course I would take her and stay nearby in case she needed me. Our friend Holly had worked with Beth's assistant to make sure Joanne and her friends and family (5 in all) had seats on the floor of the World Arena. So after some twists and turns we ended up finding a wonderful Lifeway staffer named Robbie. She took us in tow to the elevator and down to the floor seats. Sure enough, they had 5 seats with Joanne's name on them. What a cool feeling to be so well taken care of!

So Joanne, her mom, sister and friends (Kristin, Yvette and Kathy) all took their seats as the event was about to start. So I did what any guy would do--I headed for the highest seat in the arena, I mean high, like last row. I grabbed Joanne's iPad and thought I would get on-line for awhile to kill time. But I have something to confess...I paid attention. Through the worship and through Beth's talk my attention held. Yes, I admit, I did a little texting. I did check email once or twice, but for the most part I was present. I can now say what few guys can: I attended Living Proof Live...and liked it! 

Now I acknowledge that attending, much less enjoying LPL will cost me my "man card." I accept that. I have to go through the 30 day waiting period to get it back, during which time I have to do something especially manly like steer wrestling or getting in a fist fight with Chuck Norris. But it's worth it. Here's why:

I could see Joanne from high above where I was sitting. And I observed her stand up from her wheelchair with Kristin's help.  I watched as Kristin helped her stay standing, her arm around Joanne's waist. And I saw Yvette get up and move to Joanne's other side and put her arm around Joanne as well. She was supported on both sides by two friends, so that she could fully participate in worship. 

I instantly flashed to the story of Moses and Aaron. As Moses was holding up his staff on the mountainside overlooking the Israelites, Arron helped him hold his arms up when he was too tired to do so on his own. Kristin and Yvette helped Joanne stand when she could not do it on her own. Observing that moment made the loss of my man card seem trivial at best. It was beautiful and I doubt I will soon forget it.  

After Friday night, we drove to my folks house and spent the night there. They have it well set up for Joanne and it is a very easy place for us to stay. I mean easy in that they have done what they could to make their place handicapped accessible, etc. Bonus: we got to sleep in the basement guest room and it was so nice and cool down there. When we got up early Saturday morning Joanne commented that she was, "just the perfect temerature." A nice change from our over-heated bedroom at home. So back to LP we drove and met up with the rest of our little group.

After gettign Joanne settled I still went and sat in the last row but this time for a different reason. It wasn't to escape LPL but to give Joanne and her friends and family the space they needed to really enjoy and participate in the worship and teaching together. I didn't want to get in the way of that.

So, in summary: The worship was great, Beth was great, the whole experience was great. And after it was all over Beth wanted to have a picture taken with the "Siestas" which I gather are what they call the LPL blogger community. So Joanne got to go backstage and have her picture taken with Beth. She even got a hug out of it! What a great way to finish the event--a hug from Beth, a woman who has meant so much to Joanne. 

Whew! I'm leaving out a lot but I just felt like I needed to let you all know how it all went because I know a bunch of you have also been blessed by Beth and prayed that Joanne would be able to go to, participate in and be blessed by LPL. She was...and I was too.

But I still want my man card back!

Toben

Family Matters (Toben)

This has been a good week to be a grandparent in our family. Adrey spent a very fun day with Joanne's parents at Cherry Creek State Park. She went boating, did a little fishing and ended up in the water fully dressed! She returned home with a great attitude, a smile on her face, and a killer sunburn! All signs of a good time. And she thought she didn't like camping.

Emma spent the day with my parents yesterday. They ran errands and then Emma got to go to the dealership with my dad to pick up his new Honda CRV. She was very proud to be the first official passenger in his new car. Then they came up for dinner and my sister Bethany took them swimming. After wards a great classic American dinner--baked chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, green been casserole, and stuffing. Oh, and cranberry sauce. What a treat!

After that Audrey decided she would go down to the Springs for a sleep over. We'll get her back sometime today.

Family is so important! As I look back over the last year and a half since Joanne's stroke I am profoundly struck that the experience would have been totally unmanageable without the support of our families. I literally have no idea how we would have survived without them. And here is the blessing--we still all love each other! With the stress and strain and constant presence many families go after each other and fall apart somewhere along the way. But we have managed to stick together with just a few bumps and bruises along the way. God is good! We will keep praying for his blessing and thanking him for keeping us all together.

Other news: Looks like we are getting a new roof after the hail and wind storm that passed through a coupe of weeks ago. It;s not a done deal but the insurance adjuster is recommending us for a replacement roof. What a blessing that would be! We need a new roof, no question, but to have insurance cover it would be amazing!

School update: For a number of reasons Audrey has decided to go to Cherry Creek (public) next year. She really came to the decision on her own but it is a really great thing as there is no way we were going to be able to afford to send her and Emma back to Denver Christian. On the DC side the news has been disappointing. There isn't much financial aid for Emma. We need to come up with about $4000 to cover her tuition. I have to admit that I have been discouraged over this situation. We have given so much to the school of our time and energy that I really thought they would make a better effort to keep us there. And Emma is a kid that really NEEDS a Christian middle school. She has such a tender heart. So we are in the process of figuring out what to do and calling out to the Lord for guidance. The cool thing is that Sister Kristen had a garage sale for Emma's tuition fund and made almost $1300! That's great! But we still need to find more money. Pray that God opens doors and shows us a path to keep Emma at DC! I feel like making bumper stickers: "Keep Emma at DC!"

Joanne news: We went to the podiatrist this week. Joanne's toes on her left side have been causing her pain and curling under. They don't hurt as badly as they did a few weeks ago but they are still bothering her. The podiatrist, who is also a surgeon suggested clipping the tendons and fusing Joanne's toe joints together to keep them straight. But this would be in violation of Joanne's New Years resolution: No surgeries in 2012! The podiatrist said no problem and to keep an eye on things to make sure nothing gets worse and we'll take it from there.

Other News: Living Proof Live is next weekend and everyone will be headed down to that. Joanne is really looking forward to that She has seats reserved in the front row!

Audrey saw a pediatric psychiatrist this week and is starting on a mild anti-depressant. She has really struggled with sever mood swings and he thinks this might help. He also gave her something to help regulate her sleep. She was going to bed at 9 some nights and at 3 on others. She was all over the place. He says regular sleep will help set things right for her.

Emma is a delight. Not sure what else to say about her. She shows such love and care for her mom that it breaks my heart. She is precious. I do worry about her taking too much responsibility but I think she has hit a good balance of being attentive to Joanne but still being a good, healthy 11 year old.

Wow this post has gotten LONG!

Prayer requests:

1. Please pray that Joanne has a BLAST at Livign Proof Live. This could be a real spiritual pick-me-up for Joanne. Please pray for all the logistics from getting her in and out to availabilty of handicapped restrooms, etc.

2. Please pray for Audrey and her meds that they would work wonders and help even out Audrey's mood swings. Also pray that she doesn't have some of the negative side effects that can accompany such meds.

3. Please pray that God provides for Emma's tuition gap. Very rarely in life have I been forced to my knees to plead with God for something like this, but that's the position that we are in. Simply, we need God's provision!

4. Praise! Through all the trial of the last year Joanne and I have a stronger marriage than ever! We have pulled so much closer together and we are in sync like never before. I love the opportunity to help her and care for her and she knows now beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am crazy about her.

5. Finally, a big praise for family, without whom we would be up a creek without a paddle. Praise God for loving, Godly parents who have surrounded us with love and support.

Toben

 

Everyone In The Pool

Yesterday was a big day! We went to the neighborhood pool, which has been a staple of our days in summer's past, and Joanne got int he water! Now, this may seem like a minor deal but for Joanne to go in the pool is a big accomplishment. First of all she had to overcome the embarrassment of being carried into the water. As you can imagine it makes her feel a little weird to have me scoop her up and get her in the pool. But she did it. And what a great time she had. First, she walked around the edge of the pool and then one of the lifeguards grabbed her a noodle and she floated around for the better part of an hour.

I can't image what it must have felt like for her to be weightless after having so much stress on her body for so long. And I know it felt good on her left leg-ankle-foot to be in the cool water. After she was done I scooped her back up and we got her back on her lounge chair. She really enjoyed herself, and that's not an everyday occurrence around here. Most days it's survival mode, but yesterday was fun! We will definitely be back at the pool again many times this summer.

The downside of the whole thing, if there is any, is that I didn't use sunscreen. I sprayed down Emma and Joanne and thought "I'll just stay in the shade." But apparently when you sit under a pergola you only get the "illusion" of being in the shade. I have a striped sunburn. And it hurts. Alot. Next time I will be wiser and get that sunscreen going no matter what.

It was hot here yesterday getting into the low 90s but today it is a much cooler 70 degree day so we are all out on the deck enjoying the nice  weather and a cool breeze.

One last thing: May dad turned 70 yesterday. He and my mom went to Aspen for a few days to celebrate but we will get to celebrate with them on their way back through town tomorrow. My dad is a good man and is entering a great stage of life where he will be able to enjoy his hobbies (biking, photography and hiking) and his family and friends. I am so excited to see what fun he can have and our family is lucky to have him in our lives.

Prayer requests:

1. Praise for Joanne's new-found love of the pool! You could pray that we find a better way to get her in and out rather than me just scopping her up and walking her in. The pool director said they are getting a lift, but not sure if it will happen this summer.

2. Praise for my dad's new adventure as a retired person! Please pray that he has a good, long healthy life ahead of him to enjoy.

Toben

All's Quiet (Toben)

Everyone is still asleep. Even our early-bird Emma. I can  tell that summer is upon us. everyone is staying up a little later and sleeping in a little longer. I am still up and about at my regular time--Joey the cat must be fed at sun up and stands on my chest staring at me until I do something about it. SO I shuffle downstairs, turn on the coffee and feed the cat. Then I do little tour of the down stairs. Picking up this and that and tidying up a bit. One thing about our new reality is that was are much less concerned about how clean the house is or isn't

We do a pretty good job on the main floor. I vacuum from time to time and run a broom over things. When I get really crazy I get out the mop and go to town. But the reality is things aren't like they used to be when you could literally eat off the floors (as they say). Joanne always kept a perfect house. We have "relaxed our standards" since the stroke.

The upstairs and basement are a different story. Anarchy reigns! I do try to keep things tidied up but "the stuff" just multiplies and gets the best of me. The girl's rooms a re a mess, although from time to time it gets so bad that they feel a desperation to clean and they get in there and get mot everything put back where it belongs. Audrey did her room last week and Emma did hers yesterday. I think it came down to the fact that they had so much stuff int heir rooms that there was no where to lie down and go to sleep. So at least now we can see the floor in both of their rooms and all the big stuff is put away. Still, miles away from the standard we used to keep, but it is what it is. Other things have taken on more importance.

The basement is still craft central. Although Audrey moved out to the driveway yesterday to experiment with bleach and it's chemical impact on Denim. She had a blast made some cool denim shorts. Besides that, she smelled very clean all day!

Looking forward to a good weekend. Audrey is off to SkyLinn's house later--they are going to a carnival of some sort tonight. And Emma, Joanne and I are planning on hitting the pool for a while. The weather is supposed to cooperate for the next few days.

We did make it to the pool one afternoon last week and I was struck by how non-handicapped friendly that environment it. The parking is far away. The stairs are right there but the ramps are way off ot the side and definitely represent the long way around. There is virtually no easy way to get Joanne into the water other than to just scoop her up and carry her in, which is pretty embarrassing for her. It would be great if the pool had a lift that could get the special needs folks in our neighborhood into the water, but so far no dice. We will continue to experiment about how to get Joanne in the water. I would think it would feel amazing to her to get in and be weightless for a while.

It's getting a little silly but we still haven't hear back from DEnver Christian on additional aid for the girls Starting to feel like maybe they don't want us there next year! After much consideration and a lot of discussion it looks like Audrey is going ot go to Cherry Creek HS and emma will return to DC, assuming we ever hear back from them. Audrey has articulated that she is ready for a big change and a change in schools could be just that. Her BFF is going to public next year and that has Audrey  feeling a little more confident about trying it out. Of course my first option would be to keep them both at DC but I just don't see that happening at this point.

I think that's about it.

Prayer Requests:

1. Pray for a fun summer for the girls. They deserve it! Last summer was sort of lost as Joanne had come home from Spalding and we were in full blown transition mode as to what life at home would look like for us. For this summer I would love for the girls to have  some adventure!

2. We need to hear back from Denver Christian. Period. I have emailed everyone I know to email and will be taking to the phones this week to try and get to a real, live person.

3. Joanne has a Beth Moore conference at the end of the month down in Colorado Springs! So excited for her to do but still a little apprehensize about a night away. Her closest friends will be there to help her and I think they have even scored front row seats! Please pray for a great time for Joanne and her friends!

Toben

When School is Out (Toben)

It is most noticeable in the mornings. As I write this, Joanne is still moving in and out of sleep. Emma just got up a few minutes ago but is still in bed playing with the iPad. Audrey is still asleep and will probably remain so for the next couple of hours--that girls can sleep in! Of course she was probably up until midnight doing some form of crafting. But the point it that is is quiet. Normal mornings are noisy! Everyone is up and moving. Breakfast is being prepared and eaten, outfits are chosen and put on. Hair is getting done (or maybe not). Teeth are being brushed, etc.. But this morning, on the second official day of summer vacation the house is utterly silent.

I love it!

We got the girls their pool passes this weekend. That means either one of them can go to the neighborhood pools by themselves whenever they want. Emma went once and it wasn't particularly warm and it was particularly breezy. So I dropped her off and told her to call me when she was ready to come home and that I would come get her. So about 5 minutes after I am home I get the call, "Dad, I'm freezing!" Looks like she jumped the gun on the pool thing just a little bit. But there will be many fun days at the pool in the future. The main pool is not the most handicapped friendly place but I think we can still get Joanne there without too much trouble. The other pool is a peice of cake.

Prayer Requests:

1. Praise: Joanne is sleeping better over the past few weeks then she ever has. What a blessing for both of us!

2.. Making some big decisions about school next year for the girls. I can't get a hold of the right person at Denver Christian to see what the deal is with our financial aid packet but I am guessing that Emma will end up back at DC and Audrey might give Cherry Creek a try. We have started that conversation with Audrey but still have a lot of ground to cover before she would be OK with that. Please pray that God directs! I would desperately love to keep both kids at DC but it just might not be possible.

3. Please pray for traveling mercies for both my mom and Joanne's folks. Both are at funereals this week--my mom for her Dad and Gran and Papa for their brother in law. These are sad time when you lose loved ones. Pray for thier spirits as they celecbrate the lives of these two men and give them comfort.

Toben

Sad News (Toben)

Last night my 92 year-old grandfather passed away after relatively normal hip replacement surgery. HE woke up after the operation and asked for a root-beer float. The doctor said he didn't think that was a great idea. So my Papa said, "What about a glass of buttermilk?" Again, denied. So they wheeled him back to his room, he fell asleep and a couple of hours later they think a clot went to his heart and he passed away, very peacefully.

It is too late tonight to go into more detail and there is so much else that happened today (like Audrey's graduation) that I want to share, but I really need to go to bed.

Prayer request:

Please pray for our entire extended family as we grieve the loss of this great man.

More soon.

Toben

Update (Toben)

Just checking in. Here's what's gone on for the last week:

Joanne's folks are off on an adventure to visit dear Cousin Francis in Memphis. I think she is 96 and still sharp as a tack. Talked to them yesterday and they were in Hot Springs Arkansas. They get back this weekend.

Joanne got her foot x-ray yesterday. There is some concern that she either has some ligament issues or perhaps a small hairline fracture in a couple of her toes. Her bone density is really low having spent so much time in a cast. The doctor should look at the x-ray in the next couple of days and will get back to us. Hoping for an answer that is actionable because her toes really hurt!

Splurged yesterday and got Joanne a mani-pedi. She told me I might want to bring a long something to read as it might take a little while. It ended up taking two hours! But she felt pampered and very pleased so it was worth it. Took a couple of us to work on her left hand as it wants to curl in on itself but the nail tech was very patient and we got 'er done!

We had a stray cat adopt Emma this week. Emma named her Leslie--I have no idea why. But anytime your kid names an animal you're in trouble. Leslie has hung around for the last week and she is scaring our baby bunnies so we carted her off today to the Buddy Center (Dumb Friends League) in Castle Rock. She is a very sweet cat but...

...we have to protect our bunnie family that lives under our deck. They have been with us since we bought the house and we really treat them like pets even though they aren't domesticated. We feed them some veggie scraps and name them and generally enjoy having them as neighbors. Couldn't have a cat around messing with their turf!

Went to estes Park last week with my mom and dad and Bethany. They rented us a house just outside of town that was perfect! Dad, Beth and I got to go on a beautiful hike. The last half mile was snow field. I did OK on the way up but came down on my rear! Slipped, fell and got snow up my shorts where generally you don't want snow to be! After I stopped and stood up I did a very interesting dance to get the snow out of my pants! But still the weather and the scenery were amazing!

Emma and I got to go fishing. Day one: no luck. Day two: we landed a small trout. But that's all it takes to satisfy Emma and results in a win for her in her battle against the little trout on what she has claimed as "our fishing spot." Joanne and Beth sat by the river and enjoyed the great outdoors and cheered us on. It was so beautiful and I know Joanne enjoyed being out and about, especially in such a beautiful spot. Hoping to get some more time up there this summer but they are re-doing the roads in Rocky Mountain National Park and traffic, even on a slow day, was a nightmare! This summer is going ot be a hot mess for visitors.

Got our initial financial aid offer from Denver Christian. Not good. I have exchanged some emails and we are going to see if there is something more the school can do. In the meantime we are trying to talk to the girls about other options but it would be heart-breaking not to be a DC family any more. That school has been amazing for our family and we love it dearly. I will keep you posted on what happens next as a number of you have expressed interest in helping out (for which we are deeply grateful and humbled).

Sister Kristen was supposed to have a garage sale last Saturday but wouldn't you know it: we woke up to rain and temperatures in the low 50s! Not good garage saleing weather! So she is going to give it another shot in the next few weeks--maybe even this weekend. I'll post on that if it's going to happen that soon.

Emma has her awards ceremony tomorrow at school--she is getting the Presidential Academics Award for maintaining a high GPA all year. She will be thrilled! It's a secret so no one tip her off. I am pretty sure she doesn't read the blog so we're OK on this end.

Audrey has Middle School graduation on Friday and I will be speaking. I am going to talk about all the things I wish someone would have told me when I was 13. THe list is LONG but I think I have narrowed it down to a few categories. Feel free to leave a comment about what you wish someone had told you at 13.

Then it's SUMMER BREAK! I am so excited for the girls to be home this summer. Last summer was a weird one because Joanne was just home from the hospital and we were still reeling and trying to figure out life. But things are more stable now than they were then so we should be able to provide a better experience for them including daily trips to the neighborhood pool!

Whew! I guess that's about it.

Prayer requests:

1. Pray that we can find some relief for Joanne's poor toes. Anyone who has ever broken a toe knows how painful it can be to get around and that's what Joanne lives with 24/7. So getting and answer and a solution would be a big deal.

2. Pray that DC comes through with the financial aid we need to keep the girls there.

3. Pray for safety for Joanne's folks as they make their way back across the country. So glad they got to have an adventure and now just need them to have a safe return!

Toben

 

 

Garage Sale (Toben)

Joanne's sister Kristen says plase go visit HERE!

Thanks!

Toben

Speaking of Strokes...(Toben)

Yesterday I had the opportunity to speak at the National Day of Prayer luncheon in Colorado Springs. Joanne's Dad and my folks were there and the real treat is that Joanne was able to come too. It was so great to see her there at the head table while I was on the stage! She looked beautiful and it was such a big deal that she was able to make it--not easy on her body to ride int he car and sit for long periods of time.

Anyhow, I had about 20 minutes to speak, I prepared my notes, I ran through it in my head a bunch of times and then I got on stage and realized that I had about 10 times too much content!!! I just about froze up. After all, it is hard to encapsulate the last 15 months in any amount of time, let alone what the Lord has been teaching me through this new reality. But I made it through. I left thinking that I had totally bombed! But the event organizer sent me the most gracious email. Just what I needed!

Pretty funny that the last group I talked to were middle school students! The NDP crowd was definitely on the older side. Funny thing: I have been asked to be the 8th grade graduation speaker! The kids got to vote and they asked me to come back. I am totally blown away by that! I am going to work very hard to come up with something they will enjoy on their official last day of middle school. I want to make them laugh but give them a little to think about along the way. So if anyone has the key to eigth grade humor, feel free to fill me in.

Audrey is in South Dakota with her class. I am thankful to God for many things, and one of them is that I am not an adult chaperon on that trip! Actually that's not entirely true. I would love to be with those kids, but I would come home and have to sleep for a week! Audrey brought so much candy with her (I probably let her overdo it) that those kids will be sugar-fueled to the max. I hope they are having a fun time. There is a no technology policy for the trip so the kids don't have their precious phones or laptops. I think that's great! They should enjoy each other's company with only 15 school days left in the year.

I guess that's about it. My parents will be with us overnight wile their floors get refinished and it will be a treat to have them around. Massage therapy for Joanne tomorrow and some special one-on-one time with Emma.

Prayer requests:

1. Should hear in the next week or so about the girl's tuition assistance for Denver Christian next year. We are definitely praying for God's provision so that we can keep the kids in such an amazing school!

2. Praise! Joanne is sleeping so much better. She had some of her meds adjusted and a new medication added and it really seems to be working. A good night's sleep makes a great deal of difference in quality of life. So thanks be to God for 8 solid hours a night (and sometimes more).

3. I am truly thankful today for our family therapist. He is a relatively young guy but has a lot of wisdom. We are slowly healing as a family as a result of our time with him. Still a long way to go, but I see progress like little green shoots peeking up through the soil!

Toben

Lazy Weekends (Toben)

We really use our weekends for rest. That means at least half the family stays in their PJs all weekend. There is a reading, snacking, a little homework, a little yard work, and this weekend a very special event: Audrey has decided to clean her room!

For the last month we couldn't see the carpet, but in the scheme of things it just wasn't worth fighting with her about. Then out of the blue this weekend she just decided to clean. She has literally worked for at least 12 hours on her room and it is starting to look good! I am so proud of her, but I am also a little proud of our parenting--instead of fighting with her to clean up we gave her time to figure out for herself that she just can't live with her floor a foot deep in clothes and trash and who knows what else. So far she has removed 5 lawn and leaf bags of trash. I am so excited and proud of her. Now we just have to see if it'll last. But we will take it as a little victory.

We were hoping to get some deck-sitting in yesterday but if it never really warmed up to the point that we could comfortably sit outside. It is really getting nice out in the back yard. THe flowers are  coming up, the trees are leafing nicely and the grass is getting nice and green. I fertilized a few weeks ago and that seems to have given the yard a jump-start. I even had to mow this weekend! So maybe the thermometer will jump enough for us to get out there for some time this afternoon and enjoy the fresh air.

I have a rare opportunity this week to speak at the Nation Day of Prayer luncheon in Colorado Springs. I literally have no idea why they chose me out of all the people they could have asked. I suppose our story is a pretty good one, and I suppose that prayer has been a big part of the last year plus journey. I have my outline together and I am confident that I have something to say. I just hope it is well received. THe last time I spoke in public was to a bunch of middle school students at Denver Christian. They were a great audience!

In fact, I have been asked to be the graduation speaker for the 8th final grade chapel. That is going to be a tough one because I want to inspire the kids and make them laugh and generally not be boring. I am thinking that I will tell them all the things I wish I knew going into high school. Things like, make friends--high school can be pretty lonely and isolating if you don't make an effort to meet people. Or get involved--high school gives you the freedom to try all sorts of stuff from student newspaper to sports to theater to fine arts. Not too many other opportunities like that in life where you can just pick something and give it a go. Fortunately I have a month to come up with this one.

Joanne is hanging in there. She is glued to her Kindle the last couple of days--apparently she is in the middle of a pretty good book. The Kindle has been awesome for her. She has the Fire so she can get on-line with it but still mostly just uses it as a reader.We are still getting a ton of use out of our iPad. We manage all the family's email accounts through that thing and it is the best device I can think of to do that on. It's not quite a laptop replacement for me, but it has become that for Joanne. Remember, that iPad was a generous gift from Joanne's friends and in the early days she used it to communicate. In fact I still have the screen saved where she wrote "popsicles" for the first time, followed closely by the word "orange." You can't imagine how fast I moved to get her orange popsicles. If I remember correctly that was considered contraband in the hospital but we snuck them in much to Joanne's delight.

I guesss that's about it.

Prayer requests:

1. This is a selfish one but I would really prefer not to bomb on Thursday at the NDP luncheon. I hope that I can minister to the folks that are there and that our story/message would be well received.

2. Joanne is still struggling with depression, loss of identity and frustration with her limitations. She needs a "win"--something good to happen for her to lift her spirits.

3. We should find out next week what sort of financial support we will get from Denver Christian that will either allow us to keep the girls there or force us to go to plan B. We literally can't image having them anywhere else so this is a BIG need.

4. Praise!!! Joanne is sleeping better. I think we finally have a combination of meds that are allowing her to get through the night. This is a HUGE deal as she was sleepless for literally a couple of months prior to this new regimen.

Toben

Here Comes the Sun! (Toben)

Is it really possible that Spring is here and that summer is on the way? I know, just by writing these words that I have jinxed it and we will have snow by the end of the week. But I am so excited by the nice weather. Things are turning green. Our trees are leafing out and some of our bulbs are blooming. With the warm weather we get to add two activity to our list of daily activities: Walking outside and sitting on the deck. Both of these are things that we enjoy a lot. Fresh air and sunshine can cure all sorts of issues! We even got the fountain/pond working so we have the nice sound of trickling water in the background.

We have started ordering Joanne's meds directly from the central Kaiser pharmacy. they send us 3 months supplies of meds that we had previously been getting a month at a time. One corner of our kitchen looks like a full blown pharmacy. I had no idea prescription bottles came in such large sizes! We literally have a dozen massive bottles of various medications. Anyhow, it saves us from running to the pharmacy every couple of days so that's a good thing. Joanne is still on about 10 medications ranging from anti-seizure meds to children's aspirin and everything in between.

The girls are in their last push to the end of the school year. Audrey has a trip to South Dakota in a couple of weeks with her class that she is very excited about. They are going to have a blast but I tell you , you couldn't pay me enough to be a chaperon on that trip. I LOVE these kids and have known many of them for years, but you put 4 boys in a hotel room 500 miles away from home and get them hopped up on sugar and you have a problem on your hands! Hopefully they will be able to wear kids out during the day so that they actually get a little sleep at night. God bless those chaperons. You will be in my prayers.

Before Audrey goes, we need to get her a root canal and a crown. When they told me what it was going to cost I literally lost my breath! Still not sure how we are going to scrounge the money together but I am praying for a solution. I really feel like God has provided a way to make it through these tough times and that he's not going to let us down this time. It is a real test of faith but an honest and good test (as much as I would love to avoid this test).

In a couple of weeks I get to tell our story at a National Day of Prayer event. I think I have about 20 minutes to talk about what our family has gone through in the last year plus. How do you take a year's worth of spiritual/practical lessons and pack it into 25 minutes? Fortunately my mom has helped me process a years worth of lessons into some cogent form. I will post a blog with the four points I plan to make in a future post. Hopefully I don't bomb! My only other presentation about this stuff was two a bunch of middle school students who were more excited about what Joanne's scar looked like then what I was learning in my prayer life!

Speaking of which: I have been asked to be the graduation speaker at the 8th grade graduation next month! It was student selected and that makes me feel like a million bucks! But I have to think of something genuine yet motivational to say. I'm not sure that my, "Life if hard, get used to it" talk is really appropriate. Again, this is another source of great prayer for me. I want to bless the socks off these kids as they move to high school.

So I guess that's about it. Joanne is hanging in there but we are struggling with "what comes next."We are sort of transition out of a season completely focused on therapy and moving toward a more laid back approach to life. Complicate to figure that one out and to strike a balance.

Prayer requests:

1. We will find out about the girl's financial aid pack in the next weeks. We are desperate for a good package so we can keep the girls in the Denver Christian system. Pray for favor as they review our applications.

2. Pray that God would provide a blessing that will help us pay for Audrey's dental work. We are talking thousands that we will be investing into her little mouth.

3. Gran is headed to England for a few weeks. Pray for a fun and safe trip for her!

We covet your prayers and appreciate your care and friendship.

Love,

Toben

 

Snow! (Toben)

After a few days in the 70's we have snow again today. Welcome to Spring in Colorado. I LOVE it because I got the fertilizer put down this last week so the moisture is all good. I think my lawn is going to green up nicely in the next weeks. My dad came up and helped me thatch the lawn and get the fertilizer done, so a big thanks to him. I think it's supposed ot get warm again toward the end of the week.

It's funny to look under the bench at the entrance to our house from the garage. Half the shoes that we keep there are flip-flops and the other half are warm, snow appropriate shoes. Our family is definitely ready for Spring!

We are sort of in a regular routine these days. Joanne and I have spent a lot of time together over the last couple of weeks. It has been really good for us to keep each others company. We do so well together. That is such a blessing. I can't imagine how hard all of this would be if we weren't so closely connected through this whole experience. If anything, the stroke has brought us closer together, and as I look back at my own life, I can see ways in which God was preparing me for such a time as this. It's hard to explain, but I feel like I was well prepared for something like this to happen. Of course I would have done almost anything to prevent this happening to Joanne, but if it had to happen, I feel like I was ready. That is God's grace.

Joanne and Emma made a list of everything they want to plant this Spring. It took up a whole page on Emms'a drawing pad. We'll have to pull together a number of family and friends to get everything up in sometime next month (or maybe even a little later). We love our backyard and various plants and flowers make it all the more enjoyable to hang out in. I remember last year how a number of friends selected different areas of our garden and came in a planted those areas so that when Joanne got back for Spalding, the plants were all in bloom. How nice that was! We have certainly been blessed by such good friends.

We spend this last weekend at my parents house--that's as close as we get to a little vacation! They are just 45 minutes down the road so it's a drive that Joanne can easily manage. We spent time hanging out, my dad and I took a 7 mile hike (I am still sore) and spent some time at Garden of the Gods--it is very handicap-friendly. We also got to have lunch at La Baguette which is our favorite all time lunch spot. The girls of course love to be there, partly because they love their Nana and Papa but also because they have TV, which they stay glued to unless we drag them out of the house! Joanne sat on the back deck, watching the deer pass by and soaking up the sun. She got a little bit of a sunburn, which I think she actually liked--the first burn of the year is a right of summer!

My folks are getting their kitchen remodled this month so we expect to host them in our home a few days over the next month. It'll be nice ot have them around and it'll put our infrequently used guest room to use.

I guess that's about it. We continue to take things one day at a time--that's the best we can do. Getting beyond today is too scary. We need to stay in the moment and look to God for his daily provision.

Prayer requests:

1. Praise! One of Joanne's many doctors made a change to one of her prescriptions and it is helping her sleep better at night. We are still up in the night at least once or twice, but Joanne is definitely able to catch some good sleep in between those breif awake periods. This is a huge deal and we are so thankful!

2. We are in some transition with Joanne's PT /OT. The in-home therapy that we got from Erika and Deliliah has come to an end. So we are left to do the activities that they taught us. Not a bad thing. We are appealing to Kaiser to approve Joanne to go to Spalding for continued therapy but until then we may be going to a Kaiser therapy facility. It all feels a little up in the air. Please pray for clarity and a clear path as we seek the best care and therapy for Joanne.

3. We are applying for financial aid for the girls to continue on at Denver Christian. We are going to need a lot of support to keep them at the school that has welcomed us in so graciously. As Audrey starts high school and Emma starts middle school it is a crucial time in their school lives and we would do almost anything to keep them in the DC family, but we'll need generous help from the school to make that happen. This is definitely our largest and most critical prayer request. We will keep you posted!

Toben

 

Monday Morning (Joanne)

If all mondays started like this I think I could learn to adore them. Pecan sticky buns, a big mug of coffee, PJs and nothing on the calendar until this afternoon when Brooke comes over for another massage. Plus I plan to take a nap on the couch. Maybe we will watch a movie today.

This is Spring Break for the kids and our big goal is to wake up each day without a plan.

I have been discharged from home therapy and my parents are camping in Moab. So I will be taking a bit of a therapy break except for perhaps a few exercises here and there that don't hurt too badly and a walk or two around the neighborhood or the mall.

Last week I went grocery shopping for the first time. I can push the cart...sort of...with my right hand and follow behind it while Toben loads the cart. If my left hand would cooperate it would be much easier. In the meantime we have found something that works well enough and that doesn't require me to ride around in the dorky motorized cart.

We may go to the Denver Art Museum to see the Yves Saint Laurent exhibit. It is supposed to be fabulous. Maybe we'll go to the Wildlife Experience or to the movies. You just never can tell.

Spring is starting to arrive. So I'll be sitting on the deck on warm afternoons watching my lilacs start to leaf out and cheering on the tulips and daffodils as they make their entrance.

Prayer Requests:

1. For many months it has felt like God has been very quiet but in the past week or so I feel like I am hearing from him again. I would like to get some of what I am hearing down on paper this week. I want to get back into a good morning quiet time routine. I miss my early morning time with God and I know I will get to feeling more like myself when that gets put back in place.

2. The girls finished this quarter well in school. All A's with a  few B's sprinkled in. After Spring Break begins the long slog to Summer vacation. Please pray for stamina for all of us but especially for Audrey and Emma.

3. Praise! I am sleeping better. The changes my doctor made in my meds seems to be working and I am sleeping most of the night and even slept in until 8:00 the other morning. Feels like a miracle as big as parting the Red Sea.

Joanne

A Little Update (Joanne)

We spent this past weekend with my friend Sarah who flew in from Seattle to wish me a happy birthday. We have a history of celebrating my birthday together. 10 years ago we flew to France with a few other girlfriends for a week to celebrate my 30th. Last year she came to visit me at Spalding, my in-patient rehab hospital and to bring me a Kindle, which I totally love. A big thank you to her husband Josh for taking care of the kids and for letting me have his wife for the weekend.  We talked and talked and talked.

This week our friends the Hall family from Arizona drove up to see us over their spring break. We have missed them and it's been fun to reconnect.

Yesterday I saw one of my many doctors. We'll be juggling some pain medication around to see if I can get pain free and get me some sleep at night. He did say that where I'm at in terms of recovery is about as good as I can expect it to get. I had already accepted that fact but hearing ti from the doctor was disheartening. We also talked about long-term therapy plans. In the mean time I continue to work on PT and OT every day. I practice a lot of walking with a cain and can even walk outside as long as someone walks with me and sticks close.

The weather has been beautiful in Denver adn it has been fun to see green things startign to appear around the back yeard. I feel very ready for Spring!

Family counseling is going well. Everyone is participating and good conversations are usually the result.We are finding a new normal--a routine that seems to be working. It's by no means perfect, but we are beginning to settle in a bit. Feels good after what has been a very chaotic season.

Thank you for your continued prayers.

Prayer Requests:

1. We would love for the new medication regimen to work for pain releief and sleep at night.

2. We desperately want to keep the girls at Denver Christian--Audrey starts High School and Emma start middle school. But we are going to need financial aid to make this happen. Please pray that the school would come back with a generous financial aid package so we can keep the girls in an environment that they love (as much as kids can "love" school).

3. The entire family is pretty worn out and could use moments of rest.

4. Please pray for healthy relationships for the family including the extended family.We are still feeling our way along through a tough time and know that Satan would love to turn us on each other. Pray against that!

5. Praise!!! A while ago we prayed for wisdom as we faced some big decisions. While our future is still murky we are feeling some sense of leading from the Lord.

6. One day a week I go down to Colorado Springs with Toben while he goes to work. Toben and his dad find time to go shooting at his gun club and then we have lunch together. God has closed the relational gap between us and his parents. This is huge! Petty differences have been cast aside and if it took my stroke to heal this relationship that's at least one good thing that's come from it.

Your messages and comments continue to be so encouraging.Thank you for your care and concern for our family. We thank God for your family and pray that he blesses you abundantly!

Love,

Joanne

Resilience (Toben)

I have written here before about D. (Joanne's physical therapist) and the stroke that her sister L. suffered almost a month ago now. This morning D. was here at the house and I was struck by the idea of resilience. With everything she is going through D. shows up three days a week to work with Joanne and I think every time she is here she has a smile on her face and a great attitude. I have never seen her downcast or troubled. So either she has some amazing will power to just buck up and deal with it or there is something else in there that allows her to cope with a crazy-tough situation.

It is amazing to me how people can suffer horribly and somehow it gets to feeling like some kind of normal at some point. I know that with Joanne, as hard as her situation is, there is a normalcy to it. Not a comfortable normalcy in the "everything is just fine the way it is " vein. But a "this is the way it is for now so lets do the best we can with what we got" sort of normalcy. Living in this space is a struggle for all of us I think. It requires that we stay in the moment and not borrow trouble from the future. That's where depression comes from--borrowing trouble from tomorrow or next week or next month.

I was talking to a friend on the phone and he mentioned that the monastics practice this presence-in-the-moment discipline and it got me thinking about important it is to practice that in my own life. I think it's probably important for all of us, no matter what's happening. I will be the first to admit that this is insanely difficult. For me, the morning is the worst time--that 15 minutes between when I wake up and when I get out of bed. My mind races without fail and I have to force my thoughts this way and that way to avoid the darkness. But it is ever present. I know it's worse for Joanne. We have talked about it and she wrestles mightily.

Prayer requests:

1. Resilience! Please pray that for all who suffer and for those who love them that God would provide a deep well of resilience to draw from that is present because our hope is in Him who can do far more to minister to us than we can even conceive.

2. This may seem like a silly one, but Joanne is getting a haircut today.  A good one might put a little spring in her step. So pray for a great cut!

3. Praise the Lord for all the people that have come around Joanne, that minister to her body and spirit. Thank God for the PT, the OT, the massage therapist, the adaptive yoga instructor, the orthodics specialist, the doctors, the nurses, friends and family that are all on her team. It blows me away to see the investment that so many have poured in. For some it may be just a job, but it is clear that for others there is a deeper connection there, and we are blessed by it.

Toben

Bye Bye Walking Boot (Joanne)

A week ago we braved the snow and went to see the orthopedic surgeon for a follow up appointment. At that point I'd been in the heavy walking boot for over a month. I was able to get around pretty well but still not able to go up and down stairs. We took along my old AFO (ankle foot orthotic) to the appointment. It's that big, white  plastic thing that helps keep my foot and ankle in the right position. The doctor said that with some adjustments I could go back to the old AFO and any shoes I can manage to cram it into.

We went to see Jeff at Hangar Orthotics and he was able to reshape the old AFO to fit my new foot position. What a relief because a brand new one would have been super expensive--a minimum of $1000! Exercises are so much easier without the heavy walking boot. Some of my hip and knee pain is subsiding. I still rely heavily on my cane to get around but this feels like a step forward and gives us more to move forward with in physical therapy.

We are going to church this morning after missing for a couple of weeks. It'll be just Toben and I because the girls are with Toben's parents.  Later this afternoon we will have traditional Sunday dinner at my parent's house. Then a long afternoon at home to rest before the week begins.

I'm weary and the road feels long and there doesn't feel like there is an end in sight. Still not sleeping well. I feel like I need and infusion of energy and hope.

Joanne

One Year Update (Joanne)

As the one year mark has come and gone I thought I would pop by with a quick update. On the one hand I am totally overwhelmed with gratitude for all of you who have prayed for me and my family, sent money to offset our huge medical expenses and brought meals again and again. Thank you isn't quite big enough to express my gratitude but it is all I have so please except it from the bottom of my heart.

On the other hand it's been a weird few weeks. I have no memory of one year ago at all. I am a total blank. What I know is what I have been told. So it's been a bit odd to see family and friends face this anniversary with such emotion when I have no recollection of it. I do want you all to know that I pray daily for all of you who have prayed for me. To do so I know you have set aside your own requests and I pray that God will know them and answer them.

Days are still full of therapy and exercises. Progress is coming but it is slow.

Prayer Requests:

1. With a walking cast it is great to be up and about again, but stairs continue to be off limits. We are praying that the next time we see the orthopedist he gives us permission to do stair work. Until then, please pray for Toben's back as he carries me up and down every day.

2. Family counseling is going better than I expected. Everyone is participating. Please pray for continued progress.

3. We are pondering some big life decisions. Please pray for wisdom for us!

Again, thank you from the bottom of our hearts. We couldn't make it through each day without your love and support.

Love,

Joanne

Prayer Request (Toben)

Got a call last night from Joanne's physical therapist (who I will refer to as D. to protect her anonymity). She was calling from the hospital to say that her sister had just had a major stroke and was in the operating room getting a craniectomy to relieve the pressure in her skull. D. can't be nearly as old as I am so I am guessing her sister is younger than 40--maybe by a lot. And she is going through exactly what Joanne went through a year ago. We don't have a lot of details but the right side craniectomy took four hours and she is now in ICU. I am sure they are watching her ICP (inter-cranial pressure) numbers just the way we were with Joanne on this day last year.

I will post updates, but please pray for this family. D. has done amazing things with Joanne and she is dear to us. We hate to see her, her family and her sister suffer through such a tragedy.

Toben

A Year Ago (Toben)

A year ago today, January 16, we almost lost Joanne. Her inter-cranial pressure was through the roof and her brain wash literally "smooshing" itself. I have been up most of the night flashing back to that day, what we talked about as a family, about our prayers and the hours we sat at Joanne's bedside willing her ICP numbers to come down. I know I have never been so afraid in all my life. And for some reason that fear visited me again last night. I was gripped by it.

I have not spent a lot of time looking backwards. Nor do I spend a lot of time looking very far forwards. I do pretty well at staying in the moment, focusing on "today" and what we need to do to make it through. That is enough. But for whatever reason this day has taken me back a year.

I want to think ahead. I remember one of the things that Joanne and I used to do a lot was dream for the future. We would talk about what we wanted to do and where we wanted to go. We talked about the girl's future and what we hoped for them. And it was always good, encouraging and exciting to have these talks. We don't really have them any more. Our hope is that we make it successfully through another day.

However on the drive back from Winter Park yesterday we did a little dreaming. Joanne wants a vacation.  We talked about where we might go and what we might do and how we would pull it off. At this point Joanne can't spend too much time in the car before she really starts to feel a lot of pain and traveling on a plane would be a nightmare--I just have visions of TSA patting down Joanne! Besides that, sitting on a plane wouldn't be much better than sitting in the car. And Joanne hates to fly anyhow.

But that's not the point. The point is that it was really fun to look forward a little ways, to dream a little. I think we need to do more of that.

As far as looking back goes, it is all divided into two groups for me: hospital and home. Joanne was in the hospital from January 11 to May 15. So those are the "hospital days." Then there is after-hospital. The hospital days were the hardest for us. I remember snapshots from each of the three facilities that Joanne was in. I will not go into that much, but I have distinct mental picture's from each one; an image or two that are burned into me.

Being home is always better. There have still been plenty of challenges, lots of hurdles and lots of hard work on Joanne's part. But at least we are under our own roof and life has become a new kind of normal.

Last thing: We couldn't have survived this last year with our friends and family. There is not enough space to express the gratitude that I have. I will single out Gran and Papa for a minute here: their presence, support and hard work has saved the day. Without them we would be up a creek without a paddle. And there are my folks and the love that they have poured out on us. And there are special friends (I won't name names but you know who you are) who have been with us from that first day in the hospital and continue to walk with us. And then there are the countless other friends who have been the source of so much prayer and encouragement. The cards, calls, text messages, emails, and facebook posts have been overwhelming.

So here is hoping that the daylight will dissipate the fear and that I will focus on the fact that Joanne is still here (!) and not the fact that she almost wasn't.

Prayer requests:

1. Joanne has a cold. We have worked very hard to keep her germ free since she has been home and we have done a pretty good job of it. But somehow she picked up a bug. She has literally gone through two boxes of tissues in the last 24 hours. Please pray that she will start to feel better.

2. We are waiting to hear from insurance on what OT and PT will be available for us in the coming weeks. We are at the end of our time with the current team (who we love) and are waiting to hear from Kaiser as to whether or not we can continue on. Please pray that they would show favor.

3. Strength, strength, strength!

Toben

Happy New Year Update (Joanne)

Happy New Year. 2012 is really here despite my fear of turning the page on the calendar only to find out that it was still 2011. We had a good Christmas, different but good none the less. Nana and the girls decorated the house for me which is one of my all time favorite Christmas things to do. I'm already brainstorming ideas for next year.

One of the biggest changes was that we did not give any gifts this year. I usually make all the gifts we give but my workshop in the basement has been out of reach for me and it's hard to sew with only one working hand. Instead we gave family members imaginary presents. For example, Audrey received an imaginary puppy. For Emma, we imaginary knocked out the wall between her room and the guest room to expand her space into a suite of rooms. She's very excited and doesn't seem to understand the imaginary part. We sent Joanne's folks to Wale's for a month this summer to stay in a B&B and hike along the coast. I gave Toben and AR15 and tactical training. Toben gave me 100% healing. My sister received welding lessons and a metal and woodworking shop. Wade received snowmobiles for their mountain house. It seemed like a good idea to give these imaginary gifts but in actuality it felt sort of lame.

We spent the whole day at Gran and Papa's the day after Christmas and had our traditin Christmas meal. Christmas Eve was spent with Nana and Papa and Beth in the Springs.  For New Years I tried desperately to stay up until midnight but could not do it. I had some very specific and not so nice things to say to 2011 in closing but mostly I am just glad that 2012 is here.

AS we enter the new year, we are looking for a new routine yet again. I am still doing PT with Dililah every week. She comes to the house and we work on leg strength, balance, stretching and such. Erika is our PT. She comes to work on my left arm. Tracy was my ST but I have been discharged from speech therapy for now. I still try to read out loud every day and talk on the phone more. Fridays are still my best day with Brooke, my massage therapist. With all the therapy that I have done, massage has been the most helpful. I love Brooke dearly.

The girls are back in school and doing fairly well. Though I have to say I felt bad sending them back to school with only imaginary gifts to talk about. " I got an imaginary dog. How lame is that!" Maybe next Christmas...

We are starting family counseling later this month just to talk about how the four of us could use some processing time to figure out how to come to peace with this last year. Small world...the man we will see was my clinical psychologist from rehab at Spalding se we already know him.

No more cast!!! I got the red cast cut off on Tuesday and even though my chart said to recast it, my doctor listened to my begging and put me in a walking boot so I am on my feel again. The best thing is that I am able to take a real shower again. I have a special boot that I have to wear at night that is very uncomfortable and has kept me from sleeping well.

Toben is still at the top of my thankful list--my hero, champion and best friend. He takes care of me with gentleness, patience and understanding. My parents are still a big part of "team Joanne" and are here every day to help with exercises, grocery shopping, meal planning and such. Papa's retirement has turned into another full time job...me! He and I practice one handed typing almost every day. We are making some progress but it is very difficult. I look forward to being able to tye my own posts in the future but for now Toben is my scribe.

I feel like I am in fairly good spirits lately. The meds I am on seem to be working as they are supposed to. All in all I am weary...we are weary. I hope 2012 brings our family a much needed vacation and some rest.  Hint, hint to anyone who owns a home in Hawaii :)

That's all I can think of off the top of my head. Toben is taking me out to lunch to get me out of the house today. I took a great shower this morning so I have on a cute outfit, make up and earrings so we need to go live it up!

Prayer Request:

Continued endurance and perseverance. With the one year strokeaversary coming up it is amazing to look back and see how far we've come and how much we've been through.

Joanne

Snow Danger! (Toben)

Wow is is slippery out! I drove the girls to School this morning and on the way home did a 180 into on-coming traffic in Joanne's Expedition. I missed hitting a utility van by about a foot. So scary! I was in the "school zone" so we were all going about 20 mph which definitely saved me. If cars had been coming full speed from the other direction I would have gotten plastered. Thank you Jesus for getting me home safe. Haven't seen roads this bad in Denver in years.

Ryan let me off the hook today so I wouldn't have to drive to the Springs. On top of that Gran has taken ill and isn't here to help Joanne out with the few things that only Gran and I can do for Joanne. God has truly blessed me with an understanding employer. I need to write more about this at some point. Ryan, Grounded Radio and Family Talk has been with me ever step of the way on this journey. Not sure what I would do without them!

The snow continues to fall and it looks like the roads are only going to get worse. Should be an interesting trip back to school this afternoon.

Erika the OT is here today but Speech had to cancel. So Papa and Joanne worked out in the garage/gym for about and hour and then came in to work on Joanne's one handed typing. Now Joanne is getting her shoulder worked on. Erika says that you have to start at the top and work your way down. First the shoulder, then the elbow then the wrist and fingers. Besides that, Joanne is wearing her wrist DynaSplint for a number of hours a day. All of this is supposed to work together to decrease tone and make her arm flexible/usable again. Would love prayer for some progress int his area.

I am thinking about how weird and difficult things get normalized over time. We have slept int he living roon for almost three weeks now--Joanne on the couch and me on the love seat. Emma has joined us and is now sleeping in the big chair. If you take th eback cushion off and put the giant ottoman at the end of it it fits Emma just right. So the three of us spend the night in here and it is feeling pretty normal. The first few nights felt anything but.

Joanne is sleeping well. What an answer to prayer. The first nights after surgery she didn't sleep much at all and was miserable. But now she is at least getting a decent night's sleep in. That makes all the difference.

Oh, Joanne got her stitches out a couple of days ago. They removed that cast and everything looked good. Papa took a picture of the scar and it is WAY bigger than I anticipated. It's a honker! But they said it looks fine and taped it up before re-casting it. This time her cast is red and someone sent "cast-toos" that are like stick on tattoos for a cast. They are of Christmas lights so her cast looks very festive now for the season.

Prayer Requests:

1. Praise that Joanne is getting some sleep! Everything goes better with good night sleep. We are still awaiting the day when Joanne gets her walking cast and we can get upstairs to our room, but for now we are making it work.

2. Praise for the friends and family that have so faithfully stood with us through this process. It has taken a team to make life work and we are lucky to have an amazing team around us. I won't name names but you know who you are.

3. The girls are heavy on my heart these days. They, like the rest of us, are trying to make the best of it, but I know their little hearts are hurting. Please pray that they would be able to express their concerns and let those of us who love them help them through a very emotionally difficult time.

Toben

The Shower Bandits Strike Again! (Joanne)

To ad some adventure back into our adventure-less life Toben and I have created a secret gang. We call ourselves the Shower Bandits-a crack b/e team. Well no b/e really. So far we have been invited because our shower is upstairs and we can't get there my option for a shower is Gran and Papa's house. So when they are not home we creep into the driveway, let ourselves in to the garage. glance around furtively and if the coast is clear Toben runs out the front door , sets up the wheelchair lickity-split, dumps me in it and sneaks me into the house. We gather all available towels, turn on the hot water and grab a quick shower. We're in and out and back home in less than an hour. No one is the wiser. We laugh and wonder what the neighbors think.

We always clean up after ourselves.

I am discouraged, disoriented and unsettled. I know that surgery was the right decision but it feels like we have gone backwards several months. Not being able to even hobble around with a cain is difficult. My secret hope is for a walking cast on Tuesday when I go back to the doctor. I don't think it will happen but a girl can dream. The thought of having my stitches removed makes my tummy hurt.

Joanne

Smooshed Up Life (Toben)

We are experiencing a weird phenomenon--days are drifting into nights and then back in to days but it all seems very smooshed together. We are living in one room of the house; the living room. We hang out, surf the interwebs, watch Netflix, sleep and hang out with friends and family all in this room. There are occasional trips to the dining room and the bathroom but for the most part we are here. When we slept in our room upstairs coming downstairs represented a change in activity. We were up and ready to switch gears and face the day. But now we wake up in the same room we will be in for the whole day. It feels weird.

And the days have little to mark themselves. Each day feels a lot like the last. We are experiencing an utter lack of adventure. Today's big events might include going to the mall or grabbing Chik-fil-a for lunch. Maybe we'll head over to Gran and Pap's house so Joanne can grab a shower. The sad thing is that if we were to do these things it would feel like we had a really full day! Pretty weird when a trip to the mall, a chicken sandwich and a shower feels like a big day.

Tonight Bethany flies home from college. Nana and Papa are going to bring the girls up from the Springs and Joanne and I will pick up Beth at the airpoirt and we should theoretically all end up back here at the house for chicken noodle soup. It'll be good to have the girls back home. It feels better to have all of us under one roof.

I can't remember the last time we had Thanksgiving with my folks. We have either been out of town or at Gran and Papa's house. It will be so good to be with them and the Thanksgiving meal is my favorite of the year. In fact it might even be my favorite holiday. Christmas is great but any holiday whose focus is food and family and thinking about what I am grateful for is a pretty good.

Having family around is a blessing. Gran and Papa are headed to Winter Park with Wade and Kristen. I hope they have a blast! They have been more than faithful to our little family and we couldn't have gone through this season without them. I don't think I'll ever be able to express my gratitude for all they have done. They have definitely gone above and beyond.

Anyhow, I guess that's about it. Looking forward to some out-of-the-usual activities coming to our home. I am going to eat turkey till it comes out my ears.

Prayer requests:

1. Sleeping on couches is not the same as sleeping in a luxurious king-sized bed. Please pray that Joanne will be able to get some solid rest at night. Her sleep is very fitful.

2. On that same note, Joanne has slept some better than she did the first few nights. That is such a blessing! Definitely worthy of praise!

3. Please pray for safety for Gran, Papa, Wade, Kristen and the kids will have a great, safe time in Winter Park. They need a time of refreshment!

Toben

Things We Know and Things We Don't Know (Joanne)

Things we know:

I've been in this cast for six days out of the 14 I have to my next appointment. At that point the surgeon will cut it off, remove my stitches and give me a new one exactly like this one. I will weat that cast for four more weeks with no mobility. At that time I will get a walking cast.

The surgeon said the surgery went really well but we also know it's going to be weeks and weeks before we see any results of that. I will be in the walking cast up to another couple of months. After that, hopefully, I will be back in normal shoes.

Though we know it's not true it feels like I have gone back four months in my recovery. Not being able to get around the house is very difficult. It also feels like I will never sleep again. I have never been so tired. I am running on complete empty.

Today I get to take a shower! Mom and Dad have a main floor bathroom that I Can use to take a shower and get my hair washed. I feel very ready for that.

Being an invalid is hard work!

I love Toben. In the past there have been times when I have doubted Toben's love for me but never again. He has gone above and beyond in taking care of me. He makes me feel safe and protected.

I am worried about Toben. Her gives everything he has to take care of me and the girls and my not sleeping means no sleep for him. Please pray for extra rest for him.

While I wish I could say that lying ont he couch and watching Netflix for the rest of the day sounds like fun, I have to say that it is not. The shower is calling.

Joanne

 

Pain in the Foot! (Toben)

OK, so Joanne had ankle surgery on Tuesday at a very nice, new facility in downtown Denver. We got the kids off to school, came home and packed an overnight (or over-two-night) bag and headed to pre-op at 10. I thought it seemed awfully early to head to the hospital for a 12:45 surgery but that's what they told us to do. And I'm glad because it takes a lot of time to get prepped for surgery! They mush have asked Joanne 100 questions about her stroke, her health, her diet, etc. She answered them all. My favorite was when she was asked, "What side effects have you experienced due to your stroke." Umm...you know she's in here for surgery right? I got a chuckle out of a number of the questions--the answers were so obvious! "When was the last time you drank anything." Answer: five minutes ago when you brought me some pills to take and gave me water to take them with.  Not the answer they were apparently looking for. Anyhow...

At 12:45 on the button she was wheeled back to surgery and Gran, Papa and I started "The Long Wait." They have this cool monitor int he waiting room that shows the patients progression through the process. There is one color for pre-op, one for in-procedure, one for recovery, and one for completed, so we could track along with what was going on. After about an hour and a half the surgeon came out and told us things had gone well. He said that instead of three small incisions, which he had hoped to make, he ended up needing to do one 6 inch incision from her heel up her ankle. We waited (impatiently) for another hour or so before they told us where we could see her.

The time actually passed pretty quickly. Jaime and Kristin came to sit with us and that helped a lot. They have been such faithful friends and we have all spent too much time together in hospital waiting rooms. 

Joanne was up in her room when we got to see her. She was...how do I say this...completely stoned. The anesthesia was lingering and she kept saying, "I feel funny." She was also pretty hungry since she hadn't been allowed to eat for a 18 hours before the surgery. So her "reward" for all this was a grilled cheese sandwich and some tomato soup. She polished that off and was shortly after off to sleep. Sister Kristen came for a visit around 7 and Joanne was awake for about five minutes of that. 

Sleeping in the hospital is the pits! I stayed down with her and they had this chair that turned into a "bed." Not so much. It was more like a sheet of plywood with a scratchy, non-breathable fabric cover. I got a pillow and some blankets and tried to make the most of it. But anyone who has stayed int he hospital knows, the nurses are ever present. They came in almost hourly throughout the night to do this, that and the other. They changedIVs, took blood, took vitals, etc. All in all it was a long night, but Joanne remained pain free. 

Wednesday was a day of waiting. We waited for PT to come show us what we needed to know about doing life with an almost knee-high, non weight bearing, non waterproof cast. We did some transfers and they were convinced that we weren't going to endanger Joanne. So that went in the report. Then we waited for the surgeon to come in and check on things and clear us to check out. We waited almost all day. He made it to her room at 4, told us she was cleared to go home and that was that. It took another hour and a half to get her released but by 5:30 we were on our way and we pulled into our driveway by 6:15. 

Nana had dinner ready for us and for the girls. She had come up and spent time with the girls while the rest of us were with Joanne. Anyhow, we had a great dinner and the girls were very happy to have us all back together under one roof. 

Joanne had a long night. We made a great bed up for her on our over sized living room couch but she was cold, dealing with leg pain, trying to figure out were to put her large cast, etc. But she made it through.

Today we figured out how to do life. We have eating, sleeping and bath needs all taken care of! This is a huge deal as we all dealt with some fear and anxiety about how we were going to take care of all these things. But we did it! So now we know roughly our plan of attack for the next 6 weeks until she gets her walking cast.

Joanne is very relieved and had her smile back today now that this surgery is behind her. I think we are all feeling relieved. Joanne did two rounds of PT in the garage/gym today. Her dad took her for a nice walk/roll around the neighborhood. She planned some menuswith her mom for the next week. We had chicken sandwiches with Wade the boys too. Now at last she is on the couch/bed in front of a roaring fire with her iPhone in hand--the perfect picture of rest and contentment. Love it when that happens. 

Tonight we'll have great grilled cheese and tomato soup--a favorite of ours and then maybe watch a movie or something with the girls. Then sleep. I hope. 

Prayer requests:

1. Sleep and rest for Joanne. The day goes much better after a good night's sleep.

2. Please pray for the girls. I think all of the events of the last few days (and the last 10 months) have been harder on them than they let on. Please pray for their hearts that they will be able to survive this season and come out better for it on the other side. 

3. Praise, praise, praise that Joanne's surgery went well, that we were only one night in the hospital and that we have things well in hand here at home. God is so faithful!

Toben

Need for Prayer (Toben)

Joanne is going to have surgery on the 15th. Initially we were told that it would be an out-patient surgery but we found out today that she will be admitted to the hospital for at least the first night and maybe more. Joanne is very concerned. She has spent so much time in the hospital this year and going back in, even for a night or two feels like a real setback to her. I honestly think its for the best and that they will be able to keep her comfortable and pain-free in  the 24 hours after the surgery, but my heart hurts for Joanne as she has such sadness and worry about this.

Obviously Joanne will have Gran or Papa or I (and maybe all three of us!) by her side 24 hours a day while she is in the hospital and my mom is going to come to our house for a few days to take care of the girls. So we have good support.

But I am writing this post mainly to ask for prayer for Joanne. She is at a very low point, and very anxious.

Specifically:

1. That a wave of peace that surpasses understanding will wash over her.

2. That the surgery will go as planned and that there wouldn't be any complications that would keep her in the hospital for more than a day or two.

3. That we will be able to figure out how to do life once Joanne gets back home. She will be in a splint for two weeks before her cast goes on and she won't be able to put any weight on it. This presents obvious challenges and we need very practical wisdom to figure out how to accomplish even the most simple tasks.

Toben

 

General Update (Toben)

Seems like we are in a holding pattern. It is only another 10 days until Joanne's achilles surgery so we are trying to figure out the logistics of all that. We are asking the surgeon if there is a way to get an in-home consult from a therapist to help us figure out how Joanne will get around during the 5-6 weeks she will be in her cast. But my guess is that we will be figuring it out on our own and as we go. The thing I remind myself every day is that the surgery is going ot give her a great shot at walking normally and is necessary if she is ever going to walk without a cane. I tell you what, the day we put that cane away will be a sweet one!

The great thing about having met our deductible for this year is that we have no expenses or co-pays right now when we use medical services or see doctors. That being the case we are off to see Dr. Vandeloo on Monday to check out a few things. One is that Joanne's depression meds don't seem to be working very well and the other is to consult with her about the small hole in Joanne's heart and what next steps we can take to figure out if that was the cause of the stroke. Everyone we have consulted has said that that would be a very unlikely cause but it's all we have at this point. Dr. Vandeloo is pretty awesome and she seems to be the gateway for most of the other Kaiser docs.

The bad thing about our deductible is that we will have to start all over on January 1. Darn.

We had a great meal last night. A friend of Kristen's brought this amazing soup of which I have no idea what it was. It was sort of like potato soup but it was so much better then that. Could have been a squash soup. Who knows. Totally a weird experience not knowing what we were eating but loving it all the same. She also brought amazing grilled cheese with apple and prosciutto. And she brought cookies...and muffins for breakfast! What a treat! So many people have brought us meals and we deeply appreciate every one of them.

Last Christmas Gran and Papa gave us half a cord of firewood. We have it all stacked neatly in the garage and now that the weather is turning we are making fires all the time. It warms much of the house, smells so good, is mesmerizing to watch and sounds like, well, like fire. I have a feeling we'll make it through our half cord this winter no problem. We are spending a lot of time in the living room because Joanne's favorite chair is in here and it is right next to the fireplace. Not too bad a place to hang out.

At some point I need to write a blog post about Joanne and technology. She is totally attached to her iPhone (she got an iPhone 4 while still in the hospital) and she has used it to communicate with friends and stay in touch with the world. She also loves her Kindle. It is much more manageable one-handed than a regular book. Thanks to Sarah for hooking her up. One of these days she is going to tackle the one-handed typing tutorial that she got. Then she'll be able to blog again on her own, which I am really excited about.

Acupuncture...where to start. There is definitely a lot of "puncture" in acupuncture. Joanne pretty much hates it but we are seeing some results. It is reminding her brain that her left arm and leg still exist and it is supposed to stimulate the neural pathways back and forth between the brain and the left side of her body. She has a few sessions left and then will be off for six weeks while she recovers from surgery. I don't think she'll mind the break.

I guess that's about it. Oh: Joanne is sleeping a little better and waking up less. She is on a couple of medications that are really working for her pain. I can't imagine being in the pain that she is in every day. It is a constant thing. Or at least it has been until we got these meds going.

BTW, Joanne will be watching a LOT of movies while recovering, so if you have suggestions, please send them her way.

Prayer requests:

Please pray that the surgery goes well and that we can figure out how to manage around the house.

Toben

 

Surgery Date (Joanne via Toben)

Toben got a call the other day from Dr. Kim's office saying that we needed to move the achilles surgery date from December 5 to November 15. Basically I am a "high risk" patient and cannot undergo surgery in a "surgical clinic" but I have to go to a "surgical hospital." So that meant a date change.

Happy news: Christy is coming to visit again tomorrow and this time she is bringing her daughter Savanna. The high tomorrow is supposed to be 32 degrees and we may get up to 6 inches of snow. I texted both of them to tell them not to wear shorts and flip flops ont he airplane. It's yucky to come out of the Denver airport into snow when you are wearing summer clothes.  We don't have any big plans for their time here I'm hoping for some good fires int he fireplace and hours in my big chair in the living room just hanging out and talking.

I went back to OT today for the first time in months. It was mostly to touch base and to identify further areas that we need to work on. I'll be going back three times in the next few weeks before surgery.

Joanne (via Toben)

Today's Update (Toben typing for Joanne)

We learned a few interesting things today coming and going from our appointments. First and most importantly that the beds at Dr. Fan's have heaters built into them! There is no need for me to be cold anymore during my appointments. In the past acupuncture has made me cold, tired and extremely hungry. Today it just made me tired and hungry.

The cardiologist said my stroke is called a "paradoxical stroke" meaning that there is no reason for it to have happened. And it would be almost i possible to pinpoint the actual cause. However, his best guess is that I may have a small hole in my heart through which the clot may have passed. There are tests to discover if that's actually the case. We must decide if we want to pursue them. The good news is that he said there is less than a 5% chance of me having another stroke. That makes me feel better.

For tonight we are off to have Mexican food with the Franklins. Bring on the chips and salsa!

Joanne (via Toben)

Doctors' Appointments (Toben)

I wish I had kept a running list of all Joanne's doctors appointments up to this point. Since leaving Spalding on May 13th I would guess that Joanne has had about 50 appointments. Between PT, OT, speech, physiatry, GP, orthopedics, orthotics, ENT, accupuncture and massage therapy Joanne has been through a seemingly constant series of appointments. Fortunately there is a team behind Joanne and between her mom, dad and I we have managed to get here there and back to all these appointments. I tell you what, I am thankful for Joanne's iPad which gets a lot of use in waiting rooms around the city of Denver.

Today we have two appointments: accupupuncture and cardiology.

Joanne hates acupuncture, and I can see why. I always though acupuncture involved tapping a needle just through the skin to make contact with the nerves that run through our bodies. Not so. The needles go deep! Some of them are up to four inches long and go a 2-3 inches deep into Joanne's muscle tissue. They are very, very fine needles, but still...

And then after the needles (up to 40) are all in place, Dr, Fan (the acupuncturist) hooks some of them up to a little box that pulses electricity through the needles. I honestly thought that acupuncture would be a kind of peaceful, Zen like experience. But it isn't.

The first time I took Joanne to Dr. Fan I made the mistake  laughing because she looked sort of like a porcupine. Joanne was not amused so to make up for it I asked Dr. Fan to hit me with one of those needles...which he did...right between my eyes. And he really dug it in there too!  It didn't feel Zen-like. It felt a lot like having a needle jabbed into your face. So at least I have a tiny little sense of what Joanne is going through. Not pleasant.

But it is having some positive effects. It seems like with every visit Joanne recovers a little movement. She can move her arm a little and I have noticed a lot less constricture in her shoulder. She has also been able to move her fingers some. That is very cool! The needles are working to connect her brain to her should, arm and hand to remind her brain and appendage that they are supposed to have a relationship with each other. She has also been able to wiggle her toes. And when she does these things we cheer! If you had told me a year ago that I would be applauding someones toe wiggle I wouldn't have believed it, but a toe wiggle gets quite a response these days.

The cardiologist: this will be our first visit to one of these. To this point no one has been able to figure out why the stroke happened. So we have see a LOT of doctors to try to find out why and if there is any risk for something like this to happen again. I think we all live with a little niggling though in the back of our minds that not knowing means we are susceptible to another one of these. There is the logical part of the brain that says, "surely this couldn't happen twice!" but there is another part that says, "if we don't know what caused it we can't be sure if it'll happen again."

So off to the cardiologist we go. He is a good friend of a friend and is going to see if Joanne's heart has anything to do with what happened. Turns out that Joanne has a very small hole in her heart which is suprisingly not uncommon. And other doctors have ruled it out as the cause of the stroke--the hole is too small to make a clot of that size. But we want a second opinion on that. No one who has given us this opinion is an actual cardiologist. So we're going to check this box on the list of people who might give us some insight.

The last appointment of the week is the best: massage therapy. Now getting a weekly massage may sound delightful, but Brooke (the massage therapist) really works Joanne over. They identify the problem areas and then Brooke digs in. Don't get me wrong; Joanne loves Brooke and her massage sessions and they do "bliss her out" but they are incredibly therapeutic as well as pleasurable.

Other news and notes: Audrey is going to Spokane with my folks to see Bethany for Parents Weekend at Whitworth. Audrey is so excited she can hardly stand it.

Emma is going to the theater with Joanne's dad on Saturday. They are going to see the sequel to the play Annie. They get to dress up and everything. Emma is excited to go.

As for Joanne and I, I expect we'll take a walk/roll or two, drink some coffee, have some conversations, do some reading, play around on the computer/iPad/iPone, and generally pass the time in each others presence.

That's a whole other experience that deserves a post--the power of just being present.

Prayer requests:

1. Joanne is having surgery on December 5 to elongate her achilles tendon. Bummer! She will but in a cast that can't get wet of can't bear weight. Think about that for a minute. No walking and no showers without getting a trash bag and some duct tape involved. This will be a challenging time for Joanne and the rest of the family. She'll be in that cast for 6 weeks! Not sure how we are going to make it work but I know we will. This experience has proved that we can rise to the occasion as a family. But pray that the result is worth the pain and discomfort and that at the end of it, Joanne will be able to start to walk normally again.

2. Joanne is still in pain much of the time. We are looking for a non-narcotic solution. Please pray that the doctors will be able to figure something out to relieve her pain.

3. Please pray for a super-natural peace and energy to come over us. It is so easy to get  downright discouraged and depressed. We need a boost to get us through these days!

Toben

One Last Surgery (Joanne)

On Dec 5th, at 11:50 AM I will be having one final surgery.  This time on my ankle.  Despite doing all the exercises my physical therapist has recommended and wearing the JAZ torture device for 1-½ hours every day I have made zero progress in getting my left heel to touch the ground.  So the orthopedic surgeon has said surgery is my option.  He will surgically lengthen my Achilles tendon.  After surgery, I will be in a cast for a minimum of 6 weeks, unable to walk on it at all. 

The surgery is a guaranteed fix to the problem.  Yet it feels like going backwards to me.  I will be less mobile than I have been in months, and I am expecting that it will hurt.  My hope is that when the cast does come off my left heel will touch the ground and I will be able to make some leaps in progress, learning to walk normally and without a cane.  That’s all I know for now.  I have been told not to look up details about the surgery on the Internet, so my assumption is that it’s gross.  (If you look it up, do not tell me what you find!)  I don’t want to know.  I keep telling myself that it’s not brain surgery so I can handle it with no problem ☺.  But I am nervous.  ☹

In other news, I am still going to acupuncture twice a week.  I do not love it, and am scared each time I go.  But we are seeing some results.  I can squeeze my left hand and move my left arm a very short distance!  Each week Dr. Fan tells me what a great doctor he is, and that he amazes even himself!  Good for him, but I do take some of the credit.  Of course, all the credit goes to God – and to you also for your continued prayers.  THANK YOU.  When I cannot sleep at night, I squeeze my hand and move my arm while I watch my minutes tick by on the clock as I long for morning. 

I really miss my shoes.  The esthetics I have to wear each day are super ugly.  Surgery will bring me one step closer to wearing them again.  So I’m keeping that in mind as I think about surgery.  Shoes are my silver lining. 

This past Saturday, a couple of friends and I went to see Swan Lake at the ballet.  We have tickets for the season.  It was fun to get out and do something “normal”, even if I had to wear ugly shoes to do it.  At the end of November, we will be going to see the Nutcracker – and Peter Pan is coming in February. 

In general, our family is doing fairly well, though we are getting weary.  I plan to use my six weeks of immobility to become adept at one-handed typing.  I miss blogging and all of you!  Thank you for praying for my family. 

With love,
Joanne

P.S.  A BIG thank you to Dad for being my typist today.  He is retiring again on Friday and will be my daily companion and chauffeur for a while.  He comes almost every day to help me with my leg exercises and to read to me – which

It's Not that Hard (Toben)

I was talking on the phone with a friend this week and after catching him up on what's going on here at eh Heim house, he said, "That has to be so hard for you." We hung up and I had the rest of my drive to Denver to think about what he said. Is my life really that hard? As weird as it may sound, my life just doesn't feel that tough. Here's why:

When you get to live in service to the one you love the most, the benefits seem to outweigh the costs.

At least that's the word that I felt like God was giving me during my time alone. I know it sounds a little Polly Anna but I guess for me it's true. I look at my life in comparison to what Joanne has to deal with and I just can't complain. I get to be with the one I love the most, which is all I asked God for while Joanne was in her coma, so what do I have to complain about? 

Are things frustrating from time to time? Yes. Does it mean I can't always do what I want to do when I want to do it? Yes. Does it mean getting up in the middle of the night so Joanne can use the restroom? Yes. Does it mean that I am constantly in empathetic pain for what she is going through. Yes.

But she is alive! I remember walking the halls of the ICU when Joanne was in her coma and I had really boiled it down to a simple prayer, "God, please let Joanne live. However she comes back to us, I am willing to deal with that, just don't take her away." And God answered that prayer.

Have I told you before about  about my secret prayer while Joanne was in ICU? Along with that last prayer I always added, "And if you could allow her to retain the ability to read I would be deeply thankful." You see, Joanne has always  been a voracious reader of just about anything she could get her hands on: fiction, non-fiction, the Bible, textbooks, cook books, craft books. You name it. Well as I write this Joanne is sitting next to me devouring a book on her Kindle (thanks Sarah). So both of my prayers got answered! How great is that!

I have to give a shout out to the Kindle. It is perfect for someone who is one handed.  It's easy to use and she has the ability to pump up the font so that it's easy to read. Plus she has an almost infinite library of books to choose from. It has been an amazing gift.

Back to my point: is life hard? Compared to how it was 9 months ago, I suppose it is. Is it as hard as Joanne's life? Not even close. She deals with things that are a magnitude of 10 beyond what I have to deal with. 

But Like I said, getting to live in service to the one you love the most ain't too bad a gig. 

Prayer requests:

1. Joanne has been going to the acupuncturist for the last few weeks. It is painful for her. The make it sound like a few little needles will be poked into your skin, but she is having needle pushed 2-3 inches into her body in spots and up to 50 of them. It is uncomfortable at best and often times painful, but we are seeing the beginning signs of results--some movement in her left arm and foot. Praise God for that!@ And pray for endurance for Joanne as she continues treatment.

2. Praise for God's provision! We have had meals delivered to us twice a week for that last couple of months and people have volunteered to continue to feed us through the end of October! What a treat and a blessing! We are thankful to God for providing!

3. Joanne's spirits could use a boost (no duh). She has a hard life, is almost constantly in some form of pain and is subject to almost weekly trips to the doctor, the orthotics guy, the acupuncturist, to speech therapy, and massage therapy (that last one isn't so tough). She needs a lot of encouragement. If you could pray for the condition of her heart and that God would fill her with hope, that would be awesome.

Toben

Acupuncture Update (Joanne)

So I was brave and I survived yesterday. It was fine--not super fun, but doable, especially with Mom's hand to hold and squeeze tight. Mom lost count of the number of needles somewhere intheh 20s. At one point I could see 17 or 18. Note to self: keep eyes closed tight!! 

And when I go back tomorrow for another treatment I'll be taking my iPod along for some distraction--thinking about what's going on is worse than what is actually going on for sure!

At the end of the treatment they hooked up electrical leads to some of the needles and turned on the electricity. Electric acupuncture! It was weird but I survived, despite feeling trapped and claustrophobic. This morning I don't feel all that different but I still have high hopes for big results.

Joanne

Starting Something New This Week (Joanne)

We have heard some amazing stroke recovery stories during the past few months. One thing that many of them have in common is Eastern medicine and acupuncture. So on Tuesday morning I'm off to try it. I'm a little freaked out at the thought of it, but everyone assures me it will not hurt. So I'm just going to be brave. And who knows?maybe it will help me like it has helped others. Here's hoping and praying that it will!

The doctors are also talking therapy for my left ankle to lengthen my Achilles so I can get my left foot flat on the floor which is necessary for walking properly. I'm not super excited about the the thought of that either but if it gets me back in my shoes and heels and even running again well then bring it on! We are waiting to see the orthopedist to find out more.

Finally, thanks ya'll so much for all your kind comments on my post last week about how I am really feeling--you encourage my heart greatly. I love you all very much!

Joanne.

The Whole Truth (Joanne)

"How are you?" is a question that I am asked often. My response is usually along the lines of "OK...hanging in there." And it's true. I am OK and hanging in there. But it's not quite the whole truth. There is often not time or space to answer fully--and maybe the person asking doesn't want the real answer. But here it is:

I am sad.

I am hurt.

I am lonely.

I am scared.

I feel cheated and betrayed and lost and alone.

Most days I don't really wan tot get up and face the day. Most days I creep to the edge of the pit of self-pity and look down into the depths. But most days I back away from the edge. 

But some days I jump on in and wallow in the muck feeling sorry for myself, angry and bitter. Those are not good days--days that I may be hanging on--but just barely and only by my fingernails. Those are days when I review all I have lost and worry that I may never get any better than I am right now. Those are days I ask, "Why Lord?" over and over. Days I play with despair and wish for a different life. Days I tell God how badly my feeling are hurt. Days I wonder how and Why he saved my life because this? is NOT the abundant life I feel like I was promised. This is just existing and I don't much like it. This feels like punishment. Like being abandoned. 

So that's a bigger truth--that's how I'm really doing. Some days I am ok and I am hanging in there but other day are pretty ugly and awful.

Everyday I try to remind myself of things I know are true:

Jesus does love me.

my life does have purpose even though it doesn't feel like it.

That there is good in this somewhere.

That this is just a season and it will end...someday...somehow.

Joanne 

Mornings on the the Deck (Toben)

We get to spend many Saturday mornings on the deck in our backyard drinking coffee, talking, reading, etc.. That's what we're doing right now. I even went and picked up a half dozen Crispy Cream sugar donuts to make everything perfect. I tell you what; we ate those donuts in about five minutes! We prefer the sugar to the glazed because they aren't quite as sweet. But I digress...

Joanne has been doing just fine since getting back from her adventure in the E.R..  I am now of the medical opinion that her passing out was a combination of Ambien, lack of good sleep and dehydration.  Talked to her G.P. a couple of times yesterday and after going over her scans and labs she doesn't feel the need to run any more tests. That's one less trip tot he doctor so we're good with that. Obviously no more Ambien for Joanne and she is going to try to get a couple of bottles of Gatorade in her today and see if that helps.

The girls are in the Springs with my folks (Nana and Papa). They love going down there and this is their last sleepover before Bethany heads off to college. I am so stoked that Beth is going to Whitworth--that's where Joanne and I went. She is keeping the Heim legacy at strong  in the Northwest. Love that! If she has anywhere near the experience that Joanne and I had she is in for a really amazing few years.

Jaime and I got to go shoot yesterday.  Gran came over to hang out with Joanne so we could go and it was FUN! Jaime is really progressing as a shooter and I am starting to become quite the pistolero myself. We did a little shooting at 50 feet which is a pretty good distance for a pistol shot from standing position. Put all 15 rounds on target from my trusty Beretta M9. Felt pretty good about that. Came home and visited my online ammo supplier and picked up some 9mm for Jaime and I and some .380 for myself.  It's amazing how much cheaper is online. Even cheaper than the Walmarts.

Now I will calculate how many people actually care about this last paragraph. o.

Joanne got her weekly massage yesterday. Brook, her masseuse, is so cool and Joanne looks forward to her hour with Brook every week. It really helps loosen Joanne up and gives her something to look forward to all week.

Something else to look forward to: Christy is coming for a visit! Joanne was talking about how much she missed her  friend and it dawns on me that I still had some miles left on United. So I called Christy and she was available next week. So I got online with UAL and crossed my fingers that I would be able to find a flight for 50,000 miles...or less. Wouldn't you know it; I found a tick on the exact right days for 20,000 miles!!! That's a total God thing. I have not found a ticket for so few miles in years! So Christy is here Wednesday and we can't wait. Nana helped us get the guest room ready last night and contributed a 120 year-old hand stitched quilt from my dearly departed Cordy. It looks great int here now--a little musty because we keep that door closed but we'll open the window, go after it with some Febreeze and turn on a fan and it should be smelling fresh as a daisy by the time Christy gets here.

We are headed to Cherry Creek State Park again tonight to have dinner with Gran and Papa. They haven't had much of a chance to take the camper anywhere too far from home this summer. They have been so faithful in helping out with Joanne. I have said it about 1000 times but I'll say it again. We couldn't do life without them. So a couple of times this summer they have taken the camper just down the road to Cherry Creek and we come over and hang out a little. Tonight is red beans and rice (one of my favorites!). 

Prayer Requests:

1. Praise that Joanne is OK!

2. Sleep, sleep, sleep for Joanne.

3. The girls have had a week and a half at school and so far everything is OK. As a parent to a 13 year old girl I hold my breath for the first couple of weeks. But so far so good! Another praise!

I love it when the praises outnumber the petitions! 

Toben

To the E.R. We Go (Toben)

Last night during dinner Joanne sort of passed out. She wasn't out cold but couldn't lift her head, open her eyes or talk. At first I thought I would just carry her out to the car and drive her to the hospital, but the more I tried to revive her the more I thought, "Better get 911 involved in this one." So made the call and minutes later there were 6 really big guys standing in our dining room. 

Joanne came to a little but was very confused about where she was and what day and time it was. I think she said she thought she was in her parent's camper! They loaded her up and we headed for Littleton Adventist, where Joanne spent a month of her life earlier this year. Sort of feels like a medical home away from home. It is strangely familiar.

I think there are things that we just get desensitized to. Hospitals are like that for me. After having Joanne in a hospital for five months, I feel a familiarity. The rooms are generally too small. The temperature is rarely right, and more often then not the chairs are uncomfortable and there aren't enough of them.

When Joanne got there the started blood work, and EKG and then wheeled her off to CAT scan. Thankfully everything came back normal. Obviously our greatest fear was another stroke or stroke-like event. But CAT ruled that out quickly. Thank God for medical technology that can tell in the space of 15 or 20 minutes what's going on in the brain. In fact, Joanne's CAT scan looks better than ever. Because she was in Adventist before they had copies of her old scans. The doctor on duty said that her scan last night was her best one by far and that her brain center-line shift looks to be back in place.

So, we stayed there for about three hours, and Joanne was able to wake up and answer some questions to the point the they were comfortable sending her home with us. Got her home, and she wanted a shower to "wash the hospital off her." After that we put her to bed but she decided she wanted a popsicle. She ate about half of it and was off to sleep. She slept through the night and was awake by 7. She is still rpetty confused about what happened. 

We ahve a call in to her primary care Doc. She had recently added Ambien to help Joanne sleep so we're not sure if that had anything to do with it. Could be some dehydration. Could be...who knows.

Anyhow, I will keep you posted over the next few days as we seek some answers to this medical mystery.

Prayer Requests:

1. Joanne is still very confused about what happened, which is a very bad feeling for her. Pray peace for her.

2. Pray that Joanne's Doc will have some good insight and advice about what to do or not do in the future.

3. Please pray for recovery for the family too. It throws us into a tail spin and brings back a lot of not-so-pleasant memories to be following an ambulance on the way to the emergency room! We all need to get our adrenalized heart rates back to normal.

Toben

Reading (Toben)

When Joanne had her stroke and she was in the ICU in a coma I remember praying two things. One was that Joanne would survive the stroke and wake up from her coma and the other prayer was that however she came out of it I wanted her to have the ability to read. I called that my top-secret prayer because I thought people would think it was foolish considering the shape she was in. But Joanne has always been a voracious reader and I knew that if she retained the ability to read, she could have at least some quality of life. 

Joanne will read anything. She loves spy novels and "cotton candy fiction." She loves the Bible and classic literature. She pretty much loves it all. 

Earlier this week she was in the middle of Plutarch's Lives which is supposed to be some big deal classic that everyone is supposed to read. But she said it was dry and a little boring, so I encouraged her to hit Amazon and get some fun stuff for her Kindle which Sarah so graciously brought her on one of her trips to visit. So she downloaded The Hunger Games thanks to a recommendation from the Franklin boys. Since she did that we have spoken to each other conversationally for about 10 minutes! She is fully engrossed. And that's a good thing.

I think for all of us if we just sit around and think about our lot in life we can get a little down, a little myopic, a little narcissistic. I don't think we were meant to have a ton of time to sit around and navel-gaze. Not that self reflection in a bad thing, but there is a time and a place for it and like anything, too much of it is probably not the best thing for us. I know this is true for our family. If we over-think it it's not the greatest, but if we stay in the moment we do OK. 

So I am thrilled for the answer to my long-ago prayer that Joanne is able to read and that it gives her something pleasurable to do and keeps her mind occupied, even if it means I lose my conversation partner for a couple of days.  Not sure what she'll read next but I am sure she would be open to suggestions.

We are still so pleased to have pumpkin back. She is much more mellow and less skittish then when she left us. She seems to be very happy to be near us, to be petted and held. She never used to be like that. Somehow her time in the wild has mellowed her out. 

Today we have nothing planned. We have tried to do that with our Sundays since Joanne got back. It is a much needed day for us to be together as a family with no agenda. Going places isn't easy. It takes some planning, some fore-thought and effort. I'll talk more about that in a future post. But being at home is easy and relaxing for the whole family. This is especially critical now that the girls are in school. They need their Sunday to do whatever it is they want to do before jumping back in to their busy week. And my favorite thing has always been to have the whole family under one roof. Makes me feel like all is right with the world.

Prayer Requests:

1. The girls had a great half-week of school last week and we would love to see that continue. We want them to like school as much as that is possible for a 10 and 13 year old.

2. Joanne is still desperate for sleep. May have to give a call to her doctor this week and see if there is something we can do about that. 

3. Praise that despite all she's been through, Joanne can still lose herself in a good book!

Toben

 

Pumpkin Returns! (Toben)

This is so cool! A friend of a friend read the blog earlier in the week and saw the prayer request for us to find/catch our cat and get her back in the house--she had been away for almost two months. So this person calls my friend Steve and offers a live trap that would be the right size for cat-catching. So Steve brings the trap.  First night we set it up we caught a raccoon. Hmmmm.

But last night the girls found pumpkin in a hole under our neighbors house--they saw her run in there from the yard. So anyhow, they put the trap right in front of the hole and then blasted the hole/cat with the hose! Pumpkin shoots out of the hole, into the trap and voila, we have pumpkin back!!! 

PRAYER ANSWERED! 

Pumpkin weighs almost nothing. And she is sort of smelly. But other then that she is OK. We kept her sequestered for a little bit for her to figure out that she could be a house cat again after being wild for  so long, but the girls were able to hold her and pet her so we figured she hadn't gone fully feral. So she now has the run of the house. It's good to have her back and Emma (her rightful owner) is THRILLED! 

I'm not sure of the name of our friend of s friend who supplied the trap but we are so thankful and grateful. I have been adding prayer requests to the end of these blogs for 7 months and to be honest, most of the time we don't get results. Now that starts a whole theological debate about prayer and how God works. I don't want to get into that in this post. I just want to say that it is very cool that a prayer request on Monday ends up being answered on Friday. Wish they all happened that way!

We are in for a relaxing weekend. Very little on the calendar. The girls started school on Wednesday so I think they are looking forward to just chilling out today as they prepare for their first full week of school starting Monday. We have church tonight. And I think we are going to do family movie afternoon tomorrow--we may watch a movie called The Sandlot that has come highly recommended. Other then that, not much happening.  Joanne loves these laid-back weekends.

Brief Joanne update: She is taking a couple of weeks off from Spalding rehab. She has been in the hospital or some sort of professional therapy for 7 months now and is ready for a little break. Unfortunately during this break she has a few doctors appointments. She had to give blood yesterday to check (again) for clotting issues. And she is going to see and ENT to see if the intubation and trach (three months worth) left her vocal cords scarred.

And she is going to see and endocrinologist to see about a nodule that they found on her thyroid when she was still at Littleton Adventist. None of us even remembered that they had found one but her primary care doc found a notation in her chart so we are having it checked out. 

I have to say that I am so pleased with Kaiser and Joanne's primary care doctor. She is obviously paying attention to Joanne and her chart and is on top of getting Joanne the care/tests that she needs. Thanks Dr. Vandeloo!

Prayer Requests:

1. Praise, praise, praise for the return of our long lost cat Pumpkin!

2. Joanne is not sleeping well and would love to string a couple of good nights of rest together.

3. Please pray that Joanne's two week break from Spalding will be restorative for her. 

4. Pray for a smooth move into the new school year for the girls. So far everything points to a great start but would love to see that continue. The girls have been through so much this last 7 months and a good school year for them this year would be huge in restoring normalcy.

Toben

Back to School (Toben)

Today is the first day of school for the girls. Audrey is in 8th grade and Emma in 5th. I am doing ok with Emma being a 5th grader but Audrey in 8th grade? That's a little harder to swallow. THat means she'll be in high school next year. I am definitely not read for that. She turned 13 a couple of weeks ago and got a lot of privileges to go along with her official move into the teen years. She got a cell phone, some makeup, permission to shave her legs and a computer for school (although so far it has been used for everything but school. It just feels like she has grown up over the summer. Doesn't hurt that she is about 5'4" and wears a women's size 10 shoe! 

Audrey has also really developed her style over the summer. Up to a certain age it seems like kids will wear whatever you put on them, but Audrey has some very strict ideas about what she will wear and what she won't. She is especially interested in wearing clothes she has "modified" which is a nice way of saying "cut up with scissors." Of course she isn't allowed to wear her creations to school thanks to the dress code, but she has plenty of other funky/punky stuff to wear. It compliments the sort-of mohawk we allowed her to get a week ago. Regardless, the girl has developed a definite taste and style.

Emma is still her happy-go-lucky self. She has taken a special interest in the garden and all the cool plants we have int he back yard.  number of ladies came to the house at the beginning of the summer and put the garden in but Joanne hasn't been in much shape to attend to it, so it has become Emma's garden. She waters every day and fusses over the plants, harvesting some peppers here and some tomatoes there. We have had enough lettuce for exactly 1.5 salads. Still, it is fun to see her take and interest and work so diligently on the garden. Also cool that she has a class of 13 kids this year! She is going to absolutely thrive in a smaller class environment.

Joanne is still making a little progress here and there. She does a lot of therapy every day; primarily PT and then sees her speech therapist a couple of times a week. Joanne's dad has proven to be a very gifted physical therapist so he works with her most days. On the days that I am home I do her exercises with her, but I am much less skilled then Joannes dad has become. Joanne still deals with a lot of emotions involving her current state. She is so frustrated that she can't do the "normal stuff." But I believe with time she'll improve and be able to tackle things like school chapel and going to the Walmart. Right now things like that just massively over-stimulate her and she struggles to keep it together.

He is walking with the use of a cane but cant go far before she is exhausted so we usually roll around in the wheelchair when we are out. 

Prayer requests:

 

1. Our cat pumpkin escaped a couple of months ago and is living under our deck. She has been impossible to catch and get back into the house. We miss her and would love to have her back inside, especially before it starts to get cold.

2. Joanne's spirits are pretty low and she needs encouragement. Please pray that things would come along to brighten her days.

3. Please pray for a good start to the school year for the girls.

Toben

Update from Training Camp

From Joanne's Dad:

Seven days into rookie fall training camp and all is well – some soreness, but nothing broken.  On Friday, July 29^th, Joanne’s PT (Sylvia) threw us a long pass by suggesting we take off a couple of weeks to work on new exercises she demonstrated to her Head Coach (Toben); Offensive Coach (Kay, mom;, and her Personal Trainer (Papa Chuck).  So, I (Chuck) have joined Joanne early each morning at her gym (garage) for a 1-2 hour workout that consists of about 17 different exercises.  Most require that I both position Joanne as well as talk her step-by-step through the repetitions (GO Joanne!), but some allow me to continue reading her Spurgeon’s morning devotion, and George MacDonald’s Annals of a Quiet Neighborhood.   How blessed we were to read yesterday (through the character of the Vicar Walton), “Nothing I repeat, so much as humble ministration to your neighbors, will help you to that perfect love of God which casteth out fear; nothing but the love of God – that God revealed in Christ – will make you able to love your neighbor aright; and the Spirit of God, which alone gives might for any good, will by these loves, which are life, strengthen you at last to believe in the light even in the midst of darkness; to hold the resolution formed in health when sickness has altered the appearance of everything around you…”  (Of course, when my neighbor is my oldest daughter, my humble ministrations are not only a joy, but a true privilege that I would have never been afforded but for her stroke.)

Being there every day makes it hard to see progress, but yesterday (Aug 5^th), when Toben took Joanne for therapy, Sylvia (PT) had some very encouraging words for Joanne about her decreased muscle tone and increased ability to control one muscle at a time in her left leg, rather than the post-stroke tendency to move hip, knee, and ankle all together.   Thanks Sylvia – that’s sufficient inspiration to get us through this next week.  Where would we be without your guidance?  And in that short hour, Sylvia had Joanne walking even better and made a very encouraging prediction about her ability several months from now.

Joanne is now also doing” three-a-day” 30 minute sessions in her “JAS” (Joint Active System) – which is a polite name for a medieval torture boot with a screw jack mechanism to stretch her Achilles tendon.  Just picture James Bond under the hands of Ernst Blofeld.

Please continue to pray that someday she and I will be doing these same kind of exercises with her left arm – which today is only range-of-motion passive stretching since it remains paralyzed.

God bless all you faithful praying friends!

Chuck

 

Taking Back

A post from Joanne (typed by Toben):

I've missed a lot during the last six months--things I did not choose to miss. So I am slowly taking some things back. Last weekend on Saturday I got my nose re-peirced. They had taken the ring out while I was in the hospital and I've missed it. We tried unsuccessfully to put a ring back in  but it had mostly closed up. The guy (Brian) tried to put a ring in the old hole but it just wouldn't go through so he just re-peirced it.  And I am so glad! I feel a little bit more like myself.

It's a small thing but it is a big deal to me.

Another thing I missed was Emma's 10th birthday. Monday was her half-birthday so we decided to celebrate it this weekend since the girls were in Vail with my sister on the actual day. On Friday night we all went to a pizza restaurant called Carmines in our neighborhood.  and then we went shopping to get Emma new bedding--we decided to do a complete room makeover! We repainted and redecorated from top to bottom with the help on Nana and Papa. We got it all done in an evening and a morning! Done by lunchtime! It looks amazing!

I am excited to do this and take something else back that I lost--celebrating Emma's life.

Other things on the list:

My birthday, Mom's birthday, Levi's birthday...not sure what else but that will keep us busy for a while for sure!

Audrey's birthday is coming upon August 9th, so we'll be in birthday mode for a while around here, especially since Toben's birthday is two weeks after Audrey's. This is turning into the summer of rehab and birthday celebrations. Oops. I sorta missed Easter too. Maybe I need to back a ham sometime soon.

 

 

 

Strength and Balance

A post from Joanne:

Every time I read Hinds Feet on High Places I wonder about my own companions on the journey. Now I know who they are. And I am glad to know their names.

I talk to them throughout the day, in the middle of the night, "Come on boys. It's time to go to work!"

Toben talks to them too. They have become very real to us, though they don't talk back yet, except to say, "Watch out! Don't trip on that cat!"

Joanne

It's a Saturday

We made it through another week. And it was a big week. Joanne started out-patient therapy at Spalding this week. And she did great. It's a lot of work and she has definitely been taking a little nap after she gets home each day, but it is so good for her to be doing this work. As hard as it is, I think she is getting a real sense of satisfaction out of the work she is doing. So we have about a month or so of this out ahead of us and we are hoping for some great results over that time. Joanne will be there three days a week and will have a lot of "homework" to do on the days she isn't at Spalding.  

The house is quiet this morning. Joanne is eating breakfast, Audrey is still in bed (and will be until we roust her out) and Emma spent the night with Gran and Papa. These moments are nice. Feels like all is right with the world. We are planning on doing very little today. Joanne and I are going to sit on the deck and have conversation and later we will go to church. 

Speaking of conversations, Joanne and I have had some great ones over the last weeks. I think before the stroke, even though we made some time for it, we rarely slowed down enough to have a good, long, heartfelt conversation. We did have our "morning meeting" for half an hour every morning, but now we sit and talk longer because to put it bluntly, there isn't too much else to do. Many of the activities of life have been stripped away and the list of things that we can do is pretty short. We try to add a thing here and there to the list of stuff we can do but at this point sitting and talking is at the top. 

I guess that leads to a discussion on pace of life. Joanne is busy at therapy again, and even when home health care was coming in she had a few things on the calendar, but weekends are much more open. Aside from church, and Sunday supper with the family at Gran and Papa's there isn't much if anything on the calendar. Forces us to rest a little and to focus on each other. I like the opportunity to do that.

The other big adventure this weekend is that Joanne is going to see Audrey's hair stylist Jlynn. Jlynn has a special place in our hearts because she has been very kind to Audrey. She lost her dad when she was young and that has given her a sense of compassion that pours out over Audrey and means the world to me. Plus she makes Audrey look super cool. Her latest haircut is the best yet. We'll have to get some pictures taken. I call it her "punk princess" look. Anyhow, Jlynn said she would love to gift Joanne  a cut so tomorrow we are giving it a shot. Can't wait to see what she does. I'll make sure we get some photos and maybe get them posted up over on Kristen's blog.

Next week at work is going to be pretty crazy so I am going to bask in the slowness of our pace this weekend. I am going to invest in Joanne and the girls. I am going to have conversations and think thoughts. And I may sneak in a nap.

Prayer requests:

1. Pray that Joanne ankle/leg responds to therapy. To be specific, we need to get Joanne's heel on the ground. Right now she is walking on the toes of her left leg and it forces her ankle to do all sorts of crazy stuff. So that's a big focus of the therapy.

2. We have a new AFO (ankle foot orthotic) coming this week. Please pray that if fits well, and is comfortable and gets the job done in helping Joanne straighten out that foot and ankle.

3. Clarity and unity for the family. We have some big decision to make about Joanne's care/therapy/treatment after she is done at Spalding. 

Toben

 

 

Papa's Post

"I love the Lord, because he hath heard my voice and my supplication."—Psalm 116:1.

 

Since today (Monday, July 11^th ) is Joanne’s 6-month “stroke-iversary”, as well as her first day back at Spalding Rehab Hospital  (this time in their Day Rehab program) http://www.spaldingrehab.com/rehab-programs/outpatient-programs/day-rehabilitation-program.htm, I (Papa) asked Joanne what she hoped to accomplish.  We made a list, and then ordered it to take along.  I thought her prayer warriors would like to see it.  But I was convicted it needed to be preceded by another list of all the healing grace that our God has already poured out, so we can all offer great praise before daring to ask for more…

 

In the Christian pilgrimage it is well for the most part to be looking forward. Whether it is for hope, for joy, for consolation, or for the inspiring of our love, the future after all must be the grand object of the eye of faith. Looking into the future we see sin cast out, the body of sin and death destroyed, the soul made perfect and fit to be a partaker of the inheritance of the saints in light.  Yet nevertheless the Christian may do well sometimes to look backward; he may look back to the hole of the pit and the miry clay from which he was dug - the retrospect will help him to be humble; it will urge him to be faithful.  The particular objects which you are now to look back upon are the manifold and manifest answers to prayer, which God has given you.  Take up that book which you ought often to read, the book of remembrance which God has written in your heart of his great goodness and continued mercies; and turn to that golden page wherein are recorded the instances of God's grace in having listened to your voice and having answered your supplications.

 

“Prayer Answered, Love Nourished”, http://www.spurgeon.org/sermons/0240.htm

Rev Charles Spurgeon 1859 (then age 25)

 

            Praise to our Lord for all He has done in the last 6 months

Stroke:  7:36 AM Jan 11^th

Clot cleared: about 11 AM, Jan 11^th

Losing vital functions; surgery to remove skull “flap”:  Jan 12^th

Pulling at her 15 IV lines:  Jan 13^th

Audrey’s 1^st visit:  Jan 13^th

Intracranial pressure peaked at 37: Jan 16th

Coughed:  Jan 20^th

EEG activity:  Jan 20^th

Regained consciousness:  Jan 23^rd

Opened eye:  Jan 22^nd

Reaction to being pinched (by neurologist!):  Jan 24^th

1^st breathing on her own:  Jan 24^th

Tracheostomy & PEG feeding tube inserted:  Jan 25^th

Breathing tube out:  Jan 26^th

Sat up on side of bed: Jan 26th

Transfer to Kindred long-term acute care hospital:  Jan 29^th

1st transfer from bed

Hoyer transfer to sit in a chair Feb 1^st

1^st ice chips & swallowing:  Feb 2^nd 

Smaller trach installed:  Feb 2^nd

Recognized object on her left side:  Feb 2nd

1st “ride” on the incline board to about 60 degrees elevation: Feb 4th

1^st brushed her teeth:  Feb 4^th

1^st look at herself (of course with helmet on) in a full length mirror:  Feb 6^th

1^st spoken word using one-way trach valve:  Feb 7^th

Held head up for a few minutes Feb 7^th

Turned head towards mom:  Feb 8^th

Waved to a friend:  Feb 8^th

1^st trip outside room- a chair ride down to gym for light therapy:  Feb 9^th 

Writing legible sentences:  Feb 10^th

1^st visit from Emma:  Feb 11^th

1^st Popsicle:  Feb 13^th

1^st Sprite & straw:  Feb 16^th

1^st wheel chair ride:  Feb 20^th

Trach capped & Joanne talking:  Feb 22^nd

1^st blog post:  Feb 20^th 

Trach removed:  Feb 24^th

Solid food diet:  March 1^st

1^st “real” shower:  March 5^th

Discharge from Kindred long-term acute care hospital & transfer to Spalding Rehab Hospital: March 15^th (plus 39^th birthday)

1^st steps holding to “ballerina bar”: March 21^st

1^st pushed left leg while lying in bed:  March 22^nd

1st steps with single-sided walker:  March 22^nd

Skull flap restored:  March 24^th

1st stair step with great assistance from PT: ?

PEG (feeding tube) removed:  March 30^th

Climbed entire flight of stairs with assistance:  March 30^th

Walked ½ way to dining room:  April 10^th

Walking enough to get last daily blood thinner shot in stomach

1^st haircut:  April 13^th

Certified to transfer into/out of car:  April 14^th

1^st trip “outside” to PF Changs for lunch & stop home for kitty snuggle:  April 16^th 

First worship back at Calvary Castle Rock: Palm Sunday?  April 17th

Home visit with PT & OT to evaluate house:  April 25^th

Rode the Spalding mechanical bull:   May 7^th

Last daily blood draw from Ivan the Terrible: ?

Discharge from Spalding Rehab Hospital to home:  May 13^th

1^st movement in left toes:  late June

Resumed morning Bible devotions:  late June

Enjoying reading on her new Kindle:  late June

Dramamine + Phenergan controlling car ride nausea:  about July 1st

Audibly reading somewhat slower:  July 8^th

 

Joanne’s goals upon her return to Spalding Day Rehab program

 

Balance Master evaluation by rehab to isolate cause of car nausea

Exercise plan for days not in rehab

Stretch Achilles tendon

 

Walk with new AFO (Ankle Foot Orthosis)

Walk with single point cane

Walk with no cane

 

Stand up unassisted with cane

Stand up unassisted

 

Type again, one-handed

Please, God, some use of my left arm

Grocery shopping

Cook dinner

 

Clean house

Do laundry

 

Stay home alone with girls

Stay home alone

 

Regain use of left arm

Shower unassisted

 

Run

Drive

Go back to seminary

 

Chuck

 

The New Normal?

I haven't blogged in forever! I think I burned out a little bit and needed to take a break, but on top of that, there is very little new stuff to talk about. When Joanne was in the ICU, LTAC, and rehab these was stuff to talk about every day. But now that she has been home for a month we have settled into a new normal, that to be honest isn't that exciting. And to be honest, that is a good thing. It feels good to be in a routine and to have a rough idea of what the day will hold.

Joanne is doing out-patient therapy so we have therapists into the house just about every day with the occasional day off (like today). But it's not the same as the rigors of rehab where she was doing 3-4 hours of therapy every day. Her schedule is much lighter now. But that will all change in a couple of weeks when she goes to the day program at Spalding rehab. I think she will be there every day from 9-3 and will be very, very busy. I think she is looking forward to going back, even if it is just for the grilled cheese sandwiches that Rosie made her for lunch every day.

Joanne's list of simple pleasures:

Doing Bible study every morning at the kitchen table. We get her set up with her cup of coffee and some breakfast and she spend a good amount of time in the Word.

Sitting out on the deck. Gran and Papa bought us the most amazing umbrella that covers the entire seating area, so we can sit out in the shade almost any time of day. Joanne loves being outside.

Showers. AS long as I have known Joanne she loves to take a good, long, hot shower. Papa did an amazing job making the shower handicap accessible with a shower bench and hand rails and Joanne spends a good long time in there every night.

Having friends visit. Joanne loves to have people over.

Going to bed. This represents the end of the day for Joanne. I get the bed turned down just the way she likes it with pillows in place to keep her feet elevated. She climbs into bed and we wrap our pinkies together and say, "We made it through another day!"

Joanne's list of challenges:

Joanne is walking with a four point can, but walks very, very slowly as a result of the paralysis on her left side. She can get around but has to do so accompanied by one of us. She isn't quite stable enough yet to truck around on her own.
Left side pain. Joanne still experiences pain on her left side--shoulder, elbow, hip, knee and ankle. We work to keep those muscles and ligaments  limber but it is a real challenges. She tightens up on that side due to the paralysis. We do a lot of therapy on these parts of her body but no break-through yet.

Discouragement: As you can imagine, Joanne (and the rest of us) are still dealing with feeling of loss and sadness. We were looking at the "grief chart" that outlines the five stages of grief and determined that she and I are in stage four, which is depression. Although for us depression just looks a lot like sadness. I am sad for Joanne, that she has lost so many of the activities that made up her self-identity. Running, writing, teaching, studying, cooking: these have all been taken away for the time being and that is a very sad thing and leaves her feeling like she doesn't know who she is anymore. We are in constant prayer that God will bring many of these activities back into her life as the months go by.

So that's about it. It is so good to be at home after 4 months in hospitals. Even the best ones can't measure up to being in ones own surroundings.

The girls! I almost forgot to mention the girls. Audrey and Emma are settled into their own routines. Yes, it is very different to have mom at home after 4 months of her being gone, but they seems to have figured it out. There are definitely parenting challenges that we are facing as they try to get a sense of what mom's place is now that she is home. Because of Joanne's inability to modulate tone or volume, it is hard for them to understand direction or correction from her. But As Joanne's voice improves and as we continue to coach them through it she should be able to get back to parenting as usual. I have to say that they are handling it very well, especially Audrey, who, as a 12 year old girl, has enough challenges to face in the best of circumstances!

Prayer requests:

1. Perseverance for Joanne. She still has a long road ahead of her in recovery and she needs the desire, drive, energy and commitment to get through it.

2. Joanne is getting a new orthotic for her left ankle and we would love to have that help her move more easily. Pray that it fits, that it is comfortable, and that it gives her the support that she needs.

3. Praise, praise, praise that we are back in our home! There is no hospital room that can come close to the comforts of home.

Toben